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Suicide looks better. Firstly, I'd be in Heaven (I'm a Christian, so I know where I'm by-grace going.), and I wouldn't have to wait for the Rapture. Secondly, Mom, Michelle, and others (including many who'd like to see me dead and/or never really cared, anyway) would be left to pick up the mess that I leave behind. Also, for what being more known in death than life is worth, I'd be more known in death than life-- I even prewrote my own obituary in case something does happen to me, though (G-d willing) I might have to go back and edit it. At least an obituary, a Facebook, a Twitter, and other updates, and other ways of communication are coverage.
Thirdly, I'm a survivor of a suicide attempt from when I was eight to ten years old. Long story short, after I foolishly erased my Pokemon game on the advice of a "friend", I threatened to stab myself-- with the knife in my hand. I chickened out and put the knife down and away from me.
Fourthly, I'm the survivor of a suicide threat-- I ended up at Sheppard Pratt for that threat, and quite a few of my dad's family don't believe what happened even though the Sheppard Pratt incident finally helped provoke the courts to believe what happened. Fifthly, as I've implied, I'm more disliked than liked for good and bad; and as I said, others would be left to pick up the mess that I leave behind. For some of them, picking up my mess would be pure punishment and judgement against them.
I could go on; but as an endnote, I also consider that children in the Third World segments of the human population have a fate better than mine (since they get, for example, plenty of reward in Heaven and not as much judgement because of what they've suffered and because of the "to whom much is given" standard-- including the age of accountability implication). Sexual abuse victims even also have a better fate than mine because some of them parallel (and sometimes even are) the children in the Third World-- they get sympathy and people who'll help them at some point and juncture, some reward in Heaven just for their suffering alone, etc..
With me; my situation's like, who the hell (including my own church) cares (or really or ultimately cares) about a 'mamzerah' Messianic Jew with Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety/Depression, and mild-enough Cerebral Palsy that she can (seemingly) get by?
Thirdly, I'm a survivor of a suicide attempt from when I was eight to ten years old. Long story short, after I foolishly erased my Pokemon game on the advice of a "friend", I threatened to stab myself-- with the knife in my hand. I chickened out and put the knife down and away from me.
Fourthly, I'm the survivor of a suicide threat-- I ended up at Sheppard Pratt for that threat, and quite a few of my dad's family don't believe what happened even though the Sheppard Pratt incident finally helped provoke the courts to believe what happened. Fifthly, as I've implied, I'm more disliked than liked for good and bad; and as I said, others would be left to pick up the mess that I leave behind. For some of them, picking up my mess would be pure punishment and judgement against them.
I could go on; but as an endnote, I also consider that children in the Third World segments of the human population have a fate better than mine (since they get, for example, plenty of reward in Heaven and not as much judgement because of what they've suffered and because of the "to whom much is given" standard-- including the age of accountability implication). Sexual abuse victims even also have a better fate than mine because some of them parallel (and sometimes even are) the children in the Third World-- they get sympathy and people who'll help them at some point and juncture, some reward in Heaven just for their suffering alone, etc..
With me; my situation's like, who the hell (including my own church) cares (or really or ultimately cares) about a 'mamzerah' Messianic Jew with Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety/Depression, and mild-enough Cerebral Palsy that she can (seemingly) get by?
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