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Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Rejection Hurts. Even For-the-Best-Rejection Hurts.


Examples of hurtful, good and bad, rejections:

  1. Societal rejection, which effects mass-scale evils such as the Holocaust and the continuing rise of Donald Trump. For Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, and other peoples; women, people with disabilities, and immigrants to be told, "You don't count;" "you're not a part of America", etc. hurts—didn't Jews already suffer rejection during the Holocaust, including in the U.S. (when, e.g., Bernard Baruch was blamed for the "Jew Deal" and the "S.S. St. Louis" was turned away)? Didn't Blacks already suffer with Jim Crow and the Nadir? Didn't Hispanics already suffer with being stereotyped during "Operation Wetback"? Never mind that women suffered until even decades after Susan B. Anthony came along, and never mind that people with disabilities are still mistreated (by those such as Dana Stubblefield and TMZ, whom went after the rape victim and her "bizarre profile"—shame on TMZ for going after a person with intellectual disabilities, let alone a person with intellectual disabilities whom was trying to find a job and got raped at work!). 
  2. Familial rejection—all one, e.g., has to do is read the headlines about how a mother murdered her four-year-old child whom had Cystic Fibrosis and how female middle- and high-school students throw away their newly-born children as if the children are disposable tampons or medical waste such as pushed-out kidney stones.
  3. Romantic rejection—especially for people whom've been abused and/or whom are disabled, both having to reject romantic prospects and being rejected as a romantic prospect hurts. I've been on both sides of the rejector-rejectee coin—I had to call the police on each ex after I broke up with him, and I'm a stigma in myself because of my disabilities and having been abused (verbally, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically) in the past. Also refer to the point about societal rejection—I'm not the only person with disabilities (including mental illnesses) who's been seen as a romantic liability and/or undesirable.
  4. Professional rejection—e.g., getting a book manuscript rejected (which just happened to me, and I'm trying to find out how I can improve and resubmit the manuscript), résumé rejections, and rejections that stem from societal rejections (e.g., Refer to the point about Dana Stubblefield's victim, whom was raped on the job that she finally found; and read some of Jeff Woodward's writings and writings that Jeff Woodward has shared—which prove my point that ableism is rampant in the workplace because it is rampant in society, despite that my family refuses to believe me).
  5. Rejection by friends—or at least whom you thought were friends—and mentors—or at least whom you thought were mentors. Rejection, of course, includes betrayal—and one example of betrayal is Dr. Ben Carson's betrayal of African Americans by his endorsement of Donald Trump and slamming of Harriet Tubman's being placed on the $20 bill.
Most of the rejection types and examples thereof are bad rejections, although even the bad rejections—as hurtful as they are—have at least some good in them. e.g.:

  1. Non Trumpites have found out just really how America's colors run or don't run—even if there's a silent majority whom won't speak against Donald Trump (and Donald Trump's friend Hillary Clinton).
  2. People whose families rejected them sometimes don't even have to live in an increasingly-cruel and -miserable world, let alone among cruel and miserable families.
  3. One finds out and/or is reminded of what true love is and what true love isn't.
  4. One is forced to either carry on and/or even improve if doing so is possible.
  5. If someone seems too good to be truly good, they may just be—e.g., Dr. Ben Carson has shown how much intelligence does not equal wisdom, and how the supposedly-outsider conservative and retired neurosurgeon-turned-aspiring-POTUS is really a Dixiecrat to the core—one can't be a true Republican and good role model for African-American young men and women if he supports Tammany-Hall Trump and Andrew Jackson over Harriet Tubman.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

In Spite Of That Certain People Have Hurt Me, And Because Other Certain People Have Hurt Me...

I think about quite a few of them from time to time, sometimes even often or every day. To some of them, I'd say, "I hate you" or "I hate you, too"—that's how much they hurt me. Not that I was always right—still, a spirit of unforgiveness and hypocrisy hurts; and some would say that I'm being a hypocrite, although my "I hate you"s are quite honestly a way to numb the pain from how they hurt me.

By the way, I told a former Chapelgate member that I'd not name other incidents because I'd made my point. However, I will name one other incident since Anti Semite Donald Trump seems to be on track to winning the U.S. Presidency; and the incident is even more unfunny now:

When I was a student at Chapelgate, I took Mrs. Bonnell's drama class. One of my fellow students (whom I will not name)—whom, by the way, is Jewish him- or her-self—thought funny to give a Nazi salute as apparent satire at the end of his skit during one of the class meetings. When I confronted Mrs. Bonnell about finding it funny, she told me, "I don't see Jesus in you"—and she left me in tears for it.

At the time, I was suspecting that I am Jewish; and before that—during the fallout of 9/11 and when I was learning about the Holocaust—my OCD/Anxiety set off, and partly because (though I didn't know it at the time) God was telling me that I am a Jew whom lost relatives in the Holocaust (Sometimes, one doesn't know what the Holy Spirit was doing until he or she looks back.). Later, she accused me of calling another student a Marxist—which I never did—in her "apology" non apology—someone else had jokingly called her that, and she thought that I did. By the way, why would I call someone whom I didn't even know well a political disciple of a self-hating-Jewish man whom stated, for example, the following?

We recognize in Judaism, therefore, a general anti-social element of the present time, an element which through historical development – to which in this harmful respect the Jews have zealously contributed – has been brought to its present high level, at which it must necessarily begin to disintegrate.
In the final analysis, the emancipation of the Jews is the emancipation of mankind from Judaism.
The Jew has already emancipated himself in a Jewish way.
“The Jew, who in Vienna, for example, is only tolerated, determines the fate of the whole Empire by his financial power. The Jew, who may have no rights in the smallest German state, decides the fate of Europe. While corporations and guilds refuse to admit Jews, or have not yet adopted a favorable attitude towards them, the audacity of industry mocks at the obstinacy of the material institutions.” (Bruno Bauer, The Jewish Question, p. 114)

As for an example of when I think about certain people in spite of that they've hurt me, I continue to think about (at least whom I thought was) a dear friend, father figure, and writing mentor (whose self estrangement from me still baffles me in many ways—as I've written, that estrangement threw me into a Depression flareup that is still ongoing in quite a few ways, especially as I await an update about the publication status of my second book.). 

As I've stated before, I also think about those whom've hurt me with a spirit of unforgiveness and hypocrisy—and when I didn't even do wrong to them, despite that I might've or did hurt their loved ones—and when I've made amends to those whom I've hurt.

Some—maybe even you—will have read all of this and nonetheless wonder why I think about the people whom've hurt me, and why I sometimes numb the pain with an "I hate you" or "I hate you, too" in my thoughts toward some of them—and especially when I've never forgotten what they said and/or did, let alone how they made and make me feel to this day.


Friday, January 1, 2016

Part Of What's Exacerbated My Depression Of Late, And A Prayer Request

A few months ago, a family friend to whom I had not talked in a while reached out to me. Once he began to talking to me again, and after four to five years had passed, I began viewing him as a father figure, a writing mentor, and a friend whom is more dear to me than he'll ever know—"There are friends that one hath to his own hurt; but there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

Needlessly to say, he became "a friend that sticketh closer than a brother". Then one day, he suddenly stopped talking to me. The only explanation was this, and it came quite a bit of time later—and remember that he is, or at least was, a writing mentor: "Going through a difficult time. Keep writing."

After that, a major news story broke; and I asked him if one of the parties whom was involved in the news-making situation was associated with him—and I received no response to that inquiry. In the next day and the following days, I was left to guess whether the news story had to do with him in even any remote way (e.g., if one of his family or friends of friend was involved), other news stories involved him, or anything else had happened. After all, what did (and does) "a difficult time" mean?

This family friend, father figure, writing mentor, and closer-than-a-brother friend of my own had reached out to me in the first place, and he ditched me without explanation. Given, among other factors, my C.P. and mental illnesses, his ditching of me was absolutely the last thing that I needed—or at least wanted, since only God ultimately knows why I needed it. I've also needed other ditchings as well, by the way, and only God has also known why I needed those—and one more-recent one came from an in-law cousin, might I add.

"The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a broken spirit who can bear?" That kind of broken spirit is what I've endured once again in the past few months—and as if OCD/Anxiety. Depression, ADD, and IBS weren't enough in of themselves; and only God ultimately knows why He's exacerbated them.


"I am the LORD, and there is none else, beside Me there is no God; I have girded thee, though thou hast not known Me; That they may know from the rising of the sun, and from the west, that there is none beside Me; I am the LORD; and there is none else; I form the light, and create darkness; I make peace, and create evil; I am the LORD, that doeth all these things.


"Drop down, ye heavens, from above, and let the skies pour down righteousness; let the earth open, that they may bring forth salvation, and let her cause righteousness to spring up together; I the LORD have created it. Woe unto him that striveth with his Maker, as a potsherd with the potsherds of the earth! Shall the clay say to him that fashioned it: 'What makest thou?' Or: 'Thy work, it hath no hands'? Woe unto him that saith unto his father: 'Wherefore begettest thou?' Or to a woman: 'Wherefore travailest thou?' Thus saith the LORD, the Holy One of Israel, and his Maker: Ask Me of the things that are to come; concerning My sons, and concerning the work of My hands, command ye Me. I, even I, have made the earth, and created man upon it; I, even My hands, have stretched out the heavens, and all their host have I commanded."

I know, too, that God's ways are not our ways, as Isaiah also speaks by the Holy Spirit. So, for example and as bad as this sounds, I don't know whether God reminds me of my friend on a daily basis to remind me to pray for him or to allow HaSatan to make fun of me (as He allowed HaSatan to torment and persecute Job, whom was already suffering with the question of whether his children loved God: "'It may be that my sons have sinned, and blasphemed God in their hearts.'")

It could also be—and this is where the "as bad as this sounds" comes into play—that God's making fun of me or punishing me for some reason that only He ultimately knows: "Search me, O God, and know my heart, try me, and know my thoughts; And see if there be any way in me that is grievous, and lead me in the way everlasting." Having my guesses about hurtful situations, what I've done or not done, etc. hurts; and even if I know and the person whom I've wronged or whom's wronging me won't tell me, that really hurts.

Incidentally (as the year went from 2015 to 2016), I saw another reminder of him, since I discussed genealogy with him and wondered if a name in his own family wasn't an allusion to this verse: "The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is set up on high."

Please pray for me, pray for my friend, and pray for others whom need prayers on their behalf, meanwhile—may we all call on HaShem Yehovah, HaMigdal HaChazaq; and may Yehovah bring reconciliation or whatever is needed to be brought between me and my friend (אם ירצה, יהוה.), and may our friendship be almost as strong as Yehovah Himself.