The "Nicole Factor" Is Online

Welcome to the Nicole Factor at

Google+ Badge

Stage 32

My LinkedIn Profile

About Me

My Photo
My blog is "The Nicole Factor" on Blogspot, my Facebook page "Nicole Czarnecki aka Nickidewbear", and YouTube and Twitter accounts "Nickidewbear."

Nickidewbear on YouTube





Messianic Bible (As If the Bible Isn't)


Facebook and Google Page

Reach Me On Facebook!

Search This Blog

Talk To Me on Fold3!

Showing posts with label loved_ones. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loved_ones. Show all posts

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Offbeat: To "Momma", A Reminder Of the Reilly & Air Force (And Other Military) Personnel For Whom She's Grateful

Upon reading about Bodza Smith (ז'ל) and Sgt. Kyle Smith (USAF), "Momma" once again thought about the Reilly for whom she's grateful (especially as she's reminded that tomorrow was as guaranteed for Bodza as it is for Reilly, and is for herself as it is for Sgt. Kyle Smith—i.e., not at all). She also thinks about especially the Air Force vets and active-duty Air Force members among her loved ones (family, friends, and others)—currently in her life and yet to connect or reconnect with her, known and unknown to her, having met Reilly and yet to meet Reilly, etc..

Remember that Reilly is, for example, a "grandniece" of a retired Air Force colonel and an Air Force veteran whom almost served in Vietnam, and a "great-grandniece" of a World War Two veteran whom served in the Air Force—all of whom are descendants of her name honorees. She's also a writing subject mainly due to the inspiration of another Air Force veteran, although "Momma" doesn't know if he served in Vietnam (She had the impression that he served stateside similar to how one of Reilly's "great-great-granduncles" whom was in the Army served stateside in World War Two.).

By the way, "Bodza" is a name mainly in Poland, Hungary, and Croatia—where "Momma" and Reilly have Jewish (and MaltiJewish) roots.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

What The Outsider Looking In On Debbie Reynolds' and Carrie Fisher's Deaths Knows For Sure

  • A strong mother-daughter bond like they had cannot withstand the death of the daughter without the mother's death soon thereafter.
  • Given Debbie Reynolds' and Carrie Fisher's mother-daughter bond, Debbie Reynolds' death certificate ought to read something like:
"Cause Of Death: Stroke
"Due to: Medical distress
"Due to: Mental and emotional distress
"Due to: Recent death of daughter
"Contributing factor: Compromised cerebral artery
"Contributing factor: Age of decedent"
  • Debbie Reynolds was 84 and lost her 60-year-old and only daughter, and firstborn child a day before. She also lost a colleague and frequent collaborator when she outlived her only daughter and firstborn child.
Meanwhile, keep Debbie Reynolds' and Carrie Fisher's loved ones and friends—including Todd Fisher, Billie Lourd, and Gary Fisher—and everyone else whom's particularly affected by Debbie Reynolds' and Carrie Fisher's deaths in your thoughts and prayers.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Yet, They Never Believe "Momma" Until "Momma" Persists In Getting Them To Pet Reilly

Granted that "Mom-Mom" worked from home today and was holding Reilly on her lap. Still, Reilly did exactly as "Momma" said that she would—she let the home-improvement contractors pet her and gave them kisses. Reilly also barks because she hates when people leave in fact, Reilly is gregarious to the point at which she licked the spaying team as she came out of the anesthesia!

By the way, if God wills and "Mom-Mom" allows, Reilly and "Momma" would love to have family, friends, and others—including whomever Reilly's "Daddy" is or might be—to come over and meet and/or visit with Reilly on Thanksgiving! Maybe there'll even be venison 😉!

In all seriousness, Reilly would love to meet and regreet people. As for Camille, even though she did let one other person pet her today, she usually misses only "Mom-Mom", her "Mimi", Shelby, and a pitbull mix in her neighborhood (in a platonic way, mind you; though as for Camille's "Auntie Nicole" quietly wonders if Cam's platonic song of lament would ever apply to her and and Reilly's "Daddy" in another way—"Momma" definitely gets verklempt and bazorgt about Reilly not having a "Daddy" and herself not having a helpmate around the holidays).

Meanwhile, Cam is becoming more than just Jewishly emotive—and she's always Jewishly emotive (despite that there's apparently no Yiddish word for "emoter"—and thus no farklenervort for "Auntie Nicole"'s "plimenitse"—although she does call her "puppeleh", semi Yinglish for "little puppy",).

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Camille's Very Patient With "Auntie Nicole", Too

Just as much as Reilly as a "dogter" has been affected by "Momma"'s difficult times, Camille as a furniece has been affected. Nonetheless, Reilly and Camille still somehow love "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole". In fact, for example, Camille was napping across from "Auntie Nicole"'s feet the other day:

By the way, pets can teach people a few lessons. For example, one lesson is that you should tell someone that you love him or her—whether in familial, romantic, or other ways—if and when you can—after all, for instance, maybe Reilly's "Great-Great-Granddad" Czarnecki would've made it to 112 (on October 24th) had he felt more loved in his life (and hurt people do hurt people, as he hurt others during his lifetime. Incidentally, do Hillary and insidious RINO Trump want to ban cars, bridges, and lessons on how to jump while they advocate banning guns? After all, Reilly's "great-great-granddad" committed suicide by blocking traffic on Falls River Bridge and jumping off of the bridge 52 years ago on December 2, 2016).

For another example, pets can save lives of especially those with physical and mental disabilities—including mental illnesses. In fact, Reilly and Camille are honestly among the reasons that "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" has not tried suicide—for instance, what would happen to Reilly if "Momma" did succeed in a suicide attempt; and would Reilly even remember "Momma" if "Mom-Mom" gave Reilly to a shelter? What if "Momma" didn't succeed, on the other hand; and what if she ended up in a horrid condition like Reilly's "Grandaunt" Mary did? Besides, what if things do get better for "Momma" and maybe, for instance, Reilly will soon have a "Daddy"?

Nonetheless, "Momma" does think about how she and Reilly are getting older, anyway . Speaking of getting older, by the way, Reilly's cousin turns one years old tomorrow (Happy Birthday, Shelby!)—and Shelby is a bright spot in any day that Reilly's "Momma" gets to visit her, as well as a bright spot in any day that Reilly and Camille get to see and/or sniff her (not like Donald Trump sniffs, though. Incidentally, "Momma" wonders how Reilly would react to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton if she ever met them.).

Monday, October 10, 2016

Reilly & Camille Finally Got Their Apples & Honey, And...

The night before, Reilly wasn't as deserving of the apple slice and honey that she had—and she is very lucky that:

  1. Puppies cannot fast and do not have to fast on Yom Kippur.
  2.  The apple slice and honey were a belated Yom Teru'ah treat as opposed to a reward or a last-treat-before-Yom Kippur treat.
  3. "Momma" considers that Reilly may've been reacting to stress at home of late.
Still, "Momma" was unpleased in having to hear "Your fur daughter made me cry" because Reilly tried to bite "Auntie Michelle" when "Auntie Michelle" was taking her downstairs to "go potty" and go back upstairs with Reilly. ("The ferocity with which she attacked me did concern me," "Auntie Michelle" adds today). Also, Reilly has tried to bite Camille before when Camille has gotten too close to "Mom-Mom" for Reilly's comfort. So, she was not going to take "Auntie Michelle"'s attempt to give "Mom-Mom" a good night kiss.

Reilly also ate "nasties" when she was outside to "go potty", and she ate "nasties" when "Aunt Michelle" took her out for a run this afternoon! Incidentally and meanwhile, "Momma" wonders what she's going to do if there ends up not a "Daddy" for Reilly—let alone any kind of miracle—let alone a Yom Kippur miracle. After all, for example, the following humiliating reminder for "Momma" that she's too physically weak to care for Reilly alone exists:

Being unable to even crawl on the floor to transport the coffee that she to drink while she watches the Presidential Debate at her computer as it livestreams.

That "Momma" couldn't even carry a coffee cup over from the kitchen to the computer desk in the family room—even with crawling and sliding the cup or carrying the cup while hanging on to objects to support her—painfully reminds her that she can't walk Reilly alone, catch her when she runs away with a "nasty" or as she runs with a toy during playtime, etc..

For all that "Momma" knows, though, maybe loneliness will count as enough of a fast for God to send her a helpmate for her and a "Daddy" to Reilly, whether soon or down the road—and whoever the "Daddy" for Reilly might be could be anyone from a total stranger to even one of the guys among guys and gals whom inspired "Momma" to write about Reilly, no matter what "Momma" thinks of the chances that any given guy would or will ever be Reilly's "Daddy".

By the way, Reilly did behave when "Auntie Michelle" took her to "peety" tonight—since Reilly can behave at least once in while, maybe there's hope of a miracle for "Momma" in terms of having a helpmate whom Reilly will know as "Daddy" (and whom Camille will know as "Uncle [Whomever]").

Saturday, June 4, 2016

On Missing Someone

Actually. I miss quite a few people—even ones whom hate me and/or couldn't be gladder that I'm out of their lives for whatever reason, and the reason is that they usually cut me off (whether rightly or wrongly) for whatever reasons. I've written about some of these people before, by the way; and I've even yet to write about some of them.

Some of the people whom I miss, for example:

  1. Diane Magruder, whom my sister and I called "Ms. Diane": Ms. Diane was actually the one whom referred us to Reilly's breeder when I was talking about getting a puppy—and she got to meet Reilly before she died. She didn't get to meet Cam, though, although we know that she'll get to meet Cam and see Reilly again one day—and I was thinking about her when I visited Cam's sister Shelby and Shelby's family today, and they talked about how they referred someone to Joyce (Reilly's, Cam's, and Shelby's breeder). When I mentioned how Ms. Diane referred us to Joyce (and how Joyce and other good breeders get a bad name because of pseudo-breeder puppy millers), I also mentioned how Ms. Diane met Reilly on the final day that we saw her—and thought about how she was markedly different after her brother died, which she mentioned, and as ALS took her life, about which we didn't know until we got the call one day from another one of her friends—she wanted to spare us, I suppose, of knowing that she was in the throes of ALS and dying from it.
  2. Many family members, quite a few whom I too often took for granted. To be fair, I'm still dealing with a lot of my own issues (and some of the family members had their own issues, as well as common issues, in regards to other family members); and there were other factors which contributed to hardly being able to see them, etc.. Still, I never even got to see sides of them that others had known or ask them questions that I could've and should've asked when I had the chance.
  3. Quite a few family friends, including to whom I'd send my writings—including the writings which went into "The Real Stories", and stories about Reilly. While I send pictures of Reilly to two of the friends and I used to be able to send pictures of Reilly to the one friend (the dear friend, father figure, and writing mentor to whom I a biography of Reilly which I wrote for writing practice), having sent them pictures of Reilly as well as e-mailing my writings to them is not the same as being able to talk to them face to face. Besides, only one of them has ever met Reilly, and Reilly has yet to meet any of their furbabies (one of whom is an elder of Reilly, a Golden Retriever named Angel).
As far as I know, by the way, Reilly does and would love them all—as she's certainly loved the ones whom she's met, even though she won't see some of them again until the World To Come comes.

One of the stories that I sent regards when Reilly escaped to see Leo (which happened shortly before the first anniversary of her homecoming). 

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Rejection Hurts. Even For-the-Best-Rejection Hurts.

Examples of hurtful, good and bad, rejections:

  1. Societal rejection, which effects mass-scale evils such as the Holocaust and the continuing rise of Donald Trump. For Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, and other peoples; women, people with disabilities, and immigrants to be told, "You don't count;" "you're not a part of America", etc. hurts—didn't Jews already suffer rejection during the Holocaust, including in the U.S. (when, e.g., Bernard Baruch was blamed for the "Jew Deal" and the "S.S. St. Louis" was turned away)? Didn't Blacks already suffer with Jim Crow and the Nadir? Didn't Hispanics already suffer with being stereotyped during "Operation Wetback"? Never mind that women suffered until even decades after Susan B. Anthony came along, and never mind that people with disabilities are still mistreated (by those such as Dana Stubblefield and TMZ, whom went after the rape victim and her "bizarre profile"—shame on TMZ for going after a person with intellectual disabilities, let alone a person with intellectual disabilities whom was trying to find a job and got raped at work!). 
  2. Familial rejection—all one, e.g., has to do is read the headlines about how a mother murdered her four-year-old child whom had Cystic Fibrosis and how female middle- and high-school students throw away their newly-born children as if the children are disposable tampons or medical waste such as pushed-out kidney stones.
  3. Romantic rejection—especially for people whom've been abused and/or whom are disabled, both having to reject romantic prospects and being rejected as a romantic prospect hurts. I've been on both sides of the rejector-rejectee coin—I had to call the police on each ex after I broke up with him, and I'm a stigma in myself because of my disabilities and having been abused (verbally, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically) in the past. Also refer to the point about societal rejection—I'm not the only person with disabilities (including mental illnesses) who's been seen as a romantic liability and/or undesirable.
  4. Professional rejection—e.g., getting a book manuscript rejected (which just happened to me, and I'm trying to find out how I can improve and resubmit the manuscript), résumé rejections, and rejections that stem from societal rejections (e.g., Refer to the point about Dana Stubblefield's victim, whom was raped on the job that she finally found; and read some of Jeff Woodward's writings and writings that Jeff Woodward has shared—which prove my point that ableism is rampant in the workplace because it is rampant in society, despite that my family refuses to believe me).
  5. Rejection by friends—or at least whom you thought were friends—and mentors—or at least whom you thought were mentors. Rejection, of course, includes betrayal—and one example of betrayal is Dr. Ben Carson's betrayal of African Americans by his endorsement of Donald Trump and slamming of Harriet Tubman's being placed on the $20 bill.
Most of the rejection types and examples thereof are bad rejections, although even the bad rejections—as hurtful as they are—have at least some good in them. e.g.:

  1. Non Trumpites have found out just really how America's colors run or don't run—even if there's a silent majority whom won't speak against Donald Trump (and Donald Trump's friend Hillary Clinton).
  2. People whose families rejected them sometimes don't even have to live in an increasingly-cruel and -miserable world, let alone among cruel and miserable families.
  3. One finds out and/or is reminded of what true love is and what true love isn't.
  4. One is forced to either carry on and/or even improve if doing so is possible.
  5. If someone seems too good to be truly good, they may just be—e.g., Dr. Ben Carson has shown how much intelligence does not equal wisdom, and how the supposedly-outsider conservative and retired neurosurgeon-turned-aspiring-POTUS is really a Dixiecrat to the core—one can't be a true Republican and good role model for African-American young men and women if he supports Tammany-Hall Trump and Andrew Jackson over Harriet Tubman.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Part Of What's Exacerbated My Depression Of Late, And A Prayer Request

A few months ago, a family friend to whom I had not talked in a while reached out to me. Once he began to talking to me again, and after four to five years had passed, I began viewing him as a father figure, a writing mentor, and a friend whom is more dear to me than he'll ever know—"There are friends that one hath to his own hurt; but there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

Needlessly to say, he became "a friend that sticketh closer than a brother". Then one day, he suddenly stopped talking to me. The only explanation was this, and it came quite a bit of time later—and remember that he is, or at least was, a writing mentor: "Going through a difficult time. Keep writing."

After that, a major news story broke; and I asked him if one of the parties whom was involved in the news-making situation was associated with him—and I received no response to that inquiry. In the next day and the following days, I was left to guess whether the news story had to do with him in even any remote way (e.g., if one of his family or friends of friend was involved), other news stories involved him, or anything else had happened. After all, what did (and does) "a difficult time" mean?

This family friend, father figure, writing mentor, and closer-than-a-brother friend of my own had reached out to me in the first place, and he ditched me without explanation. Given, among other factors, my C.P. and mental illnesses, his ditching of me was absolutely the last thing that I needed—or at least wanted, since only God ultimately knows why I needed it. I've also needed other ditchings as well, by the way, and only God has also known why I needed those—and one more-recent one came from an in-law cousin, might I add.

"The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a broken spirit who can bear?" That kind of broken spirit is what I've endured once again in the past few months—and as if OCD/Anxiety. Depression, ADD, and IBS weren't enough in of themselves; and only God ultimately knows why He's exacerbated them.

"I am the LORD, and there is none else, beside Me there is no God; I have girded thee, though thou hast not known Me; That they may know from the rising of the sun, and from the west, that there is none beside Me; I am the LORD; and there is none else; I form the light, and create darkness; I make peace, and create evil; I am the LORD, that doeth all these things.

"Drop down, ye heavens, from above, and let the skies pour down righteousness; let the earth open, that they may bring forth salvation, and let her cause righteousness to spring up together; I the LORD have created it. Woe unto him that striveth with his Maker, as a potsherd with the potsherds of the earth! Shall the clay say to him that fashioned it: 'What makest thou?' Or: 'Thy work, it hath no hands'? Woe unto him that saith unto his father: 'Wherefore begettest thou?' Or to a woman: 'Wherefore travailest thou?' Thus saith the LORD, the Holy One of Israel, and his Maker: Ask Me of the things that are to come; concerning My sons, and concerning the work of My hands, command ye Me. I, even I, have made the earth, and created man upon it; I, even My hands, have stretched out the heavens, and all their host have I commanded."

I know, too, that God's ways are not our ways, as Isaiah also speaks by the Holy Spirit. So, for example and as bad as this sounds, I don't know whether God reminds me of my friend on a daily basis to remind me to pray for him or to allow HaSatan to make fun of me (as He allowed HaSatan to torment and persecute Job, whom was already suffering with the question of whether his children loved God: "'It may be that my sons have sinned, and blasphemed God in their hearts.'")

It could also be—and this is where the "as bad as this sounds" comes into play—that God's making fun of me or punishing me for some reason that only He ultimately knows: "Search me, O God, and know my heart, try me, and know my thoughts; And see if there be any way in me that is grievous, and lead me in the way everlasting." Having my guesses about hurtful situations, what I've done or not done, etc. hurts; and even if I know and the person whom I've wronged or whom's wronging me won't tell me, that really hurts.

Incidentally (as the year went from 2015 to 2016), I saw another reminder of him, since I discussed genealogy with him and wondered if a name in his own family wasn't an allusion to this verse: "The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is set up on high."

Please pray for me, pray for my friend, and pray for others whom need prayers on their behalf, meanwhile—may we all call on HaShem Yehovah, HaMigdal HaChazaq; and may Yehovah bring reconciliation or whatever is needed to be brought between me and my friend (אם ירצה, יהוה.), and may our friendship be almost as strong as Yehovah Himself.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

My Closing Thought For the Night, And.....

I'm definitely thinking about certain people with this one—I could name names, too, though I'm hopefully too nice to do that. If you're worried that you're one of those people, you're most likely not one of those people; and if you're one of those people whom's blaming me re people whom've ditched me (despite that I'm imperfect and as human as anyone else), you're most likely one of those people—and of course you're, I'm guessing, not worried since you're blaming me.

I'm sure, by the way, that others with, e.g., mental illnesses and physical disabilities are thinking the same thought about certain people whom were (or maybe even still are) in their lives that I'm thinking about whom were and still are in my life—e.g., certain family members who've ditched me and would like to think that I'm eradicated from existence, let alone our common families' bloodlines, just because they've ditched; or they'd even like to affect people to think of me as different from whom I really am, and they do this by basically slandering and libeling me,

I made this with Powerpoint 2013, by the way.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

A Reminder That A Cousin's Cousin Inspired Me To Give

I normally don't do this; so, bear with me:
To all of my Facebook friends and others, I'm asking you to think about this (as a friend of mine reminded me and others) for a second:
  1. Among the strongest of people are those whom are also among the most sensitive of people—or at least the ones whom are willing to admit that they are sensitive and are willing to not desensitize themselves.
  2. Many who at least try to be kind are also among the ones whom are usually the first ones to be treated unkindly. The reason for that is that unkind people like to take advantage of kind people and see how strong they really are—to them, sensitivity is weakness and/or a witness against them of their own weaknesses; and sensitivity, of course, includes putting the words "I want to talk about it [whatever 'it' is]"* into action.
  3. Many who at least try to bear others' burdens are trying to do what someone refused to do for them—and frankly, they're hoping that someone will finally bear their burdens in turn (or at least that God will reward them for helping others)**.

If you find this reminder worth sharing, share it. If you don't find this reminder worth sharing, then decline to share it and leave it at that. Also, feel free to take this reminder and—for a lack of better wordage—modify it to put it in your own words, give your own examples that pertain to this reminder (See the asterisks.), and ultimately have it come from your heart.
Remember, too, that we're all imperfect; and many of us at least sometimes hurt others in the ways in which we ourselves were hurt, whether we realize or don't realize that we do—and I certainly grant that many others (for example, the aforementioned unkind people) do often, or even always, deliberately hurt others
* RIP Mary Trudnak Czarnecki (Those were her words to my aunt when she finally broke down. "No, no; it's okay—I want to talk about it."
(I wish that I knew and understood that that's why I knew such a vulnerable Great-Grandma Czarnecki when she was still alive—she was trying to be strong and hold her own for at least 73 years, 16 of them in which I was alive—she married Great-Granddad when she was 20-going-on-21 years old in 1934, and she died when she was 93-going-on-94 years. I was born in 1990 when she was 76-going-on-78 years old.).
** RIP Mary DeBoy Pundt (I only heard about her and never had the chance to meet her.).

Monday, October 7, 2013

I Resent The Judgement-Without-Understanding Aspect, And...

Those who judge me:

  1. Are the hypocrites who act like Proverbs 31:9 and 1 Corinthians 5 don't mean anything in terms of the context of Matthew 7:1-3—they think that judging means not to judge at all!
  2. Refused to let me ever say that "I have an ideal.", etc.
  3. Don't listen to me when I'm speaking from experience. Having been called a "gimp" several times (not just by that one person, as I found out when I was searching my saved mail for her comment yesterday), having attracted nothing but those who are not right for me (e.g., gentiles or Non-Messianic Jews) and slimeballs (including one who used taqiyya on me in order to date me), and not having been able to even encounter my ideal at all, I know what I'm talking about.
  4. Say that I'm selling myself short—and I know me better than they know me. Even a friend said, "[W]e attract which mirrors us"; and that's scary if that's true—and I'm selling myself short? Give me a break! If my friend's logic holds, I'm not selling myself short at all.
  5. Tell me that I'm not getting blessed because I'm sinning—really?! I acknowledged that "he's already taken." I also stated, "I'll never tell unless and until the times comes to tell". I furthermore stated, "He may not be my ideal or a perfect diamond, but he's a diamond in the rough who would definitely be worth having—and, given my own history, I'll take what good guy I can (hopefully, G-d willing) get."
  6. Say that I have to do all of the work by saying that I'm maybe not ready for the guy and that I have to do this or this. When I add, "What about him?", then they might add that he might have to do something; but they still say that I have to do something.
  7. Say that I'm not getting blessed because I'm sinning. I, for example, waited seven years between Guy One and Guy Two (both slimeballs) and followed the mandate to not seek a spouse, am not pursuing the love of my life unless and until the time right, am even confessing what's going on, and I'm sinning?! Give me a break. Besides, as I said,  "He may not be my ideal or a perfect diamond, but he's a diamond in the rough who would definitely be worth having—and, given my own history, I'll take what good guy I can (hopefully, G-d willing) get." Also, assuming (for the sake of argument) that I'm sinning, people do worse all of the time and they get blessed—even David slept with Bathsheba, murdered Uriah, and got a son in place of the one that he lost for his sins.
And as if I'm the only disabled and/or child-of-divorce person with a sordid family and/or dating history going through the kind of experience that I'm going through? Bullcrap! As I said, I am at least confessing what's going on and asking for prayer about it and waiting on God to send me the love of my life should He will to do so. 

If nothing else, I at least have a backup unless and until God sends me my ideal guy—and one of my judgerers said that she liked my ideal. Also, perhaps my judgerer can give me a favor and  produce my ideal guy, who I haven't been able to get or have at all—until she does, I am not giving up the hope and the prayers that I get the love of my life; since I would be extremely stupid not to have a backup because:
  1. I could end up an alteh moid otherwise.
  2. I could end up with a Mr. Wrong or another Mr. Slimeball.
  3. I could actually end up with him someday or, on the other hand, risk a missed opportunity. Say that I've given up on him and he's available by then, but I can't get him because I gave up on him—and then I missed an opportunity! And sometimes God does create missed opportunities! See Isaiah 45:7 and Romans 9:19-21. Also, "if it was meant to be" doesn't mean that'll it'll always happen—sometimes "it was meant to be" just means "it was the ideal", not that it was planned and was going to happen that way. Even Moses was "meant" to lead the Israelites into Canaan, but it was meant that he should struck the rock and die.
In conclusion, my judgerers must:
  1. Think that I'm stupid.
  2. Never have had an experience like mine in their life.
  3. Never have lived in glass houses themselves—since, after all, they say that "judge not" means "don't judge at all".
  4. Must think that they know me better than myself—and the judgerer who said that she like my ideal said that she does know me better than I know myself in some areas; while, according to Jeremiah 17:9, she can't even know her own heart!
As I said, I resent the judgement-without-understanding aspect and really resent that all of the work is put on me, especially when I know that I'm not stupid and even that I'm not the only one going through an experience like I'm going through! 

Sunday, October 6, 2013

The Love Of My Life Versus The Ideal, And Why I Would Prefer the Not-Completely-the-Ideal Love Of My Life

I've obviously been kvetching about the love of my life, and I can tell that I've been utzing some people and wanting to make them brekhn. Nonetheless, I wouldn't talk about my true love if there weren't quite a few factors in play. The factors include that:

  1. I'm never going to get my ideal.
  2. What I have attracted are guys who are either not right for me and/or don't fit my ideal, anyway; are slimeballs, or both.
  3. I've had enough of a rough life as my life has been—for example (going back to Factor Two), I had the first relationship from August 2004 to May 2005 and waited seven (almost eight) years only to end up in the other failed relationship (February 26, 2013-March 2, 2013). Both relationships were with people who turned out to be slimeballs, and both of whom I had eventually to call the police on. Add that I'm already a divorce statistic (My parents are divorced; both of my dad's living siblings are divorced as well [and my dad and my uncle each remarried]; only two of my maternal grandmother's born children have never been divorced; two of my Trudniak great-granduncles were divorced—one was divorced two or three times—; and my mom's maternal granddad's maternal grandmother was divorced—and there were other divorces. There've also been miserable marriages—e.g., that of my dad's paternal grandparents.)—now know that I'm statistically likely to get divorced.
  4.  I have Cerebral Palsy with an ITB Pump inside of me, OCD/GAD, MDD, IBS, and ADD. Add in Factor Three, and you have why Factor One is in play whether or not Factor Two is added to it.
So, what is my ideal? Besides what I've already mentioned, here's a list:

  1. A Messianic Jew—preferably a Levi or a kohen—and one who knows that we are no longer obligated to keep all 613 mitzvot.
  2. A virgin (I'm a virgin; and—yes—that should've been obvious on the fact that I have CP alone.).
  3. One who is a political scientist, historian, or similar type of professional.
  4. One who can deal with my disabilities, family history, etc. 
I could keep listing more points; but just given  that I have CP and that—e.g.—men have left women who have had more-common conditions such as breast cancer, you should have been able to figure out that I wasn't going to get my ideal. Besides, all the good, I'd-never-be-able-to-get-one-of-them-anyway guys are taken by (mostly) non-disabled women and/or who don't have the kind of family history that I have. I'm well aware of all this to the point that I have cried many times over it (I'm crying right now—and, since Mom's sitting next to me, I'm praying that she doesn't see the tears.). After all, I'm the "gimp" who—by someone's suggestion—should've dated "poor jazz player" Charles Polk (I'm well aware at how the disabled are even viewed by even the good people in society, and the good and bad ones who would never say that kind of stuff out loud.).

So, who is the love of my life? As I said, I'll never tell unless and until the times comes to tell—especially since, e.g., he's already taken. Here's some of what he's like, though (I have to be vague since I don't want to give too much away, since some people know or might be able to figure out who he is.):
  1. He cares about tikun ha'olam and social justice, and has done and does avodah l'tikun ha'olam that has affected and affects many people, including people like me.
  2. He's Jewish and actually comes from a mixed background like I do.
  3. He's handsome.
  4. He's an acquaintance of mine.
  5. Any woman be blessed to have him, despite his foibles and flaws.
  6. He's honest.
  7. He knows what he believes and why he believes it.
Do you see now why I talk (albe too much) about him and ask desperately for prayer that I may get him? He may not be my ideal or a perfect diamond, but he's a diamond in the rough who would definitely be worth having—and, given my own history, I'll take what good guy I can (hopefully, G-d willing) get.

Monday, June 10, 2013

An Epiphany That Occurred To Me Only After My Last Blog Entry...

With All Due Respect To Survivors Of Suicide (Even Myself, You Have To Remember)...

I had to laugh in my head when someone talked about losing her friend to the "dark tunnel of suicide"--she, like others, talks about how suicide is "difficult" for the survivors. Survivors of suicide like her (even if they don't say it) also think about how suicide is selfish, etc..

Well, firstly, the "dark tunnel of suicide" wasn't that dark for him--he committed suicide! Besides, secondly, like he probably thought, I'm thinking more and more that I agree with the sentiments (and I've--when I've Googled "Why shouldn't I commit suicide?", for example--seen and/or picked up the sentiments) that:

  1. Suicide may not be that damned selfish after all.
  2. The survivors may be being the ones who are selfish--who are they really crying for, after all? (By the way, Wayman Tisdale did not commit suicide, but you get the point.)
  3. Since people are complaining about population control, it wouldn't (or at least shouldn't) kill you (pun intended) if we kill ourselves, anyway. After all, you sure don't feel--or at least act like you feel--that losing us would kill you while we're still alive--or at least most of the time, you don't. In fact, you usually act quite the opposite way while we're alive--that is, that you'd even want to see us gone and are just too tactically polite to say that. Even, for instance, while the one person talked about how her loved one "was close to me and all his friends and family" and was a "great friend", the loved one sure didn't feel like he was--or why else would he have committed suicide? Or maybe he felt like he was on his end but not on his loved ones' ends--after all, why didn't he stick around if he truly felt like he was loved by his loved ones.
  4. Since you don't care for or even want us around while we're around and alive, that we'd be no longer around or alive would be better for all parties. Besides, you can really put your sentiments behind your "I miss you when you're not around" and "I'll always love you" words when we're really not around.
  5. Suicidal people and suicide committers may, in some senses, be ahead of their time. For example, my great-granddad committed suicide on the day that Mario Savio spoke and helped usher in Jacob's Trouble--and he had seen enough of Jacob's Trouble on the horizon in his day. By the way, in case anyone's asking, I did tweet that I gained a whole new respect for Great Granddad for that in a perhaps-perverse since.
  6. Since, again, you don't care for or even want us around while we're around and alive, that we'd be no longer around or alive would be better for all parties. After all, if and/or since we're really that much trouble to you while we're alive and around, we'd be putting an end to both our and your miseries if we decided to commit suicide. Also, again, that'd solve your population-control issue.
  7. Since we may be well ahead of our time and you don't want us around, quit your (for a lack of a better term and with all due respect) bitching--we're perhaps even escaping to Heaven. Even if we're not, we were predestined for Hell (where you at least surely acted like you wanted us, anyway). Regardless, we'd be cutting our days short--perhaps to your satisfaction, as you made it seem half of the time.
  8. The only reason that we don't commit suicide is because we're too damned in dread of what would happen if we did commit suicide or--worsely--if we actually survived a suicide attempt and had dreadful consequences associated with our failed suicide attempts and survivals thereof (or therefrom--whichever; you get the point). 
So, give suicide commiters and those of us who've been suicidal--for good reason--a break. You didn't seem to care for your suicide-victim loved one when he or she was still here--or else he or she would still be here, because he or she would know that he or she had a friend who's even a sibling or even close than one. You don't seem to care for us now--in fact, you're sending us the same messages that you sent your suicide-victim loved.

And that's why I laughed--not because I thought that his suicide was funny, but because I thought that (as he must've thought or would think) she's a damned hypocrite for saying what she should've said and meant while he was alive. Had she truly meant all that she said now that he's been gone for two years, he would've never gone through that suicide attempt--even Jeremiah stayed alive because he had Baruch and Hanamel, and Elijah had 6,999 others .

So, with all due respect to survivors of suicide (including those who've been suicidal like I have), give suicide victims and those who've been suicidal (including yourselves if you've been suicidal) a break! At least if you give us a break, we'll stay around to at least make you selfish brats and hypocrites happy--even if you really don't care for us, and at least to prove that we're not selfish like you--nor would we actually be selfish if we decide to take ourselves out of your lives! 

Monday, October 8, 2012

I Saw This Earlier Today, But...

Now I have time to share this:

10:36:55 -- 13 hours 28 mins ago
Longmont, Colorado arrived from on "The Nicole Factor: Part Six of My Stage32 Submission" by searching for francis a. “red” czarnecki.
10:03:30 -- 14 hours 1 min ago

What an impact that my blog is making! Furthermore (unless just some relative, family friend, or whoever else changed his or her location online, is on vacation, moved, etc.), what an impact Granduncle Red made! Granduncle Red's is the kind of life that I want to live--I grant that he got Grandaunt Judy (then Judith Ann Thomas) pregnant outside of marriage, was an alcoholic, etc.; but he literally gave up his baseball scholarship to do the right thing by marrying his then-pregnant girlfriend, and he was known and remembered by all who knew him as a nice and righteous man.

Granduncle Red aspired to be famous baseball player, too--and he could have been one--, but he knew that doing righteousness and making an impact was far better than being famous. Francis "Red" Anthony Czarnecki, June 21, 1940 - July 9, 1985--zichrona l'bracha

Sunday, September 30, 2012

I've Made My Decision In Terms Of Naming A Pet...

If I ever get a pet, I may name the said pet after a deceased love one. After all, based on the answers that I've received (one of them quite inappropriate, as I made clear), I see no contradiction against or contradistinction from Judaism or Jewishness in naming a pet after--for example--my beloved and late Great-Granduncle Bernie. The answers (not in chronological order) that I received are as follows, and I break down the answers as to why they affected me to decide that naming a pet after Great-Granduncle Bernie would be okay:

Firstly (and I made quite clear that I didn't appreciate being yelled at or having to ask a follow-up question):

Reform Judaism/Answered Question

Expert:Rabbi Sue Levy
Subject:Naming Pets In Judaism
Question:QUESTION: Is naming a pet after a deceased loved one appropriate or encouraged for a Jewish person to do?

ANSWER: Dear Nicole,

No, it is absolutely NOT appropriate to name a pet after someone who died.

Chag Sameach,

Rabbi Sue

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Why is it inappropriate to do so?
Answer:A pet is not a person who will carry on the honored legacy of the individual being remembered. You cannot teach a put about the person for whom it is named. A pet cannot emulate that person or behave in its honor. A pet cannot feel a sense of connection with that individual. It is degrading to the memory of the deceased to consider an animal worthy of such an honor.

Secondly (and I give David kavod for not yelling at me, and I asked him partly because he didn't list himself as a "rabbi" or an Anti-Messianic ["Anti-Missionary"] type):

Orthodox Judaism/Answered Question

Expert:David Rosenblum
Subject:Naming Pets In Judaism
Question:Is naming a pet after a deceased loved one appropriate or encouraged for a Jewish person to do?
Answer:Hi Nicole,

Please know that I am not a Rabbi.

I never heard of a provision for naming a pet after a person.  It is most certainly not encouraged.  I would avoid it for the following reason (this is my own judgement and subject to critical debate):

The purpose of naming someone after they passed away is so that their memory should continue.  Since we remember the dead fondly, we remember their good deeds and will strive to emulate their ways which benefits ourselves for obvious reasons but also benefits the deceased since we improved ourselves in their merit.  This is stimulated by attaching the name to another person and continually calling that person who has equal standing in the hierarchy of creatures, by that same name.  If the name is attached to a lesser creature I can see the possibility of the memory being degraded and the effect being nullified and perhaps even reversed.  In other words, since we degraded the memory, we will not end up emulating the good ways and perhaps incur a negative trait due to the degradation.

About the naming in general: many families attach great importance to this and sometimes quarrel about which name to give to newborns.  I always hear Rabbis say that the loss of peace is a much greater issue than can be gained by naming after their loved one.  Intelligent and learned Jews always are very easy with giving up the right to such honors in favor of keeping peaceful relations.  To me it always seemed that the naming after a deceased is a nice to have but not very important.

I hope this helps.


Fourthly (and this connects to this):

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki
3 hours ago near Baltimore
: Wait a minute: if you give a pet a Jewish name, isn't that possibly naming that pet after a deceased loved one--e.g., "Rivkah", 'imenu?
Like ·  · 


Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki
Friday near Baltimore
: Is naming a pet after a deceased loved one Jewish or Jewishly appropriate?
Like ·  · 

By way of these answers, I'm getting  impression that one's naming of a pet after a deceased loved one would be okay provided that doing so would not cause someone else to stumble--after all, if one can't die for another person, why should he or she have to live for the same--especially if living is or was incumbent on the other person (After all, that Yeshua died for someone else is often an objection to Yeshua per a perversion of. for example, Deuteronomy 24:16, and Ezekiel 18:4 and 18:20.)? . Also, as a ChaCha expert stated, what the deceased one would have wanted or not wanted is what matters.

So, maybe I shouldn't have stopped for a minute and worried when a Golden Retriever named "Bernie" affected me to, G-d willing, someday name a pet after Great-Granduncle Bernie--after all, especially if I don't have children, can't one of my "fur children" have a family name? By the way, the above-cited verses meant only that a sinful human couldn't die for another sinful human--if anyone died for someone else, G-d would have to (See, for example, Psalm 112 and Isaiah 43:10-13--where G-d even states, "And My servant whom I have chosen,[t]hat you may know and believe Me, [a]nd understand that I am He."--and 53.). 

Also by the way, the answers from Amy, David Marshall, and Tareq (as far as I know) came from gentiles; Michelle is my twin and (as much as I love my twin) not--as far as I know--a mevinah (though she was our community college's JSU President until an Anti-Messianic type came in and took it over); and I'm a little surprised that Nehemia, for a Karaite, cited Jewish tradition as opposed to giving an answer from a purely-Karaite (even if a Non-Messianic Karaite) perspective. 

Furthermore by the way, since--in the case of a grieving cat owner--"[i]t might be wise to purchase another cat, similar in breed to the previous one, and even name it the same name as the previous one.  [since t]his will somewhat alleviate the pain.", why can't a grieving person name his or her fur child after a deceased loved one?