I have ancestors whom committed suicide due to Depression; my father's sister attempted suicide due to Depression; I ended up in a mental hospital due to Depression.
You indeed "[know] powerfully little about the physiological mechanisms behind real, incurable, moored-to-the-bed-in-supine-position depression." By the way, not every person with Depression stays moored-to-the-bed-in-supine-position". Also, you need to learn that there is a marked difference between feeling depressed and Clinical Depressions such as Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar Depression, and Schizoaffective Disorder (a combination of Schizophrenia and Bipolar Depression).
I really hope that your major is not Psychology, Biology, Chemistry, or Pre-Med Studies, because I would not award you a degree in either of those fields of study were I the person whom is responsible for conferring degrees on students at Brown University.