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Showing posts with label moms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moms. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I Need To Find the Man For Me Before I Go Insane....

To put the situation generously, I have an immature sister and a mom who can't accept her part in everything-- after all, she's the one who would send us to visit an abusive Dad by court order, instead of defying the court order for the moral good. Now that she's dealing with quite a bit of the fallout of at least 10 years (1996-2006; and it's been only five years, a month, and a few weeks since we stopped seeing Dad), she continues to say, "I would've been in contempt of court." You can't accept accountability; can you, Mom?

As for my sister, the only reason that I'm not blogging about her is because she threatened to tell Mom if I did (Real mature!). As I said, I need to find the man for me before I go insane to:

  1. Get away from Mom and my sister.
  2. Have someone provide for me. 
  3. Have independence within the context of how much I can be independent, and independent within the context of a stable marriage and household.
  4. Not have to commit suicide.
  5. Not have to deal with any part of Mom's part of her own fallout of her lifestyle choices. She, not my sister and I, made the choices that got her to having an abusive husband-turned-ex husband and being a divorced-single mom to my sister and me.
The list goes on. Pray that G-d sends the man for me soon.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

And My Mom Still Isn't Helping Look For My Glasses....

But she doesn't mind telling me what a "hellhole", "death trap", "safety hazard", etc. my room is. She also doesn't mind yelling at me "It's TRASH!" when I worry that she hasn't checked a paper or back thereof, or sets of papers or backs thereof for any song lines or ideas, cartoon ideas, or anything else that I've written or even drawn that I might want to keep.

I might also want to keep papers, etc.. I'm really trying to build a personal and documentary-historical type of library for if and when I do become famous-- or if nothing else, for if and when to share things when progeny comes in time. I don't remember half of what I've written, drawn, and/or want to keep, anyway; so that's why I keep all that I keep.

And besides with my OCD/Anxiety (besides with keeping everything), I would and do take a long time going through everything; and as I've, I dread even accidentally throwing away something valuable. Frankly, I'd rather burn up my "safety hazard" of a room and take me with it.

Then I'd have no more worries. "No more worries" includes no more worrying about throwing valuable items away and about my glasses. And about Mom yelling at me and throwing things away for me, and telling me what a "hellhole" and "death trap" of a "safety hazard" my room is.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Dear Mom...

I know that I'm a failure. I know that you're not proud that I don't study as hard as I could, do much around the house as I could, and do much else as I could. But I try. I struggle with OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and possible Aspberger's. I may also struggle with ADD and ADHD (Aunt Mary struggles with mild ADD.). And I struggle with my Cerebral Palsy.

Imagine going through all that I've gone through with little to no support, and spurts of support that are about the extent of the support that I get. Imagine knowing that you're-- though imperfect-- unappreciated and not good enough for anyone no matter what you do. Imagine having my rough family history and not being discouraged from dealing with and talking about it, especially by me & other family. And imagine being mostly or entirely alone otherwise all the time.

I could go on; but Dear Mom, I know that I'm a failure. And now you know why.

Friday, November 11, 2011

I'm Not the Most Prolific or Popular Blogger, But...

I generate some fans, followers (official and unofficial), and even some haters and trolls. I blog enough to get my point across and reach what audience I can, and I can say even what my mom and sister don't like that I say here (and my mom doesn't like half of the stuff that I say). So, as long as I have enough of an audience who's reading my points (provided that they find my blog in ethical, moral, and legal ways) and can have a space to avoid my mom's and sister's radars, I'm content.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Speaking of Great-Grandma Czarnecki And En El Primero de Novembre de 2011...

Y en el Dia de Los Muertos 2011, I think of and remember Great-Grandma Czarnecki. I think of the woman who was my great-grandma and who I took for granted all those times that we visited her at Apartment 214, 10 E South Street in Wilkes Barre. I think of the woman whose history I never knew or took time to knew-- so she's Pop-Pop's mom, Great-Granddad's widow, the one who's Lithuanian (I assumed from what I was told.). I think of the woman whose life came to a cold, callous end in a hospital with its possessor's leg amputated and with a murder-malice-intenting son who committed Social Security in it.

I think of the good Jewish Evagelical Catholic mother and wife, aunt and sister, and daughter who I've learned so much about since she's been gone-- the daughter of a gentile Trudniak and Jewish Catholic Monkaova of Kacwin and Lapsze Nizne, Poland (both then in Slovakian Austria Hungary), the mother (and grandmother and great-grandmother) of Jews herself ("And in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.”"; "and in your seed all the nations of the earth shall be blessed;"-- and if she didn't know, she'd at least be tickled to know that her seed and her mother's seed are also descendants of at least many of the nations of the earth); the wife, aunt, grandaunt, great-grandaunt, and otherwise a relative of a diverse Jewish family

(e.g., I don't think that she'd care anymore that her son Tony's wife is Irish-- she didn't like that Grandaunt Mary Ellen is Irish. Maybe she wanted, but just never said that she wanted, Granduncle Tony to marry a good Jewish girl-- particularly an Ashkenazic Jewish Catholic girl, Anusit or open about her Jewishness-- and not make the same mistake that she did and marry a meshugener, who would've been a meshugene in Granduncle Tony's case. V'chalilah when Pop-Pop married Grandma-- she did not like her. She even cut her out of a picture and replaced her with a Christmas tree.).

And looking back on all I've learned and all that I saw for myself, especially in a Jewish context; I see an elter-bubbie for whom I will pursue tzedek-- "Tzedek, tzedek, tirdof."-- and let her son learn that of all things that he's done, (so to speak) stepping all over his good Jewish Christian mama is one thing with which he will not get away.

I am a Monkaova Trudniak, no question.
Great-Grandma Czarnecki her grandson Gary on my dad's first wedding day, July 22, 1989. This is how I remember her-- except that she was much older when I met her.
At Dad's baptism. Great-Granddad is next to her.
She is holding Aunt Mary, Great-Granddad next to her and holding Dad. Granduncle Red is on the right, Granduncle Jim next to Great-Grandma.

Great-Grandma Czarnecki on her wedding day, May 10, 1934. I should've known-- she was too pretty to be just Slovakian.
With mama Anna Trudniak nee Monkaova

Saturday, July 30, 2011

When You're Like Me; Suicide Is Still Awfully Tempting No Matter How Painful It Is

And maybe that's part of suicide's appeal-- the pain, the selfishness. For example, some people say that would miss me if I committed suicide-- boy, would I like to come back and see them put their money where there mouth is (I almost typed "mouth where their money is", but maybe that, too.). Besides, if they want me around so badly (and with all due respect and deference, STFU if you want to start kvetching about how this is typical suicidal talk, etc.; you will utz me):

  1. Why do they treat me like they'd rather me be dead? And while they're at it; some of them hate me because I'm on the lowest of the lowest, of the lowest of the lowest rung of the social ladder in general society-- the disabled. For example, I have Cerebral Palsy (Diplegic Spastia); and I don't hear anyone talking about Julie Cirella anymore-- in fact, I almost suspect that some think that Julie Cirella's mother did the right and honorable thing. But they sure as Heaven and Hell wouldn't say that if Julie Cirella weren't disabled (and forget that she's Black-- her disability, not her ethnicity, is what makes her less honored than Caylee Anthony, Leiby Kletzky-- of whom I am a fellow Israelite--, and the Coleman boys, for example.).
  2. Why do some of them try to contol my life and otherwise abuse (including ignore and withhold important information, including documents) from me, knowing that they damned well couldn't do that if I weren't disabled? FYI, Dad; were I not disabled, you never would've gotten away with even some of your physical abuse, let alone (among other actions) your verbal and other non-physical abuse and withholding that Great-Granddad Czarnecki and Great-Great-Granddad Foczko both committed suicide (which would have explained why I tried to commit suicide-- people without a history of suicide and/or other significant issues in their family and other history don't attempt or threaten suicide).
  3. Same question above, except my prime example-- my thought policewoman of a mother. You damned well know, Mom, that you would never try to control what I at 21 years old say, do, etc. if I weren't disabled and had prospects. And I'm sorrowed (Why should I be "sorry"? I'm not apologizing for having my own thoughts, etc. at 21; so I'm sorrowed)  that, for example, my being proud of my Jewish heritage (no matter how unproud of it Dad and his family are) isn't your cup of tea. Besides, see if I ever tweet about anything that you might need prayer for or any appreciation of anything that you do or go through again-- after all, you "don't want to live [your] life out in the public venue".
I could give more examples, but I think that being on the most-times-over-lowest-of-the-lowest rung of the social ladder and easily abusable because of my Cerebral Palsy is an understandable reason for why I'm still often quite tempted to commit selfish suicide-- rub the pain that they've affected and effected in, and get the last laugh ("See you suckers! I'll be in Heaven; you'll still be here!").

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

"Bring the Chance To Be Free" and Return, O L-rd!

George, Cindy, and Lee Anthony... the rain was definitely brought on them; and I agree that George and Lee suffered the most in particular. To be left behind... why must the righteous like Caylee be taken and the righteous like George and Lee left behind? George wanted to be with Caylee... I feel that way about a yet-unavenged murder victim in my own family- actually, two.
I've mentioned Great-Grandma Czarnecki several times... and now that Casey got away (or so it seems)... but how's that divorce, Aunt Mary? Is your life working out for you since you didn't pursue tzedek against Pop-Pop, the dad who abused you and your own grandmother as well- not to mention his own mother? Remember that Mary Trudnak Czarnecki was (or is his late) mother.

The second one is a Holocaust victim, a dishonored Jew who laid in a Veterans Affairs Homes and Hospital complex for the rest of his life because of shrapnel in his head and botched surgery. Who remembers Pfc. Bernard "Bernie" S. Czarnecki; US Army, 111th Infantry Division, Medical Core? And with all due respect to Lenny Kravitz, you thought that Pfc. Leonard Kravitz was dishonored? Who Pop-Pop Czarnecki takes after (his uncles John "Johnkie" and Joseph "Suzy" Czarnecki) even got away with Social Security fraud (That's why there's no record for Great-Granduncle Bernie or benefits for his sister Alexandria Alice Czarnecki Dombroski, who take care of him and set up the account for him. She was a widow already raising a child alone, and now she loses a brother and has no survivors' benefits to take care of herself and her son- and she even took care of Great-Great-Grandma Czarnecki before she died!).

"Bring the chance to be free" and return, O L-rd!

Monday, June 27, 2011

To Begin, Pop-Pop's A Murderer As Well as A Self-Dreading Jew Who Is Ungrateful To His Philosemitic gentile Mother

"Czarnecki" was actually a change in our name. We actually were "Chernetski" before my great-granddad Czarnecki's parents converted to avoid the pogroms, then were kicked off the family farm in Lipsk nad Biebrza because of said conversion. They took "Czerniecki", "Czarniecki", and other variants before settling on "Czarnecki" when they assimilated as Anusim in Sugar Notch, PA; and they never returned to Lipsk, Tsuman (where Great-Granddad was born while his mom was visiting Andrulewicz (Andrulevich) relatives in Buzhanka, Kiev area), or anywhere else in Poland or the Ukraine for even a visit. I didn't even know any of this until I began family research and confronted my dad's dad (John "Jack" Czarnecki) about hiding all of it.
Great-Granddad was Antoni Jan Julianowicz Chernetski, the oldest son and child of Julian Jan Antoniowicz "Felix" and Aleksjondria Alicja Antoniowicza Chernetski (respectively; the son of Antoni and Katarzyna Danilowicza Chernetski, and the daughter of Antoni "Anthony" and Katarzyna "Katherine" Morgewicza (Margiewicza) Andrulewicz). When Great-Granddad came here with his mom to join his dad (who had already joined relatives who had splintered off into Sugar Notch from the group of Chernetskis that came here- and many of whom splintered off into Jersey City, NJ and other parts besides Sugar Notch); he along with his parents had his name Americanized into "Anthony Czarnecki" (1910 Census), which was (with his middle name, "Jan", Americanized into "John") the final name that he was given and/or stuck with (1920 Census: "Anthony Chernetski"; 1930 Census: "John Czarnecki", sent away to a mental asylum in Wood River, Illinois).
By the way (I'm kvetching here; but this is a keep-in-mind thing), from what I understand, the-now Alexandria Alice Andrulewicz Czarnecki was a wicked woman who was part of what affected and effected him to be at Wood River in the first place. When the-now Julian John Czarnecki (with his name given as "Julian Czarniecki" on his death certificate) died on September 11, 1922 (and Great-Granddad was only 17 when his dad died); Alexandria took over the household with an iron fist- not that she didn't have one before (since Julian was a schicker, and she manipulated that), but she took over- and began influencing then-to-be-18-year-old Anthony and his America-born siblings (Regina, 13, dead by four laters later; Alexandria Alice, to be 12 on September 28; Stanislaw "Stanley" Peter, 10; John Felix, 9; Edward L., 7; Joseph Paschal, 5; Bernard, 2; and Cecelia, 9 months old) nuts.
This becomes important when you track down and realize that, for example: 

  1. They were indeed Anusim, and dropped mixed-bag hints at that. In other words, you had to really think about the names (among other things) as hints to figure that out. (e.g., Notice any "Mary"s in there? Remember that an ancient Jewish- and still a Sefardi Jewish- practice is to name relatives even after still-living family members?)
  2. The names become extremely important when you have to keep track of who went where. For example; as I recall finding out, Great-Granduncle Stanley fled to Nanticoke with his then-new-wife, Theresa Makarczyk, around the time that Great-Granddad himself came back to Sugar Notch and married the gentile Mary Trudnak (which, as you can imagine, pissed off Mama Alexandria off! In fact, for such a seemingly-Catholic wedding, there's no preist's signature on and no returned filed for the marriage license of Anthony John and Mary Trudnak Czarnecki!). By the way, why Great-Granduncle Stanley fled: Mama Alexandria wasn't hassling only daughter-in-law Mary. Besides, there were cousins in Nanticoke, so he had connections there if and when push ever came to shove (which it did).     
Great-Granddad with Dad on his lap; Great-Grandma with Aunt Mary, named for Great-Grandma and also Great-Grandma Marysia "Mary" Elizabeth Rusnak Gaydos. The Virgin Mary was far from receiving kavod from Pop-Pop (far left, next to his brother James "Jim" Julian. By the way, I told you that the naming was part of the hint dropping.).

 Not that Dad will admit that he didn't like his own "Pop-Pop" Czarnecki ("Like dad, like son" in more ways than one); but he didn't like him (and can you blame him? "Tony", Sr. took on after a certain Mama Alexandria). As the old wisdom goes; unless you really commit to conciously being the opposite of whom you dislike, you end becoming the next generation of whom you claimed that you did not want to be (and did Dad ever become like my "Pop-Pop" Czarnecki, who was like "Pop-Pop" Tony, Sr. Czarnecki!)

"Doesn't seem too upset at his.." "Grandfather Czarnecki"! Sure; he doesn't; or else he wouldn't have hidden that last part of the caption when he scanned in the photo (for which I had to fight with him); right, Grandma?. By the way, perhaps I will quote the proverb- and G-d forgive me- "Like mother, like daughter". And Grandma; who knows? Maybe, as happens as well, you even married someone like your mother- at least in some ways. Well, betraying relatives during the Shoah puts Great-Grandma Gaydos up there with Pop-Pop, no matter how (as Aunt Mary put it) kind and sweet she (apparently) was (otherwise?). Or maybe Pop-Pop is up there with Great-Grandma Gaydos (Who knows? I'm kvetching by now.).

By the way, Dad had a broken collarbone at the time- he had fallen out of a high chair.

Dad at his baptism with Great-Grandma Czarnecki holding him, Great-Granddad looking at him, and Great-Grandma Gaydos and Grandma Czarnecki posing for a picture.

Friday, June 24, 2011

"Slow and Steady Wins Races", as My Ex Points Out

 And that's one of the things that we learn with CP: thank G-d that we can't do as much in some ways. e.g., my non-disabled cousin Tommy Zinkand had the opportunity to ride a motorcycle and convinced himself that he was invincible. On June 26, 2005; he was going too fast and hit a minivan body on. On Sunday; six years will have passed (Poor Danny and Terri. Danny's his dad, Terri his sister.). By the way, that side of my Farrell-DeBoy family has not had life easy: besides Tommy, Danny's wife (and Terri's and Tommy's mom) Sylvia, cousin (and my aunt) Mary Carole Allen Hamilton, and brother-in-law (and Terri's and Tommy's uncle) Danny Dugas all died at around this time of year as well (Aunt Mary Carole on Flag Day 2008, and Danny Dugas a week ago, and Sylvie (Sylvia)... let me check... April 28, 2010. Not an easy couple of months to get through for the Farrell-DeBoy Zinkands.).

Friday, June 17, 2011

There Were A Couple Times Where I Thought About Committing Suicide Today. Why?

  1. I am a diagnosee of OCD/Anxiety/Depression and Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy, and self diagnosee of IBS (I know what I have; thank you very much. My dad has Chron's, and my granddad has had Chron's- but not that he'll admit it- and Colon Cancer).
  2. I am housestuck and single especially because of the Cerebral Palsy.
  3. I am housestuck and single because said CP renders me unable to drive.
  4. My mom sides with and/or enables my abusers and persecutors, and gets angry when I confront them; and takes advantage of the fact that I have Cerebral Palsy, can't drive, and am single. Thus, I am still stuck in her house.
  5. My dad and quite a few in his family are evil, enablers of evil, and both.
I could give more reasons, but you get the point.