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Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Reilly the Little Trouper (And How Does She Deal With A Beleaguered "Momma"?)

"Momma" doesn't know how Reilly deals with herespecially for about 3.5 years now, including when she first came home (away from home—and "Momma" is amazed that she and Reilly have survived here, as "Momma" has been vocal against Tr**p and received death threats for being vocal against Tr**p for her, Reilly's, and others' sakes). Reilly has also dealt patiently with "Momma" as she's suffered with mental-illness flareups and been up at nights to even the point of exhaustion—even to the point at which she had a headache, threw up, and hardly slept last night—and with little, or even without, compassion from "Mom-Mom" (and at least "Mom-Mom", as if she's perfect, once again admitted what she thinks of "Momma"—"You're very disruptive to this household"—and "Momma" is certainly afraid that she won't be able to take Reilly with her if "Mom-Mom" kicks her out—and not that "Momma"'s perfect, though "Mom-Mom" insists on nonetheless using what "Momma" endures and how she doesn't always handle it perfectly as a way to make her suffer more¹, and verbal abuse certainly does not help "Momma" be a good "Momma" to Reilly),

Not that "Momma"'s recent breakdown over an ableist person whom's supposed to be helping her with something instead of telling her that all she's worth is her disability (like Hell "Momma" wants to have "office clerk" as a "long-term employment goal", despite that she's made clear that she can do more than be an "office clerk" just because of her disability—and "Mom-Mom" makes excuses for her (and "Momma" did and does not owe Reilly an apology for breaking down and inadvertently scaring her, let alone having "Mom-Mom" turn Reilly against her in that moment—and "Momma"'s well aware that her yelling and crying scared Reilly!

¹En paso, una nota a un persona cierto: ¿comprendes ahora, aunque comprendo por qué diste mí mamá el beneficio de la duda? Y trato estar una buena "Mamá" a Reily, pese a qué mi propia mamá piense.

Hoy vey iz meir, todos los mis días especialmente últimamente en alguna o un otro form como el caso parece (y sí; tuve la intención de "Hoy vey iz meir" estar un juego de palabras).

Friday, April 28, 2017

Somewhat Offbeat: Two Things That "Momma" Has Explained To Reilly Multiple Times, One Of Which She Has Also Explained To Fellow Humans Of Hers

As patient Reilly continues to wait for night-owl "Momma" on a daily basis, "Momma" thinks about something that she's explained to Reilly multiple times: "Momma" even sometimes gets a goofy look on her face when she thinks about a certain person whom could be in her and Reilly's lives; and to not have an answer from that certain person gets hard especially since "Momma"'s pretty much implied here and explicitly to Reilly how she feels about him, and Reilly seems to think that he's a person whom should be in her and "Momma"'s lives.

By the way, let's just say that "Momma" has a few not-so-nice words for those whom can't figure out by now why she frequently mentions that she needs a helpmate for herself and a "Daddy" for Reilly—especially because many of them don't want to figure it out, and how (un)fortunate they are to have never suffered quite a bit of what "Momma" has suffered or have had anything that they've suffered affect them or their pets (since, for example, they apparently have no need for compassion).

Reilly waits patiently for "Momma" on a pile of "blankies" as "Momma" wraps up for the night.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

As The Old Jewish Saying Goes, And As I've Lived Especially Of Late...

What's keeping calm when you're Jewish? What's not worrying when you're Jewish?

As for me and being a Jewish Christian, I get the whole "Do not worry", "Come to Me, you whom are weary...", "Cast your cares...", etc.. Notwithstanding that (and here goes the "Oh, you of little faith"):


  1. Having Cerebral Palsy and IBS affects worry for good reason.
  2. Having OCD/Anxiety and ADD affects worry for good reason. By the way, I'm actually not the first one to have made an observation regarding whether OCD/Anxiety is inherently Jewish, and I was joking about that more to cope with my own OCD and wondering (so much for Jewish humor, as I got a hard time for making that observation)—the schtick about (I kid you not) OCD being a "Jewish disease" (as Dr. Avigdor Bonchek phrased the schtick whether OCD is Jewish) has been around for a long time. To be fair, look at, e.g., B'midbar 7 alone—having to be perfectly scrupulous about the right number of the right offerings like that could cause anyone to worry—then look at Vaiykra 11 and B'midbar 19—I myself (assuming that I'd survived birth and even had some part in Jewish life) would be washing and extra washing all day. Then try the fences around Torah. Overtime, that has to get embedded into one's genetic code and/or brain chemistry—thus, I think, part of why God desires mercy over sacrifice and obedience over burnt offerings, as His point seemed to be that ritualism as opposed to simply living by faith (e.g., "walk[ing] humbly with your God").
  3. Getting the amount of hate that I get (as I probably will over the observation above, for example), whether rightly or wrongly, affects me to always worry for good reason—even, e.g., who's going to unfriend me on Facebook or unfollow me on Twitter, thus reflecting online how what they think of me both online and offline? After all (as Curt Schilling of all people stated), people online are who they are offline and what they would be offline "if they could get away with it" (which he stated after two of his daughter's high-school classmates used Twitter to send her rape threats.
I could give more examples, though I think that three examples suffice—especially as I brace myself and bide to see how many more instances of Example Three will happen even over the next couple of minutes, especially in regard to Example Two. 



Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Somewhat Offbeat: Still Trying To Figure Out What Reilly's Possible "Daddy" Wants & Almost Fainting Today

When "Momma" has to sort of lie to Reilly about what she's doing, that's not good. In fact, "Momma" felt dizzy and like fainting as she got on to check whether or not he checked her blog re Reilly—and confusion, heartbreak, etc. can cause one to want to faint, as Reilly has sensed for at least two regarding someone else whom's going through heartbreak.

Puppies—baby and adult puppies alike—can sense when someone's enduring pain, etc.—and Reilly really is an empath, and perhaps even an exceptional one, though Camille was also emphatically tired yesterday.

















Sunday, December 11, 2016

Somewhat Offbeat: One Heartbroken & Confused "Momma" That Keeps Failing Reilly

As "Momma" has written, she doesn't know what who she thinks (or at least hopes) that Reilly's "Daddy" sometime in the future—though she doesn't know exactly when—wants. She keeps getting mixed signals—which hurt like Hell—and thus failing Reilly. Even again, Reilly is exhausted—as "Momma" is exhausted—due to—besides that "Auntie Michelle" failed to bring Reilly down on time again—being awake due to feeling heartbroken and confused, and trying to figure out what's going on as far as he's concerned.

Maybe "Momma" just ought to give up hope and wait for someone else for her and Reilly's sakes, though whether "Momma" will find a helpmate for herself and a "Daddy" for Reilly if she moves on is questionable

Thursday, December 8, 2016

How Did "Momma" Fail Reilly Again?! Reilly Gets So Sleepy In the Mornings, And...

As "Auntie Nicole" plays with energetic and bouncy Camille, she notices that she failed sleepy-by-the-time-that-she-comes-downstairs Reilly again—and Reilly is patient with her "Momma" and as compassionate as Camille, all while "Momma" is inadvertently killing herself and Reilly as her loneliness and worry for herself and Reilly is killing her.

Frustration in regard to waiting for whomever "Momma"'s helpmate and Reilly's "Daddy" is—especially if he is who "Momma" thinks that he is—is killing her as well—both "Momma" and Reilly are only getting older as time passes and is more chaotic than ever.

"Momma" is not asking too much of Yehovah for herself and Reilly, is she? 😩

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

How Does Patient Reilly Deal With A Lonely & Afflicted—And Thus, Being A Bad—"Momma"?

Last night, Reilly waited patiently as "Momma"—whom thought that she and Reilly were going to go "night nights" earlier than they did—and "Momma" completely understood as Reilly gave her a look of skepticism when she told her that they were "going upstairs now", and it took "Momma" a while to get Reilly to come to go upstairs—and Reilly waited patiently as "Momma" read to get to sleep, too.

Understandably, Reilly was a little sleepy this morning—although she was excited to go downstairs to "go potty" and have her morning "num nums". She also had to be convinced by "Momma" to find "Froggie" in the "blankie" as well.

Incidentally, one's basic vocabulary has to frequently be utilized with her or his puppies—including adult puppies—e.g., with the more-complex "blanket" becoming "blankie" and more-complex "breakfast" becoming "morning 'num nums'", despite that some puppy owners do often use more-complex vocabulary with their puppies—e.g,, when "Grandaunt Frannie" told "Momma"'s fur cousin and Reilly's match Kelso, "Kelso, finish your food."

Speaking of complex vocabulary and matches—and with " Momma" going back to the original point, Reilly fully understood when "Momma" encouraged her in standing up to her match Camille—"Good girl—good standing up to Cam!"—when Reilly growled at Camille for not letting her try to find "Froggie", too. "Momma", of course, had to originally coax Reilly by saying, "You're okay. You don't have to be afraid of Cam."

If only "Momma" had someone like that in her corner—especially as, e.g., the OCD/Anxiety and the Depression take a toll on her and drain her to the point where she can't muster the energy and make the time to frequently brush Reilly's "teethers"—although to be fair, Reilly did (and God must have moved Reilly to) give "Momma" fully-understanding-that-"Momma"-is-going-through-a-hard-time kisses while "Momma" prayed over her for God to protect her "teethers" and prayed with her otherwise.

Nonetheless, not having a helpmate to "Momma" and "Daddy" to Reilly is hard on "Momma"—and if Reilly's eventual "Daddy" is who "Momma" thinks that he is and who might even hope that he is someday (although "Momma" doesn't quite know what he wants and where he is in life), "Momma" wants to know for both her sake and Reilly's sake—especially as, e.g, being lonely during the holidays (even with Reilly around—since there are voids that puppies can't fill) will only drain "Momma" more and compound "Momma"'s Cerebral Palsy that makes chasing Reilly to get recycled oatmeal packets that she somehow got out of her mouth (and luckily, it was an entirely- or almost-entirely-empty packet of just organic Oats and Flax Oatmeal with a little bit of organic sugar—and Reilly had her leash on when "Momma" went to retrieve the packet from her mouth—and Reilly did drop it the first time for a treat).


Added at 2:04 PM EST: Reilly let "Momma" take a picture in order to get a belly rub (12:57 PM EST)

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Behaving-Hypocritically Reilly 😞, And Camille The Blankie Dominator and Yogurthead

Leave to Ri to growl at Cam and—as "Auntie Michelle" observed—for being impatient at "num nums" time, and then barking like she's doing as "Momma" types and hasn't stopped since she came in from going "potty". Also leave to Ri to:


  1. Give "Momma" a hard time in trying to take her "potty" prior to her walk—and not letting her get her harness and leash on her at all—and at least "Auntie Michelle" acknowledged that blaming "Momma" for Reilly's running in the opposite direction , etc., was (as "Momma" put it) "insensitive bull****"—"Momma" can't run and catch or corner Reilly!
  2. Trying to chase a squirrel and eating "nasties" at an earlier time that she's going "potty"
  3. Misbehaving on her walk, as "Auntie Michelle" reported
Reilly's misbehavior is disendearing and disingenuous—"Momma" gets that puppies are like toddlers, and she nonetheless knows that Reilly knows better than to inappropriately bark, eat "nasties", chase squirrels, and otherwise misbehave.

As for Camille, she was misbehaving for a bit as well—she tried to, eh, dominate her blankie as usual; and she growled at Reilly yesterday when Reilly tried to play the "Find the Toy In the Blankie" game (and Reilly continues to be afraid of Camille when Camille does that, despite that Ri has the right to keep her mind sharp by playing, too). She also was not patient in waiting for "Auntie Nicole" to drop the blankie:





Reilly finds Camille "weird".












Meanwhile, Reilly surprisingly did not lick Camille's head when some yogurt accidentally got on it—and even left a Harry Potter-scar shape. Cam tried to lick it, though, and licked whatever fell off of her head—of course, she wouldn't let "Auntie Nicole" exactly take a picture or wipe the yogurt off of her head—and she decided to wipe her itchy head on the chair covers.







PS Again, that "Momma" has a hard time managing Reilly due to her disability is part of why "Momma" needs a helpmate and a "Daddy" for Reilly—and if he is who she thinks that he is, he has to contact her, since she doesn't quite know what he wants.

Monday, November 21, 2016

#MondayMotivation, #MaltipooMonday, And a Confession From "Momma"

Update per the confession below (1:35 PM EST): Since "Momma" wants to clarify and give no wrong impressions, the person who "Momma" thinks might be Reilly's eventual "Daddy" is someone whom is from one of "Momma"'s ancestral states and whom she has known for some time, and may have made a donation to St. Jude's in her honor.
﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍


While "Momma" is still looking for a full-time job—which reminds her that she needs to finish a project related to job seeking, by the way—she petsits her furniece and watches her "dogter"—both of whom give her two reasons to live and sometimes laugh, not to mention motivations for Mondays and the hashtag "#MaltipooMonday".

She also checks to see if a certain someone, whom she thinks is Reilly's eventual "Daddy", checks her blog (Feedjit and Clustrmaps, e.g., are useful apps 🙂.). Many a nights, that has kept her up—to Reilly's detriment—and unable to get to sleep right away—there's even a loneliness that pets can't fulfill for their owners, let alone that Reilly for "Momma". Especially as life closes in on both her and ever-patient Reilly, she often sighs out of heartbreak.

By the way, Reilly was oddly very playful at dawn as "Momma" woke up for a little while—she gave some kisses and nibbled "Momma"'s hand, and she enjoyed some belly rubs as well as ran around playfully (Eventually, "Momma" had to say that she and Reilly needed to go back to sleep for a while.). Maybe empathetic Reilly sensed some of the pain that Momma's enduring, even during this Thanksgiving month.

Also, by the way, Reilly did lick Momma's ring when she did show her it and asked her if she remembered it when she showed it to her last night—as "Momma" forgot for a moment (The exhaustion and, e.g., ADD get to "Momma".).


Sunday, November 20, 2016

Somewhat Offbeat: A Lonely "Momma" In A Crowded Room—And Even Putting Reilly Through Something Like 2014 Again?

"Momma" has realized for a while that her mental-illness flareups due to worrying about herself and Reilly have put Reilly through something like 2014 again. As "Momma" wrote a while back:

Despite her OCD, etc., Reilly is honestly among the reasons that she's still alive. She missed much of her first year for several reasons, among them being—if not with most of them stemming from—that she'd oversleep due to a Depression flareup after—to make a long story short—a relative's ex-boyfriend's sister used even LinkedIn to cyberstalk her in order to intimidate she after she had confronted the ex boyfriend about something. At least, meanwhile, Reilly got some naps when "Auntie Michelle" would bring Reilly upstairs to her room and there while she overslept—and puppies need up to 20 hours of sleep per day.
With "Momma" often staying up later than she should and being more sleepless compared to many others, she has exhausted both herself and Reilly. Even worse is when she's been lonely even with Reilly—her "dogter"—around, and even when Camille—her furniece—is around as well—let alone when she's been in a crowded room or at least enough of a crowd, with or without Reilly.

Being lonely is pretty easy for "Momma" when she isn't trusted about Reilly, anyway, let alone when she doesn't have someone whom'd understand that "Momma" is trying her best to be a good "Momma" to Reilly—not to mention that she thinks that she knows who her helpmate and Reilly's "Daddy" could be down the road and he seems to be sending her incredibly-mixed signals if he is who she thinks that he is—either way, "Momma" wishes for both her sake and Reilly's sake that:


  1. She knew who Reilly's future "Daddy" is.
  2. That the person who's sending her mixed signals would just tell her, especially for Reilly's sake

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Somewhat Offbeat: Poor Reilly Is Exhausted Because Of "Momma" Dealing With A Difficult Time, Etc.

As "Momma" continues to deal with life closing in on her and Reilly, Reilly is being affected again—poor baby! Contrary to what "Mom-Mom" alleges, the case isn't that "Momma" doesn't care about Reilly—the case is actually that she does care about Reilly and wants a "Daddy" for Reilly and a helpmate for Reilly.

As she has written:
"Then have people wonder why you sit up alone at night thinking about both your future and poor Ri's future, despite that you should be taking Reilly back upstairs and going "night nights"—and you're amazed that even reading at night doesn't always help you fall asleep or sleep well enough, and you also know that Reilly's patiently waiting for you to finish reading before turning the reading light off affects her to be a little more sleepy during the day."

She was able to figure out that exhaustion is affecting Reilly and was affecting her to, as Mom-Mom stated in regards to how Reilly was affected to, have "been acting funny this morning." Mom-Mom, of course, lectured her when she figured why Reilly was "acting funny"—which had nothing to do with the uncooked quinoa noodle that she ate and refused to drop yesterday.

Meanwhile, part of why "Momma" is exhausted, etc. is because she feels that someone who could be Reilly's future "Daddy" may be—so to speak—sending her funny signals right now, and she just wants to know what he's thinkingis he going to be Reilly's "Daddy" in the future, and does he even want to be Reilly's "Daddy" and "Momma"'s helpmate?

"Momma" and Reilly are also not getting any younger—in fact, Thanksgiving falls right in between when "Momma" will be 26 ⅚ years old and Reilly 2⅔ years old—not to mention that "Momma" doesn't want to end up with the kind of disappointment and heartbreak that Gwen Ifill (of blessed memory) had:

"Ifill never married not had any children. When asked about in 2008, she still seemed hopeful. 'I don't know why I'm not married,' she told TIME. 'I just know I will be, so I don't sweat it.'" 
"Sadly she never got the chance to fulfill that wish. She died on Monday - just two days before she was scheduled to receive a prestigious award, the John Chancellor Award, at a Columbia University ceremony, reports."

She also feels like a female equivalent of Nick Carraway, whom F. Scott Fitzgerald made to have his full birthday in September (with no connection to Reilly's half birthday, of course):

"After a moment Tom got up and began wrapping the unopened bottle of whiskey in the towel.
'Want any of this stuff? Jordan? . . . Nick?
"I didn’t answer.
“'Nick?' He asked again.
“'What?
“'Want any?”
“'No . . . I just remembered that to-day’s my birthday.'
"I was thirty. Before me stretched the portentous, menacing road of a new decade...
"Thirty — the promise of a decade of loneliness, a thinning list of single men to know, a thinning brief-case of enthusiasm, thinning hair." 

Amazingly, "Momma" hasn't died of exhaustion and loneliness yet—and even more amazingly (and miraculously), Reilly hasn't died due to her "Momma"-affected exhaustionmaybe there's hope for "Momma" and Reilly

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

"Momma" Worries For Reilly & Herself As Life Continues To Close In On Her And, Thus, Reilly

In an article that "Momma" read recently, the article's author quoted Dr. Brené Brown: 

"Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow—that’s vulnerability."
Puppiesincluding adult puppies—are truly as loyal as any creature can be. Meanwhile, especially when humans get in the way of that loyalty can be incredibly frustrating—especially when the humans who get in the way do so because they take advantage of a more-vulnerable human—as "Momma" is typing this, for example, "Auntie Michelle" is deliberately holding off from bringing Reilly downstairs to take Reilly potty

"Auntie Michelle" darned well knows that she wouldn't take advantage if "Momma" did not have Cerebral Palsy, because she couldn't take advantage(!)—unless "Momma" had another physical disability (whether a visible one or an invisible one, and whether another neurophysical one or a non-neurophysical one) and provided that "Momma"'s mental illnesses weren't debilitatingly flaring up, "Momma" could safely take Reilly out at night. 

"Momma" has also told "Auntie Michelle" and "Mom-Mom" this—i.e., that they couldn't take advantage of "Momma" re Reilly if she didn't have a physical disability—several times—and they know deep in their hearts that they do it even if and when they do it subconsciously.

That's part of why "Momma" blogs so much about Reilly needing a "Daddy" and "Momma" needing a helpmate. By the way, speaking of a "Daddy" for Reilly and a helpmate for "Momma", "Momma" recently wrote:


"While "Momma" has some ideas about whom Reisy's "Daddy" might be (or at least whom she hopes that he might be), she's not sure that she's currently—and she's more sure that she's currently notin a position to share her specific thoughts about that with anyone but God, Reisy (even though Reisy is a canine—specifically, an adult puppy known as a "dog"as opposed to a human), and a few other people. If anything, the case seems to be that whoever Reisy's "Daddy" is might have to tell "Momma"—especially if he's among those whom "Momma" thinks strongly might be Reisy's "Daddy"."

That's part of why "Momma" requoted Dr. Brown—and whether she has to look or has already found him, she still has to wait either way. 😒


Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Somewhat Offbeat: "Momma" Told You That Reilly's Not Well Behaved Enough To Be A Service Dog

Since an service dog would be required to be well behaved and younger than two years old, Reilly lacks the behaving nature and youth that a service dog must have. Even again using a pair of "Momma"'s underwear (yes; underwear!) as a tug-of-war and chewing today—notwithstanding that it was clean—and trying to eat a desiccant bead—albe that it was harmless, and she dropped it when she was told to drop it—automatically disqualifies Reilly from being even close to trainable for service-dog work.

If only Reilly had a more-able-to-be-authorative-than-"Momma" "Daddy", meanwhile! As "Momma" has stated, may God count loneliness for over three years—not to mention almost eight years after her first abysmal relationship ended—as enough of a fast and provide a Yom Kippur miracle to break "Momma"'s fast of lonelinessnot to mention that Reilly turns two years and seven old in two weeks in terms of both Gregorian reckoning and Hebrew reckoning, since she was actually born on Second Adar 23 or 24, 5773! Besides, getting blamed for Reilly's disobedience when she was specifically told to go inside after eating "nasties" is not fun—after all, "Momma" had no chair to use as a porch railing and could not hold the leashes of Reilly and Camille—and even "Mom-Mom", whom was home yesterday due to Columbus Day, had a hard time getting going-back-into-the-backyard Reilly to come inside the house.

Incidentally, "Momma" remains jobless and unable to provide for Reilly as much as she'd like to provide for Reilly on her part—and despite that she uses LinkedIn appropriately—and she will be pleased with Reilly if Reilly's gifts of writing fodder to "Momma" lands or helps land "Momma" a job. 

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Very-Patient Reilly & A Difficult Time For Her

Reilly is often very patient with "Momma", and Reilly is dealing relatively well enough with the difficult timesincluding "Momma"'s preparations for Yom Kippur and dealing with loneliness—that are going on at home—and Reilly's incredible patience, even when "Momma" gets mad at Reilly for bad behaviors such as barking vociferously or frustratedly biting "Auntie Michelle", amazes "Momma". Especially as "Momma" has gone through heartbreaks such as losing touch with the main person whom inspired her to write about Reilly, Reilly has been "Momma"'s biggest fan—or at least her biggest canine fanwhile "Momma" can't always be her biggest fan.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Offbeat: Still Waiting On Reilly's "Daddy" & An Awful Post On People With Disabilities

Firstly, about the post: according to a now-ex Facebook friend, "people with mental/neurological disabilities"—including, by her logic, herself—should never marry or have children—since they can't handle being spouses and parents, and will only put their children into dysfunction and poverty. Also according to her, Reilly's human grandparents shouldn't have had children. Meanwhile, the hypocrite herself recently married and refused to respond when Reilly's "Momma" pointed out that the now-ex friend was basically saying that God shouldn't have created people with disabilities—"Momma" also, pointed out, for example and without saying in the exact words what she pointed out, that the hypocrite wants to deny others with disabilities the opportunity to marry.

As if "Momma" isn't in enough pain, didn't hope for a miracle on Yom Teru'ah and National Boyfriend Day, and isn't even trying to be a good "Momma" to Reilly! As if "Momma" doesn't think about herself and "Reilly" getting older while "Momma" either needs Reilly's "Daddy" to come into her life soon or might have to end up remaining an alteh moid and being another stereotypical and forced-by-life case of the ableist argument that people with disabilities don't get married because society doesn't love them!


"Through this twilight universe Daisy began to move again with the season; suddenly she was again keeping half a dozen dates a day with half a dozen men, and drowsing asleep at dawn with the beads and chiffon of an evening dress tangled among dying orchids on the floor beside her bed. And all the time something within her was crying for a decision. She wanted her life shaped now, immediately — and the decision must be made by some force — of love, of money, of unquestionable practicality — that was close at hand.
"That force took shape in the middle of spring with the arrival of Tom Buchanan. There was a wholesome bulkiness about his person and his position, and Daisy was flattered. Doubtless there was a certain struggle and a certain relief. The letter reached Gatsby while he was still at Oxford"

If "Momma" has to settle like Daisy Buchanahn did, she will—at least she'd be able to expect that she'd be ablestically cheated on if she did get cheated on, as opposed to have to say "I should've have expected to be cheated on" if she ends up getting cheated on by a guy whom she thought might actually stay with her.

Incidentally, "Momma" did once send tthe main person whom inspired her to write about Reilly a writing-practice piece in which she quoted The Great Gatsby —and she is more than ever reminded about that green light on the dock as she waits for whomever Reilly's "Daddy" might be, whether or not he shares a name with the subject of a song that reminds "Momma" about waiting on God to send Reilly's "Daddy":

"There's a "Great Gatsby" meme that's going around the Internet, and it's—at least I assume that it's—particularly made inroads in the Facebook world—after all, the Facebook world is its subject. The "Gatsby" meme reads something like, "When you see your crush online, you know how Gatsby felt when he stared at the green light at the end of the dock." The reference is, of course, how a crush's name with "Web O" by it is reminiscent of the following: "'You always have a green light that burns all night at the end of your dock.'""
Unlike Gatsby, though, "Momma" won't have the memory of her green light fade and have the green light become just another object.







Monday, February 15, 2016

Belated Valentine's/Singles Awareness Day Entry (Which I Needed To Write)

A two-time (not "two-timing"!) ex girlfriend, with each ex having had the police called on him for harassment, I had a single-again woman's Valentine's Day that could not have been lonelier for me; and being a two-time-single-again woman wasn't the only reason. Other reasons concern being a 26-year-old woman and waiting-for-marriage virgin whom has Cerebral Palsy, mental illnesses, no job, and two failed relationships on which she tried to workand one was from August 4, 2004 to about May 19, 2005, and the other was for six days in 2013. 

Meanwhile, I thought about, saw, and heard how many of my loved ones and friendsincluding able, neurotypical, and employed oneshad a happy Valentine's Day or Singles Awareness Day, all while I'm a single-again pariah and wondering why I can't have a Cinderella-type story while more-fortunate ones have their happinessestalk about one having his or her
cake and also eating it!

Some other loved ones and friends, at the same time, had their own Cinderella- or Frog Prince-type stories, all while I fared worse than even Gatsbywhom at least had guests at parties, requited (even though illicitly-requited) love for a while, and even five people at his funeral. Even a fictional character fared better than me, and he could've had his lover had she had the courage to leave her long-time-philandering husband for a man whom loved her!

All I have to show is two broken relationships, unrequited and unrequitable loves over the years (including within the past few years), zero offers to set me up with someone, and failed, fruitless, and little- and non-supported attempts to find someone and/or have someone cross my path. Happy Valentine's and Singles Awareness Day to me, indeed :-/ —or in all seriousness, to those whom had and have what kind of happinesses I could not have this year or for the other past 10 years.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

When (I Feel Like) I've No Reason To Go To Bed At Night (And I'm Sure That Others Can Relate)

I think that these few verses really sum up for me why (I often feel like) I've no reason to go to bed at night—not to mention that I am Jewish, and I'm experiencing part of Moshe's prophecies through no fault of my own (I was not yet born, though I was in the desert those millennia ago.):


"65 And among these nations shalt thou have no repose, and there shall be no rest for the sole of thy foot; but the LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and languishing of soul. 66 And thy life shall hang in doubt before thee; and thou shalt fear night and day, and shalt have no assurance of thy life.67 In the morning thou shalt say: 'Would it were even!' and at even thou shalt say: 'Would it were morning!' for the fear of thy heart which thou shalt fear, and for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see."
Jews do indeed have higher rates of Depression and other mental illnesses. All the harder is when I am alone in general, anyway—

"9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him that is alone when he falleth, and hath not another to lift him up. 11 Again, if two lie together, then they have warmth; but how can one be warm alone? 12And if a man prevail against him that is alone, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." 
Consider, too, that I have a physical disability as well (not to mention that I have OCD/Anxiety, ADD, and IBS):

"The poor is hated even of his own neighbour; but the rich hath many friends."
"Wealth addeth many friends; but as for the poor, his friend separateth himself from him."5 A false witness shall not be unpunished; and he that breatheth forth lies shall not escape."6 Many will entreat the favour of the liberal man; and every man is a friend to him that giveth gifts.
"7 All the brethren of the poor do hate him; how much more do his friends go far from him! He that pursueth words, they turn against him."

How many other people with disabilities—physical, mental (including mental illnesses), and other disabilities alike—can relate, I'm sure!

"And when ye offer the blind for sacrifice, is it no evil! And when ye offer the lame and sick, is it no evil! Present it now unto thy governor; will he be pleased with thee? or will he accept thy person? saith the LORD of hosts."

How people with disabilities and illnesses are used (including mocked), especially in the name of God! Then people wonder why I and others say "Were it morning!" in the evening and "Were it evening!" in the morning.

I'm sure, too, that, that was the experience of Great-Granddad Czarnecki 51 years ago today, after he'd had a rough life (regardless of that he caused much of it in his adult years) and lost his leg in a lawn-mowing accident on top of all that he endured—and he had Depression! (Great-Granduncle Bernie, BTW, had Schizophrenia; and Great-Great-Grandma likely had Schizoaffective Disorder).
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Saturday, September 5, 2015

A Reminder That A Cousin's Cousin Inspired Me To Give

I normally don't do this; so, bear with me:
To all of my Facebook friends and others, I'm asking you to think about this (as a friend of mine reminded me and others) for a second:
  1. Among the strongest of people are those whom are also among the most sensitive of people—or at least the ones whom are willing to admit that they are sensitive and are willing to not desensitize themselves.
  2. Many who at least try to be kind are also among the ones whom are usually the first ones to be treated unkindly. The reason for that is that unkind people like to take advantage of kind people and see how strong they really are—to them, sensitivity is weakness and/or a witness against them of their own weaknesses; and sensitivity, of course, includes putting the words "I want to talk about it [whatever 'it' is]"* into action.
  3. Many who at least try to bear others' burdens are trying to do what someone refused to do for them—and frankly, they're hoping that someone will finally bear their burdens in turn (or at least that God will reward them for helping others)**.

If you find this reminder worth sharing, share it. If you don't find this reminder worth sharing, then decline to share it and leave it at that. Also, feel free to take this reminder and—for a lack of better wordage—modify it to put it in your own words, give your own examples that pertain to this reminder (See the asterisks.), and ultimately have it come from your heart.
Remember, too, that we're all imperfect; and many of us at least sometimes hurt others in the ways in which we ourselves were hurt, whether we realize or don't realize that we do—and I certainly grant that many others (for example, the aforementioned unkind people) do often, or even always, deliberately hurt others
* RIP Mary Trudnak Czarnecki (Those were her words to my aunt when she finally broke down. "No, no; it's okay—I want to talk about it."
(I wish that I knew and understood that that's why I knew such a vulnerable Great-Grandma Czarnecki when she was still alive—she was trying to be strong and hold her own for at least 73 years, 16 of them in which I was alive—she married Great-Granddad when she was 20-going-on-21 years old in 1934, and she died when she was 93-going-on-94 years. I was born in 1990 when she was 76-going-on-78 years old.).
** RIP Mary DeBoy Pundt (I only heard about her and never had the chance to meet her.).

Monday, June 1, 2015

Short Story: Ditched

Author's note: I wrote this based on quite a few things, including how I just felt when I thought that I was the only person who was downstairs and, thus, unable to get Reilly up to my room for the night.


That was it...there it was...undeniably in front of her...facing her as much as she was facing—or at least having to face—it: the fact that she was ditched—abandoned—and now entirely alone—and helpless.

"...if you were the last person on Earth"—well, she was (or at least she felt like) the last person on Earth. The ridiculousness of that phrase finally revealed itself to her. 

"Nobody would help you if you were the last person on Earth because nobody else would be on Earth!" she thought to herself. "Shouldn't the phrase be '...the only other person on Earth', then?" Then again, her case fit the "last person on Earth" type of situation—she couldn't help herself now, and she couldn't help herself if she were the last person on Earth. 

"Then why should I even be on Earth?" she thought. Then again, she couldn't take her own life if she couldn't help herself for her own life; could she? Nonetheless, she was alone—she didn't even have any angels watching over her (let alone the Angel of the LORD tending to her —Elijah had Him to encourage him to at least eat and drink). 

If anything did  happen to her —G-d forbid —she'd at least write this epitaph down as part of her last will and testament for anyone whom would show up and find her. "At least throw me in a ditch if you must ditch me in my death as many ditched me in my life."

As she wrote her epitaph down, she realized that her sardonic humor was keeping her alive. "'Misery loves company'", she mused, "and 'two are better than one.'"

Monday, January 12, 2015

Depression, Dying In the Diaspora, and Likely Being An Alteh Moid (And Other Matters)

First with the schtick about dying in the Diaspora: well, an ex friend just died at 4:00 AM today. As I told my sister, "I keep telling you about dying in the Diaspora; you won't believe me" or something like that. To watch Yirimiyahu 8:1-7 continuously come true disturbs me. The ex friend was only in his 20s and had cancer, by the way.

Also, what about the four men murdered in Friday's terror attacks as well as Georges Wolinski murdered on Wednesday? Surely, some have to be looking at this and saying, "It is true: 'And death shall be chosen rather than life by all the residue that remain of this evil family, that remain in all the places whither I have driven them, saith יהוה צבאות.' Indeed, 'the stork in the heaven knoweth her appointed times; and the turtle and the swallow and the crane observe the time of their coming; but My people know not the ordinance of יהוה.'

"'And thou shalt become an astonishment, a proverb, and a byword, among all the peoples whither יהוה shall lead thee away.'" That's not supposed to exacerbate the MDD with which I suffer?!

Also, I can't get out of the Diaspora myself. Why? Besides what I wrote yesterday (See "To watch...true" above.), that I'm not married is a factor (and a painful one!)! Did that get into a debate as well, by the way!

Given the following, I may pretty much be doomed either way:

  1. Each but for two of my maternal grandparents' post-natal children (including my late aunt Mary Carole) have been divorced and remarried at least once.
  2. All of my paternal grandparents' post natal children have each been divorced once.
  3. My parents are divorced (no duh!).
  4. I have C.P., OCD/ADD, MDD, ADD, and IBS.
  5. I'm 24 years old and going on to be 25 years old.
There are other factors as well. Being an undesirable, a divorce statistic, and still single at 24 years old, I'm likely to die an alteh moid. Comforting? No! Exacerbating my MDD? Yes! Having nobody to at least get me out of the Diaspora? Even more exacerbating my MDD!



PS As I was trying to write this whole blog entry, I had to stop for multiple long periods because I couldn't get a moment of quiet. Also, I was pretty much, e.g., shot down on explaining why Francois Hollande called Netanyahu's bluff. To live in a house in which I can't share much without being interrupted, shot down, etc. is all the rougher.