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Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts

Friday, December 30, 2016

More Easily Suitored Than Sought & Loved

Many guys—even good guys—claim that they wouldn't care if a prospect had disabilities, and then push comes to shove. Having Cerebral Palsy and mental illnesses, I can tell you exactly what I am—or at least potentially am—regardless of whether a guy could or could not handle it:


  1. A medical expense—e.g., I take three medications for OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and ADD. 
  2. A burden—e.g., What kind of guy wants to be bound by a woman whom can't drive?
  3. An embarrassment—e.g., What kind of guy wants to have to drive a woman to Baclofen Pump refill appointments; and what kind of guy wants to lose friends because of being a woman with Cerebral Palsy and mental illnesses?
I'm crying as I'm typing all of this, too, as I know the pain of being a woman with disabilities and a damned statistic unless some miracle saves me—e.g.:



Sunday, July 3, 2016

More About Deeply-Thought-Of Considerations: Why I've Become A Skeptic About Finding Someone (e.g., More Of Part Of the Ugly Part)

Since I have, e.g., Cerebral Palsy and Depression, I might be a burden and medical expense in of myself to many a guy, which is part of what I've considered: I know that many a guy would not end up staying with someone like me in the long term—besides, I need someone whom's physically and mentally stronger than me, and would be willing to be strong enough for me.

I've seriously become a skeptic about finding someone because of that—that is, because I have C.P., Depression, etc.. On one dating website, I had to block one person because of his ableism, etc.. Another, I'm pretty sure, rejected me because of my disability:

"Thank you for the kind message, but unfortunately I'm looking for a different type of girl." 


Yeah; "[d]ifferent type of girl" my tuchus—he could've just been honest instead of backhandedly polite. I also think that prospects have gone down since I posted a picture with me with my cart (What did they want me to do: lie?!). 

As I stated, I've seriously become a skeptic about finding someone because of that—not to mention the rampant ableism in our society, anyway; such as regarding the awful case of the ableist (and perhaps Anti-Semitic) TSA agent whom battered a girl named Hannah Cohen.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Deeply-Thought-Of Considerations That I've Made In Light Of Wanting Love While Getting Older And More Vulnerable Everyday

Part of why these past couple of months have been rough for me is because I'm 26 and continuing to be in a bad position simply because of being among the many people whom have disabilities, not to mention being a person with disabilities in other minority groups—the Jewish people and the female gender, for example. Incidentally, this is why I signed up for Maplematch: I prefer to have someone whom would consider moving to Canada (from which I could perhaps make aliyah) or making aliyah with me (despite Netanyahu and Agudat Yisra'el) if Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton becomes the POTUS.

I also did and have done way more than just sign up for MapleMatch. For example:


  1. I once dabbled in online dating on, e.g., DateMySchool because I got a random invitation to that website. Needlessly to say, it didn't work out.
  2. I've even used at PlentyofFish at the recommendation of a friend whom met her own bashert on there, for example. I know what I want in and with someone, and why I want what I want. I've also made sure to warn others why they might not want me, even if they would claim otherwise—and if you're a potential prospect whom's reading this, you might be among those whom might not want me despite what you might claim. Of course, that's part of what hurts me repeatedly; though it is what it is.


That's why I'd let any prospect know—or be reminded of—and be aware of  whom he'd be getting involved if I were a prospect of his. After all:

  1. I have Cerebral Palsy—which is why I can't drive and am still looking for full-time work, for which I'm using volunteering as a stepping stone in part
  2. I have mental illnesses: OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and ADD—all of which I am getting treated with medication and counseling
  3. I want to thus spare him from having to deal with that, including having to help me with any medical and other expenses—e.g., I have an Intravenous Bacloften  Pump and, as I stated, I can't drive.
  4. I want to also spare myself from being hurt by anyone whom cannot handle that
In other words, I don't want to be any kind of liability or burden to any man, let alone be hurt in the process of being a liability or burden to any man—I'm already a liability and/or burden in non-romantic relationships as is, despite that others claim that I'm not at all a liability or burden. Thus, any prospect of mine'd need consider if he'd be able to deal with me in the long term and not just in a moment or just the short term. I also hasten to add that—besides that I can't drive—I can't swim or participate in risky activities such as rock and mountain climbing, motorcycling, messing with pyrotechnics such as fireworks, and ice skating—besides, one of my mother's second cousins died in a motorcycle accident, and I've heard and read the horror stories about amateur fireworks users losing their limbs and/or lives.

Also, I can't just snap up and out of anything, and be healed of everything with which I'm dealing—life doesn't work like "name it, claim it" faith healing—I'd've been healed by now if God willed to heal me, and He didn't will to heal me:


  1. I'm 26; I got the ITB Pump when I was 23.
  2. My mental illnesses set off in the timespan of 2001-2013, from when was 11 to 23.
Getting worse overtime's not what I call healing, let alone healing overtime. I can only, then, guess why His strength is made perfect in my weakness, as His strength was made perfect in Paul's weakness*.

Besides, I've been hurt enough in my lifetime; and I want to just find someone and/or have someone find me at this point, and I just want the one whom God wills to somehow come into my life:


  1. 26 is quite old for someone like me to have never been married, and 26 is older for people like me than it is for most, given how ableist society is.
  2. Since I've never been married and I'm still—if you know what I mean—waiting for marriage, I'm really getting old and—at least in the eyes of many, if not most, in this ableist society—losing time and viability. 
  3. I prefer to in a same-faith relationship, as interfaith dating backfired on me twice despite that each of my two exes claimed to be a Christian at a point in the beginning of the relationship.
  4. While I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect or going to turn down anyone just because of a few bad choices and/or mistakes, I also prefer to avoid being used by or dealing with any man whom lives by being a player and/or other type of backstabber, an ableist and/or other type of bigot, and/or otherwise a man of bad character—each of my two exes was enough of that.

*Incidentally, perhaps I will be healed if I am able to make aliyah—Jesus did all of His known healing in Israel, and Jewish Christians were the ones whom healed others, both Jewish and gentile, as the Gospel was spread throughout the Roman Empire. Even, for example, Ananias healed fellow Jewish man Paul.