Does Reilly Have Canine OCD? "Mom-Mom" and "Auntie Michelle" Think So.

"Momma" can understand why. Besides, she might have set off Reilly's OCD if Reilly does have OCD (and she has caused other heartbreaks for Reilly as she's felt heartbroken lately)! What they note:

1. How she obsessively licks Cam's bowl after "num nums" time (which "Momma" thinks could be a dominance show) as well as her own bowl (She can taste things that humans can't, though.).
2. How she constantly cleans her paws.
3. Other symptoms, such as itching and scratching constantly (Reilly tends to get dry skin, though.)

"Momma", meanwhile, wonders if Reilly has Canine ADD, since—for example—she gets easily distracted by other puppies, neighbors, and other animals and people when "Momma" takes her to "go potty"—and Reilly often has to go inside after quite a while and wait until later to try to "go potty" again because she can't find a "potty spot"! 

As a Dog Owner, Reilly's "Momma" Has One Advantage Of Having OCD/Anxiety

As "Momma" previously wrote, she at least has the advantage of protecting Reilly from certainly fatality (Yehovah willing, anyway)—not to mention that my having Depression also provided Reilly an advantage in her first year:

"Despite my OCD, etc., Reilly is honestly among the reasons that I'm still alive. I missed much of her first year for several reasons, among them being—if not with most of them stemming from—that I'd oversleep due to a Depression flareup...At least, meanwhile, Reilly got some naps when Michelle would bring Reilly upstairs to my room and there while I overslept—and puppies need up to 20 hours of sleep per day.

"Sometimes, though, as much as I love Reilly (and oftentimes, if not always, because I love my "dogter"), she and/or matters concerning her can affect mental-illness flareups—such as the incident in which I meticulously looked for a chocolate which I probably drop [sic.] with even a flashlight just in case I dropped it."

Of course, though, "Momma" still wonders what she'll do if she can't catch Reilly if Reilly eats a fatal or close-to-fatal "nasty" such as chocolate, an excess amount of mulch, and raisins—and she already has a hard time keeping Reilly away from the open and often-has-dripped-down-"nasties" dishwasher that Reilly licks or tries to lick. 

Pictures & A Video Of Ri & Cam For A Family Reunion, And Mental Health & Dogs

Not normally being tolerant of photos and videos, Reilly cooperated to give her "Momma" a picture and a video to show some human family. 

Cam of course cooperated for "Auntie Nicole".

Reilly also cooperated for the video, and here's a part of it:

Meanwhile, as with Pato and Ginger on "America's Got Talent", "Momma" has been helped with Reilly (and like Pato, she has OCD—with comorbid conditions—that drains and/or, so to speak, brainburns her to the point of not being able to brush her teeth or do much else). Despite her OCD, etc., Reilly is honestly among the reasons that she's still alive. She missed much of her first year for several reasons, among them being—if not with most of them stemming from—that she'd oversleep due to a Depression flareup after—to make a long story short—a relative's ex-boyfriend's sister used even LinkedIn to cyberstalk her in order to intimidate she after she had confronted the ex boyfriend about something. At least, meanwhile, Reilly got some naps when "Auntie Michelle" would bring Reilly upstairs to her room and there while she overslept—and puppies need up to 20 hours of sleep per day.

Sometimes, though, as much as she loves Reilly (and oftentimes, if not always, because she loves her "dogter"), she and/or matters concerning her can affect mental-illness flareups—such as the incident in which she meticulously looked for a chocolate which she probably dropped with even a flashlight just in case she dropped it, not to mention times when she dreads that something will happen to her because of something that she's doing (e.g., typing that she dreads about something happening to her, and then it might happen because she typed it—and even, God forbid, what if she's typing because she'd want something to happen to her?):

"People with OCD often think that their rituals will keep them—and the people they love—from getting hurt. They think, "If I do [or don't do] X, then Y will [or won't] happen." Everybody makes little bargains like this sometimes. Have you ever prayed for something to go your way? Did you offer to be extra good if you got what you wanted? People with OCD think this way all the time. They are sure that their rituals work like magic. Of course, that's not the case." (via iEmily, "Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Over and Over and Over Again")

Depression, Dying In the Diaspora, and Likely Being An Alteh Moid (And Other Matters)

First with the schtick about dying in the Diaspora: well, an ex friend just died at 4:00 AM today. As I told my sister, "I keep telling you about dying in the Diaspora; you won't believe me" or something like that. To watch Yirimiyahu 8:1-7 continuously come true disturbs me. The ex friend was only in his 20s and had cancer, by the way.

Also, what about the four men murdered in Friday's terror attacks as well as Georges Wolinski murdered on Wednesday? Surely, some have to be looking at this and saying, "It is true: 'And death shall be chosen rather than life by all the residue that remain of this evil family, that remain in all the places whither I have driven them, saith יהוה צבאות.' Indeed, 'the stork in the heaven knoweth her appointed times; and the turtle and the swallow and the crane observe the time of their coming; but My people know not the ordinance of יהוה.'

"'And thou shalt become an astonishment, a proverb, and a byword, among all the peoples whither יהוה shall lead thee away.'" That's not supposed to exacerbate the MDD with which I suffer?!

Also, I can't get out of the Diaspora myself. Why? Besides what I wrote yesterday (See "To watch...true" above.), that I'm not married is a factor (and a painful one!)! Did that get into a debate as well, by the way!

Given the following, I may pretty much be doomed either way:

1. Each but for two of my maternal grandparents' post-natal children (including my late aunt Mary Carole) have been divorced and remarried at least once.
2. All of my paternal grandparents' post natal children have each been divorced once.
3. My parents are divorced (no duh!).
4. I have C.P., OCD/ADD, MDD, ADD, and IBS.
5. I'm 24 years old and going on to be 25 years old.

There are other factors as well. Being an undesirable, a divorce statistic, and still single at 24 years old, I'm likely to die an alteh moid. Comforting? No! Exacerbating my MDD? Yes! Having nobody to at least get me out of the Diaspora? Even more exacerbating my MDD!

PS As I was trying to write this whole blog entry, I had to stop for multiple long periods because I couldn't get a moment of quiet. Also, I was pretty much, e.g., shot down on explaining why Francois Hollande called Netanyahu's bluff. To live in a house in which I can't share much without being interrupted, shot down, etc. is all the rougher.

Are You Mentally or Neurologically Abnormal Like I Am?

Public OpinionPoll Results

The conversation needs to continue to be had, and I hope to contribute to it.

I Lied When I Said That "It's [only] the Depression again."...

For example, when dogs and cats (like Moki, Mishka, Laika, Skeen, Winston, Cassy, etc.) are more famous than me, that's not only depressing; that's also (or so the situation seems that) G-d seems to be rubbing in my face that dogs and cats are more famous and loved than me. Then there's that (and I've blogged about all this before; but there's still that) sense of loneliness, injustice, etc.. I know that others are going through worse (which is another way of G-d rubbing my pain in my face-- "You know, there are people going through worse than you.")-- but my pain is not mitigated or taken away from.

I know why I'm lonely-- I'm an OCD/Anxiety-, Depression-, Cerebral Palsy-diagnosed, also ADD and IBS-afflicted, Anusi-born Messianic Jew with divorced parents and (with few exceptions) a Hell of a meshuga family and family history on both sides-- and I've already given you the megillah of my dad's family history (with yet more for me to find out and give, I'm guessing-- and the roadblocks in finding out the family history, including my meshuga family being deliberate roadblocks-- is depressing).

I've also given you a little of my mom's family history with the roadblocks in finding more out about it-- and, for example, try being cursed because your great-great-great-granddad was a Confederate veteran; and I've discussed how inquity visits the third and fourth generations continually, even to the thousandth-- the 250th of fourths of-- generations.

I mean, let's face very clearly that Pop-Pop Farrell's daughters and granddaughters, among others, suffered post-partum depression because "‘The LORD is longsuffering and abundant in mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression; but He by no means clears the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation.’" By the way, if you think that having to know that many in your family suffered terribly under post-partum depression is just another facet of life, you're meshuga-- and you don't understand that one begins to suspect that the post-partum depression was just a manifestation of depression within the family or genepool.

In conclusion, I lied when I said that "It's [only] the Depression again."... es mi pinche vida y mi historia que puede me deprimir.

In Response To C. Polk's Most-Recent Comment

"You set up a series of false dichotomies, love.

"'Also, we all live in a dark and lonely world, unless we're in complete denial about how the world is'

"My world is neither dark nor lonely. The world is what we make of it; your world is dark and lonely by choice."


Haver, amigo, I think that you missed the point completely. Also, I think that you're in denial about how the world is or even subconciously too much trying to be of the world, which is a dark and lonely place.

"This is the reality being denied: Are you doing anything to change the darkness and loneliness, or are you waiting for someone else to change it for you? Who is responsible for making such a change on your behalf?

"'Speaking of a dark and lonely world, what does one do when even fame is the only way that he or she is going to be loved'

"Is fame what you think it is? How many celebrities have to see psychiatrists? Do they really seem happy to you?"

That I have much choice in the matter isn't really the case. Having Diplegic Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety/Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, possible Aspberger's, and unmedicated ADD doesn't give much of a choice; not to mention much of my mishpacha. Also, these celebrities aren't too unhappy being famous or they'd quit willing to be-- and quit being-- famous.

"Demi Moore had a breakdown and had to be institutionalized. Where was her fame and wealth to keep her happy?

"When Whitney Houston was laying in the hot tub sinking down in a medicated stupor, or all the mornings she poured milk over her crack cocaine and ate it for breakfast, where was the love?

"This is the reality being denied: The Devil makes worldly offers every bit as good as God. It is up to us to determine a blessing from God and a trick of Satan. Do you know how to tell one from another? Love. Togetherness."


Kings David and Solomon were famous. So were the prophets (even if infamous in their lifetime). Fame isn't necessarily evil. Also, Whitney Houston and Demi Moore had all the support in the world-- at least Whitney at the end of her life (She even had flags at hald mast for her.), and Demi Moore at her low points.

"If you want fame, then you must become a whore to the media and give people what they want to hear, be a spokesman for diviseveness and make people feel superior about themselves for embracing your side of an issue. If you want love, you must find ways to bring people together in such a way that they recognize each other as equals. When it comes to fame and love, having one doe not mean you have the other. Lots of people are famous without being loved."


Plenty of famous people aren't media whores.

"Either way, if you seek unobtainable goals and then judge yourself by your inability to reach those goals, you are living in denial of the beauty that is within reach."


As I said, not much is reach for me because of the OCD/Anxiety, etc.

When There Are Issues Outside of Medication's Reach...

What am I going to do; pop in an Abilify or Sertraline (Zoloft) pill? What if I've already taken my medication, anyway; or what if 24 hours (or at least another interval of enough time) has passed before I retake my medication? There are issues that the medication can't touch. For example, the medication can't touch every OCD/Anxiety and Depression moment-- think about how many pills and dosages I'd have to take if medication could touch every moment! Also, the medication can't touch that I am lonely because of the OCD/Anxiety and Depression, Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, ADD (for which I don't even need medication), possible Aspberger's (which my sister swears that I have), and meshuga mishpacha on both sides of my family.

Also, we all live in a dark and lonely world, unless we're in complete denial about how the world is (which many of us even just in the world are) or if we've had all the short-term privileges compared to many in the world (which many even in just the world have also had, even though they are also have the long-term privileges-- so they, so to speak, get their cake and eat it, too.). Speaking of a dark and lonely world, what does one do when even fame is the only way that he or she is going to be loved by even those only in-- not of-- the world (who are those just in-- not of-- the world)? Can the medication touch wanting to be celebrated as drug-addled Whitney Houston (who was loved only because she was famous) or Krystal Keith (who's loved only because she's Toby's daughter and trying to be famous as well)?

I Have To Be Realistic And Prepare Myself For That...

This birthday emotional high is not going to last. The emotional high wasn't fully a high, either. I definitely had OCD/Anxiety flare ups during the night, for example. Also, the people who wished me "Happy Birthday", etc. today-- I have to be realistic, and I either have to hope that they're silent support throughout the rest of the year or accept that many of them are being what they think is on-the-surface polite and even interacting with me (just because they feel obliged to-- in other words, just because they're family, etc.).

I have to also remember that this world is full of other suffering, pain, etc. besides what I will most likely suffer in even the coming day. There are children such as Joshua and Jackson (who are rallied for on Facebook) who are suffering from childhood cancer, pneumonia, and other conditions and diseases. There's the Jewish community back home b'Ha'Eretz under threat every day from Egypt, Iran, even Russia and increasingly-Anti-Semitic Western and Central (along with some number of Eastern) Europe.

I could go on, but you get the point: as my birthday closes out, that there are some hard days ahead for me and others unless the Rapture comes within the next second or minute, or hour or so. 

I Know That People Care, But It's Still A Long Battle...

And anyway, I was finally able to give the "Director" of "Caring" Ministries the rebuke that she deserves:

-----Original Message-----
From: Nickidewbear
To: cdallwig
Sent: Wed, Dec 21, 2011 9:31 am
Subject: Re: Ride to Chapelgate

And you were supposed to call me, but you never did. What happened to your being the Caring Coordinator and reaching out to church members?

...

Nicole, 

I understand that you have been inquiring about getting a ride to Chapelgate?  Please call me to let me know what your need is and we can discuss.....I would appreciate it if you would refrain from posting my name on facebook posts without trying to contact me first.  You have my e-mail and phone number available to you as well as anyone else would......

T hanks. 

Cathy Dallwig

Director of Caring Ministries

Chapelgate Church 

410-442-5800, ext 128

cdallwig@chapelgate.org

*Office Hours, 9-3  Mon - Thurs

=

I don't think that after this, she'll hypocritically leave me off of the "Practical Needs List- CPC", which she did. What a hypocrite she can be! Keep bugging her and tell her with me that I mean that she's supposed to live up to her job title and at least put me on the "Practical Needs List- CPC". Let me give you the example that I mean from this morning:

In a message dated 12/21/2011 12:31:11 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, cdallwig@chapelgate.org writes:

Practical Needs List - CPC CPC Member Announcements at Chapelgate Presbyterian Church Message from: Cathy Dallwig Hi all, Listed below are a couple of needs that I have become aware of in our congregation. Please contact the person with the need directly, if you are able to help. 1.[Censored] is looking for ... 2. [Censored] is recovering from... 3.[Censored] is in immediate need of.... Thank you. Cathy Dallwig Director of Caring Ministries 410-442-5800, ext 128 cdallwig@chapelgate.org

Let me give you a hint: I'm not one of the three people on that list. And pray for all those people, by the way. One did get their needs provided for, by the way. Now also pray that this disabled Jew with a divorced parents and meshuga mishpacha on both sides does, and keep bugging Cathy Dallwig so that she can't kick out this outcast like she'd like to; and you and I both know that she doesn't want to deal with me.

But if I get the need to get a consistent ride to church, I can at least have some of my problems (also including the OCD/Anxiety/Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and ADD) helped to be managed by G-d. And Cathy Dallwig can't say a darn if G-d does provide because saying something against G-d's will would be very stupid.

I'm Not Trying To Get Attention When I Write About Depression and Suicidal Thoughts, and Loneliness In General...

What amazes me is that I think that people think that I am fucking kidding or trying to get attention when I say that I'm tempted to commit suicide. I wasn't kidding when I ended up in Sheppard Pratt in April 2006, was I? I wasn't kidding when I tried to attempt suicide in 1998 (when I was eight years old), was I? And when I called the Suicide Hotline tonight, I hung up twice-- I wasn't going to be able to tell them what's going on, at least without crying and bursting into incoherence while crying. I also couldn't tell them because I'm a Christian and they might not be able to understand some of what I'm going through.


Also, my mom calling my psychiatrist isn't going to help a lot-- he's not a Christian and (as I've told him and others) there are issues that the Sertraline and Abilify can't touch. I even got so desperate as to try Match.com to find the one for me-- one of my Hanukkah and Christmas wishes. Not only was Match.com a violation of 1 Corinthians 7, anyway-- since Christians are to follow the mitzvah that states, "Are you loosed from [without] a [spouse]? Do not seek a [spouse]."; but Match.com just wasn't worth what I need in a man, anyway. Remember, I have Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety/Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, mild ADD, and possible Aspberger's. Also, my family has ilks that are (as I will continue to point out that Mia Danilowicz, part of the ilks actually so kindly proves about herself) "fucking psycho" (Todah, Mia; v'l'Hanukkah Tovah Tikatevi.). I need a man who can provide for and deal with all of and every aspect of me (including my medical and family history.).


PS I'm still waiting for that call from Cathy Dallwig about transporting disabled members to Chapelgate. Please kindly email her for me (as Charles Polk already did; and I know that Charles Polk is one out of few who actually care for me), and bug @ChapelgateNews on Twitter for me. I'm unkindly not leaving their church, no matter how much they don't want a disabled Jew with divorced parents and a crazy dad to not worship G-d among them.

Why I Envy Ebenezer Scrooge In A Way

In a way, I must confess, I envy Ebenezer Scrooge. While he's certainly (as far as I know) not Jewish or the 19th-Century equivalent of a compassionate conservative (at least until the end of "A Christmas Carol"), he at least gets to have visions and dreams. And for what? To bring him to teshuvah? Is that I am reminded of and complain like the non-prodigal son any wonder: "‘Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends.  But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.’"? Only by grace am I considered as though I have never sinned; but why does a fictional character like Scrooge get all the luck of having dreams and visions, while the Jew who I am with thorns in the flesh doesn't?

After all, while I know not to talk back to God, isn't that "if [our] fall is riches for the world, and [our] failure riches for the Gentiles, how much more [our] fullness!" as Jews? And why did Joseph get his dreams? He had a fairly-good dad (though Jacob did marry four wives and was named "Ya'akov" for a reason, since he would supplant and deceive; and put Joseph and Benjamin above the rest of his children)? He didn't have any thorms in the flesh. He had brothers who loved him in the end. He had a wife, children, and the second-highest position in Egypt. Me, I have a dad who I consider and even wished dead (for how else will I get the truth about our family history, pictures, etc. unless Dad and Pop-Pop die and are thus out of the way? Also, how will I and others, and Great-Grandma Czarnecki's blood be avenged?). I have Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety, Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and possible Aspberger's.

And I can't even have one dream or vision-- about my family history, about the future, whatever? And as much as my mom's my mom, my night comes down watching a movie with her while Michelle is at a party with her friends and where she might meet the one for her? And I can't even find the one in my life, and I have to instead watch a movie with my mom when I could be watching a movie with the one for me-- 0if and who ever he might be? So much for compensating for my thorns in the flesh; huh, G-d? And as I said, I know not to talk back;  and "I have not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his descendants begging bread." But then why am I begging for at least a dream or vision, or the man for me, or something if I can't get the Rapture? And I know that I am a descendant of evildoers, but I'm also a descendant of some who were righteous. 

And My Mom Still Isn't Helping Look For My Glasses....

But she doesn't mind telling me what a "hellhole", "death trap", "safety hazard", etc. my room is. She also doesn't mind yelling at me "It's TRASH!" when I worry that she hasn't checked a paper or back thereof, or sets of papers or backs thereof for any song lines or ideas, cartoon ideas, or anything else that I've written or even drawn that I might want to keep.

I might also want to keep papers, etc.. I'm really trying to build a personal and documentary-historical type of library for if and when I do become famous-- or if nothing else, for if and when to share things when progeny comes in time. I don't remember half of what I've written, drawn, and/or want to keep, anyway; so that's why I keep all that I keep.

And besides with my OCD/Anxiety (besides with keeping everything), I would and do take a long time going through everything; and as I've, I dread even accidentally throwing away something valuable. Frankly, I'd rather burn up my "safety hazard" of a room and take me with it.

Then I'd have no more worries. "No more worries" includes no more worrying about throwing valuable items away and about my glasses. And about Mom yelling at me and throwing things away for me, and telling me what a "hellhole" and "death trap" of a "safety hazard" my room is.

The Sad Part Is That I Feel Guilty For Being Depressive When People Care...

Then only later am I reminded that most don't. As I told a friend, "I tell you, honest to Christ, I really don't think that many people want me around. I guarantee you that when push comes to shove (and vice versa), most'd rather see me gone." Excuse me; but with all due respect, how else am I going to interpret most of what little YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Blogger, and other interaction I get when most of it is negative and critical? By the way, my friend told me, "Night. TTYL." (What a real friend you are, Gordon.).




When most of my online interaction reflects most of my offline interaction, do you expect me to always be happy and acting like everything's okay; like I didn't cry before I made the last blog post and last YouTube video, like I don't want to go off in a corner and just die-- since trying to commit suicide would get me in Sheppard Pratt or not end well otherwise, such as if I survived a suicide attempt and wished that I died as a result?




As I've said, "They sure as Hell didn't care when Dad and his ilk were putting me through all that they put me
through. They sure as Hell didn't care when the now-University of Notre Dame of Maryland put me through all
that they put me through. "They" includes my Laodecian church, by the way. Where the Hell is Cathy Dallwig calling me like she promised she would (and I warned Charles Polk that she probably wouldn't)?"


As I also asked, "And who the f***'s going to tell me that they don't want me to go other than they have to, right?" Gordon already proved that he wouldn't. And wishing me well and just saying "Hey" don't help the issue either. A simple well wish or greeting doesn't always make any situation better:


¹⁴ What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? ¹⁵ If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, ¹⁶ and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? ¹⁷ Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. 




And


¹⁰ For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. 
      But woe to him who is alone when he falls, 
      For he has no one to help him up. 
       ¹¹ Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;     
But how can one be warm alone?
       ¹² Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. 
      And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. 


By the way, food, clothes, and warmth aren't always literal or at least physical.

Not Getting Much Feedback On This Blog or YouTube, Likes On My Page, Etc...

What not getting much feedback, etc. means to me is that I honestly still reflect on committing suicide. I even looked up "1000 Ways to Die", and thought that I may as well stick with the conventional ways of committing suicide if I try to do it. I mean, who's really going to care in the end? Not many people in real life (many of whom are friends on Facebook) do. They sure as Hell didn't care when Dad and his ilk were putting me through all that they put me through. They sure as Hell didn't care when the now-University of Notre Dame of Maryland put me through all that they put me through. "They" includes my Laodecian church, by the way. Where the Hell is Cathy Dallwig calling me like she promised she would (and I warned Charles Polk that she probably wouldn't)?

Also, every miracle in my life comes with a curse-- even on the smallest levels. By the way, what feedback I do get is mostly and usually negative feedback and criticism, not support and even positive criticism. As I said, "I'm more disliked than liked for good and bad." So, not getting much feedback, etc. (and with what feedback I get being negative and unsupportive for the most part, etc.) reflects to me that I might as well be done if the Rapture doesn't come soon.


And who the f***'s going to tell me that they don't want me to go other than they have to, right?

So A Miracle Did Happen (See My Twitter Status.), And...

This month and my life are still going to be rough. This month alone-- forget being (as Kyle Brofslovski sings) "a lonely Jew on Christmas" (let alone a lonely Messianic Jew), even though I have family and friends surrounding me. I won't have consistent presence but for G-d, and even many nevi'im and others got lonely-- so of course, I'll get lonely with even the presence of G-d. Also, I haven't found the one-- what a lonely thought during Mo'ed Chag Mashiach and in general (especially for someone like me). And Kislev 29 (Hanukkah 4) is Great-Granddad Czarnecki's P'rushi Lu'ach yahrzeit-- he committed suicide on Kislev 29,  5725 (December 2, 1964) by P'rushi Lu'ach calculations.

And my life-- well, I've blogged about that.

I Mean, I Do Have People Praying For Me and All, But...

What big miracle's going to happen this time, huh? Maybe my Computer Forensics professor will have a calculator that I can borrow for my Statistics exam? Maybe I'll find the one? Maybe whatever other big miracle? When some small thing doesn't happen, a bigger miracle sometimes or usually happens. For example, my mom accidentally picked up my sister's bag instead of mine. So, I calculator and other stuff at home, and I can't borrow a calculator or pencil for now. As if my life couldn't get worse...

I can't drive home to get it (I have Cerebral Palsy and OCD/Anxiety/Depression, remember?). My keys are in my bag as well and my sister's asleep, so driving home to get them would be non sequitir. Do you see part of why I'm still tempted to commit suicide?

I Wonder Why I Bother Sometimes...

Suicide looks better. Firstly, I'd be in Heaven (I'm a Christian, so I know where I'm by-grace going.), and I wouldn't have to wait for the Rapture. Secondly, Mom, Michelle, and others (including many who'd like to see me dead and/or never really cared, anyway) would be left to pick up the mess that I leave behind. Also, for what being more known in death than life is worth, I'd be more known in death than life-- I even prewrote my own obituary in case something does happen to me, though (G-d willing) I might have to go back and edit it. At least an obituary, a Facebook, a Twitter, and other updates, and other ways of communication are coverage.

Thirdly, I'm a survivor of a suicide attempt from when I was eight to ten years old. Long story short, after I foolishly erased my Pokemon game on the advice of a "friend", I threatened to stab myself-- with the knife in my hand. I chickened out and put the knife down and away from me.

Fourthly, I'm the survivor of a suicide threat-- I ended up at Sheppard Pratt for that threat, and quite a few of my dad's family don't believe what happened even though the Sheppard Pratt incident finally helped provoke the courts to believe what happened. Fifthly, as I've implied, I'm more disliked than liked for good and bad; and as I said, others would be left to pick up the mess that I leave behind. For some of them, picking up my mess would be pure punishment and judgement against them.

I could go on; but as an endnote, I also consider that children in the Third World segments of the human population have a fate better than mine (since they get, for example, plenty of reward in Heaven and not as much judgement because of what they've suffered and because of the "to whom much is given" standard-- including the age of accountability implication). Sexual abuse victims even also have a better fate than mine because some of them parallel (and sometimes even are) the children in the Third World-- they get sympathy and people who'll help them at some point and juncture, some reward in Heaven just for their suffering alone, etc..

With me; my situation's like, who the hell (including my own church) cares (or really or ultimately cares) about a 'mamzerah' Messianic Jew with Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety/Depression, and mild-enough Cerebral Palsy that she can (seemingly) get by?

Dear Mom...

I know that I'm a failure. I know that you're not proud that I don't study as hard as I could, do much around the house as I could, and do much else as I could. But I try. I struggle with OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and possible Aspberger's. I may also struggle with ADD and ADHD (Aunt Mary struggles with mild ADD.). And I struggle with my Cerebral Palsy.

Imagine going through all that I've gone through with little to no support, and spurts of support that are about the extent of the support that I get. Imagine knowing that you're-- though imperfect-- unappreciated and not good enough for anyone no matter what you do. Imagine having my rough family history and not being discouraged from dealing with and talking about it, especially by me & other family. And imagine being mostly or entirely alone otherwise all the time.

I could go on; but Dear Mom, I know that I'm a failure. And now you know why.

Even Though I Want To Find the One, I Want To Be Sure That I've Found the One

Of course, I can't fast and pray like the comedian Nazareth did-- I have medication issues. And I can't stalk someone to the bathroom and claim that the urge to stalk him was from the Holy Spirit like Michael W. Smith claimed that stalking Deborah was a call from G-d. I also can't go on Match.com, Chemistry.com, E-Harmony.com, whatever-else-.com:

"1 Corinthians 7:26-28

New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁶ I suppose therefore that this is good because of the present distress—that it is good for a man to remain as he is: ²⁷ Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. ²⁸ But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you."

Besides, I have Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and possible Aspberger's-- I need someone to provide and care for me. But I can't go out of my way to deliberately seek a spouse or fast like the comedian Nazareth-- or stalk someone like Michael W. Smith and claim that the stalking is from G-d.