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Showing posts with label ideals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ideals. Show all posts

Monday, October 7, 2013

I Resent The Judgement-Without-Understanding Aspect, And...

Those who judge me:

  1. Are the hypocrites who act like Proverbs 31:9 and 1 Corinthians 5 don't mean anything in terms of the context of Matthew 7:1-3—they think that judging means not to judge at all!
  2. Refused to let me ever say that "I have an ideal.", etc.
  3. Don't listen to me when I'm speaking from experience. Having been called a "gimp" several times (not just by that one person, as I found out when I was searching my saved mail for her comment yesterday), having attracted nothing but those who are not right for me (e.g., gentiles or Non-Messianic Jews) and slimeballs (including one who used taqiyya on me in order to date me), and not having been able to even encounter my ideal at all, I know what I'm talking about.
  4. Say that I'm selling myself short—and I know me better than they know me. Even a friend said, "[W]e attract which mirrors us"; and that's scary if that's true—and I'm selling myself short? Give me a break! If my friend's logic holds, I'm not selling myself short at all.
  5. Tell me that I'm not getting blessed because I'm sinning—really?! I acknowledged that "he's already taken." I also stated, "I'll never tell unless and until the times comes to tell". I furthermore stated, "He may not be my ideal or a perfect diamond, but he's a diamond in the rough who would definitely be worth having—and, given my own history, I'll take what good guy I can (hopefully, G-d willing) get."
  6. Say that I have to do all of the work by saying that I'm maybe not ready for the guy and that I have to do this or this. When I add, "What about him?", then they might add that he might have to do something; but they still say that I have to do something.
  7. Say that I'm not getting blessed because I'm sinning. I, for example, waited seven years between Guy One and Guy Two (both slimeballs) and followed the mandate to not seek a spouse, am not pursuing the love of my life unless and until the time right, am even confessing what's going on, and I'm sinning?! Give me a break. Besides, as I said,  "He may not be my ideal or a perfect diamond, but he's a diamond in the rough who would definitely be worth having—and, given my own history, I'll take what good guy I can (hopefully, G-d willing) get." Also, assuming (for the sake of argument) that I'm sinning, people do worse all of the time and they get blessed—even David slept with Bathsheba, murdered Uriah, and got a son in place of the one that he lost for his sins.
And as if I'm the only disabled and/or child-of-divorce person with a sordid family and/or dating history going through the kind of experience that I'm going through? Bullcrap! As I said, I am at least confessing what's going on and asking for prayer about it and waiting on God to send me the love of my life should He will to do so. 

If nothing else, I at least have a backup unless and until God sends me my ideal guy—and one of my judgerers said that she liked my ideal. Also, perhaps my judgerer can give me a favor and  produce my ideal guy, who I haven't been able to get or have at all—until she does, I am not giving up the hope and the prayers that I get the love of my life; since I would be extremely stupid not to have a backup because:
  1. I could end up an alteh moid otherwise.
  2. I could end up with a Mr. Wrong or another Mr. Slimeball.
  3. I could actually end up with him someday or, on the other hand, risk a missed opportunity. Say that I've given up on him and he's available by then, but I can't get him because I gave up on him—and then I missed an opportunity! And sometimes God does create missed opportunities! See Isaiah 45:7 and Romans 9:19-21. Also, "if it was meant to be" doesn't mean that'll it'll always happen—sometimes "it was meant to be" just means "it was the ideal", not that it was planned and was going to happen that way. Even Moses was "meant" to lead the Israelites into Canaan, but it was meant that he should struck the rock and die.
In conclusion, my judgerers must:
  1. Think that I'm stupid.
  2. Never have had an experience like mine in their life.
  3. Never have lived in glass houses themselves—since, after all, they say that "judge not" means "don't judge at all".
  4. Must think that they know me better than myself—and the judgerer who said that she like my ideal said that she does know me better than I know myself in some areas; while, according to Jeremiah 17:9, she can't even know her own heart!
As I said, I resent the judgement-without-understanding aspect and really resent that all of the work is put on me, especially when I know that I'm not stupid and even that I'm not the only one going through an experience like I'm going through! 

Sunday, October 6, 2013

The Love Of My Life Versus The Ideal, And Why I Would Prefer the Not-Completely-the-Ideal Love Of My Life

I've obviously been kvetching about the love of my life, and I can tell that I've been utzing some people and wanting to make them brekhn. Nonetheless, I wouldn't talk about my true love if there weren't quite a few factors in play. The factors include that:

  1. I'm never going to get my ideal.
  2. What I have attracted are guys who are either not right for me and/or don't fit my ideal, anyway; are slimeballs, or both.
  3. I've had enough of a rough life as my life has been—for example (going back to Factor Two), I had the first relationship from August 2004 to May 2005 and waited seven (almost eight) years only to end up in the other failed relationship (February 26, 2013-March 2, 2013). Both relationships were with people who turned out to be slimeballs, and both of whom I had eventually to call the police on. Add that I'm already a divorce statistic (My parents are divorced; both of my dad's living siblings are divorced as well [and my dad and my uncle each remarried]; only two of my maternal grandmother's born children have never been divorced; two of my Trudniak great-granduncles were divorced—one was divorced two or three times—; and my mom's maternal granddad's maternal grandmother was divorced—and there were other divorces. There've also been miserable marriages—e.g., that of my dad's paternal grandparents.)—now know that I'm statistically likely to get divorced.
  4.  I have Cerebral Palsy with an ITB Pump inside of me, OCD/GAD, MDD, IBS, and ADD. Add in Factor Three, and you have why Factor One is in play whether or not Factor Two is added to it.
So, what is my ideal? Besides what I've already mentioned, here's a list:

  1. A Messianic Jew—preferably a Levi or a kohen—and one who knows that we are no longer obligated to keep all 613 mitzvot.
  2. A virgin (I'm a virgin; and—yes—that should've been obvious on the fact that I have CP alone.).
  3. One who is a political scientist, historian, or similar type of professional.
  4. One who can deal with my disabilities, family history, etc. 
I could keep listing more points; but just given  that I have CP and that—e.g.—men have left women who have had more-common conditions such as breast cancer, you should have been able to figure out that I wasn't going to get my ideal. Besides, all the good, I'd-never-be-able-to-get-one-of-them-anyway guys are taken by (mostly) non-disabled women and/or who don't have the kind of family history that I have. I'm well aware of all this to the point that I have cried many times over it (I'm crying right now—and, since Mom's sitting next to me, I'm praying that she doesn't see the tears.). After all, I'm the "gimp" who—by someone's suggestion—should've dated "poor jazz player" Charles Polk (I'm well aware at how the disabled are even viewed by even the good people in society, and the good and bad ones who would never say that kind of stuff out loud.).

So, who is the love of my life? As I said, I'll never tell unless and until the times comes to tell—especially since, e.g., he's already taken. Here's some of what he's like, though (I have to be vague since I don't want to give too much away, since some people know or might be able to figure out who he is.):
  1. He cares about tikun ha'olam and social justice, and has done and does avodah l'tikun ha'olam that has affected and affects many people, including people like me.
  2. He's Jewish and actually comes from a mixed background like I do.
  3. He's handsome.
  4. He's an acquaintance of mine.
  5. Any woman be blessed to have him, despite his foibles and flaws.
  6. He's honest.
  7. He knows what he believes and why he believes it.
Do you see now why I talk (albe too much) about him and ask desperately for prayer that I may get him? He may not be my ideal or a perfect diamond, but he's a diamond in the rough who would definitely be worth having—and, given my own history, I'll take what good guy I can (hopefully, G-d willing) get.