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Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Sunday, August 28, 2016

As a Dog Owner, Reilly's "Momma" Has One Advantage Of Having OCD/Anxiety

As "Momma" previously wrote, she at least has the advantage of protecting Reilly from certainly fatality (Yehovah willing, anyway)—not to mention that my having Depression also provided Reilly an advantage in her first year:

"Despite my OCD, etc., Reilly is honestly among the reasons that I'm still alive. I missed much of her first year for several reasons, among them being—if not with most of them stemming from—that I'd oversleep due to a Depression flareup...At least, meanwhile, Reilly got some naps when Michelle would bring Reilly upstairs to my room and there while I overslept—and puppies need up to 20 hours of sleep per day.

"Sometimes, though, as much as I love Reilly (and oftentimes, if not always, because I love my "dogter"), she and/or matters concerning her can affect mental-illness flareups—such as the incident in which I meticulously looked for a chocolate which I probably drop [sic.] with even a flashlight just in case I dropped it."

Of course, though, "Momma" still wonders what she'll do if she can't catch Reilly if Reilly eats a fatal or close-to-fatal "nasty" such as chocolate, an excess amount of mulch, and raisins—and she already has a hard time keeping Reilly away from the open and often-has-dripped-down-"nasties" dishwasher that Reilly licks or tries to lick. 

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Pictures & A Video Of Ri & Cam For A Family Reunion, And Mental Health & Dogs

Not normally being tolerant of photos and videos, Reilly cooperated to give her "Momma" a picture and a video to show some human family. 




Cam of course cooperated for "Auntie Nicole".




Reilly also cooperated for the video, and here's a part of it:


Meanwhile, as with Pato and Ginger on "America's Got Talent", "Momma" has been helped with Reilly (and like Pato, she has OCD—with comorbid conditions—that drains and/or, so to speak, brainburns her to the point of not being able to brush her teeth or do much else). Despite her OCD, etc., Reilly is honestly among the reasons that she's still alive. She missed much of her first year for several reasons, among them being—if not with most of them stemming from—that she'd oversleep due to a Depression flareup after—to make a long story short—a relative's ex-boyfriend's sister used even LinkedIn to cyberstalk her in order to intimidate she after she had confronted the ex boyfriend about something. At least, meanwhile, Reilly got some naps when "Auntie Michelle" would bring Reilly upstairs to her room and there while she overslept—and puppies need up to 20 hours of sleep per day.

Sometimes, though, as much as she loves Reilly (and oftentimes, if not always, because she loves her "dogter"), she and/or matters concerning her can affect mental-illness flareups—such as the incident in which she meticulously looked for a chocolate which she probably dropped with even a flashlight just in case she dropped it, not to mention times when she dreads that something will happen to her because of something that she's doing (e.g., typing that she dreads about something happening to her, and then it might happen because she typed it—and even, God forbid, what if she's typing because she'd want something to happen to her?):

"People with OCD often think that their rituals will keep them—and the people they love—from getting hurt. They think, "If I do [or don't do] X, then Y will [or won't] happen." Everybody makes little bargains like this sometimes. Have you ever prayed for something to go your way? Did you offer to be extra good if you got what you wanted? People with OCD think this way all the time. They are sure that their rituals work like magic. Of course, that's not the case." (via iEmily, "Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Over and Over and Over Again")



Thursday, March 24, 2016

Originally On Writerbeat: A Redacted 2005 Police Report, Depression, and An Ableist

The former two are not fair game. The latter one—a sick ableist—is—and the sick ableist in question is Donald Trump. Heidi Cruz did not wake up one day and decide to have a depressive episode that day (whether or not the depressive episode was a one-time episode or a flareup of chronic Depression). She did not decide to plan to sit 10 minutes away from traffic during a nervous breakdown, and she did not think that someone as cruel as Donald Trump would be cruel enough to use what can be a fatal mental illness to "spill the beans".

Nobody forced the aspiring First Lady Melania Trump (then model Melania Knauss) to pose nude for "GQ". Circumstances in Heidi Cruz's life, for whatever reason, did force her to have some kind of mental breakdown (regardless of whether the breakdown was a one-time depressive episode or just another flareup of Depression—flareups to which each Depression patients gets resigned in some respect, irrespective of how each of us deals with those flareups.).

Notwithstanding that Heidi Cruz intentionally sat 600 seconds from traffio of six—600 seconds in which she could have had her last breaths and ended her life—she got up and went home. Not everybody does that—in fact, some die at home—ask my great-great-granduncles Frank and Alexander Focko, as the former hung himself at his home and the latter fatally consumed cyanide in his home. 

Ask their dad, my-great-three-times grandfather Istvan Foczko (and while I'm not a mathematician, I know that for a man in his 50s with two sons whom committed suicide—and the sons being two of six sons—to not have committed suicide is statistically impossible—especially since one third of his sons also happened to be two of his seven children.).

Ask my father's paternal grandfather, whom changed his mind too late—he wanted to go home and had already jumped off of Falls River Bridge, blocking traffic with his abandoned-in-the-middle-of-the-bridge car and humiliatedly having drivers, three hunters whom tried to get him to the riverbank, and others watch as he drowned to death from not being able to hold on to a rock in the midst of Falls River currents.

In what year is Donald Trump, anyway—1905? 1913? 1935? 1964? Almost 52-111 years later, can't Donald Trump stop being childish and realize that victims of Depression (let alone Depression-affected suicide) are not stigmas (let alone suicides) in of themselves? At least relatively few—in more Westernized societies, anyway—view victims of suicide as the suicides themselves, even though many still view victims of Depression—and other mental illnesses—as stigmas. 

Donald Trump ought to go live in a shari'a-ruled or other Non-Westernized society if he continues to view people with mental illnesses as shari'a- and other Non-Western-minded people do—and even some Western societies, such as Croatia and Serbia, need to continue to work on Westernizing or even start Westernizing.

By the way, Meliana Trump's precious Slovenia still has its Westernization to implement—why doesn't Donald Trump suggest barring Slovenian immigrants whom are ableist and don't want to take care of their own?—or he could perhaps help Svenica and Ljubljana build adequate mental hospitals instead of focusing on castles. 

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Originally On WriterBeat: Open Letter To Chad Simon (Class of 2016, Brown University)

I have ancestors whom committed suicide due to Depression; my father's sister attempted suicide due to Depression; I ended up in a mental hospital due to Depression.
You indeed "[know] powerfully little about the physiological mechanisms behind real, incurable, moored-to-the-bed-in-supine-position depression." By the way, not every person with Depression stays moored-to-the-bed-in-supine-position". Also, you need to learn that there is a marked difference between feeling depressed and Clinical Depressions such as Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar Depression, and Schizoaffective Disorder (a combination of Schizophrenia and Bipolar Depression).
I really hope that your major is not Psychology, Biology, Chemistry, or Pre-Med Studies, because I would not award you a degree in either of those fields of study were I the person whom is responsible for conferring degrees on students at Brown University.

Monday, January 18, 2016

More Depression

"A man's soul sustains him, but who can endure a broken spirit?" I am enduring another Depression flareup, loneliness, etc.—I have even suspended working on the manuscript for my next book.

Spiritbrokeness, unlike my sister's stomach flu, is a kind of sickness that doesn't just go away with prayer, fluids, and rest. Spiritbrokeness takes even more than prayer, sufficient hydration, and enough energy to heal—especially when it exacerbates and feeds off of, e.g., Depression in a vicious feed-be fed cycle.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Part Of What's Exacerbated My Depression Of Late, And A Prayer Request

A few months ago, a family friend to whom I had not talked in a while reached out to me. Once he began to talking to me again, and after four to five years had passed, I began viewing him as a father figure, a writing mentor, and a friend whom is more dear to me than he'll ever know—"There are friends that one hath to his own hurt; but there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

Needlessly to say, he became "a friend that sticketh closer than a brother". Then one day, he suddenly stopped talking to me. The only explanation was this, and it came quite a bit of time later—and remember that he is, or at least was, a writing mentor: "Going through a difficult time. Keep writing."

After that, a major news story broke; and I asked him if one of the parties whom was involved in the news-making situation was associated with him—and I received no response to that inquiry. In the next day and the following days, I was left to guess whether the news story had to do with him in even any remote way (e.g., if one of his family or friends of friend was involved), other news stories involved him, or anything else had happened. After all, what did (and does) "a difficult time" mean?

This family friend, father figure, writing mentor, and closer-than-a-brother friend of my own had reached out to me in the first place, and he ditched me without explanation. Given, among other factors, my C.P. and mental illnesses, his ditching of me was absolutely the last thing that I needed—or at least wanted, since only God ultimately knows why I needed it. I've also needed other ditchings as well, by the way, and only God has also known why I needed those—and one more-recent one came from an in-law cousin, might I add.

"The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a broken spirit who can bear?" That kind of broken spirit is what I've endured once again in the past few months—and as if OCD/Anxiety. Depression, ADD, and IBS weren't enough in of themselves; and only God ultimately knows why He's exacerbated them.


"I am the LORD, and there is none else, beside Me there is no God; I have girded thee, though thou hast not known Me; That they may know from the rising of the sun, and from the west, that there is none beside Me; I am the LORD; and there is none else; I form the light, and create darkness; I make peace, and create evil; I am the LORD, that doeth all these things.


"Drop down, ye heavens, from above, and let the skies pour down righteousness; let the earth open, that they may bring forth salvation, and let her cause righteousness to spring up together; I the LORD have created it. Woe unto him that striveth with his Maker, as a potsherd with the potsherds of the earth! Shall the clay say to him that fashioned it: 'What makest thou?' Or: 'Thy work, it hath no hands'? Woe unto him that saith unto his father: 'Wherefore begettest thou?' Or to a woman: 'Wherefore travailest thou?' Thus saith the LORD, the Holy One of Israel, and his Maker: Ask Me of the things that are to come; concerning My sons, and concerning the work of My hands, command ye Me. I, even I, have made the earth, and created man upon it; I, even My hands, have stretched out the heavens, and all their host have I commanded."

I know, too, that God's ways are not our ways, as Isaiah also speaks by the Holy Spirit. So, for example and as bad as this sounds, I don't know whether God reminds me of my friend on a daily basis to remind me to pray for him or to allow HaSatan to make fun of me (as He allowed HaSatan to torment and persecute Job, whom was already suffering with the question of whether his children loved God: "'It may be that my sons have sinned, and blasphemed God in their hearts.'")

It could also be—and this is where the "as bad as this sounds" comes into play—that God's making fun of me or punishing me for some reason that only He ultimately knows: "Search me, O God, and know my heart, try me, and know my thoughts; And see if there be any way in me that is grievous, and lead me in the way everlasting." Having my guesses about hurtful situations, what I've done or not done, etc. hurts; and even if I know and the person whom I've wronged or whom's wronging me won't tell me, that really hurts.

Incidentally (as the year went from 2015 to 2016), I saw another reminder of him, since I discussed genealogy with him and wondered if a name in his own family wasn't an allusion to this verse: "The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is set up on high."

Please pray for me, pray for my friend, and pray for others whom need prayers on their behalf, meanwhile—may we all call on HaShem Yehovah, HaMigdal HaChazaq; and may Yehovah bring reconciliation or whatever is needed to be brought between me and my friend (אם ירצה, יהוה.), and may our friendship be almost as strong as Yehovah Himself.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

When (I Feel Like) I've No Reason To Go To Bed At Night (And I'm Sure That Others Can Relate)

I think that these few verses really sum up for me why (I often feel like) I've no reason to go to bed at night—not to mention that I am Jewish, and I'm experiencing part of Moshe's prophecies through no fault of my own (I was not yet born, though I was in the desert those millennia ago.):


"65 And among these nations shalt thou have no repose, and there shall be no rest for the sole of thy foot; but the LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and languishing of soul. 66 And thy life shall hang in doubt before thee; and thou shalt fear night and day, and shalt have no assurance of thy life.67 In the morning thou shalt say: 'Would it were even!' and at even thou shalt say: 'Would it were morning!' for the fear of thy heart which thou shalt fear, and for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see."
Jews do indeed have higher rates of Depression and other mental illnesses. All the harder is when I am alone in general, anyway—

"9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him that is alone when he falleth, and hath not another to lift him up. 11 Again, if two lie together, then they have warmth; but how can one be warm alone? 12And if a man prevail against him that is alone, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." 
Consider, too, that I have a physical disability as well (not to mention that I have OCD/Anxiety, ADD, and IBS):

"The poor is hated even of his own neighbour; but the rich hath many friends."
"Wealth addeth many friends; but as for the poor, his friend separateth himself from him."5 A false witness shall not be unpunished; and he that breatheth forth lies shall not escape."6 Many will entreat the favour of the liberal man; and every man is a friend to him that giveth gifts.
"7 All the brethren of the poor do hate him; how much more do his friends go far from him! He that pursueth words, they turn against him."

How many other people with disabilities—physical, mental (including mental illnesses), and other disabilities alike—can relate, I'm sure!

"And when ye offer the blind for sacrifice, is it no evil! And when ye offer the lame and sick, is it no evil! Present it now unto thy governor; will he be pleased with thee? or will he accept thy person? saith the LORD of hosts."

How people with disabilities and illnesses are used (including mocked), especially in the name of God! Then people wonder why I and others say "Were it morning!" in the evening and "Were it evening!" in the morning.

I'm sure, too, that, that was the experience of Great-Granddad Czarnecki 51 years ago today, after he'd had a rough life (regardless of that he caused much of it in his adult years) and lost his leg in a lawn-mowing accident on top of all that he endured—and he had Depression! (Great-Granduncle Bernie, BTW, had Schizophrenia; and Great-Great-Grandma likely had Schizoaffective Disorder).
AnthonyCzarneckiDeathCert
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Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Something To Make Your Own and Share

I saw this on a Facebook friend's status, and I decided to personalize it. This isn't stuff that I haven't talked about in some capacity before, by the way. Incidentally, Great-Granddad Czarnecki could have (if God willed) lived to be 111 this month (October 24th) had he not committed suicide (Trust me; he has a certain cousin whom is 98 and will, if God wills, be 99 this year. He could easily have had that longevity gene, and only God knows if he did.).

Do me a favor, then, and make the following your own in a Facebook status, note, or something:

Depression is real and relentless. I and others have been on that edge, and I myself ended up in Sheppard Pratt over it in April of 2006 (To hide that is useless, especially when why the Depression was exacerbated affected me to threaten myself.). I'm therefore asking everyone to stop hiding their own Depression or whatever mental illness(es) you have (I also have, e.g., OCD, by the way.).

On the other hand, you can continue to hide it as many in my family have hidden it and did hide it—and let's see how well that works for you. Let me give you a hint: it doesn't work—if, for example, my father's paternal grandfather (Anthony Czarnecki, RIP) and maternal great-granduncles Alexander and Frank Fosko (z"l) could come back, they'd tell you.

So would their father, Istvan Foczko (z"l)—he was in his 50s when he died, had six sons and one daughter, and has never had his cause of death mentioned. Statistically, there is no other possibility that he died in any other way than by suicide—whether 29% of a chance (since two of his seven children committed suicide, and if you round the percentage up) or 66% (since two of his six sons committed suicide) the chance is well above 10%, and even 25%. The average of 29 and 66 is 47.5—so, think about that: almost 50% of a chance that he committed suicide, and the other 50-53% (that he didn't commit suicide, and that he even would have lived past his 50s) may well have happened if he had talked about what he endured. 

Meanwhile, I'm asking everyone to copy and paste this status—and personalize it. If only I was sharing a personal struggle with mental illness, it'd be a damned shame. Besides, you don't know whom you might help if you (in the words of my father's paternal grandmother, z"l) "talk about it" (When she broke down and told my aunt about many things before she died, those were her exact words after 90-plus years of life—"No; no, it's okay: I want to talk about it."). ♥

Monday, June 1, 2015

Short Story: Ditched

Author's note: I wrote this based on quite a few things, including how I just felt when I thought that I was the only person who was downstairs and, thus, unable to get Reilly up to my room for the night.


That was it...there it was...undeniably in front of her...facing her as much as she was facing—or at least having to face—it: the fact that she was ditched—abandoned—and now entirely alone—and helpless.

"...if you were the last person on Earth"—well, she was (or at least she felt like) the last person on Earth. The ridiculousness of that phrase finally revealed itself to her. 

"Nobody would help you if you were the last person on Earth because nobody else would be on Earth!" she thought to herself. "Shouldn't the phrase be '...the only other person on Earth', then?" Then again, her case fit the "last person on Earth" type of situation—she couldn't help herself now, and she couldn't help herself if she were the last person on Earth. 

"Then why should I even be on Earth?" she thought. Then again, she couldn't take her own life if she couldn't help herself for her own life; could she? Nonetheless, she was alone—she didn't even have any angels watching over her (let alone the Angel of the LORD tending to her —Elijah had Him to encourage him to at least eat and drink). 

If anything did  happen to her —G-d forbid —she'd at least write this epitaph down as part of her last will and testament for anyone whom would show up and find her. "At least throw me in a ditch if you must ditch me in my death as many ditched me in my life."

As she wrote her epitaph down, she realized that her sardonic humor was keeping her alive. "'Misery loves company'", she mused, "and 'two are better than one.'"

Friday, January 23, 2015

My Own 25th Birthday, And a Scary Realization...

Now I'm 25 years old by both Biblical and Gregorian standards. Meanwhile, I (no pun intended) am stopped dead in my tracks by a horrifying realization: I am as old as Great-Granddad Czarnecki was when the 1929 Great Depression happened. Also, I just read about the hardly-explained suicide of Madison Holleran—and all while I had been browsing to find out the age of a public figure whose age was not given on Wikipedia. One thing really can lead to another!

At that point, reading about Miss Holleran's suicide led to my reading comments about it—including the evil-hearted one from "Bc". Typing a response to him made me realize (at least more of) what happened to Great-Granddad, etc. (Incidentally—or maybe not—the day-and-date scheme was the same in 1964 as it was in 2014. By the way, "50" and "25" are multiples of "25" and "five". The numbers in it all, too. Needless to say, numbers and patterns alone should prove that there are no coincidences in life.):

That's easy for you to say. Could you go in back in time and, e.g., talk to my Great-Granddad Czarnecki:
Born on October 24, 1904, he was a pogrom survivor who had to become a Crypto Jew, who lost his father (who, by the way, was an alcoholic and a terrible husband) when he was 17 going on 18, his sister Regina when he was 20 (and she was 16. She died of cholera [sic.].), his mother when he was 31 going on 32 (after he already had a complicated relationship with her), his firstborn son, and his youngest brother (who was a Holocaust victim whose cause of death was murder due to serving in the U.S. Military and being fatally injured by a Nazi soldier. He took almost 18 years to die, by the way, since that's how botched the surgery to remove the shrapnel from his head was; and he died from a schizophrenic reaction and a coronary occlusion). He also lost other siblings, all of whom died when they were infants.
Add to that, that he lost his three right middle toes and his leg up to his knee when he worked as a lawnmower operator at an apartment complex (and because he lost his previous job in the hard-hit Sugar Notch, Pennsylvania coal mines). The job losses and limb loss either affected the onset of or exacerbated his Depression, for which the medication that he took was ineffective.
So, after 60 years, a month, a week, and a day of pain (i.e., 21,954 days of pain), he attempted suicide; and although his attempt didn't work and he changed his mind at the last minute, his death certificate reads that he died of suicide by drowning.
By the way, the Great Depression began on his 9,131st day (his 25th birthday). He also had other pain (that is, besides what I mentioned, including how his 25th birthday was marred and the Pogrom of Pogroms thus far at that time—the Holocaust—began on that day).
You tell me, then, how willing he was to consider that, e.g., "tomorrow is another to borrow the words of some one else". Your lack of critical thinking, empathy, and compassion astounds me.
What a sobering reality! By the way, let me add what I originally commented:

Sure; expectations of perfection, etc. can affect the onset of Depression and suicide affected by Depression. Frankly, though, it does seem unusual (even weird). What didn't Madison tell?
By the way, I know that this isn't about me; although I have Depression, and my father's paternal grandfather, the maternal grandfather of my father's maternal grandmother, and two maternal uncles of father's maternal grandmother all committed suicide. My father's sister attempted suicide as well, and I ended up in Sheppard Pratt for threatening suicide (and there are days where the temptation of suicide still assails me.
So, I know from experience that more than just expectations of perfection, etc. had to be in play. Incidentally, I have never seen my great-granddad's suicide note; and I figured out that my great-grandmother's maternal grandfather (who was in his 50s when he died) committed suicide because I noted that two of his six sons (and two of his seven children) committed suicide (so, mathematically, for him to not commit suicide would have been impossible.

I will add other links later [6:04 PM EST].

The links have been added [10:45 PM EST].

Sunday, January 18, 2015

If Some Of You All Want To Keep Judging Ms. Dorvilier....

By the way, Google it, too. "Postpartum Depression violence". Some of you all need to grow up (at best) and/or get mental-health treatment (at "worst"/most). Also, do not buy that Postpartum Depression and violence have no link. Depression, let alone Postpartum Depression, can affect violence (including murder and murder-suicide). My father's paternal grandfather (not a Postpartum-Depressive man, let alone an untreated one, as far as I know) committed suicide because of Depression alone! How much more might a Postpartum-Depressive woman commit suicide and/or murder! In addition, I suggest that you keep silent if you have no clue about mental illness. After all, "Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding." (Proverbs 17:28, for Christians and so-called Christians—especially if you are Jewish. You well know that our fathers and mothers received all of Tanakh by the Second Temple Era). For everyone else, "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."

Let me add, too, that I know about mental illness. I already explained enough about my mother's maternal grandmother's mother, did I not? I also explained enough my father's grandfather. Well, guess what? I inherited his Depression! I also inherited my father's OCD/Anxiety and ADD (He will admit to the ADD. He has yet to admit that OCD/Anxiety and Depression; though I clearly inherited his mental illnesses, and I remember those pill bottles that I saw in his now-former apartment. Let me tell you, now I know that not all of them were Vitamin B12 pills. I also have other memories that I did not think about at the time that they were present events.).

I, thus, know what I am saying. Therefore, I can open my mouth. I forgot to mention as well, and let me add, that my mother's paternal grandfather's father ended up in Springfield State Hospital due to Alcoholism. I also ended up in Sheppard Pratt once, and that's where I was diagnosed with Depression. I can give other examples as well, and now I am really going to tell the "some of you all" to shut your mouths and not say a damned thing about me—and I know that at least one of you thought that I was the fool in this case. I did not say that I am wise, by the way; so, you word twisters can really stop now (Do not think that I am clueless, either.).

I even suspect that quite a few of the "some of you all" are sociopaths and/or otherwise lacking compassion, critical thinking skills, and discernment as well. According to Fox News (who published an Associated Press article), "Authorities believe the mother doused her baby with an accelerant then set her on fire, Bewley said. They do not have a motive. The woman was taken into custody Friday night." Yet, some of you all have the hutzpah to cite "innocent until proven guilty" even in cases in which the motive is clear.

Postpartum Psychosis, Crime, Etc.

BTW, my sister wants to clarify that her rude background laughter had nothing to do with the subjects at hand, despite that I asked that she would be quiet while I made the video to which this blog entry applies.

Anyway, here are the statistics on Postpartum Depression and Psychosis:

1) http://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/depression/postpartum.aspx

2) http://www.cdc.gov/mmwR/preview/mmwrhtml/mm5714a1.htm

(Please note that Black and other Non-White, Non-Hispanic women are affected the most.).

3) http://www.postpartumprogress.com/category/postpartum-depression-statistics

4) http://www.idph.state.il.us/about/womenshealth/factsheets/pdpress.htm

The original story is at http://www.theintell.com/news/local/baby-dies-after-being-set-on-fire-in-pemberton-woman/article_e40fb4a6-31e3-579e-841e-82d7ec100ccf.html

Monday, January 12, 2015

Depression, Dying In the Diaspora, and Likely Being An Alteh Moid (And Other Matters)

First with the schtick about dying in the Diaspora: well, an ex friend just died at 4:00 AM today. As I told my sister, "I keep telling you about dying in the Diaspora; you won't believe me" or something like that. To watch Yirimiyahu 8:1-7 continuously come true disturbs me. The ex friend was only in his 20s and had cancer, by the way.

Also, what about the four men murdered in Friday's terror attacks as well as Georges Wolinski murdered on Wednesday? Surely, some have to be looking at this and saying, "It is true: 'And death shall be chosen rather than life by all the residue that remain of this evil family, that remain in all the places whither I have driven them, saith יהוה צבאות.' Indeed, 'the stork in the heaven knoweth her appointed times; and the turtle and the swallow and the crane observe the time of their coming; but My people know not the ordinance of יהוה.'

"'And thou shalt become an astonishment, a proverb, and a byword, among all the peoples whither יהוה shall lead thee away.'" That's not supposed to exacerbate the MDD with which I suffer?!

Also, I can't get out of the Diaspora myself. Why? Besides what I wrote yesterday (See "To watch...true" above.), that I'm not married is a factor (and a painful one!)! Did that get into a debate as well, by the way!

Given the following, I may pretty much be doomed either way:

  1. Each but for two of my maternal grandparents' post-natal children (including my late aunt Mary Carole) have been divorced and remarried at least once.
  2. All of my paternal grandparents' post natal children have each been divorced once.
  3. My parents are divorced (no duh!).
  4. I have C.P., OCD/ADD, MDD, ADD, and IBS.
  5. I'm 24 years old and going on to be 25 years old.
There are other factors as well. Being an undesirable, a divorce statistic, and still single at 24 years old, I'm likely to die an alteh moid. Comforting? No! Exacerbating my MDD? Yes! Having nobody to at least get me out of the Diaspora? Even more exacerbating my MDD!



PS As I was trying to write this whole blog entry, I had to stop for multiple long periods because I couldn't get a moment of quiet. Also, I was pretty much, e.g., shot down on explaining why Francois Hollande called Netanyahu's bluff. To live in a house in which I can't share much without being interrupted, shot down, etc. is all the rougher.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Forgiveness And Compassion...

Jesus even said to love our enemies. And I have a hard time with that as well, and I nonetheless have a choice: I can either forgive or I can be left unforgiven by God. I can either have compassion or be left without God's compassion.

Even Corrie ten Boom had a hard time with forgiveness [She also mentions this incident in The Hiding Place]:

“Now he was in front of me, hand thrust out: ‘A fine message, Fräulein! How good it is to know that, as you say, all our sins are at the bottom of the sea!’
“And I, who had spoken so glibly of forgiveness, fumbled in my pocketbook rather than take that hand. He would not remember me, of course—how could he remember one prisoner among those thousands of women?
“But I remembered him and the leather crop swinging from his belt. I was face-to-face with one of my captors and my blood seemed to freeze.
“ ‘You mentioned Ravensbruck in your talk,’ he was saying, ‘I was a guard there.’ No, he did not remember me.
“ ‘But since that time,’ he went on, ‘I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your lips as well. Fräulein,’ again the hand came out—’will you forgive me?’
“And I stood there—I whose sins had again and again to be forgiven—and could not forgive. Betsie had died in that place—could he erase her slow terrible death simply for the asking?
“It could not have been many seconds that he stood there—hand held out—but to me it seemed hours as I wrestled with the most difficult thing I had ever had to do.
“For I had to do it—I knew that. The message that God forgives has a prior condition: that we forgive those who have injured us. ‘If you do not forgive men their trespasses,’ Jesus says, ‘neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.’
“I knew it not only as a commandment of God, but as a daily experience. Since the end of the war I had had a home in Holland for victims of Nazi brutality. Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were able also to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the physical scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and as horrible as that.
“And still I stood there with the coldness clutching my heart. But forgiveness is not an emotion—I knew that too. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. ‘… Help!’ I prayed silently. ‘I can lift my hand. I can do that much. You supply the feeling.’
“And so woodenly, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the one stretched out to me. And as I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes.
“ ‘I forgive you, brother!’ I cried. ‘With all my heart!’
“For a long moment we grasped each other’s hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God’s love so intensely, as I did then”



This is not to say, by the way, that I don't think that the Ex Nazi should not have turned himself in to the International Criminal Court or whoever else, since he should have turned himself in if he was fully and/or truly sorry. After all, on a way-lesser and -different level, Achan ben Karmi took the punishment for his own sin. Why, therefore, couldn't the Ex Nazi who had attempted to murder Corrie ten Boom and murdered others take the punishment for his own sin?

In terms of compassion, we have to remember that (for example) not all who speak incorrigibly are being malicious. In terms of Robin Williams' suicide, for example, Rosanne Barr was in denial (She later deleted her denial-filled tweets.), and Shepard Smith and a Facebook friend of mine either do not understand depression and suicidal tendencies or even have experiences with suicides their lives and have opened-up wounds:

"Those who were able to forgive their....enemies were able also to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the...scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and as horrible as that."
Also, again:

 The message that God forgives has a prior condition: that we forgive those who have injured us. ‘If you do not forgive men their trespasses,’ Jesus says, ‘neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.’
Furthermore:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.




Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Are You Mentally or Neurologically Abnormal Like I Am?

<a href="http://www.sodahead.com/living/do-you-struggle-with-psychological-psychiatric-andor-other-mental-andor-neurological-disorders/question-4034323/" title="Do you struggle with psychological, psychiatric, and/or other mental and/or neurological disorders?">Do you struggle with psychological, psychiatric, and/or other mental and/or neurological disorders?</a>


The conversation needs to continue to be had, and I hope to contribute to it.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Why I Haven't Been Writing the Memoir For the Past Few Days

I have been going through a lot (as some have read in the past, and as I see that a Ms. Sandubrae tries to use against me—you are not funny; you are not cool, and you are proving to be the "snotty" person that L. Kay and one of your high-school classmates stated that you are, Mrs. Sandubrae. I continue to record visits of my blog from you and/or your followers who are trying to intimidate me. You are also only adding to the through the Hell which I'm going), and that includes being on the verge of suicide, having a cold (My immune system finally wore down—and partly due to what trouble you have caused me, Mrs. Sandubrae; and remember that my threat of prosecution is not idle. Where in the law can one read that public figures may harass and intimidate other public figures as you and your followers have done to me? Get a life and wise up, Mrs. Sandubrae, or you may well be prosecuted.).

Meanwhile, I'm figuring that I'm going to need some life-changing event (as if—and since—having an ITB Pump and being on the verge of suicide several times, for example, apparently—and evidently—doesn't count) in order for those who haven't been supporting me and praying for me to even notice what's going on my life. The event includes the choices of, but is not limited to, getting into my final relationship (I'm not getting into another relationship unless the relationship is with whom I know and am sure is the one.), having a baby (which is not going to happen until after I'm married, if I ever am able to marry), having a grandchild (like lucky Geraldo Rivera did—497 likes and 56 comments in about an hour, and six retweets with 21 favorites and 12 comments in about an hour [at last count]—and which will not happen for me anytime soon unless I adopt a kid who is expecting and/or has kids of his or her own shortly after he or she is adopted), and becoming famous (That's how I'll really get people to notice and give a **** about anything that I say, do, or go through at all.). 

By the way, as much as I forgive people, I certainly think that when bad comes to them for what they've done to me and/or others serves them rightly. For example, Liz's prophecy came true, and I was humbled (and served rightly) when it came true—and while Pop-Pop is not dead, he is certainly not alive—he's one of the deadest living men of whom I have ever heard, and he is served rightly for what he's done to his mother (z"l), his daughter, and others.

Liz told Aunt Mary (Pop-Pop's only daughter) that Pop-Pop wouldn't be alive within five years of January-February 2007—and he has pneumonia and other issues for which he is hospitalized. Indeed, "Let God be true and every man a liar"—and it frankly serves Jack Czarnecki rightly. How dare he commit second-degree murder with murder-malice intent and Social Security fraud! And how dare he affect his daughter—his only daughter!—to be driven to a suicide attempt!

Monday, June 10, 2013

An Epiphany That Occurred To Me Only After My Last Blog Entry...

With All Due Respect To Survivors Of Suicide (Even Myself, You Have To Remember)...

I had to laugh in my head when someone talked about losing her friend to the "dark tunnel of suicide"--she, like others, talks about how suicide is "difficult" for the survivors. Survivors of suicide like her (even if they don't say it) also think about how suicide is selfish, etc..

Well, firstly, the "dark tunnel of suicide" wasn't that dark for him--he committed suicide! Besides, secondly, like he probably thought, I'm thinking more and more that I agree with the sentiments (and I've--when I've Googled "Why shouldn't I commit suicide?", for example--seen and/or picked up the sentiments) that:

  1. Suicide may not be that damned selfish after all.
  2. The survivors may be being the ones who are selfish--who are they really crying for, after all? (By the way, Wayman Tisdale did not commit suicide, but you get the point.)
  3. Since people are complaining about population control, it wouldn't (or at least shouldn't) kill you (pun intended) if we kill ourselves, anyway. After all, you sure don't feel--or at least act like you feel--that losing us would kill you while we're still alive--or at least most of the time, you don't. In fact, you usually act quite the opposite way while we're alive--that is, that you'd even want to see us gone and are just too tactically polite to say that. Even, for instance, while the one person talked about how her loved one "was close to me and all his friends and family" and was a "great friend", the loved one sure didn't feel like he was--or why else would he have committed suicide? Or maybe he felt like he was on his end but not on his loved ones' ends--after all, why didn't he stick around if he truly felt like he was loved by his loved ones.
  4. Since you don't care for or even want us around while we're around and alive, that we'd be no longer around or alive would be better for all parties. Besides, you can really put your sentiments behind your "I miss you when you're not around" and "I'll always love you" words when we're really not around.
  5. Suicidal people and suicide committers may, in some senses, be ahead of their time. For example, my great-granddad committed suicide on the day that Mario Savio spoke and helped usher in Jacob's Trouble--and he had seen enough of Jacob's Trouble on the horizon in his day. By the way, in case anyone's asking, I did tweet that I gained a whole new respect for Great Granddad for that in a perhaps-perverse since.
  6. Since, again, you don't care for or even want us around while we're around and alive, that we'd be no longer around or alive would be better for all parties. After all, if and/or since we're really that much trouble to you while we're alive and around, we'd be putting an end to both our and your miseries if we decided to commit suicide. Also, again, that'd solve your population-control issue.
  7. Since we may be well ahead of our time and you don't want us around, quit your (for a lack of a better term and with all due respect) bitching--we're perhaps even escaping to Heaven. Even if we're not, we were predestined for Hell (where you at least surely acted like you wanted us, anyway). Regardless, we'd be cutting our days short--perhaps to your satisfaction, as you made it seem half of the time.
  8. The only reason that we don't commit suicide is because we're too damned in dread of what would happen if we did commit suicide or--worsely--if we actually survived a suicide attempt and had dreadful consequences associated with our failed suicide attempts and survivals thereof (or therefrom--whichever; you get the point). 
So, give suicide commiters and those of us who've been suicidal--for good reason--a break. You didn't seem to care for your suicide-victim loved one when he or she was still here--or else he or she would still be here, because he or she would know that he or she had a friend who's even a sibling or even close than one. You don't seem to care for us now--in fact, you're sending us the same messages that you sent your suicide-victim loved.

And that's why I laughed--not because I thought that his suicide was funny, but because I thought that (as he must've thought or would think) she's a damned hypocrite for saying what she should've said and meant while he was alive. Had she truly meant all that she said now that he's been gone for two years, he would've never gone through that suicide attempt--even Jeremiah stayed alive because he had Baruch and Hanamel, and Elijah had 6,999 others .

So, with all due respect to survivors of suicide (including those who've been suicidal like I have), give suicide victims and those who've been suicidal (including yourselves if you've been suicidal) a break! At least if you give us a break, we'll stay around to at least make you selfish brats and hypocrites happy--even if you really don't care for us, and at least to prove that we're not selfish like you--nor would we actually be selfish if we decide to take ourselves out of your lives! 

Saturday, June 1, 2013

I Need A Big Break Because....


  1. While I'm not the pinnacle embodiment of a rags-to-riches story, I've certainly had struggles in my life. Here's a (so to speak) Molotov Cocktail (or worse of a cocktail) of struggles which I've had:
    1. Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy, for which I spent 75 days in the hospital. Born January 23, 1990, I came home on April 7, 1990.
    2. OCD/Anxiety--this comes from my dad's Levitical family, the Foskos (Foczkos).
    3. Major Depressive Disorder--my dad's paternal granddad committed suicide over this. Relatedly, two Foczko great-great-granduncles and their dad (my great-great-great-granddad) committed suicide.
    4. ADD--All I know is that this come from Dad's side.
  2. My family history, to say the least, is very sordid. For example:
    1. My dad's family in particular was Crypto Jewish from around 1755-after March 12, 2008. I was the on who was chosen to catch them in their fanciful ignorance and deceit.
    2. My great-grandma Mary Rusnak Gaydos was a kapo--to not send the money to the Rusznaks who desperately broke the protocol of Evel Rabbati 2I  for the sake of piku'ach nefesh (whether Vilmosz was the one really writing or a Nazi was posing as Vilmosz--though, safe to say, Vilmos had to be the one writing given that Vilmosz survived the Shoah and is still covered up by the family). Because of this, my family is broken and cursed--and I am of the third generation removed from Vilmosz's curser, and of the second removed from his curser's enablers.
    3. Because of Points One and Two, my family story is not well known--and besides for what was noted in Point Two, my family is broken.
    4. Great-Grandma Czarnecki's blood is left unavenged (As much as I forgive Pop-Pop, I'd still like what he did to catch up with him.).
    5. Pfc. Bernard S. Czarnecki (Army, 111th Infantry Division Medical Corp, WW2) is left unrecognized and unavenged.
    6. A lot of the verbal and other abuse that I had to endure from 1996 (from when Dad twisted Mom's arm--which is pretty traumatic for a six-year-old child to have to see--and after seeing my dad sleeping on the couch one time at 7:00 on dark morning in 1994) to November 2006 (to when I had endured quite a bit of my own abuse, thank you) is explained by the family history--"Hurt people hurt people"; abuse begets abuse, and (as Granduncle Tony quoted), "Like [dad], like son." (The couch thing--to see parents sleeping separately from each other is also traumatic--if I didn't realize that something was wrong then, I can look back and say that I should've realized that something was wrong then.)
  3. I'm no Jeremiah, Elijah, or even faithful son; but I've been a Christian since Easter 1996 or 1997--long before I even suspected that I am Jewish, by the way.
  4. I get that "having one's cake and eating it, too" is not a Biblical concept (or usually one), but David, Solomon, and even the disciples (excepting Judas, and counting Mathias) had their cakes and ate them, too (at least in the end).
  5. I've never fit anyone's mold--a psychological case with a physical disability, a sordid family history, a broken home, and a situation in which I don't fit in the Christian or the Jewish worlds (and mainly because I'm that interfaith, interethnic[?], broken-home kid with a sordid family history and a medical record to boot. By the way, Mom's--as far as we know--a gentile of Jewish and Latino [Sephardic Jewish?] descent.).
  6. I've been a victim of abuse (including what I've mentioned previously and cyberbullying), rejection, and dejection.  
  7. I've had two crazy exes, both of whom I've had to call the police on; and I'm only 23. Therefore, my chances of ever getting married--let alone ever staying married--are nill. Besides:
    1. My dad and both of his siblings divorced, and my dad and his brother remarried.
    2. Out of my mom and her eight born siblings, only two have never divorced or remarried.
    3. My Allen great-great-grandparents and my Green-Carroll great-great-grandma all divorced. My "McCoy" great-great-grandparents may have also divorced.
    4. There were other divorces in my family.
    5. There were terrible marriages in my family, including those of my Czernecki great-great-grandparents and Czarnecki great-grandparents.
    6. Take all five previous "Besides" points and Point Seven together, and I'm bound to be a divorce statistic. Also take that I was born disabled and (thus) into the lower level of the American de-facto caste system,  and you get that I'll be perpetually an alte moid  or someone's to-cheat-on "gimp" of a wife (and, yes, I have been called a "gimp").
The list goes on, but my point is that I'm one who needs a break from God. In other words, someone who needs a break from God is me, if there was or has been someone who needed a break from God. Otherwise, my life's going to amount to less than worthless--and I'm just looking at factual and statistical reality.

Besides, someone needs to get my family back together; someone needs to tell the stories of--e.g.--Vilmosz's side of the Rusznak Family, Great-Grandma Czarnecki, and Great-Granduncle Bernie; and someone needs to show that a lower-caste, born-disabled, broken-home, chanceless kid can overcome by God. 

Sunday, July 15, 2012

I Let My Enemies Get Me Sick...

Not good. I let my enemies depress me and, as I said, get me sick. My immune system got depressed and I have a friend who had a cold; thus, my immune system wasn't as strong and I caught my friend's cold. That anointing oil really does work is a good thing (I had my mom anoint me with some this afternoon.):

"Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord15 And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven."

To my enemies who claim to be Christians (but as a reminder to me and other Christians as well), by the way:

"Therefore lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls." (James 1:21, NKJV)