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Showing posts with label struggling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label struggling. Show all posts

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Recovering From a Cold & Depressiveness As I Make New Videos

I actually feel like going off in a corner and dying-- I just feel that hopeless and perhaps that sick from a cold. I probably caught a cold from my mom or someone at UMBC, but I know that I caught a cold either way. I also was depressed a lot during Valentine's Week, and I strained my throat at one point from holding my crying back because my roommate was around-- I didn't want to cry in front of her. Also, as my last two videos attest, my view on my Diasporan country (the United States) has changed significantly; and that changing my views is easy is just not the case-- last week, I still cried when I watched the "Star Spangled Banner" played on YouTube. But my changing views on America have been a long time coming, and I want either to make aliyah or be Raptured (at least preferably, and preferably be Raptured).

Also, I-- like my Ashkenazic Jewish dad-- struggle with my weight (We Jews are foodies; I'm not going to lie.), and I-- also like my estranged dad-- struggle with OCD/Anxiety, Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (and he has the more-severe form of Chron's, while his dad has in-remission Colon Cancer-- so I carry the BRCA1 gene), and ADD (for which I'm not on medication).

Meanwhile, I should be happy for Elizabeth Smart, but the news of her marriage reminds me of my own struggles (of which I highlighted examples)-- and the situation seems as if G-d's rubbing my struggles in my face. As I said in the video, take my Cerebral Palsy alone: what am I going to do when I'm beyond college? Have my mom help me with everything like showers?

Combine my Cerebral Palsy with everything else that I've gone through, and you'll get why I opined that  the situation with Elizabeth Smart seems as if G-d's rubbing my struggles in my face. Remember that Elizabeth Smart doesn't have a disability like mine (though, to be fair, she does have PTSD)-- she wasn't born with a disability. She also doesn't have (as far as I know) a disability like Cerebral Palsy combined with OCD/Anxiety, Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and/or ADD, or either one of the other disabilities that I have outside of the Cerebral Palsy.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

You Can Clearly See That I Try Not To Lie Or Pretend...

My last repost makes pretty clear that I don't pretend to be who I'm not. If I'm a hypocrite, I'll (at some point, anyway) come right out and say that I'm a hypocrite. There are certain things (e.g., thoughts and struggles) that I'd not reveal on this blog (at least for the time being), but (except for the white lies such as "I'm fine" when I'm really depressed out of my mind), I'm (usually pretty) honest about who I am.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I Will Never Talk About Chapelgate Presbyterian Church After This Again...

I have blogged all too copiously and extensively about Chapelgate. I have made my point unequivocally clear. I will never talk about Chapelgate again and do not want anyone here to talk about it unless you absolutely must-- which I assure that you probably musn't. If you'd had a bad experience with Chapelgate, however, feel free to share your experience on your own volition-- I will not pursue anyone to share anything and will also not publish anything that anyone does not want me to share.

As with Notre Dame, I once loved Chapelgate, was once a member of its community, and was very stunned to learn that it defines its own motto differently than I thought that its motto meant. Even though I now rank Notre Dame and Chapelgate as similar and a harbor a dislike for them in general, I still have to love and pray for them; and I certainly do not dislike or expect everyone there to hold themselves to account-- not everyone there has wronged me and my family, and anyone else. I can tell you that others besides me were wronged both at Notre Dame and Chapelgate, by the way; which is all I will further say besides that I draw parallels between Notre Dame and Chapelgate for good reasons.

I stand by everything which I have said about both Notre Dame and Chapelgate, even if I could've been more patient and civil in my tone. I mean only to be honest about both, especially Chapelgate at this time. An honest person is obviously about those about those who he or she loves, for good or bad. "Open rebuke is better [t]han love carefully concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, [b]ut the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." (Proverbs 27:5-6) 

But as I stated, I will never talk about Chapelgate Presbyterian Church after this again. Even if I lose friends over what I have said and over not talking about Chapelgate anymore, so be that "[t]he poor man is hated even by his own neighbor, [b]ut the rich has many friends." (Proverbs 14:20).

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I Can Only Bear So Much For So Long, And Am Extremely Patient Considering...

Isaiah 42:13-15

New King James Version (NKJV)
13 The LORD shall go forth like a mighty man;
      He shall stir up His zeal like a man of war.
      He shall cry out, yes, shout aloud;
      He shall prevail against His enemies.

Promise of the LORD’s Help
    14 “ I have held My peace a long time,
      I have been still and restrained Myself.
      Now I will cry like a woman in labor,
      I will pant and gasp at once.
       15 I will lay waste the mountains and hills,
      And dry up all their vegetation;
      I will make the rivers coastlands,
      And I will dry up the pools. 

Since the L-rd will get impatient, how much more a human? "‘The LORD is longsuffering and abundant in mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression; but He by no means clears the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation.’" (Numbers 14:18) Humans aren't like this, and I'm not the most-patient person in the world; and I can only take so much.

For example, at Notre Dame: I talked to Dr. Weiss, Dr. Berry, et. al. before telling Dr. Weiss "I'm tired of your Anti Semitism". I long had to hear how the Exodus was merely "an ancient peasant rebellion" according to Dr. Lyle Weiss, STD (who is no such position to be a Sacrae Theologiae doctor). I had to hear how the prophets may've been possibly inspired by the devil when a girl asked if that the prophets may have been so inspired was possible. And when my mom came in, I had her stay out of it until that awful conference with Dr. Franklin, Sister Sharon Kanis, and hoodwinking Melissa Lees (who made herself seem like she was against Drs. Weiss and Berry, and the whole RST Department, were teaching).

Also re Chapelgate: the only thing that I regret is ever apologizing to Mike Khandjian when he called the Ark of the Covenant "a holy piece of furniture" and I apologized for confronting him. Never will I apologize for confronting someone when they call what held the Ten Commandments and the Mercy Seat "a holy piece of furniture" again. And Cathy Dallwig (as far as I know) was in church that day. Where was the Caring Coordinator when Jewish members had to face an Anti-Semitic attack from the pastor? How caring is to say to Jews, in other words, "Your Ark of the Covenant was nothing more than a piece of furniture"?

And then the ride thing, of course. Imagine that I not to come to church for so long because I committed suicide or died of a disability-related accident? Can the dead reach out and ask for help? A Caring Coordinator or Director of Caring is supposed to notice when a member doesn't show up for a while, care that the member's not showing up, reach out to the member, and say, "Hey; you haven't shown up to church for a while. Is everything okay?"

I am more than patient; I just don't tolerate b***s***. 

For Any Jew, Disabled Person, and Divorcee or Child Thereof, I Do Not Recommend Chapelgate Presbyterian Church...

Being a Jewish child of divorce with Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy, I actually recommend against Chapelgate Presbyterian Church. Having experienced quite the opposite of "Healing, Renewal, Peace"; I can tell you that I experienced hurt, apostasy, and chaos. I vowed not to run from Chapelgate; but as stands, I more than consider myself churchless at this point, and for good reason as many other people (including fellow Messianic Jews) do. By the way, I leave apostate Chapelgate with the following from the non-apostate New King James Version (since the NIV has been proven to be utmostly apostate):

The Lukewarm Church
14 “And to the angel of the church of the Laodiceans[f] write, 
‘These things says the Amen, the Faithful and True Witness, the Beginning of the creation of God: 15 “I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. 16 So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot,[g] I will vomit you out of My mouth. 17 Because you say, ‘I am rich, have become wealthy, and have need of nothing’—and do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked— 18 I counsel you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, that you may be rich; and white garments, that you may be clothed, that the shame of your nakedness may not be revealed; and anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see. 19 As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore be zealous and repent. 20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me. 21 To him who overcomes I will grant to sit with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. 
22 “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.”’”

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Why I'm Not Running From Chapelgate Presbyterian Church, Even Though...

The pastor hates me. He's a real Anti Semite and hates that I confronted him over calling the Ark of the Covenant "a holy piece of furniture" and that I once mentioned on Facebook that Togarmah (Armenia) is mentioned in Ezekiel 38. But I didn't ask ol' Mike Khandjian whether a disabled, mixed-blooded Jew is welcome to Chapelgate or not. Meanwhile, I take that apology for confronting him back. The Ark of the Covenant is no piece of furniture.

I also didn't ask the rest of the congregation whether a disabled, mixed-blooded Jew and child of divorce with an abusive and estranged dad could stay. I was already forced to run when I was in elementary school from Christ Episcopal Church in Columbia, Maryland over a whole bunch of issues that I later found out about, though I knew that the former interim pastor Peter was homosexual and actively homosexual. I'm not running from another church.

And I'm a coward for caving in to some family pressure by saying Kaddish and not talking about Dad, Pop-Pop, etc.. I'm not caving in on Chapelgate Presbyterian Church.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

So Kislev 1, 5771 is Today, And...

Firstly, Nehemia Gordon saw HaChodesh l'Kislev b'Yerushalayim today; so November 26, 2011 marks Kislev 1, 5771. Secondly, I can start marking the Yom b'Ivri on my political cartoons if and once I pick them up again in the morning (I've been busy, depressed, etc. of late; and the last political cartoon that I did was before Thanksgiving.). Thirdly, I still have no new cell phone or enough votes on my Stats project, and I have other things to get and do besides my Stats project.

To the compassionless (including the compassionless disabled people) who tell me to take my lemons and make them into lemonade; you have no idea of what having Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy with OCD/Anxiety/Depression/possible Aspberger's, a house with a divorced-and-working mom and much of a meshuge mispoche on my unsupportive and estranged dad's side, and a whole bunch of other thorns in the flesh and hardships in life to deal with is like.

Even sexual abuse victims get some sympathy and compassion-- even jail and prison inmates hate sexual criminals. Me, I walk well enough for everybody; I talk well enough for everybody, and I seem to deal with enough well enough for everybody; so I walk and talk alone-- or mostly alone, even among friends and family. I'm not piteous or in need of compassion enough for them to help me with what I have on my plate.

Chalilah that they should touch the Jew with Cerebral Palsy, crazy Crypto-Jewish grandparents, and a whole host of other matters and people to deal with. Chalilah for some of them that they should deal with a Messianic Jew.

So I walk alone-- and sometimes or even often worse than rejected by G-d and man alike.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Sometimes, I'm Lonelier When I'm Not Alone (As the Saying Goes)...

I have a mom who agrees with Rep. Michelle Bachmann's irresponsible comment that "Congress has more important things to pay attention to" re Penn State and Jerry Sandusky, a sister who'll vote for Ron Paul, and a whole bunch of friends and acquaintances (and other loved ones) who don't know half of the backstory of what I've been through. Then I have insensitive people-- disabled and non disabled alike-- telling me to make lemonade out of the lemons which life has given me. So, they can get and have the juicer, or can peel and squeeze the lemons-- good for them.

And you wonder why I haven't-- albeit selfishly-- been tempted to commit suicide?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Can We End Hunger and Poverty? Not In This Lifetime...

Mark 14:6-9

New King James Version (NKJV)

6 But Jesus said, “Let her alone. Why do you trouble her? She has done a good work for Me. 7 For you have the poor with you always, and whenever you wish you may do them good; but Me you do not have always. 8 She has done what she could. She has come beforehand to anoint My body for burial. 9 Assuredly, I say to you, wherever this gospel is preached in the whole world, what this woman has done will also be told as a memorial to her.”


John 12

New King James Version (NKJV)

1 Then, six days before the Passover, Jesus came to Bethany, where Lazarus was who had been dead,[a] whom He had raised from the dead. 2 There they made Him a supper; and Martha served, but Lazarus was one of those who sat at the table with Him. 3 Then Mary took a pound of very costly oil of spikenard, anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped His feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the oil.
4 But one of His disciples, Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, who would betray Him, said, 5 “Why was this fragrant oil not sold for three hundred denarii[b] and given to the poor?” 6 This he said, not that he cared for the poor, but because he was a thief, and had the money box; and he used to take what was put in it.
7 But Jesus said, “Let her alone; she has kept[c] this for the day of My burial. 8 For the poor you have with you always, but Me you do not have always.”

Luke 7:36-40

New King James Version (NKJV)

A Sinful Woman Forgiven
36 Then one of the Pharisees asked Him to eat with him. And He went to the Pharisee’s house, and sat down to eat. 37 And behold, a woman in the city who was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at the table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of fragrant oil, 38 and stood at His feet behind Him weeping; and she began to wash His feet with her tears, and wiped them with the hair of her head; and she kissed His feet and anointed them with the fragrant oil. 39 Now when the Pharisee who had invited Him saw this, he spoke to himself, saying, “This Man, if He were a prophet, would know who and what manner of woman this is who is touching Him, for she is a sinner.”
40 And Jesus answered and said to him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.”
So he said, “Teacher, say it.”
We know that this Mary was Miryam Ha'Achot-Eliezer v'Marta. Another Mary, Miryam m'Migdal, was healed of seven demons (cf. Mark 16:9, Luke 8:2). And they weren't taken out of all their pain, hunger, and suffering right away. But something kept them going. A most-important hunger and thirst was fulfilled. What was it? Hatoldah shel HaShomronit Yehudit can tell you:
 A woman of Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give Me a drink.” 8 For His disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.
9 Then the woman of Samaria said to Him, “How is it that You, being a Jew, ask a drink from me, a Samaritan woman?” For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.
10 Jesus answered and said to her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you
living water.” 11 The woman said to Him, “Sir, You have nothing to draw with, and the well is deep. Where then do You get that living water? 12 Are You greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well, and drank from it himself, as well as his sons and his livestock?”
13 Jesus answered and said to her, “Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, 14 but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”
15 The woman said to Him, “Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst, nor come here to draw.”

(A Parsha Katan: Mayim L'Chaim)

The Bread from Heaven
22 On the following day, when the people who were standing on the other side of the sea saw that there was no other boat there, except that one which His disciples had entered,[c] and that Jesus had not entered the boat with His disciples, but His disciples had gone away alone— 23 however, other boats came from Tiberias, near the place where they ate bread after the Lord had given thanks— 24 when the people therefore saw that Jesus was not there, nor His disciples, they also got into boats and came to Capernaum, seeking Jesus. 25 And when they found Him on the other side of the sea, they said to Him, “Rabbi, when did You come here?”
26 Jesus answered them and said, “Most assuredly, I say to you, you seek Me, not because you saw the signs, but because you ate of the loaves and were filled. 27 Do not labor for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to everlasting life, which the Son of Man will give you, because God the Father has set His seal on Him.”
28 Then they said to Him, “What shall we do, that we may work the works of God?”
29 Jesus answered and said to them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He sent.”
30 Therefore they said to Him, “What sign will You perform then, that we may see it and believe You? What work will You do? 31 Our fathers ate the manna in the desert; as it is written, ‘He gave them bread from heaven to eat.’[d]
32 Then Jesus said to them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, Moses did not give you the bread from heaven, but My Father gives you the true bread from heaven. 33 For the bread of God is He who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.”
34 Then they said to Him, “Lord, give us this bread always.”
35 And Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to Me shall never hunger, and he who believes in Me shall never thirst. 36 But I said to you that you have seen Me and yet do not believe. 37 All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out. 38 For I have come down from heaven, not to do My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me. 39 This is the will of the Father who sent Me, that of all He has given Me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up at the last day. 40 And this is the will of Him who sent Me, that everyone who sees the Son and believes in Him may have everlasting life; and I will raise him up at the last day.”

(A Parsha Katan: Lechem M'Shamayim)

As for me, I've admittedly had to Google and otherwise online-wise learn HaLashon shel Avoti; since I myself (as I've explained several times) never got the chance to get Ivrit or Yidish passed down to me. But that's a part of the hunger and thirst that I've had to have fulfilled: first coming to Mashiach and then having to discover b'Ezrat Mashiach a heritage and a chosenness that I missed for much of my life-- and a heritage that is much more fulfilling than the Anusi, Self-Hating heritage that my dad and his parents (and much of our family) had, has, and sadly continues to have lived with.

So I in my own situation-- as both Miryams and the Shomronit Yehudit learned in their own situations-- that one may not be able to end physical or other hungers right away and in this lifetime; but one can-- b'Ezrat Mashiach-- fulfill spiritual hunger, which is the most-important hunger to fulfill.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Even Though I Want To Find the One, I Want To Be Sure That I've Found the One

Of course, I can't fast and pray like the comedian Nazareth did-- I have medication issues. And I can't stalk someone to the bathroom and claim that the urge to stalk him was from the Holy Spirit like Michael W. Smith claimed that stalking Deborah was a call from G-d. I also can't go on,,,

"1 Corinthians 7:26-28

New King James Version (NKJV)

26 I suppose therefore that this is good because of the present distress—that it is good for a man to remain as he is: 27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. 28 But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you."

Besides, I have Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and possible Aspberger's-- I need someone to provide and care for me. But I can't go out of my way to deliberately seek a spouse or fast like the comedian Nazareth-- or stalk someone like Michael W. Smith and claim that the stalking is from G-d. 

What If We Have To Wait Another 400-430 Years? But No Other Generation Saw Israel Reborn...

To watch the world and those in it in the states that they are in (Try saying that a few times. But in all seriousness, watching the world's and the Church's states) is depressing. Parsha Lekh L'kha gives a scary idea:

Genesis 15:12-16

New King James Version (NKJV)

12 Now when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and behold, horror and great darkness fell upon him. 13 Then He said to Abram: “Know certainly that your descendants will be strangers in a land that is not theirs, and will serve them, and they will afflict them four hundred years. 14 And also the nation whom they serve I will judge; afterward they shall come out with great possessions. 15 Now as for you, you shall go to your fathers in peace; you shall be buried at a good old age. 16 But in the fourth generation they shall return here, for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet complete.”

Following up on that is an excerpt from Shemot:

Exodus 12:39-41

New King James Version (NKJV)

39 And they baked unleavened cakes of the dough which they had brought out of Egypt; for it was not leavened, because they were driven out of Egypt and could not wait, nor had they prepared provisions for themselves.
40 Now the sojourn of the children of Israel who lived in Egypt[a]was four hundred and thirty years. 41 And it came to pass at the end of the four hundred and thirty years—on that very same day—it came to pass that all the armies of the LORD went out from the land of Egypt.

So there were only 30 years of freedom in Mitzrayim:

Exodus 1:5-10

New King James Version (NKJV)

5 All those who were descendants[a] of Jacob were seventy[b] persons (for Joseph was in Egypt already). 6 And Joseph died, all his brothers, and all that generation. 7 But the children of Israel were fruitful and increased abundantly, multiplied and grew exceedingly mighty; and the land was filled with them.
8 Now there arose a new king over Egypt, who did not know Joseph. 9 And he said to his people, “Look, the people of the children of Israel are more and mightier than we; 10 come, let us deal shrewdly with them, lest they multiply, and it happen, in the event of war, that they also join our enemies and fight against us, and so go up out of the land.”

And there are roughly 10 of 30 weeks of years (300 years) before Hell breaks loose: 1517, the Reformation officially begins; 1815, the Congress of Vienna and the first one-world government. But also, 1517-1917 (The U.S. officially enters WWI.) or 1492-1892 (The Inquisition begins, then the Ellis Island Era begins.). WWI broke out on July 28, 1914, and then the Great Depression began on October 24 ("Black Thursday"), 1929.

 In between those times, Prorto Zionism and Zionism begin, really kicking off in the 1850s (when Messianic Judaism is first officially recognized, according to Dr. David Stern and others) to the 1900s (And actually, Herzl enters the scene in or after 1892 re the Dreyfus Affair.).

No other generation before the 1850s-1950s, and especially the 1890s-1940s, saw the refounding-- the teshuvah v'aliyah-- of Israel. And since there were 400 years between Yeshua and the last of the Nevi'im before Yeshua; you'd think that 1517-1917 (or even 1518-1918, October 31, 1518 - November 11, 1918; if you want to count the First Anniversary of the Reformation to Armistice Day) or 1492-1892 would be painfully enough.

But Yehezkel 38 re Persia is getting ready to happen any day (It's happened with Put v'Kush.), and yet still no Rapture. Do you see why I get depressed in part now?

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I Should Definitely Blog About the Addictions Thing, Meanwhile...

I won't elaborate on the inappropriate sexual thoughts here, since some of them could get me further shunned and for the fact that there may be children or teenagers reading this blog (as if teenagers don't have sexual thoughts... but I still want to be a good example for the younger adults and legally-considered-to-be children. I'm well into being a bat mitzvah-- some of these young a just became bnei v'banot mitzvah.).

As for the other addictions, they can be read about on my Twitter (@Nickidewbear) and heard about in a YouTube video which should have led some of you here. I'll blog more b'haboker (and blogging daily or almost daily is a commitment, one which can partly affect one to be worn out). L'Laila v'L'Erev Shabbat Tovim.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Speaking of Great-Grandma Czarnecki And En El Primero de Novembre de 2011...

Y en el Dia de Los Muertos 2011, I think of and remember Great-Grandma Czarnecki. I think of the woman who was my great-grandma and who I took for granted all those times that we visited her at Apartment 214, 10 E South Street in Wilkes Barre. I think of the woman whose history I never knew or took time to knew-- so she's Pop-Pop's mom, Great-Granddad's widow, the one who's Lithuanian (I assumed from what I was told.). I think of the woman whose life came to a cold, callous end in a hospital with its possessor's leg amputated and with a murder-malice-intenting son who committed Social Security in it.

I think of the good Jewish Evagelical Catholic mother and wife, aunt and sister, and daughter who I've learned so much about since she's been gone-- the daughter of a gentile Trudniak and Jewish Catholic Monkaova of Kacwin and Lapsze Nizne, Poland (both then in Slovakian Austria Hungary), the mother (and grandmother and great-grandmother) of Jews herself ("And in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.”"; "and in your seed all the nations of the earth shall be blessed;"-- and if she didn't know, she'd at least be tickled to know that her seed and her mother's seed are also descendants of at least many of the nations of the earth); the wife, aunt, grandaunt, great-grandaunt, and otherwise a relative of a diverse Jewish family

(e.g., I don't think that she'd care anymore that her son Tony's wife is Irish-- she didn't like that Grandaunt Mary Ellen is Irish. Maybe she wanted, but just never said that she wanted, Granduncle Tony to marry a good Jewish girl-- particularly an Ashkenazic Jewish Catholic girl, Anusit or open about her Jewishness-- and not make the same mistake that she did and marry a meshugener, who would've been a meshugene in Granduncle Tony's case. V'chalilah when Pop-Pop married Grandma-- she did not like her. She even cut her out of a picture and replaced her with a Christmas tree.).

And looking back on all I've learned and all that I saw for myself, especially in a Jewish context; I see an elter-bubbie for whom I will pursue tzedek-- "Tzedek, tzedek, tirdof."-- and let her son learn that of all things that he's done, (so to speak) stepping all over his good Jewish Christian mama is one thing with which he will not get away.

I am a Monkaova Trudniak, no question.
Great-Grandma Czarnecki her grandson Gary on my dad's first wedding day, July 22, 1989. This is how I remember her-- except that she was much older when I met her.
At Dad's baptism. Great-Granddad is next to her.
She is holding Aunt Mary, Great-Granddad next to her and holding Dad. Granduncle Red is on the right, Granduncle Jim next to Great-Grandma.

Great-Grandma Czarnecki on her wedding day, May 10, 1934. I should've known-- she was too pretty to be just Slovakian.
With mama Anna Trudniak nee Monkaova

I'm Doing A Little Better, And It'll Be A Day-To-Day-Thing...

A day-to-day and pray-to-pray thing. Having Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy plus OCD/Anxiety/Depression and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (and the BRCA1 gene), plus being a "mamzerah" Jewish American in a culture and in communities that don't accept Jews-- especially Messianic Jews-- is hard. Add having an imperfect-- e.g., covetous, adulterous, faithless, hopeless, hypocritical-- human nature to all that, and you've got a situation where a day-to-day, pray-to-pray thing is needed. Also, I'm still living with Great-Grandma Gaydos' avodah koferah (If you think that we have Vilmosz's et. al.'s blood removed from our hands-- although Vilmosz and others did survive-- you're meshuga: you don't understand what guilt down to the third and fourth generations is). And I'm living with Great-Grandma Czarnecki's blood because of Pop-Pop's avoda kofer and how he is left unprosecuted after almost five years.

So as a disabled, trying-to-figure-out-my-identity-as-a-Jew Jew and Jewish-American Christian with more than just Cerebral Palsy and meshuges un tsuris in di mispoche to deal with; I have a long, painful way and road to go-- though prayers have been answered so far, even if (over the years) not always in ways in which I'd've liked them to be answered.

Piano Lessons (And Calling Myself To the Carpet Is A Process)

In piano lessons today and during other times, I realize that I freak out and am not as focued as I should be on the music. Per my OCD/Anxiety/Depression and possible Aspberger's-- and non-medicated AD(H)D--, I can't stay as fully focused. I think about getting through practice as quickly as possible, or at least trying to, and being like the others who can (so to speak) churn out something like Bach's "Prelude in A Minor" in a minute or two (I can't play as fastly because of my Cerebral Palsy.). I worry about what other people will think, even if and though they're not in the practice room. For example, on the cover of the "American Soldier" sheet music is a picture of Toby Keith-- it's almost or somewhat like Toby is there and watching me-- and what would he think? (As I said, calling myself to the carpet, including sharing my weirder thoughts, is a process.)

And I don't practice as much as I should. Due to OCD, etc. and escapism, etc.; I just don't practice as much as I should-- I practice in small spurts, too-small spurts. And during my spurts, I often have the computer in my room by me. And as I said,  I think about getting through practice as quickly as possible, or at least trying to, and being like the others who can (so to speak) churn out something like Bach's "Prelude in A Minor" in a minute or two-- and get to their computers and go on Facebook or whatever.

I'll, unless by some miracle, never be Mozart, Beethoven, or Sallieri.

Monday, October 31, 2011

As I Said, I Do Not Sugarcoat and Am Calling Myself To the Carpet, Even If I Get Shunned...

And you know, people like me when I didn't sugarcoat the first time-- when, for example, I talked about what I knew about my family history (which keeps slowly and shockingly unfolding before me-- now if only either the Rapture, some crisis that'll make Dad or Pop-Pop or someone else confess what he, or she, knows; or the AG and Luzerne County DA hurry up and prosecute Pop-Pop. Once the Jack Czarnecki that either everyone dreads and dislikes or fears and likes moves out of the way, someone will talk-- and he brought his own downfall by committing Social Security fraud and murder-malice action).

Incidentally, this reminds me that Great-Great-Granddad Rusnak was born today in 1877 (P'rushi Cheshvan 25, 5638). Hopefully, he wasn't an SOB like his kapo daughter was a Holocaust enabler and his grandson-in-law was a murderer (and as I said, I still have to say that Great-Grandma Czarnecki still doesn't have justice nearly five years later-- nor does the family who Pop-Pop and others hid a lot from and caused a lot of pain to).

In this lifetime, I won't get over what quite a few in my family did in a lot of ways-- and that's why I call them out. And that's why I call myself out: I don't want to be like them. I want to be honest about the imperfect and hypocritical human being that I am with imperfect and many hypocritical or hypocrisy-tainted thoughts, reservations, intentions, etc.

I told you (and G-d) about quite a bit of what was on my heart and in my mind; and there's a lot more for which I would and will get shunned-- besides for being disabled, of course; but being disabled plus all that will get me shunned more.

And I don't (or at least I try not to) hide that I'm probably in a lot of trouble for being human, and I might get hurt for being human and being honest about being human. But so what? As I said about Mitt Romney versus Hermain Cain, "I'd rather have a self-admitted-imperfect candidate like Mitt Romney than any seemingly-too-good-to-be-true person on the Presidential ticket any day"-- which means that in any given situation, I'd rather have a self-admitted-imperfect person than any seemingly-too-good-to-be-true person any day.

People, I'm Realistic; I'm Not Just a Disabled Depressive Who's a Pessimist

And it ain't just what I described in the video. Oh, I've read the horror stories-- e.g., one non-disabled girl was laughed at and ignored by boys in her church because of her breast size. Also, the actress from "Facts of Life" (I stand corrected for saying "Different Strokes")-- her story didn't end like J.R. Martinez's did, and she was born with a disability: she couldn't have gone and served, let alone bravely gotten injured, in the military if she wanted to.

I appreciate and value who I am in the eyes of even the Church and G-d, or else I wouldn't be honest about it: I'd pretend that everything's going to be okay, and that everything work out like it does for a typical person or even for Cinderella. As I said, I wouldn't be honest about who I am if I didn't value and appreciate it; and valuing and appreciating it means accepting it and accepting the reality of it, and accepting the reality (even the cold, bitter reality) that it brings and has brought.

I'm Probably In Big Trouble For Some of My Confessions...

I know that I should be thankful for some things (After all, that was a heck of a blog prayer to write.), but now I'm probably (maybe I'm freaking out,  probably) for the worst being followed on Twitter by Geraldo Rivera's producer-- I'm probably being watched like a hawk watches a mouse or a bear watches whoever goes after its young.

This is why I surprisingly, for wanting to bring so much to light, don't confess a lot of my own thoughts, reservations, etc.-- if and when I do, I usually get shunned or in trouble for them as though I'm worse than anyone else. I admit that I'm imperfect, which is part of why I fight to have a moral compass-- having one makes easier that a brother or sister (or other fellow human being) should not be affected or effected to stumble. But I normally don't confess things lest I get shunned for them-- and I normally do.

If I Were To Write A Quick Blog Prayer To G-d, Well...

Let me for once have a break. Sure, I've had blessings; and I'm not asking for my thorns in the flesh to be taken away-- in fact, I've dreaded what'll happen if you do. You'll make me give up politics and go into math and science, for example; because then I won't have CP and OCD and be physically healed and able to go into math and science. In fact, you didn't take Paul's thorns in the flesh away-- or Nick Vujvicic's. Let me at least manage my OCD, etc. for once.

I could go on and on, but this is why I don't pray a lot-- not long prayers, anyway. Besides, you can read my thoughts; and you have answered my prayers, and many not always in a way which I've liked or prayed for.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

When You're Like Me; Suicide Is Still Awfully Tempting No Matter How Painful It Is

And maybe that's part of suicide's appeal-- the pain, the selfishness. For example, some people say that would miss me if I committed suicide-- boy, would I like to come back and see them put their money where there mouth is (I almost typed "mouth where their money is", but maybe that, too.). Besides, if they want me around so badly (and with all due respect and deference, STFU if you want to start kvetching about how this is typical suicidal talk, etc.; you will utz me):

  1. Why do they treat me like they'd rather me be dead? And while they're at it; some of them hate me because I'm on the lowest of the lowest, of the lowest of the lowest rung of the social ladder in general society-- the disabled. For example, I have Cerebral Palsy (Diplegic Spastia); and I don't hear anyone talking about Julie Cirella anymore-- in fact, I almost suspect that some think that Julie Cirella's mother did the right and honorable thing. But they sure as Heaven and Hell wouldn't say that if Julie Cirella weren't disabled (and forget that she's Black-- her disability, not her ethnicity, is what makes her less honored than Caylee Anthony, Leiby Kletzky-- of whom I am a fellow Israelite--, and the Coleman boys, for example.).
  2. Why do some of them try to contol my life and otherwise abuse (including ignore and withhold important information, including documents) from me, knowing that they damned well couldn't do that if I weren't disabled? FYI, Dad; were I not disabled, you never would've gotten away with even some of your physical abuse, let alone (among other actions) your verbal and other non-physical abuse and withholding that Great-Granddad Czarnecki and Great-Great-Granddad Foczko both committed suicide (which would have explained why I tried to commit suicide-- people without a history of suicide and/or other significant issues in their family and other history don't attempt or threaten suicide).
  3. Same question above, except my prime example-- my thought policewoman of a mother. You damned well know, Mom, that you would never try to control what I at 21 years old say, do, etc. if I weren't disabled and had prospects. And I'm sorrowed (Why should I be "sorry"? I'm not apologizing for having my own thoughts, etc. at 21; so I'm sorrowed)  that, for example, my being proud of my Jewish heritage (no matter how unproud of it Dad and his family are) isn't your cup of tea. Besides, see if I ever tweet about anything that you might need prayer for or any appreciation of anything that you do or go through again-- after all, you "don't want to live [your] life out in the public venue".
I could give more examples, but I think that being on the most-times-over-lowest-of-the-lowest rung of the social ladder and easily abusable because of my Cerebral Palsy is an understandable reason for why I'm still often quite tempted to commit selfish suicide-- rub the pain that they've affected and effected in, and get the last laugh ("See you suckers! I'll be in Heaven; you'll still be here!").