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Showing posts with label effects. Show all posts
Showing posts with label effects. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Some Examples Of Effects Of When Losses Of Relationships, Whether In Life Or Due To Death, Still Affect Someone After A Long Time

The reason that I write this entry, by the way, is because I'm thinking about—among other relationships that I've lost—a relationship with a dear friend and a writing mentor that I've lost—and one effect of that is that I can't finish the manuscript of the next book on which I'm working*. Losses of relationships like that can be paralyzing, and it's paralyzing in this case because he or she was one of the three friends whom inspired me to even write the book.

As far as other examples of effects because of other relationships which I've lost, and examples to which I'm sure others can relate:

  1. Death of family members does indeed bring about the inability to know about and discover parts of yourself and your history. For example, I never got to know the Jewish Mary Trudnak Czarnecki (z"l) about whom I might've had a clue had I thought about staying in touch with her (e.g., That story that she told Mom about spitting on a neighbor's line-drying sheets would've been fully understood before had I know that she's an Ashkenazi Jew whom had the misfortune of living next to her shanda-fur-die-goyim in-law brother Susi, whom Granduncle Tony [z"l] called "an SOB" for understandable reasons. To spit re someone or something horrid is a minhag Ashkenazi, as I later learned, by the way.)
  2. Per the example above, I also never knew that she died under horrible circumstances, and only after I reconnected with another relative find and figure out how horrid they were. Great-Grandma, I think, passed down much of my Yiddishkeit to me, whether she knew or didn't know that she did, by the way.
  3. Even losses of toxic relationships and/or other relationships whose endings are not your fault can bring bad effects, such as apprehension about your reputation and the effects thereof. For instance, being stalked on even LinkedIn by the sister of my sister's ex boyfriend was not at all fun—that caused an exacerbation in my Depression which carried over into the first year of Reilly's being home. Also, I still wonder what lies the ex boyfriend's family are telling about me and who those lies have reached—for all I know, I could come into contact with an HR manager whom has been told that I'm a crazy troublemaker by the family, and he or she doesn't know that (for instance) the now-ex boyfriend was "reenacting" as a Nazi ("German soldier") and has some very-Anti-Semitic friends (one of whom directed a "Heil ******, b****" slur at me when I confronted him.).
  4. Losses of relationships due or at least partly due to mistakes that you've made can have the same and/or similar effects as the losses of relationships for which you had and have no fault. I'm still dealing with, for instance, bringing up that another cousin's hospitalization is due partly to our assimilation—I should've known, e.g., that a certain family member would ignore that Ashkenazi Jewish systems are not designed to digest and process what treif food we've picked up eating over the years; and I should've known that this same family member would defend "Grandma" (to me, Great-Grandma) Gaydos re Vilmosz (z"l v'HY"D).
I could give more examples of relationship-loss types and effects thereof, though I've written enough to get my point across to you. Besides, writing all of this has a bad side, which includes distress from bad memories and a distress-affected IBS flareup.

*By the way, the first book can be looked at, at Amazon and MoreBooks.De. I've made nothing from them yet and don't want to do so until I'm sure that, e.g., I can pay my student loans off and have a secure future—being a living-at-home, single, disabled, and 26-year-old two-time-ex-girlfriend (with each ex boyfriend being men with whom I had to break up and on whom I had to call the police) sucks—nothing about, e.g., being almost $25K in student debt and a person with C.P. and comorbid conditions (including Depression) is glamorous. 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Why I've Not Exactly Been In The Game For a While

  1. I, so to speak, needed to let the fields fallow over for a while, anyway. Neither overplanting nor overharvesting are good.
  2. I've really hardly yielded results. I was actually amazed when, e.g., Donna Foley Marby actually thanked me for the defense of her and her book "Maude". As far as I can tell, I hardly ever yield results like that. Besides, I expect what I usually yield—backlash! After a while, that "damned if you do, damned if you don't, and damned if you neither do nor don't" conundrum just brings ennui at best and an exacerbation of Depression at worst—and I have admitted that the only reason that I have not taken Great-Granddad's path is because I would not want to risk the negative effects of surviving an attempt to go down his path.
  3. I've been busy with Reilly—another reason, by the way, as to why I haven't taken Great-Granddad's path.
  4. I've been busy with dealing with my Depression and other matters.
  5. Today, I woke up with a cold and muscle aches.
I assure you, by the way, that I'm not the only one who's in my kind of situation. People in similar situations, e.g.:

  1. Need to let their fields fallow over once in a while as well.
  2. Feel ennui, melancholy (or exacerbation of Depression), and/or even worse if they feel that their attempts at tikun ha'olam don't yield anything, let alone anything good—whether for themselves or, most importantly, others.
  3. Sometimes have outside commitments and circumstances. 
Incidentally, the coming year is HaShanah shel HaSh'mitah b'Eretz Yisra'el.