My Own 25th Birthday, And a Scary Realization...

Now I'm 25 years old by both Biblical and Gregorian standards. Meanwhile, I (no pun intended) am stopped dead in my tracks by a horrifying realization: I am as old as Great-Granddad Czarnecki was when the 1929 Great Depression happened. Also, I just read about the hardly-explained suicide of Madison Holleran—and all while I had been browsing to find out the age of a public figure whose age was not given on Wikipedia. One thing really can lead to another!

At that point, reading about Miss Holleran's suicide led to my reading comments about it—including the evil-hearted one from "Bc". Typing a response to him made me realize (at least more of) what happened to Great-Granddad, etc. (Incidentally—or maybe not—the day-and-date scheme was the same in 1964 as it was in 2014. By the way, "50" and "25" are multiples of "25" and "five". The numbers in it all, too. Needless to say, numbers and patterns alone should prove that there are no coincidences in life.):

That's easy for you to say. Could you go in back in time and, e.g., talk to my Great-Granddad Czarnecki:

Born on October 24, 1904, he was a pogrom survivor who had to become a Crypto Jew, who lost his father (who, by the way, was an alcoholic and a terrible husband) when he was 17 going on 18, his sister Regina when he was 20 (and she was 16. She died of cholera [sic.].), his mother when he was 31 going on 32 (after he already had a complicated relationship with her), his firstborn son, and his youngest brother (who was a Holocaust victim whose cause of death was murder due to serving in the U.S. Military and being fatally injured by a Nazi soldier. He took almost 18 years to die, by the way, since that's how botched the surgery to remove the shrapnel from his head was; and he died from a schizophrenic reaction and a coronary occlusion). He also lost other siblings, all of whom died when they were infants.

Add to that, that he lost his three right middle toes and his leg up to his knee when he worked as a lawnmower operator at an apartment complex (and because he lost his previous job in the hard-hit Sugar Notch, Pennsylvania coal mines). The job losses and limb loss either affected the onset of or exacerbated his Depression, for which the medication that he took was ineffective.

So, after 60 years, a month, a week, and a day of pain (i.e., 21,954 days of pain), he attempted suicide; and although his attempt didn't work and he changed his mind at the last minute, his death certificate reads that he died of suicide by drowning.

By the way, the Great Depression began on his 9,131st day (his 25th birthday). He also had other pain (that is, besides what I mentioned, including how his 25th birthday was marred and the Pogrom of Pogroms thus far at that time—the Holocaust—began on that day).

You tell me, then, how willing he was to consider that, e.g., "tomorrow is another to borrow the words of some one else". Your lack of critical thinking, empathy, and compassion astounds me.

What a sobering reality! By the way, let me add what I originally commented:

Sure; expectations of perfection, etc. can affect the onset of Depression and suicide affected by Depression. Frankly, though, it does seem unusual (even weird). What didn't Madison tell?

By the way, I know that this isn't about me; although I have Depression, and my father's paternal grandfather, the maternal grandfather of my father's maternal grandmother, and two maternal uncles of father's maternal grandmother all committed suicide. My father's sister attempted suicide as well, and I ended up in Sheppard Pratt for threatening suicide (and there are days where the temptation of suicide still assails me.

So, I know from experience that more than just expectations of perfection, etc. had to be in play. Incidentally, I have never seen my great-granddad's suicide note; and I figured out that my great-grandmother's maternal grandfather (who was in his 50s when he died) committed suicide because I noted that two of his six sons (and two of his seven children) committed suicide (so, mathematically, for him to not commit suicide would have been impossible.

I will add other links later [6:04 PM EST].

The links have been added [10:45 PM EST].

An Epiphany That Occurred To Me Only After My Last Blog Entry...

With All Due Respect To Survivors Of Suicide (Even Myself, You Have To Remember)...

I had to laugh in my head when someone talked about losing her friend to the "dark tunnel of suicide"--she, like others, talks about how suicide is "difficult" for the survivors. Survivors of suicide like her (even if they don't say it) also think about how suicide is selfish, etc..

Well, firstly, the "dark tunnel of suicide" wasn't that dark for him--he committed suicide! Besides, secondly, like he probably thought, I'm thinking more and more that I agree with the sentiments (and I've--when I've Googled "Why shouldn't I commit suicide?", for example--seen and/or picked up the sentiments) that:

1. Suicide may not be that damned selfish after all.
2. The survivors may be being the ones who are selfish--who are they really crying for, after all? (By the way, Wayman Tisdale did not commit suicide, but you get the point.)
3. Since people are complaining about population control, it wouldn't (or at least shouldn't) kill you (pun intended) if we kill ourselves, anyway. After all, you sure don't feel--or at least act like you feel--that losing us would kill you while we're still alive--or at least most of the time, you don't. In fact, you usually act quite the opposite way while we're alive--that is, that you'd even want to see us gone and are just too tactically polite to say that. Even, for instance, while the one person talked about how her loved one "was close to me and all his friends and family" and was a "great friend", the loved one sure didn't feel like he was--or why else would he have committed suicide? Or maybe he felt like he was on his end but not on his loved ones' ends--after all, why didn't he stick around if he truly felt like he was loved by his loved ones.
4. Since you don't care for or even want us around while we're around and alive, that we'd be no longer around or alive would be better for all parties. Besides, you can really put your sentiments behind your "I miss you when you're not around" and "I'll always love you" words when we're really not around.
5. Suicidal people and suicide committers may, in some senses, be ahead of their time. For example, my great-granddad committed suicide on the day that Mario Savio spoke and helped usher in Jacob's Trouble--and he had seen enough of Jacob's Trouble on the horizon in his day. By the way, in case anyone's asking, I did tweet that I gained a whole new respect for Great Granddad for that in a perhaps-perverse since.
6. Since, again, you don't care for or even want us around while we're around and alive, that we'd be no longer around or alive would be better for all parties. After all, if and/or since we're really that much trouble to you while we're alive and around, we'd be putting an end to both our and your miseries if we decided to commit suicide. Also, again, that'd solve your population-control issue.
7. Since we may be well ahead of our time and you don't want us around, quit your (for a lack of a better term and with all due respect) bitching--we're perhaps even escaping to Heaven. Even if we're not, we were predestined for Hell (where you at least surely acted like you wanted us, anyway). Regardless, we'd be cutting our days short--perhaps to your satisfaction, as you made it seem half of the time.
8. The only reason that we don't commit suicide is because we're too damned in dread of what would happen if we did commit suicide or--worsely--if we actually survived a suicide attempt and had dreadful consequences associated with our failed suicide attempts and survivals thereof (or therefrom--whichever; you get the point). 

So, give suicide commiters and those of us who've been suicidal--for good reason--a break. You didn't seem to care for your suicide-victim loved one when he or she was still here--or else he or she would still be here, because he or she would know that he or she had a friend who's even a sibling or even close than one. You don't seem to care for us now--in fact, you're sending us the same messages that you sent your suicide-victim loved.

And that's why I laughed--not because I thought that his suicide was funny, but because I thought that (as he must've thought or would think) she's a damned hypocrite for saying what she should've said and meant while he was alive. Had she truly meant all that she said now that he's been gone for two years, he would've never gone through that suicide attempt--even Jeremiah stayed alive because he had Baruch and Hanamel, and Elijah had 6,999 others .

So, with all due respect to survivors of suicide (including those who've been suicidal like I have), give suicide victims and those who've been suicidal (including yourselves if you've been suicidal) a break! At least if you give us a break, we'll stay around to at least make you selfish brats and hypocrites happy--even if you really don't care for us, and at least to prove that we're not selfish like you--nor would we actually be selfish if we decide to take ourselves out of your lives! 

In Case Something Happens To Me (e.g., I Do Something Stupid)...

Here's my updated obituary (my older obituary is in the back of my journal along with my will and post-mortem plans, which--like I had to with my obituary--I have to eventually update). I've been pretty close to suicide a number of times in at least the past three days. Some parts are censored due to: 1) privacy reasons 2) the privacy being due to that I'm not dead yet:

Born January 23, 1990 at 5:37 AM at St. Agnes Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland, Nicole [censored] Czarnecki was the oldest child and twin daughter of Gregory "Greg" [censored] and Cecilia Allen (née Cecilia [censored] Allen) Czarnecki. A second-generation Marylander, she was raised by Greg--a first-generation Marylander--and (mostly) Cecilia--who has extensive family histories in Maryland, including those of the Pelz-DeBoy families (from which Delegate Steve DeBoy, and actors Paul and P.J. DeBoy descend). She was also a granddaughter of former IRS Agent John "Jack" Czarnecki (who served tax papers to then-President Richard Nixon; an who, at the time, resided in Glen Burnie and now resides in Millersville). 

She was raised in [censored], going to  [censored] Elementary and [censored] Middle (now a part of [censored]) Schools. She graduated from Chapelgate Christian Academy in Marriottsville on June 2, 2008. Briefly attending Howard Community College and then-College (now-University) of Notre Dame of Maryland, she chose to settle on University of Maryland, Baltimore County as her alma mater. She planned to major in Political Science and graduate UMBC in June 2013. She planned to be a journalist, commentator, or other news-and-politics-affiliated professional. 

She loved, besides news and politics, genealogy and family history, history (besides family history), social networking, and music--among other things. Known to many as "Nickidewbear" and "The Nicole Factor" blogger, she blogged, tweeted, Facebooked, YouTubed, and otherwise made known her life's ups and downs, her passions, and other matters.

Besides her Internet audience (who either loved or hated her), her mother and her twin sister (Michelle) family friends, numerous family members (including Kevin Fosko--a paternal once-removed third cousin--and his family, of Silver Spring), and others survive her. She will be buried next to her great-grandmother Mary Theresa Czarnecki (née Trudniak, to Michael--né Mihály--and Anna Monková Trudniak) at St. Mary's Cemetery in Hanover Township, Pennsylvania. In honor of her ethnic Jewishness passed down by (among others) Anna Monková Trudniak, she will be buried in the Jewish tradition with no calling hours prior to her funeral. 

She also, in lieu of flowers, requested donations to Yad Vashem, JewishGen, Jews for Jesus, New Heritage (Morasha Hadasha) Community (which she began attending in 2012 and of which she intended to become a member), Hebrew4Christians, and Chosen People Ministries. She further requested donations to Wounded Warriors and The Fisher House (in memory of herself and Pfc. Bernard "Bernie" S. Czarnecki--Army, 111th Infantry Division Medical Corps, World War Two--, who died from wounds obtained in combat during World War Two), Ancestry.com and FamilySearch.org, and charitable organizations such as Alexa's Lemonade Stand and small businesses such as NipandBones.com.

Shiva will be sat and Kaddish said for her at her home at [censored]. Please provide food for the mourners from Trader Joe's and Roots Market.          

I Know That People Care, But It's Still A Long Battle...

And anyway, I was finally able to give the "Director" of "Caring" Ministries the rebuke that she deserves:

-----Original Message-----
From: Nickidewbear
To: cdallwig
Sent: Wed, Dec 21, 2011 9:31 am
Subject: Re: Ride to Chapelgate

And you were supposed to call me, but you never did. What happened to your being the Caring Coordinator and reaching out to church members?

...

Nicole, 

I understand that you have been inquiring about getting a ride to Chapelgate?  Please call me to let me know what your need is and we can discuss.....I would appreciate it if you would refrain from posting my name on facebook posts without trying to contact me first.  You have my e-mail and phone number available to you as well as anyone else would......

T hanks. 

Cathy Dallwig

Director of Caring Ministries

Chapelgate Church 

410-442-5800, ext 128

cdallwig@chapelgate.org

*Office Hours, 9-3  Mon - Thurs

=

I don't think that after this, she'll hypocritically leave me off of the "Practical Needs List- CPC", which she did. What a hypocrite she can be! Keep bugging her and tell her with me that I mean that she's supposed to live up to her job title and at least put me on the "Practical Needs List- CPC". Let me give you the example that I mean from this morning:

In a message dated 12/21/2011 12:31:11 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, cdallwig@chapelgate.org writes:

Practical Needs List - CPC CPC Member Announcements at Chapelgate Presbyterian Church Message from: Cathy Dallwig Hi all, Listed below are a couple of needs that I have become aware of in our congregation. Please contact the person with the need directly, if you are able to help. 1.[Censored] is looking for ... 2. [Censored] is recovering from... 3.[Censored] is in immediate need of.... Thank you. Cathy Dallwig Director of Caring Ministries 410-442-5800, ext 128 cdallwig@chapelgate.org

Let me give you a hint: I'm not one of the three people on that list. And pray for all those people, by the way. One did get their needs provided for, by the way. Now also pray that this disabled Jew with a divorced parents and meshuga mishpacha on both sides does, and keep bugging Cathy Dallwig so that she can't kick out this outcast like she'd like to; and you and I both know that she doesn't want to deal with me.

But if I get the need to get a consistent ride to church, I can at least have some of my problems (also including the OCD/Anxiety/Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and ADD) helped to be managed by G-d. And Cathy Dallwig can't say a darn if G-d does provide because saying something against G-d's will would be very stupid.

I'm Not Trying To Get Attention When I Write About Depression and Suicidal Thoughts, and Loneliness In General...

What amazes me is that I think that people think that I am fucking kidding or trying to get attention when I say that I'm tempted to commit suicide. I wasn't kidding when I ended up in Sheppard Pratt in April 2006, was I? I wasn't kidding when I tried to attempt suicide in 1998 (when I was eight years old), was I? And when I called the Suicide Hotline tonight, I hung up twice-- I wasn't going to be able to tell them what's going on, at least without crying and bursting into incoherence while crying. I also couldn't tell them because I'm a Christian and they might not be able to understand some of what I'm going through.


Also, my mom calling my psychiatrist isn't going to help a lot-- he's not a Christian and (as I've told him and others) there are issues that the Sertraline and Abilify can't touch. I even got so desperate as to try Match.com to find the one for me-- one of my Hanukkah and Christmas wishes. Not only was Match.com a violation of 1 Corinthians 7, anyway-- since Christians are to follow the mitzvah that states, "Are you loosed from [without] a [spouse]? Do not seek a [spouse]."; but Match.com just wasn't worth what I need in a man, anyway. Remember, I have Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety/Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, mild ADD, and possible Aspberger's. Also, my family has ilks that are (as I will continue to point out that Mia Danilowicz, part of the ilks actually so kindly proves about herself) "fucking psycho" (Todah, Mia; v'l'Hanukkah Tovah Tikatevi.). I need a man who can provide for and deal with all of and every aspect of me (including my medical and family history.).


PS I'm still waiting for that call from Cathy Dallwig about transporting disabled members to Chapelgate. Please kindly email her for me (as Charles Polk already did; and I know that Charles Polk is one out of few who actually care for me), and bug @ChapelgateNews on Twitter for me. I'm unkindly not leaving their church, no matter how much they don't want a disabled Jew with divorced parents and a crazy dad to not worship G-d among them.

The Sad Part Is That I Feel Guilty For Being Depressive When People Care...

Then only later am I reminded that most don't. As I told a friend, "I tell you, honest to Christ, I really don't think that many people want me around. I guarantee you that when push comes to shove (and vice versa), most'd rather see me gone." Excuse me; but with all due respect, how else am I going to interpret most of what little YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Blogger, and other interaction I get when most of it is negative and critical? By the way, my friend told me, "Night. TTYL." (What a real friend you are, Gordon.).




When most of my online interaction reflects most of my offline interaction, do you expect me to always be happy and acting like everything's okay; like I didn't cry before I made the last blog post and last YouTube video, like I don't want to go off in a corner and just die-- since trying to commit suicide would get me in Sheppard Pratt or not end well otherwise, such as if I survived a suicide attempt and wished that I died as a result?




As I've said, "They sure as Hell didn't care when Dad and his ilk were putting me through all that they put me
through. They sure as Hell didn't care when the now-University of Notre Dame of Maryland put me through all
that they put me through. "They" includes my Laodecian church, by the way. Where the Hell is Cathy Dallwig calling me like she promised she would (and I warned Charles Polk that she probably wouldn't)?"


As I also asked, "And who the f***'s going to tell me that they don't want me to go other than they have to, right?" Gordon already proved that he wouldn't. And wishing me well and just saying "Hey" don't help the issue either. A simple well wish or greeting doesn't always make any situation better:


¹⁴ What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? ¹⁵ If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, ¹⁶ and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? ¹⁷ Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. 




And


¹⁰ For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. 
      But woe to him who is alone when he falls, 
      For he has no one to help him up. 
       ¹¹ Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;     
But how can one be warm alone?
       ¹² Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. 
      And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. 


By the way, food, clothes, and warmth aren't always literal or at least physical.

Not Getting Much Feedback On This Blog or YouTube, Likes On My Page, Etc...

What not getting much feedback, etc. means to me is that I honestly still reflect on committing suicide. I even looked up "1000 Ways to Die", and thought that I may as well stick with the conventional ways of committing suicide if I try to do it. I mean, who's really going to care in the end? Not many people in real life (many of whom are friends on Facebook) do. They sure as Hell didn't care when Dad and his ilk were putting me through all that they put me through. They sure as Hell didn't care when the now-University of Notre Dame of Maryland put me through all that they put me through. "They" includes my Laodecian church, by the way. Where the Hell is Cathy Dallwig calling me like she promised she would (and I warned Charles Polk that she probably wouldn't)?

Also, every miracle in my life comes with a curse-- even on the smallest levels. By the way, what feedback I do get is mostly and usually negative feedback and criticism, not support and even positive criticism. As I said, "I'm more disliked than liked for good and bad." So, not getting much feedback, etc. (and with what feedback I get being negative and unsupportive for the most part, etc.) reflects to me that I might as well be done if the Rapture doesn't come soon.


And who the f***'s going to tell me that they don't want me to go other than they have to, right?

So A Miracle Did Happen (See My Twitter Status.), And...

This month and my life are still going to be rough. This month alone-- forget being (as Kyle Brofslovski sings) "a lonely Jew on Christmas" (let alone a lonely Messianic Jew), even though I have family and friends surrounding me. I won't have consistent presence but for G-d, and even many nevi'im and others got lonely-- so of course, I'll get lonely with even the presence of G-d. Also, I haven't found the one-- what a lonely thought during Mo'ed Chag Mashiach and in general (especially for someone like me). And Kislev 29 (Hanukkah 4) is Great-Granddad Czarnecki's P'rushi Lu'ach yahrzeit-- he committed suicide on Kislev 29,  5725 (December 2, 1964) by P'rushi Lu'ach calculations.

And my life-- well, I've blogged about that.

I Mean, I Do Have People Praying For Me and All, But...

What big miracle's going to happen this time, huh? Maybe my Computer Forensics professor will have a calculator that I can borrow for my Statistics exam? Maybe I'll find the one? Maybe whatever other big miracle? When some small thing doesn't happen, a bigger miracle sometimes or usually happens. For example, my mom accidentally picked up my sister's bag instead of mine. So, I calculator and other stuff at home, and I can't borrow a calculator or pencil for now. As if my life couldn't get worse...

I can't drive home to get it (I have Cerebral Palsy and OCD/Anxiety/Depression, remember?). My keys are in my bag as well and my sister's asleep, so driving home to get them would be non sequitir. Do you see part of why I'm still tempted to commit suicide?

I Wonder Why I Bother Sometimes...

Suicide looks better. Firstly, I'd be in Heaven (I'm a Christian, so I know where I'm by-grace going.), and I wouldn't have to wait for the Rapture. Secondly, Mom, Michelle, and others (including many who'd like to see me dead and/or never really cared, anyway) would be left to pick up the mess that I leave behind. Also, for what being more known in death than life is worth, I'd be more known in death than life-- I even prewrote my own obituary in case something does happen to me, though (G-d willing) I might have to go back and edit it. At least an obituary, a Facebook, a Twitter, and other updates, and other ways of communication are coverage.

Thirdly, I'm a survivor of a suicide attempt from when I was eight to ten years old. Long story short, after I foolishly erased my Pokemon game on the advice of a "friend", I threatened to stab myself-- with the knife in my hand. I chickened out and put the knife down and away from me.

Fourthly, I'm the survivor of a suicide threat-- I ended up at Sheppard Pratt for that threat, and quite a few of my dad's family don't believe what happened even though the Sheppard Pratt incident finally helped provoke the courts to believe what happened. Fifthly, as I've implied, I'm more disliked than liked for good and bad; and as I said, others would be left to pick up the mess that I leave behind. For some of them, picking up my mess would be pure punishment and judgement against them.

I could go on; but as an endnote, I also consider that children in the Third World segments of the human population have a fate better than mine (since they get, for example, plenty of reward in Heaven and not as much judgement because of what they've suffered and because of the "to whom much is given" standard-- including the age of accountability implication). Sexual abuse victims even also have a better fate than mine because some of them parallel (and sometimes even are) the children in the Third World-- they get sympathy and people who'll help them at some point and juncture, some reward in Heaven just for their suffering alone, etc..

With me; my situation's like, who the hell (including my own church) cares (or really or ultimately cares) about a 'mamzerah' Messianic Jew with Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety/Depression, and mild-enough Cerebral Palsy that she can (seemingly) get by?

Sometimes, I'm Lonelier When I'm Not Alone (As the Saying Goes)...

I have a mom who agrees with Rep. Michelle Bachmann's irresponsible comment that "Congress has more important things to pay attention to" re Penn State and Jerry Sandusky, a sister who'll vote for Ron Paul, and a whole bunch of friends and acquaintances (and other loved ones) who don't know half of the backstory of what I've been through. Then I have insensitive people-- disabled and non disabled alike-- telling me to make lemonade out of the lemons which life has given me. So, they can get and have the juicer, or can peel and squeeze the lemons-- good for them.

And you wonder why I haven't-- albeit selfishly-- been tempted to commit suicide?

Here's a Hell of A Statistic

At least two of my great-grandma Gaydos (née Marysia Elizabeth Rusnak)'s Fosko uncles (Ferencz "Frank, Sr." and András "Alexander") committed suicide (His death is mentioned in the title-linked document. Great-Great-Granduncle Frank hung himself and was found dead in his shed on February 11, 1935). That's how I know that their dad, István "Stephen" Fosko, committed suicide: two of six sons are known to have committed suicide, and he died in 1905 when he was 45- you cannot tell me that 1/3 sons committing suicide does not point to the died-young dad having committed suicide.

There Were A Couple Times Where I Thought About Committing Suicide Today. Why?

1. I am a diagnosee of OCD/Anxiety/Depression and Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy, and self diagnosee of IBS (I know what I have; thank you very much. My dad has Chron's, and my granddad has had Chron's- but not that he'll admit it- and Colon Cancer).
2. I am housestuck and single especially because of the Cerebral Palsy.
3. I am housestuck and single because said CP renders me unable to drive.
4. My mom sides with and/or enables my abusers and persecutors, and gets angry when I confront them; and takes advantage of the fact that I have Cerebral Palsy, can't drive, and am single. Thus, I am still stuck in her house.
5. My dad and quite a few in his family are evil, enablers of evil, and both.

I could give more reasons, but you get the point.