Somewhat Offbeat: When OCD Can Be Broken Down To "Oh, Chocolate Death!" If "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" Is Not Careful

"Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" has posted about this before, so this is obviously nothing new. Still, even doing as minimal as baking a chocolate pie (which, despite her CP, "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" can at least relatively do) gets "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" to have her OCD/Anxiety flare up. What especially makes her OCD/Anxiety flare up all the more is when Reilly and/or Camille can be found in the kitchen at the same time as the worried human mother and aunt in question. Worsening matters all the more so is when "Auntie Michelle"/"Mimi" doesn't let her focus and/or keep Reilly and/or Camille out of the kitchen, especially when one or both of them will scour for whatever can be eaten (notwithstanding its edibility).

One can guess, then, what happened tonight. If he or she can't guess, "Auntie Nicole" will give a hint: copious amounts of half-size paper towels and sprays of Mrs. Meyer*s® Clean Day later, cleaning and double checking, and having to scold Camille for trying to scour for anything spilled and cleaner on the floor, "Auntie Nicole" at least cleaned up (hopefully) thoroughly enough (Reilly was upstairs, for which "Momma" is thankful enough, meanwhile). The OCD/Anxiety flare up and unhappiness with the fact that "Mimi" didn't let her focus and keep Camille out of the kitchen is continuing, nonetheless. Meanwhile, a concurrent ADD flareup just began at least a few seconds ago and was affected by the OCD/Anxiety flareup.

If only "Momma" and Reilly had someone else to help them out and frankly weren't still stuck with not-exactly-as-supportive-as-they-could-be "Mom-Mom" and "Auntie Michelle"—despite how much "Auntie Nicole" would miss her furniece and Reilly might miss her cousin—and keeping Reilly away from chocolate, raw eggs, and flour among other puppy-unfriendly ingredients is a significant part of helping "Momma" and Reilly!

Does Reilly Have Canine OCD? "Mom-Mom" and "Auntie Michelle" Think So.

"Momma" can understand why. Besides, she might have set off Reilly's OCD if Reilly does have OCD (and she has caused other heartbreaks for Reilly as she's felt heartbroken lately)! What they note:

1. How she obsessively licks Cam's bowl after "num nums" time (which "Momma" thinks could be a dominance show) as well as her own bowl (She can taste things that humans can't, though.).
2. How she constantly cleans her paws.
3. Other symptoms, such as itching and scratching constantly (Reilly tends to get dry skin, though.)

"Momma", meanwhile, wonders if Reilly has Canine ADD, since—for example—she gets easily distracted by other puppies, neighbors, and other animals and people when "Momma" takes her to "go potty"—and Reilly often has to go inside after quite a while and wait until later to try to "go potty" again because she can't find a "potty spot"! 

Depression, Dying In the Diaspora, and Likely Being An Alteh Moid (And Other Matters)

First with the schtick about dying in the Diaspora: well, an ex friend just died at 4:00 AM today. As I told my sister, "I keep telling you about dying in the Diaspora; you won't believe me" or something like that. To watch Yirimiyahu 8:1-7 continuously come true disturbs me. The ex friend was only in his 20s and had cancer, by the way.

Also, what about the four men murdered in Friday's terror attacks as well as Georges Wolinski murdered on Wednesday? Surely, some have to be looking at this and saying, "It is true: 'And death shall be chosen rather than life by all the residue that remain of this evil family, that remain in all the places whither I have driven them, saith יהוה צבאות.' Indeed, 'the stork in the heaven knoweth her appointed times; and the turtle and the swallow and the crane observe the time of their coming; but My people know not the ordinance of יהוה.'

"'And thou shalt become an astonishment, a proverb, and a byword, among all the peoples whither יהוה shall lead thee away.'" That's not supposed to exacerbate the MDD with which I suffer?!

Also, I can't get out of the Diaspora myself. Why? Besides what I wrote yesterday (See "To watch...true" above.), that I'm not married is a factor (and a painful one!)! Did that get into a debate as well, by the way!

Given the following, I may pretty much be doomed either way:

1. Each but for two of my maternal grandparents' post-natal children (including my late aunt Mary Carole) have been divorced and remarried at least once.
2. All of my paternal grandparents' post natal children have each been divorced once.
3. My parents are divorced (no duh!).
4. I have C.P., OCD/ADD, MDD, ADD, and IBS.
5. I'm 24 years old and going on to be 25 years old.

There are other factors as well. Being an undesirable, a divorce statistic, and still single at 24 years old, I'm likely to die an alteh moid. Comforting? No! Exacerbating my MDD? Yes! Having nobody to at least get me out of the Diaspora? Even more exacerbating my MDD!

PS As I was trying to write this whole blog entry, I had to stop for multiple long periods because I couldn't get a moment of quiet. Also, I was pretty much, e.g., shot down on explaining why Francois Hollande called Netanyahu's bluff. To live in a house in which I can't share much without being interrupted, shot down, etc. is all the rougher.

Are You Mentally or Neurologically Abnormal Like I Am?

Public OpinionPoll Results

The conversation needs to continue to be had, and I hope to contribute to it.

I Know That People Care, But It's Still A Long Battle...

And anyway, I was finally able to give the "Director" of "Caring" Ministries the rebuke that she deserves:

-----Original Message-----
From: Nickidewbear
To: cdallwig
Sent: Wed, Dec 21, 2011 9:31 am
Subject: Re: Ride to Chapelgate

And you were supposed to call me, but you never did. What happened to your being the Caring Coordinator and reaching out to church members?

...

Nicole, 

I understand that you have been inquiring about getting a ride to Chapelgate?  Please call me to let me know what your need is and we can discuss.....I would appreciate it if you would refrain from posting my name on facebook posts without trying to contact me first.  You have my e-mail and phone number available to you as well as anyone else would......

T hanks. 

Cathy Dallwig

Director of Caring Ministries

Chapelgate Church 

410-442-5800, ext 128

cdallwig@chapelgate.org

*Office Hours, 9-3  Mon - Thurs

=

I don't think that after this, she'll hypocritically leave me off of the "Practical Needs List- CPC", which she did. What a hypocrite she can be! Keep bugging her and tell her with me that I mean that she's supposed to live up to her job title and at least put me on the "Practical Needs List- CPC". Let me give you the example that I mean from this morning:

In a message dated 12/21/2011 12:31:11 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, cdallwig@chapelgate.org writes:

Practical Needs List - CPC CPC Member Announcements at Chapelgate Presbyterian Church Message from: Cathy Dallwig Hi all, Listed below are a couple of needs that I have become aware of in our congregation. Please contact the person with the need directly, if you are able to help. 1.[Censored] is looking for ... 2. [Censored] is recovering from... 3.[Censored] is in immediate need of.... Thank you. Cathy Dallwig Director of Caring Ministries 410-442-5800, ext 128 cdallwig@chapelgate.org

Let me give you a hint: I'm not one of the three people on that list. And pray for all those people, by the way. One did get their needs provided for, by the way. Now also pray that this disabled Jew with a divorced parents and meshuga mishpacha on both sides does, and keep bugging Cathy Dallwig so that she can't kick out this outcast like she'd like to; and you and I both know that she doesn't want to deal with me.

But if I get the need to get a consistent ride to church, I can at least have some of my problems (also including the OCD/Anxiety/Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and ADD) helped to be managed by G-d. And Cathy Dallwig can't say a darn if G-d does provide because saying something against G-d's will would be very stupid.

I'm Not Trying To Get Attention When I Write About Depression and Suicidal Thoughts, and Loneliness In General...

What amazes me is that I think that people think that I am fucking kidding or trying to get attention when I say that I'm tempted to commit suicide. I wasn't kidding when I ended up in Sheppard Pratt in April 2006, was I? I wasn't kidding when I tried to attempt suicide in 1998 (when I was eight years old), was I? And when I called the Suicide Hotline tonight, I hung up twice-- I wasn't going to be able to tell them what's going on, at least without crying and bursting into incoherence while crying. I also couldn't tell them because I'm a Christian and they might not be able to understand some of what I'm going through.


Also, my mom calling my psychiatrist isn't going to help a lot-- he's not a Christian and (as I've told him and others) there are issues that the Sertraline and Abilify can't touch. I even got so desperate as to try Match.com to find the one for me-- one of my Hanukkah and Christmas wishes. Not only was Match.com a violation of 1 Corinthians 7, anyway-- since Christians are to follow the mitzvah that states, "Are you loosed from [without] a [spouse]? Do not seek a [spouse]."; but Match.com just wasn't worth what I need in a man, anyway. Remember, I have Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety/Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, mild ADD, and possible Aspberger's. Also, my family has ilks that are (as I will continue to point out that Mia Danilowicz, part of the ilks actually so kindly proves about herself) "fucking psycho" (Todah, Mia; v'l'Hanukkah Tovah Tikatevi.). I need a man who can provide for and deal with all of and every aspect of me (including my medical and family history.).


PS I'm still waiting for that call from Cathy Dallwig about transporting disabled members to Chapelgate. Please kindly email her for me (as Charles Polk already did; and I know that Charles Polk is one out of few who actually care for me), and bug @ChapelgateNews on Twitter for me. I'm unkindly not leaving their church, no matter how much they don't want a disabled Jew with divorced parents and a crazy dad to not worship G-d among them.

Dear Mom...

I know that I'm a failure. I know that you're not proud that I don't study as hard as I could, do much around the house as I could, and do much else as I could. But I try. I struggle with OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and possible Aspberger's. I may also struggle with ADD and ADHD (Aunt Mary struggles with mild ADD.). And I struggle with my Cerebral Palsy.

Imagine going through all that I've gone through with little to no support, and spurts of support that are about the extent of the support that I get. Imagine knowing that you're-- though imperfect-- unappreciated and not good enough for anyone no matter what you do. Imagine having my rough family history and not being discouraged from dealing with and talking about it, especially by me & other family. And imagine being mostly or entirely alone otherwise all the time.

I could go on; but Dear Mom, I know that I'm a failure. And now you know why.