Somewhat Offbeat: When OCD Can Be Broken Down To "Oh, Chocolate Death!" If "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" Is Not Careful

"Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" has posted about this before, so this is obviously nothing new. Still, even doing as minimal as baking a chocolate pie (which, despite her CP, "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" can at least relatively do) gets "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" to have her OCD/Anxiety flare up. What especially makes her OCD/Anxiety flare up all the more is when Reilly and/or Camille can be found in the kitchen at the same time as the worried human mother and aunt in question. Worsening matters all the more so is when "Auntie Michelle"/"Mimi" doesn't let her focus and/or keep Reilly and/or Camille out of the kitchen, especially when one or both of them will scour for whatever can be eaten (notwithstanding its edibility).

One can guess, then, what happened tonight. If he or she can't guess, "Auntie Nicole" will give a hint: copious amounts of half-size paper towels and sprays of Mrs. Meyer*s® Clean Day later, cleaning and double checking, and having to scold Camille for trying to scour for anything spilled and cleaner on the floor, "Auntie Nicole" at least cleaned up (hopefully) thoroughly enough (Reilly was upstairs, for which "Momma" is thankful enough, meanwhile). The OCD/Anxiety flare up and unhappiness with the fact that "Mimi" didn't let her focus and keep Camille out of the kitchen is continuing, nonetheless. Meanwhile, a concurrent ADD flareup just began at least a few seconds ago and was affected by the OCD/Anxiety flareup.

If only "Momma" and Reilly had someone else to help them out and frankly weren't still stuck with not-exactly-as-supportive-as-they-could-be "Mom-Mom" and "Auntie Michelle"—despite how much "Auntie Nicole" would miss her furniece and Reilly might miss her cousin—and keeping Reilly away from chocolate, raw eggs, and flour among other puppy-unfriendly ingredients is a significant part of helping "Momma" and Reilly!

Something That I Thought About Re A Friend's Facebook Post Re A TV Character's Comment On Anorexia

(This was originally a reply on Facebook. I have added more thoughts within the thought here.)

To be honest, I've wondered what Holocaust survivors and their descendants think of that, even in regards to the ones whom have Anorexia whether or not it's in remission. Especially were I a first-generation Holocaust survivor, I might be thinking, "I was starved in the [']concentration['] [actually, murder] camps, and you girls and boys are willingly starving yourselves? Don't you realize that you have the privilege to eat?" 

(Let's face, by the way, that "concentration camps" either understates or obscures exactly why the Nazis built the murder camps, which they built solely to hold as hostages and enslave Jews in order to try to commit full-scale ethnocide—and while there were Jews whom were complicit in that, many or most Poles and other gentiles were the main ones whom were either passively or actively complicit in that. To see why my family decided to become Anusim, also by the way, is not that hard, especially when one looks solely at the experiences of my great-grandfather Czarnecki's maternal family during the Holocaust.

On the other hand, I am sadly certain that some Holocaust survivors experienced of some form of Anorexia because they thought that they weighed too much in comparison to other Holocaust survivors and victims whom died of starvation. I've read of parallel cases in which, for example, Holocaust survivors whom have died deliberately had themselves cremated because they felt guilty about surviving while their loved ones and others were cremated either alive or after they were otherwise murdered.



Incidentally, I've also read of first- and subsequent-generation Holocaust survivors experiencing onsets of other mental illnesses, including OCD/Anxiety and of course Depression and PTSD. I can relate to that because mental illnesses certainly onset in family members of mine and in myself after traumatic incidents of lesser degrees except for when those incidents have been almost- or entirely-equal-in-degree Anti-Semitic incidents such as the Belostok Pogrom. After all, for instance, I am a fourth-generation pogrom survivor, and I would not be surprised if the Depression that caused my father's paternal grandfather's suicide was at least partly related to being affected by the Belostok Pogrom. I would also not be surprised if the onset of my OCD/Anxiety and Depression was related to my being a fourth-generation pogrom survivor and being therefore all the more affected by 9/11 and its fallout as well as beginning to learn about the full extent Holocaust during the fallout, although only when I found out that I am Jewish was when I looked back and realized that my nefesh Yehudit was sensing all of the Anti Semitism that my own family endured and responding to what I was learning and 9/11 with its fallout in light of my own family's experiences

Mostly Offbeat: Part Of Why "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" Took So Long To Compile the Card Collection

Even Reilly's and Camille's sweetness and supportiveness haven't helped "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" during her latest OCD/Anxiety flareup, with one incident in which (albe understandably, though exacerbated by OCD/Anxiety) "Momma" screamed quite loudly because Reilly (about whom she worries frequently) could've gotten a dropped salad leaf with vinegar. Imagine, then, how it prevented her from even getting the card compilation made and published. Remember also how making cards has been hard for her in the first place.

Incidentally, "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" tried again this morning to explain OCD/Anxiety to Reilly and Camille. How much they understood she doesn't quite know, though they've probably sensed that she's anxious for some reason—which is why she tried to explain it to them. Of course, not that they've always behaved in ways that haven't contributed the recent flareup, not to mention OCD/Anxiety flareups in general—when they bark inappropriately, for example, they affect "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole"'s stress level to exacerbate OCD/Anxiety flareups!

Mostly Offbeat: The Sooner That "Momma" Finds Out What A Certain Person Wants, The Better For Herself And Reilly

Not knowing has kept "Momma"—and as a result, Reilly—way past midnight of late, even causing "Momma" to have OCD/Anxiety flareups while sewing Reilly's toy "Hippo". Even an answer such as "Your guess as to who your future helpmate and Reilly's future 'Daddy' is, is plainly incorrect" would immensely help "Momma" and Reilly.

By the way, this picture was taken at 2:07 AM on July 15th. The other one was actually taken on July 12, 2017 at 11:41 PM. Still, it goes to show that this is a frequent occurrence (Here, Reilly is snuggling with a toy wishbone.)

Small Puppies, Big Accidents

That Reilly might have OCD/Anxiety is rough enough on "Momma", especially since "Momma" has OCD/Anxiety that flares up on days like yesterday and today. To hear that "Mimi" accidentally kicked Camille under the chin flares up "Auntie Nicole"'s own OCD/Anxiety, and to hear "Mimi" describe it as her "accidentally kick[ing] Cam in the throat" really flares up "Auntie Nicole"'s OCD/Anxiety!

When "Mimi" described what actually happened, "Auntie Nicole" felt a little more relieved. Nonetheless, she's still worried about Camille's throat in the long term, despite that Camille seems fine so far. Besides, "Mimi"/"Auntie Michelle" could've simply described what happened in the first place as that:

1. Camille (who's a small adult puppy whom tends to blend in with the kitchen floor, anyway) was behind her when she was getting Reilly a treat.
2. She either lifted her foot up or moved it back to walk backward.
3. Her heel landed under Camille's chin.
4. Camille understandably (as "Auntie Nicole" heard) squealed. 

"Mimi" obviously apologized to Camille, all while worried "Auntie Nicole" kept wanting to make sure that Cam is okay.

Camille's Pre-UTI Inflammation Or Early UTI Infection, Mental Illness, Etc.

Somehow, my phone ended up sending Facebook-status updates to the wrong page. Nonetheless, this does eventually give me the opportunity to bring up the conversation as to how pets such as my sister's puppy, Camille, can affect the mental health of their human family members—such as my sister and me—for good and—albe inadvertently—for bad.

Like my sister, I have OCD/Anxiety; and let's just say that, that exacerbated our dread when Camille ended up at the emergency vet due to a fever and pre-UTI inflammation or a UTI infection. For many (if not most) people with OCD/Anxiety, this is the case: that is, dreads that are understandable and normal become exacerbated, and the exacerbation affects an OCD/Anxiety. Thus, an OCD/Anxiety-Exacerbated Dread cycle began when Camille ended up at the emergency vet.

There have also been other mental illness-exacerbation cycles regarding events ad other matters that involve Camille and Reilly (my puppy), and I imagine that this is nothing surprising to other pet owners whom also have mental illnesses. I imagine that this is also nothing surprising to those whom've read what I've specifically written about or otherwise mention in regard to those matters—not to mention that I feel absolutely judged (and know that I've been judged) for writing about those matters (Don't think that I'm not aware of that when, e.g., I lose friends on Facebook and followers on Twitter for writing about those matters and sharing my writing—what you think of me online reflects exactly what you think of me offline, as the Internet is merely technology that you use and not the reason for how you act offline and online).

Am I going to lie, though, when, for example:

1. I overslept quite a bit during Reilly's first year due to a Depression flareup? I was very lucky that Reilly needed up to 20 hours of sleep per day during that amount of time, meanwhile.
2. I have been unfairly judged by my mother and even my sister, whom have said that I shouldn't own a pet if I can't take care of her or him due to how my mental illnesses affect me? (By the way, "[Y]ou shouldn't own a pet if you can't take care of her or him" is a common canardic trope that is used against people with mental illnesses and other people with disabilities—not to mention people like me whom have both mental illnesses and other disabilities.). They (like others) could be a little more understanding and helpful instead of unempathetically judgemental.
3. The mental illnesses that I have effect energy drains that affect me to not be the best "Momma" to Reilly and "Auntie" to Camille?
4. The guilt that I feel for not being the best "Momma" to Reilly and "Auntie" to Camille affects my Bruxism to flare up (as it's affecting it to flare up as I type)? By the way, I inherited every single one of my mental illnesses (including OCD/Anxiety) from my father, whom also has Bruxism.
5. There are actually matters about which I've not written (including which I didn't mention before writing this blog entry), such as OCD/Anxiety flareups when I'm making cards with pictures of Reilly and Camille? Because of the OCD/Anxiety flareups, making those cards can take quite a bit of time. For example (and this is where I feel judged already again), I often hit the "Undo" or "Delete" button when making those cards because what if, for example and God forbid. I'm using colors that look like colors that hate groups use (I try to avoid using certain colors because of that.) or drawing a shofar with shapes and end up using it on the card, anyway, because I can't correct the part of it that looks like a butt when at least one of the shapes is unfilled or outlined? Am I actually being irreverent and is my motive actually to be irreverent, even by typing this? Also, I avoided using "objects such a shofar with shapes" because I don't want to sound like my Anti-Semitic ex pastor whom called the Ark Of the Covenant a "piece of furniture" by calling a shofar an object.

Incidentally, my memory-affecting ADD also flared up as I was writing. For instance, I forgot for quite a few seconds what I was intending to Google when I (and for a moment just now, I forgot that I wanted to type "intending to Google when I") went to Google "Bruxism"? As for when my ADD flares up in regards to immediate matters regarding Reilly, instances of my ADD flaring up are when I forget that I was going to put on her harness and leash or give her a treat.

Meanwhile, Camille is healing from the pre-UTI inflammation or early UTI infection—and (though I don't mean to sound flippant) excuse me if part of her pre-UTI inflammation or early UTI infection was due to not taking her to "go potty" as often as it seems like I could, as my energy is frequently drained. Besides, Camille doesn't always immediately ring the bell when she needs to "go potty", and I don't know if she needs to "go potty" until she rings that bell or indicates that she needs to get out of her crate during naptime to ring the bell.

Working On "Follow Me" With Reilly, And An Incidental Note

"Momma" is working on "Follow me" with Reilly, and Reilly had "Follow me" basically had it down when she and "Momma" worked on it before. Reilly seems to be doing well with "Follow me" after going "potty" and when going inside to get a treat (Stubborn Camille is another discussion: she refuses to even listen to "Auntie Nicole" when "Auntie Nicole" tells her "Follow me". Then again, Camille can be overall stubborn—as, for example, she was last night when "Mimi" thought that she had a piece of plastic in her mouth. She gave her a hard time about checking for any plastic, too!).

As for going upstairs and following "Momma" at night, Reilly is still working on that—although she's mostly listened to "Momma" and earned the treat that she gets each time that she follows "Momma". "Momma" has to sometimes pull Reilly back and remind her, "You don't lead me. I lead you." or "You follow me; I don't follow you."

Incidentally and meanwhile, "Momma" has had horrid mental-illness flareups again due to confusion re a certain subject—while she thinks that she knows what a certain person wants, he has to tell her eventually (or does she have to ask him? Either way, someone has to budge and tell. Besides, she—for instance—doesn't look forward to getting older—let alone old—alone or continuing to detrimentally affect Reilly.)

Reilly's Barking Only Causes "Momma"'s OCD/Anxiety To Flare Up

Part of the reason that "Momma"'s considering DBS Surgery is that Reilly's barking can flare up "Momma"'s OCD/Anxiety—and today is one of those horrid days on which Reilly's inappropriate barking is causing a flare up. "Momma" has a hard time sleeping at night, anyway, due to the OCD/Anxiety in part—and then the OCD/Anxiety in turn flares up due "Momma"'s tiredness. As a result, Reilly's inappropriate stresses her out more and effects the OCD/Anxiety to flare up—especially when she won't listen when she's told to stop barking.

It's a vicious cycle of OCD/Anxiety flareups, "Momma"'s lack of sleeping well, OCD/Anxiety flareups, and Reilly's inappropriate barking causing more stresses.

As The Old Jewish Saying Goes, And As I've Lived Especially Of Late...

What's keeping calm when you're Jewish? What's not worrying when you're Jewish?

As for me and being a Jewish Christian, I get the whole "Do not worry", "Come to Me, you whom are weary...", "Cast your cares...", etc.. Notwithstanding that (and here goes the "Oh, you of little faith"):

1. Having Cerebral Palsy and IBS affects worry for good reason.
2. Having OCD/Anxiety and ADD affects worry for good reason. By the way, I'm actually not the first one to have made an observation regarding whether OCD/Anxiety is inherently Jewish, and I was joking about that more to cope with my own OCD and wondering (so much for Jewish humor, as I got a hard time for making that observation)—the schtick about (I kid you not) OCD being a "Jewish disease" (as Dr. Avigdor Bonchek phrased the schtick whether OCD is Jewish) has been around for a long time. To be fair, look at, e.g., B'midbar 7 alone—having to be perfectly scrupulous about the right number of the right offerings like that could cause anyone to worry—then look at Vaiykra 11 and B'midbar 19—I myself (assuming that I'd survived birth and even had some part in Jewish life) would be washing and extra washing all day. Then try the fences around Torah. Overtime, that has to get embedded into one's genetic code and/or brain chemistry—thus, I think, part of why God desires mercy over sacrifice and obedience over burnt offerings, as His point seemed to be that ritualism as opposed to simply living by faith (e.g., "walk[ing] humbly with your God").
3. Getting the amount of hate that I get (as I probably will over the observation above, for example), whether rightly or wrongly, affects me to always worry for good reason—even, e.g., who's going to unfriend me on Facebook or unfollow me on Twitter, thus reflecting online how what they think of me both online and offline? After all (as Curt Schilling of all people stated), people online are who they are offline and what they would be offline "if they could get away with it" (which he stated after two of his daughter's high-school classmates used Twitter to send her rape threats.

I could give more examples, though I think that three examples suffice—especially as I brace myself and bide to see how many more instances of Example Three will happen even over the next couple of minutes, especially in regard to Example Two. 

Still A Difficult Time For Reilly—And "Momma"

Reilly continues to be very patient as "Momma" endures a difficult time, and "Momma" nonetheless suspects that some of Reilly's compulsive behaviors are due to her. For example, Reilly seems to clean her paws frequently—just like "Momma" washes her hands frequently, since she has OCD/Anxiety—and perhaps even Reilly's eating of mulch is part of her compulsive behavior.

"Momma" can't even finish one project that might get her foot in the door, let alone work on the book about Reilly which she's planning. As she's written:

"Especially as "Momma" has gone through heartbreaks such as losing touch with the main person whom inspired her to write about Reilly, Reilly has been "Momma"'s biggest fan—or at least her biggest canine fan—while "Momma" can't always be her biggest fan."

She's also written:

"[T]hat person inspired her to begin becoming a full-time author. In fact, as 'Momma' recalls, she wrote and sent Reilly's first real full biography to the particular person—whom she thinks about every day, and about whom she's told Reilly...
"Incidentally, 'Momma" hopes and prays to reconnect with that person—whom had and still has a huge impact on 'Momma''s life, and whom will hopefully meet Reilly—someday."

To not have the main person whom inspired "Momma" to write about Reilly—and become an author overall—in her life for now only serves to partly flare up her mental illnesses—she even had two OCD/Anxiety episodes this morning, which confused and worried Reilly.

Needlessly to say, Reilly is definitely impacted as "Momma" struggles with mental-illness flareups—which also has affected "Momma"'s and Reilly's sleep at night, and "Momma"'s getting through the day.