My Facebook and Twitter Update For October 11, 2013 (Cheshvan 6, 5773) at 10:09 PM EDT

I'm just going to bed. It's obviously just not been a good day or a good week for me. As I said before, pray that I can put G-d (G-d willing) to the bachan (בחן; not the nasah [נסה]) and that G-d sends me the love of my life or someone better. I'm probably (as usual and again) the only one praying that I can put G-d to the בחן, and there I go again having to do all of the work; and I resent that I'm the one doing all the work again—G-d won't hear my prayers when few or no others are praying with and/or for me.

And some can think that I'm faking it or s***ing around, but they have no idea until they live with that which I've lived. Let me give you an idea in case you haven't been paying attention or even cared to do so:

1. Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy
2. Obsessive Compulsive/Generalized Anxiety Disorder
3. Major Depressive Disorder
4. Attention Deficit Disorder
5. Irritable Bowel Syndrome
6. Being a divorce statistic without ever even having been married. Ready? My dad and both of his living siblings have all divorced and/or remarried; my mom and all but two of her living siblings have divorced and/or remarried; my Czarnecki great-grandparents had an extremely-miserable marriage; and my Green great-great-great-grandmother divorced—plus my Cassilly-Farrell great-great-great-grandparents separated at least twice. I've also been in two failed relationships—one from August 2004-May 2005, and one from February 2013-March 2013. Statistically, I am set to get divorced—and counting that men have left wives over Breast Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, and other issues, you may gladly add in my CP, OCD/GAD, MDD, ADD, and/or IBS as all reasons why a guy wouldn't even want to date me. By the way, you may add in the CP alone. Who wants to deal with, e.g., the girl with the "casts on [her] legs", the "gimp", etc. if he certainly won't stay with a woman with breast cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, or anything else—even the common human condition known as getting old?
7. My sordid family history—please consider alone that my paternal grandmother's mother and her dad both betrayed relatives during the Holocaust. And what is my family under? A third-generation curse (counting from Great-Grandma Gaydos) or a fourth-generation curse (counting from Great-Great-Granddad Rusnak). "‘The Lord is longsuffering and abundant in mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression; but He by no means clears the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation.’" Not only Numbers 14:18 states this; and you may add in, e.g., Genesis 12:1-3 as well. Also please consider that I'm a bat-Anusim.
8. I am still in college and I am 23 years old.

I can add more, but I will sum up my life up for you with what eight points I've given:

I am the dirty little secret or (so to speak) elephant in the room about whom most people—even most people in my life over the course of my life—have been or are socially polite (and/or with whom they've dealt because they've felt that they've had to do so for whatever reason), who most people have hated or hate, and.or who many of most of the socially-polite and hating people wish to see dead. After all, I am the "gimp" with the "casts on [her] legs" who has more than the CP with which to deal—for example, four other conditions than the CP and being a never-married divorce statistic with two failed relationships at the age of 23.

As I have said, people don't think that I notice this s*** or want me notice what they really think of me—I am well aware of what I am and I know what people really think of me. I have also said that while things will get better if G-d is willing that they do so, He doesn't guarantee anything—He just promises what's in His will. I have furthermore said that G-d can beat what odds He's created, but He often doesn't—just, for instance, look at that I've already had two failed relationships at the age of 23 and as a descendant (not just a child, but a mulit-generational, multi-familial descendant) of divorce. Also, again, count that  CP, OCD/GAD, MDD, ADD, and/or IBS as all reasons why a guy wouldn't even want to date me,.since men have left wives over Breast Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, and other issues.

As I have even furthermore said, I am certainly not the stupidest person or (so to speak) dullest bulb in the bunch, dullest knife in the shed, etc.. That's part of why I at least need some people to pay attention and, as I asked that more people do, pray that I can put G-d (G-d willing) to the bachan (בחן; not the nasah [נסה]) and that G-d sends me the love of my life or someone better.

But I'm not going to get a guy, let alone a good guy, right? There's the paradox: because of my CP alone—let alone my other conditions and sordid family history—I need a guy for practical purposes! Don't you get it?! That's why I need you to pray, pray, pray, and pray if you will do at least something for me—praying for me is a heck of a lot better than being socially polite about me or just dealing with (i.e., tolerating, putting up with) me, hating me, and/or wishing me dead (As I said, I notice what you really think of me; and to be more honest with you, some of you are affecting me to be driven to outright calling you morons—although I suppose that that's giving you too much credit! I should be calling the morons among you "fools"!).

By the way, I'm not Jesus (and I know that I'm not Jesus; much less Jeremiah, Job, Amos, Habakkuk, or any other person who has gone through worse pain than me); but my pain is not taken away or mitigated (at least in proportion, since G-d gives pain to each person his or her proportionality to how much he or she was created to handle if he or she could)—and what did Jesus say? "‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’" and, conversely, "‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ "

In conclusion, perhaps you will consider your own sakes if (and, for the fools, since) you won't consider what I need; so I'm giving you a chance to do that by quoting Jesus and reminding you that I am—believe me or not, and if I am nothing else to you or anyone else—one of the least of these. Save your own tuchuses and do something worthwhile for me—even if just for you in the end—for once instead of being socially polite toward/dealing with/tolerating me, hating me, and/or wishing me dead.

Also, as usual, ל'לילה ושבת טוב תכתבו. (although I know that have of you wish even the opposite for me). 

Remembering When, Part Two

I really do not feel like writing tonight, since I had a depressive breakdown. Nonetheless, I promised to write "part-by-part on (at maximum) a daily basis (minimum more than one part a day) at thenicolefactor.blogspot.com". This memoir originally began as a Stage32 project (I am not promoting them or endorsing them, by the way—nor am I demoting or discouraging them—I was invited to Stage32 and felt that I needed to write something to qualify for my invite.). Thus, my acquaintances's suggestion that my family story be turned into a book or movie already had been a suggestion to me (from me to myself, as I recall) previously—though I would have honestly delayed resuming or rewriting the memoir without his suggestion. Part of the delay would have been due to Depression.

That I have Depression is important to mention because Depression goes down the line from Great-Granddad (about whose suicide you will read later) to Pop-Pop (unless it skipped a generation, but I doubt that it did), Dad (e.g., Those pill bottles in his apartment were not just B-12 vitamins  and now I know what purpose they served.), and me. Also, Depression is nothing new to the Jewish community. As Yehovah (Blessed be He.) wrote through Moses:

"And among these nations shalt thou find no ease , neither shall the sole of thy foot have rest: but the LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and sorrow of mind: And thy life shall hang in doubt before thee; and thou shalt fearday and night, and shalt have none assurance of thy life: 67 In the morning thou shalt say , Would God it were even! and at even thou shalt say , Would God it were morning! for the fear of thine heart wherewith thou shalt fear , and for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see."

(I am using the King James Version; so, Ms. Stuart would have no reason to roll in her grave could she do so.).

Ironically, I come from a Phraisee ("Rabbinate") family (See Matthew 23:8-10 for why I do not use "rabbi" or any word thereinvolving.)—so, I am not supposed to use "Yehovah". However, as I have learned, nowhere in Scripture does Yehovah say that one may not use His name altogether. My family had no interest in this, though—in fact, as my Aunt Mary told me, they did not even really have reverence toward Yehovah. As Aunt Mary described to me, her first reference to God and Jesus came from an argument between my grandparents:

"God damn it, Joan!"

"Jesus Christ, Jack! The neighbors will think you're crazy!"

Their reverence was and has been toward maintaining appearances of being a perfect, Slavic-American Roman Catholic family—at least since they became Crypto Jews (or Anusim; Hebrew "אנוסים"—"forced ones" or "hidden ones"). This might help to explain the exacerbation of the Depression in our family—and it's what led up to Great-Granddad Czarnecki's 60th and final year, beginning with him and his family when they became Anusim in Lipsk nad Biebrzą in about the year of Great-Granddad's birth. 

Remembering When, Part One

Scrapping my old family-history memoir and writing a new one, I begin with the following conversation that I had with an acquaintance. I begin with this particular conversation because it'll help you understand why Alan Jackson's "Remember When" is really my Czarnecki great-grandparents' story, and their story is (if you will) the linchpin story in my family story—that is, the story that connects the other one and really makes up my family history. Of course, I'm well aware that almost everyone (as can be seen on the YouTube version of "Remember When") could, would, or even did say that this is their story, or their relative's story, or whoever else's story. Nonetheless, you would see that (as I saw that) "Remember When" was written almost as if Alan Jackson knew my family story well before I did and even continued to probe into my family history to complete the song.

For copyright reasons (and, incidentally, part of which adds to my disdain for Ann Stuart and the Copyright Act of 1708-1710), I cannot get into a breakdown of the lyrics. However, you will be able to break down the lyrics for yourself and find my Czarnecki great-grandparents' story in them when you read their story (and, incidentally again, I guess that Ms. Stuart forgot the wisdom of another monarch—an ancient Jewish monarch by the name of Shlomo ben David—to whom I may be related, as you will find out, by the way. Also, "the wisdom of...Shlomo ben David" is actually the wisdom of Yehovah [Blessed be He.]—and I will make clear throughout that I—as many of my relatives did and do—believe that the Bible is the inerrant, infallible God in written form Himself.).

Meanwhile, here is the conversation that started the rewriting of this memoir (and it heavily indicates that my Messianic Jewish beliefs define who I am, how I view my family history, and every other factor in my life and background):

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

Ever been in the states?

10/4, 2:02am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

Oh yes.

I'm still in them.

I was born in the Diaspora.

I plan to make aliyah as soon as Netanyahu and Likud find their government collapsed on themselves.

10/4, 2:03am

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

Whr is that?

10/4, 2:04am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

Netanyahu and his government don't allow Messianic or Patrilineal Jews to make aliyah as Jews.

We have to call ourselves gentiles of Jewish descent or convert, and I won't do either.

10/4, 2:05am

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

oh i have to google this.

10/4, 2:05am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

They even let Yad L'Achim infiltrate the Interior and Foreign Affairs Ministries.

Good idea.

I had to learn a lot by Googling and following the news, etc. myself.

I even had no clue that my dad is Jewish.

10/4, 2:06am

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

Well if your in new york holla at me. Wow yr dad??

10/4, 2:07am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

Yep. He still gets mad at me for finding out. When I told him that, e.g., his paternal grandmother (Mary Trudniak Czarnecki)'s dad's maternal family (the Nagys) converted because of Anti Semitism, etc., he was like, "I don't want to go there." and "You can't ascribe motives to" why they converted.

10/4, 2:08am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

Also, for years, this is the story that I got...

10/4, 2:08am

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

Wow girl i feel for ya!!!

10/4, 2:09am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

Anthony Czarnecki, a relative or even descendant of Polish-Lithuanian szlachta Stefan Czarniecki, comes over here as an adult and marries Mary Trudniak. He serves in Korea, and--after working in the coal mines for years--dies of Black Lung in 1972.

I feel more for them. They miss the richness of our real story by denying it.

Real story, beginning with Tony (as they called him)...

10/4, 2:10am

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

hhmmmm allot of rich history; shouldbe made into a book.

10/4, 2:11am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

I tried to do that for a while, actually. Once I can put more of the story together (Oy vey!), I'll pick up writing it down back up.

10/4, 2:12am

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

So go back into it might even turn out to be a movie!!

10/4, 2:13am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

It could be. I have thought about that.

Especially since my last Fosko-Rusnak great-granduncle (of blessed memory) just died.

10/4, 2:14am

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

Don't waste time, move with the spirit and put ypu heart and soul into it. You have a gold mind here!!! What you waiting for??

your

10/4, 2:15am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

Point taken. You're right.

I gotta figure out where to get started.

10/4, 2:16am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

Anyway, beginning with Tony: a Czernecki boy was born in Cuman, Poland (Tsuman, Ukraine) to a Jewess from the Andrulevicus (Andrulewicz, etc.) family on October 24, 1904. The Jewess, Aleksjondria Andrulewiczowna Czernecka was en route to or from visiting a cousin, Vil'gel'm Andrulevich, in Buzhanka, Zvenigorodka (Buzhanka, Cherkas'ka) when she gave birth. Then came the pogroms, and Aleksjondria and her husband, Julian Jan "Feliks" Czernecki (whose birth names are actually unknown), converted themselves and their son "Antoni Jan" (as he became). Needless to say, their families were pissed and done with them...

10/4, 2:17am

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

Start where it hurts!! Im a filmaker.We have a thing we say in the field the first 10 minutes should be shocking to the viewer.

10/4, 2:18am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

They joined other Crypto-Jewish family over in America. As my granduncle Tony put it (and I love that he wrote this, not knowing that I suspected that we are Jews):

I don't know who came with the group to America. It seems that there were only a few family members and friends. These people mostly settled in NE PA. Your Great Grandfather had a few cousins living within 50 miles of Wilkes-Barre but none that were mentioned living in Patterson, NJ. The Patterson family may have, in fact, moved to PA at or after the same time as them. There were several "friends" in Sugar Notch and the area that would periodically return to Lisco Poland to visit family and mail was occasionally received by them from family in Poland. One of the friends who lived in Sugar Notch would bring pictures of Great Grandpop's family to share with him. Since he left at a young age, he didn't recognize anyone but as I recall they all had names of the people in the pictures on the back.

The move from Poland was permanent. There was never any talk of returning. Not even for a visit. After moving to Sugar Notch the family flourished economically. Julian & Alexandria eventually owned houses at 203, 205, and 207 Freed Street. They lived in 207 and sold 205 to Son, Joseph and 203 to Son, Anthony(great grandpop). All the boys worked at first in coal mine related jobs.

I never seen nor did anyone mention anything special brought from Poland. A friend from Sugar Notch, Mrs. Bertha Wawrzyn, visited Poland every few years to see her family and would visit the family while there. All she ever brought back were photos that she took of the Polish Czarnecki's (see earlier comments).

There was very little discussion of the Polish life and family. Usually, when there was, it was a brief mention of the farm that was left behind. There did not seem to be any regrets about leaving for a better life. After all , they settled among Polish, Slavic, Hungarian, Lithuanian, and Ukrainian people just like themselves. Similar language, similar customs, similar faces, houses, churches, etc. But life was much better than on the farm. They were quite happy in America and much better off. The motherland, Poland, was far off and just a memory, not to be forgotten but no regrets for leaving either.

Periodically a church pastor would run a heritage trip back to Poland for a group. Very few of those who immigrated would return. Occasionally someone "in the family" in America would join a relative for the return trip, Usually meeting the Polish or Slovak relatives for the first time and occasionally maintaining a letter writing relationship afterwards. This DID NOT happen in our family.

There was not very much correspondence with the Polish family. Only an infrequent letter. There were no exchanges other than through the Polish Church which would have clothing drives and send clothes to Poland in general, but not to specific family members. Bertha's photos which came after the trips were the only contact until they asked for the deed to be changed in the mid 1960's.

10/4, 2:19am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

That's only part of the e-mail. But we didn't write and they didn't write. Once the Holocaust was over and they made aliyah, they wrote to us only to ask for the farm back. Otherwise, all contact was done through Bertha.

To them, they wanted nothing to do with us. We were minim (heretics), koferim (apostates), and meshumadim (baptized koferim).

10/4, 2:20am

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

yes a book!!

10/4, 2:21am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

Will do, and thanks for the encouragement.

10/4, 2:21am

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

anytime!

10/4, 2:21am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

Meanwhile, both the Foskos (Foc(z)kos and Rus(z)n(y)aks) were Levites.

10/4, 2:22am

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

yea?

10/4, 2:23am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

The great-granduncle was Staff Sgt. Andrew Lewis ("Levi's"?) Rusnak (I just realized that. I think that he changed it to "Louis".).

That's a long story, too.

So, Grandma's a Maternal Levite, and I have no clue what Pop-Pop is.

All I know is that Dad is a Maternal Levite, maybe of kohen descent.

10/4, 2:24am

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

Wow i want to chat wit u in vid sometime we talk more deeply about this.

10/4, 2:25am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

The kohenim would be the Dudays ("Dudaj" or "Duday" means "horn" in Hungarian and could allude to shofars.).

Ok. That'd be cool. And thank you for listening to my story, by the way.

10/4, 2:26am

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

anytime babe

10/4, 2:27am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

Thanks.

Have a good night, and thank you again.

10/4, 2:27am

[Acquaintance—Identity Protected]

you to lets talk again around sun if its good 4 u?

10/4, 2:53am

Nicole Maratovah Czarnecki

That'd be great.

(By the way, I have a Facebook page and a separate Facebook account for my public work and other public activities—I urge family to reach out to me on my private account. Also, good luck to the family who want to sue me—nothing that I have stated is untrue or even uninferable; you did not copyright our family history or the pictures that you provided, and I am as much a part of our family or families as you are. As Dad, of all people, told Pop-Pop, "You can't change history".)

Response to John Kingdon’s "Agendas", Chapter One (Originally A Short Paper For Class)

As far as I am concerned, John Kingdon raises many factors. For one matter, he raises the parallels between Presidents Jimmy Carter and President Barack Obama—each of whom has been called “the worst president in [United States] history”. For another matter, he raises the question of why the federal government ultimately should count at all—that is, he provokes me to ask, “Why, for example, do we not have a top-down government? Did that not work under President Ronald Reagan? What was the Army Corps of Engineers doing by repairing the Lock and Dam 26 at the Mississippi River in Alton, Illinois, anyway? Should not the residents of Alton be willing to do that? After all, World War Two vets and others were willing to (if you will) raise Hell to get the World War Two Memorial open in Washington, D.C.. I even tweeted that the Obama Administration ought to let the veterans and other volunteers maintain the World War Two Memorial; so, I would apply the same logic to the Lock and Dam 26 at Alton.”

Also, mental health was not even discussed by the government until a localized, New York City reporter at ABC News stole a key to expose the New York State-run institution of Willowbrook (page 15). For mental health to be discussed at more than at 5% rate by even 257 people in the federal government, a city-bound lawyer turned journalist had to be the voice for horribly-underrepresented, mentally- and physically-disadvantaged constituents in Staten Island. Even then, the second hub for the federal government after Washington, D.C. (New York) was really disregarded until one of its denizens, the lawyer-turned-journalist denizen, became a voice for other denizens. That journalist, by the way, caused a ripple effect and did more in terms of policy for the disabled altogether than even 237 federal health and transportation workers could do or wanted to do. Thanks to that journalist, the impetus for writing and implementation of policies such as HIPPA and the Americans With Disabilities Act came about.

Speaking of localized denizens and top-down government, the Carter and Obama presidencies did indeed influence local movements to spring up. With Carter, the Reagan Republicans mobilized the winning votes for the 1980 Presidential Elections. With Obama, the Tea Party gave the U.S. House of Representatives back to the Republicans.

Both presidencies also involved the “Lion of the Senate”, the now-late Edward “Ted” Kennedy. Both times, Senator Kennedy pushed for healthcare reform, succeeding in his goals with his affects on Obamacare—whereas compromise was involved with involved in his pushes for healthcare reform during the Carter administration.

This does not mean that the Carter, Obama, and Kennedy healthcare reforms were good, though—they were actually deforms. They also contributed to hazardous economic effects, including uncertainties that birthed gas-station lines for Carter and a to-be debt-ceiling default for Obama during his government shutdown—which, by the way, should have been an opportunity for a lesson from the late Senator Kennedy for President Obama. The question, therefore, remains thus: ““Why, for example, do we not have a top-down government?”

“Top-down” obviously means devolution, deregulation, and faith-based initiatives as President Reagan and President Bush 43 promoted. I have argued that the government would not be involved if the communities were. President Reagan and President Bush 43 gave this a chance to happen by involving, for example, the faith-based initiatives and top-down (“trickle-down”) economics. Lessons were clearly taken from Reagan and Bush when the government attempted to block off the World War Memorial, and the community of World War Two veterans and United States military supporters stood up and told the government to reopen the memorial. The lessons summed up to that the government will either be uninvolved or even back off if “we the people” will truly be a “government for the people by the people”.

In conclusion, Presidents Carter, Reagan, Bush 43, and Obama along with Senator Kennedy taught movements such as the Reagan Republicans, the Tea Party, and the World War Two Memorial reopeners how to get involved and mobilize for top-down devolution, deregulation, and capitalistic economics—so that such as Presidents Carter and Obama might truly back off and perhaps even reverse their disasters or at least compromise on them (like the late Senator Edward Kennedy compromised on Carter healthcare, although he did not think that he had to do so on ObamaCare—and, boy, was he proven wrong when the Tea Party sprung up and mobilized; and he would hopefully see that he was all the more wrong now that the U.S. is ~$17 Trillion dollars in debt, close to falling, and angering many of its veterans). They—including Senator Kennedy in their group—should have, of course, learned from a local New York lawyer-turned journalist at Willowbrook in Staten Island—who affected at least some other 5% of the 237 federal health and transportation workers to change their tone on mental (and even physical) health really quickly.

Perhaps they can take these lessons and apply them the next time that a lock and dam—perhaps the one at the Mississippi River in Alton, Illinois—breaks—in other words, let the residents at and near the dam site fix the lock and dam instead of letting or having the Army Corps of Engineers come and fix them.