With Miracles Come Curses, Which I Should've Remembered

So I probably (unless by a miracle) failed the Math exam, and I got flack about doing the dishes today. Excuse me; but Michelle was home all day, so she could've easily done the dishes. Besides, when she was texting friends, she could've done the dishes; and all while waiting for a callback from someone. I've waited for things while doing the dishes, cleaning things, etc.. And so what if she already did a first load? She could've done a second one-- and she'd apply that standard to me if I was home all day. Besides, she has an easier time putting the dishes away.

She gets everything (or almost everything)-- the social life, the friends, the not having Cerebral Palsy, etc.. And what do I get? Nada. Lo d'var. She has people reaching out to her left and right, and I don't-- in fact, at least sometimes, I have people deliberately shunning me-- because of my Cerebral Palsy.

As if to prove my point, one of her friends just called her now and she's talking to him or her. I don't have friends call me daily like that-- and yet, my Facebook friends see my numbers on my profile. I hardly even get a text. By the way, she's whining because I'm posting "our private life" on my blog.

Grow up, Michelle; and "[w]henever you feel like criticizing anybody, just remember that [I of] all of the people in this world haven't had the privileges that you've had." And count your blessings.

So A Miracle Did Happen (See My Twitter Status.), And...

This month and my life are still going to be rough. This month alone-- forget being (as Kyle Brofslovski sings) "a lonely Jew on Christmas" (let alone a lonely Messianic Jew), even though I have family and friends surrounding me. I won't have consistent presence but for G-d, and even many nevi'im and others got lonely-- so of course, I'll get lonely with even the presence of G-d. Also, I haven't found the one-- what a lonely thought during Mo'ed Chag Mashiach and in general (especially for someone like me). And Kislev 29 (Hanukkah 4) is Great-Granddad Czarnecki's P'rushi Lu'ach yahrzeit-- he committed suicide on Kislev 29,  5725 (December 2, 1964) by P'rushi Lu'ach calculations.

And my life-- well, I've blogged about that.

I Mean, I Do Have People Praying For Me and All, But...

What big miracle's going to happen this time, huh? Maybe my Computer Forensics professor will have a calculator that I can borrow for my Statistics exam? Maybe I'll find the one? Maybe whatever other big miracle? When some small thing doesn't happen, a bigger miracle sometimes or usually happens. For example, my mom accidentally picked up my sister's bag instead of mine. So, I calculator and other stuff at home, and I can't borrow a calculator or pencil for now. As if my life couldn't get worse...

I can't drive home to get it (I have Cerebral Palsy and OCD/Anxiety/Depression, remember?). My keys are in my bag as well and my sister's asleep, so driving home to get them would be non sequitir. Do you see part of why I'm still tempted to commit suicide?

I Wonder Why I Bother Sometimes...

Suicide looks better. Firstly, I'd be in Heaven (I'm a Christian, so I know where I'm by-grace going.), and I wouldn't have to wait for the Rapture. Secondly, Mom, Michelle, and others (including many who'd like to see me dead and/or never really cared, anyway) would be left to pick up the mess that I leave behind. Also, for what being more known in death than life is worth, I'd be more known in death than life-- I even prewrote my own obituary in case something does happen to me, though (G-d willing) I might have to go back and edit it. At least an obituary, a Facebook, a Twitter, and other updates, and other ways of communication are coverage.

Thirdly, I'm a survivor of a suicide attempt from when I was eight to ten years old. Long story short, after I foolishly erased my Pokemon game on the advice of a "friend", I threatened to stab myself-- with the knife in my hand. I chickened out and put the knife down and away from me.

Fourthly, I'm the survivor of a suicide threat-- I ended up at Sheppard Pratt for that threat, and quite a few of my dad's family don't believe what happened even though the Sheppard Pratt incident finally helped provoke the courts to believe what happened. Fifthly, as I've implied, I'm more disliked than liked for good and bad; and as I said, others would be left to pick up the mess that I leave behind. For some of them, picking up my mess would be pure punishment and judgement against them.

I could go on; but as an endnote, I also consider that children in the Third World segments of the human population have a fate better than mine (since they get, for example, plenty of reward in Heaven and not as much judgement because of what they've suffered and because of the "to whom much is given" standard-- including the age of accountability implication). Sexual abuse victims even also have a better fate than mine because some of them parallel (and sometimes even are) the children in the Third World-- they get sympathy and people who'll help them at some point and juncture, some reward in Heaven just for their suffering alone, etc..

With me; my situation's like, who the hell (including my own church) cares (or really or ultimately cares) about a 'mamzerah' Messianic Jew with Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety/Depression, and mild-enough Cerebral Palsy that she can (seemingly) get by?

I Keep Getting Visitors From Russia... Relatives?

Look, guys (and gals); if you're mishpacha, do not be afraid to contact me. Besides, I still am looking for specifically Jewish (including Messianic) and Anusi (including Messianic, but just understandably scared to admit any Jewishness):

1. Rusznaks (Rusnaks, etc.)
2. Fockos (Foskos, Foczkos, etc.)
3. Novaks (Nowaks)
4. Gajdoszes (Gaydoses, etc.)
5. Ushinskys (Uszinskys, etc.)
6. Huglinksys
7. Trudniaks (Trudniaks, etc.; since one did marry a Jewish Monka)
8. Monkas
9. Chernetskis (Czarneckis, etc.)
10. Morgiewiczes (Margiewiczes, etc.)
11. Andrulewiczes (Andruleviches, etc.)
12. Danilowiczes (Daniloviches; even ones related to Kirk Douglas-- mi estomago!)
13. Laczinskys (Latshinksys, etc.)
14. Hanzoks (Hanssaks, etc.)
15. Homas (Hamas-- plural of "Hama", not the terror group which no Self-Respecting Jew would hang around)

Contact me-- I don't bite.

An Untitled Novel, Part 9

As I looked at a Reform beit knesset on my way from Reistertown Road back to Upper Park Heights, I couldn't help but wonder about the Union for Reform Judaism and eugenics. I should've brought my mom along because I had so many questions for her, including this one: "Mom, why is abortion allowed in Talmud?" Reform Judaism defends their position on abortion with Talmud.

"Talmud states, 'IF A WOMAN IS IN HARD TRAVAIL, ONE CUTS UP THE CHILD IN HER
WOMB AND BRINGS IT FORTH MEMBER BY MEMBER, BECAUSE HER LIFE COMES
BEFORE THAT OF IT. BUT IF THE GREATER PART HAS PROCEEDED FORTH,
ONE MAY NOT TOUCH IT, FOR ONE MAY NOT SET ASIDE ONE PERSON'S LIFE FOR
THAT OF ANOTHER.' Haven't you been studying 'Ohalot'?"

I went back to my hotel room at the Red Carpet Inn that night and reexamined the URJ documents. I guessed that their argument would be that the case of a child having a genetic disease could so unbearable to the mother that she "is in hard travail", thus "her life comes" first. I then understood why my mom once said that what seems to contradict Torah in Talmud is just a sh'eilah."


I was reminded of when she literally threw Talmud at me for me to catch and quoted, "Withhold not correction from the child; for though thou beat him with the rod, he will not die. Thou beatest him with the rod, and wilt deliver his soul from the nether-world." She then explained, "In your case, the rod is the book. As the old saying goes, 'Throw the book at him.'"


I asked her to further explain her sh'eliah comment, meanwhile. "We are given sh'eliot, such as Ohalot 7:6, to see whether or not we will follow the mitzvot in Tanakh. The sh'eliot are paradoxical only in the sense that they are mitzvot until they are realized as sh'eliot which Torah and rachamim override. Actually obeying anything that is a purposeful violation of Torah means that we have failed a sh'eliah."


Wishing my mom "L'Laila tov", I hung up the phone and recited the "Bedtime Shema". I had a long day ahead of me.

"God Help the Outcasts" Lyrics Rewritten

The original lyrics here

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN HEAR ME
OR IF YOU'RE EVEN THERE.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WOULD LISTEN
TO A "JEW GIRL"'s PRAYER.
YES, I KNOW I'M JUST AN OUTCAST,
I SHOULDN'T SPEAK TO YOU.
STILL I SEE YOUR FACE AND WONDER
WEREN'T YOU ONCE AN OUTCAST TOO?

GOD HELP THE OUTCASTS,
HUNGRY FROM BIRTH.
SHOW THEM THE MERCY
THEY WON'T FIND ON EARTH.
GOD HELP MY PEOPLE,
THEY TRY TO LOOK TO YOU STILL.
GOD HELP THE OUTCASTS
OR WHOEVER WILL?

I ASK FOR WEALTH.
I ASK FOR FAME.
I ASK FOR GLORY TO SHINE ON MY NAME.
I ASK FOR LOVE.
I CAN POSSESS.
I ASK FOR GOD AND HIS ANGELS TO BLESS ME.

I ASK FOR NOTHING.
I CAN GET BY,
BUT I KNOW MY PEOPLE, THEY'RE LESS BLESSED THAN I.
PLEASE HELP ISRAEL,
THE POOR AND DOWN-TROD.
I THOUGHT WE STILL WERE THE CHILDREN OF GOD.
GOD HELP THE OUTCASTS
CHILDREN OF GOD.