Depression, Dying In the Diaspora, and Likely Being An Alteh Moid (And Other Matters)

First with the schtick about dying in the Diaspora: well, an ex friend just died at 4:00 AM today. As I told my sister, "I keep telling you about dying in the Diaspora; you won't believe me" or something like that. To watch Yirimiyahu 8:1-7 continuously come true disturbs me. The ex friend was only in his 20s and had cancer, by the way.

Also, what about the four men murdered in Friday's terror attacks as well as Georges Wolinski murdered on Wednesday? Surely, some have to be looking at this and saying, "It is true: 'And death shall be chosen rather than life by all the residue that remain of this evil family, that remain in all the places whither I have driven them, saith יהוה צבאות.' Indeed, 'the stork in the heaven knoweth her appointed times; and the turtle and the swallow and the crane observe the time of their coming; but My people know not the ordinance of יהוה.'

"'And thou shalt become an astonishment, a proverb, and a byword, among all the peoples whither יהוה shall lead thee away.'" That's not supposed to exacerbate the MDD with which I suffer?!

Also, I can't get out of the Diaspora myself. Why? Besides what I wrote yesterday (See "To watch...true" above.), that I'm not married is a factor (and a painful one!)! Did that get into a debate as well, by the way!

Given the following, I may pretty much be doomed either way:

1. Each but for two of my maternal grandparents' post-natal children (including my late aunt Mary Carole) have been divorced and remarried at least once.
2. All of my paternal grandparents' post natal children have each been divorced once.
3. My parents are divorced (no duh!).
4. I have C.P., OCD/ADD, MDD, ADD, and IBS.
5. I'm 24 years old and going on to be 25 years old.

There are other factors as well. Being an undesirable, a divorce statistic, and still single at 24 years old, I'm likely to die an alteh moid. Comforting? No! Exacerbating my MDD? Yes! Having nobody to at least get me out of the Diaspora? Even more exacerbating my MDD!

PS As I was trying to write this whole blog entry, I had to stop for multiple long periods because I couldn't get a moment of quiet. Also, I was pretty much, e.g., shot down on explaining why Francois Hollande called Netanyahu's bluff. To live in a house in which I can't share much without being interrupted, shot down, etc. is all the rougher.

I Need To Find the Man For Me Before I Go Insane....

To put the situation generously, I have an immature sister and a mom who can't accept her part in everything-- after all, she's the one who would send us to visit an abusive Dad by court order, instead of defying the court order for the moral good. Now that she's dealing with quite a bit of the fallout of at least 10 years (1996-2006; and it's been only five years, a month, and a few weeks since we stopped seeing Dad), she continues to say, "I would've been in contempt of court." You can't accept accountability; can you, Mom?

As for my sister, the only reason that I'm not blogging about her is because she threatened to tell Mom if I did (Real mature!). As I said, I need to find the man for me before I go insane to:

1. Get away from Mom and my sister.
2. Have someone provide for me. 
3. Have independence within the context of how much I can be independent, and independent within the context of a stable marriage and household.
4. Not have to commit suicide.
5. Not have to deal with any part of Mom's part of her own fallout of her lifestyle choices. She, not my sister and I, made the choices that got her to having an abusive husband-turned-ex husband and being a divorced-single mom to my sister and me.

The list goes on. Pray that G-d sends the man for me soon.

Even Though I Want To Find the One, I Want To Be Sure That I've Found the One

Of course, I can't fast and pray like the comedian Nazareth did-- I have medication issues. And I can't stalk someone to the bathroom and claim that the urge to stalk him was from the Holy Spirit like Michael W. Smith claimed that stalking Deborah was a call from G-d. I also can't go on Match.com, Chemistry.com, E-Harmony.com, whatever-else-.com:

"1 Corinthians 7:26-28

New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁶ I suppose therefore that this is good because of the present distress—that it is good for a man to remain as he is: ²⁷ Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. ²⁸ But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you."

Besides, I have Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and possible Aspberger's-- I need someone to provide and care for me. But I can't go out of my way to deliberately seek a spouse or fast like the comedian Nazareth-- or stalk someone like Michael W. Smith and claim that the stalking is from G-d. 

People, I'm Realistic; I'm Not Just a Disabled Depressive Who's a Pessimist

And it ain't just what I described in the video. Oh, I've read the horror stories-- e.g., one non-disabled girl was laughed at and ignored by boys in her church because of her breast size. Also, the actress from "Facts of Life" (I stand corrected for saying "Different Strokes")-- her story didn't end like J.R. Martinez's did, and she was born with a disability: she couldn't have gone and served, let alone bravely gotten injured, in the military if she wanted to.

I appreciate and value who I am in the eyes of even the Church and G-d, or else I wouldn't be honest about it: I'd pretend that everything's going to be okay, and that everything work out like it does for a typical person or even for Cinderella. As I said, I wouldn't be honest about who I am if I didn't value and appreciate it; and valuing and appreciating it means accepting it and accepting the reality of it, and accepting the reality (even the cold, bitter reality) that it brings and has brought.

When You're Like Me; Suicide Is Still Awfully Tempting No Matter How Painful It Is

And maybe that's part of suicide's appeal-- the pain, the selfishness. For example, some people say that would miss me if I committed suicide-- boy, would I like to come back and see them put their money where there mouth is (I almost typed "mouth where their money is", but maybe that, too.). Besides, if they want me around so badly (and with all due respect and deference, STFU if you want to start kvetching about how this is typical suicidal talk, etc.; you will utz me):

1. Why do they treat me like they'd rather me be dead? And while they're at it; some of them hate me because I'm on the lowest of the lowest, of the lowest of the lowest rung of the social ladder in general society-- the disabled. For example, I have Cerebral Palsy (Diplegic Spastia); and I don't hear anyone talking about Julie Cirella anymore-- in fact, I almost suspect that some think that Julie Cirella's mother did the right and honorable thing. But they sure as Heaven and Hell wouldn't say that if Julie Cirella weren't disabled (and forget that she's Black-- her disability, not her ethnicity, is what makes her less honored than Caylee Anthony, Leiby Kletzky-- of whom I am a fellow Israelite--, and the Coleman boys, for example.).
2. Why do some of them try to contol my life and otherwise abuse (including ignore and withhold important information, including documents) from me, knowing that they damned well couldn't do that if I weren't disabled? FYI, Dad; were I not disabled, you never would've gotten away with even some of your physical abuse, let alone (among other actions) your verbal and other non-physical abuse and withholding that Great-Granddad Czarnecki and Great-Great-Granddad Foczko both committed suicide (which would have explained why I tried to commit suicide-- people without a history of suicide and/or other significant issues in their family and other history don't attempt or threaten suicide).
3. Same question above, except my prime example-- my thought policewoman of a mother. You damned well know, Mom, that you would never try to control what I at 21 years old say, do, etc. if I weren't disabled and had prospects. And I'm sorrowed (Why should I be "sorry"? I'm not apologizing for having my own thoughts, etc. at 21; so I'm sorrowed)  that, for example, my being proud of my Jewish heritage (no matter how unproud of it Dad and his family are) isn't your cup of tea. Besides, see if I ever tweet about anything that you might need prayer for or any appreciation of anything that you do or go through again-- after all, you "don't want to live [your] life out in the public venue".

I could give more examples, but I think that being on the most-times-over-lowest-of-the-lowest rung of the social ladder and easily abusable because of my Cerebral Palsy is an understandable reason for why I'm still often quite tempted to commit selfish suicide-- rub the pain that they've affected and effected in, and get the last laugh ("See you suckers! I'll be in Heaven; you'll still be here!").

This Might Get Me Into Trouble, But Here Goes My Next Sociology Assignment

"Imagine that you are getting married next week..." and coupled with an assignment that asks, "Where do you stand on the issue [of Affirmative Action]?" When I format the combined assignments into a paper (and I'm going to combine the assignments to save time, paper, and frankly a too-long explanation), I'm not going to type everything that I am typing here. Why? For one thing, calling a professor "stupid" and "hypocritical" would get me into trouble. So I'm going to have to reword my belief that for a liberal professor who is liberal (and you can spell that with a L-I-B-E-R-A-L), relativistic (and you can spell that with a R-E-L-A-T-I-V-I-S-T-I-C), and obviously leftist (and you know what you can spell that with); she sure is a hypocrite and foolishly dense- then again, with Far Leftists like that (and Far Rightists in a parallel way); the old "We're [whatever] for [or to, etc.] you so long as you're for [or to, etc.] us" maxim goes. In other words, for example; one will benefit from Affirmative Action given or applied to him or her by whoever gives or applies said Affirmative Action so long as he or she walks in nearly- or entirely-full lockstep with the Affirmative Action giver.

Affirmative Action, like the ADA (designed by the late Senator Ted Kennedy in order to get the Disabled Community's votes and (so to speak) bites on the welfare hooks), is a ploy used by both sides to (as Juan Williams noted in the example of Herman Cain's case, and so to speak) keep the sheep in the pen or gate. Meanwhile, Jews like me don't get Affirmative Action benefits, anyway; so what's the point? I note that I'm Asian on my applications, then specify "Middle Eastern, Jewish- Ashkenazi", anyway. I also note that I'm Hispanic (which I am), since Nana Allen (my mom's paternal grandmother) was a maternal granddaughter of a Crypto-Spaniard Irelander who came to the United States with his Irish wife (MaryAnn Elizabeth McCoy) and took Nana McCoy's surname as well as the moniker "John".

But for example, at College of Note Dame of Maryland (which is soon to be the bastion of liberalism known as the Notre Dame of Maryland University); being a Jew of Hispanic descent doesn't count anyway, and being disabled doesn't count (and not that the Disabled Community gets Affirmative Action benefits, either)- that is; unless you're a Jew who wills to go along with the Pseudo-Christian Anti Semitism of the Roman Catholic Church (and College of Notre Dame of Maryland), or a Hispanic or Disabled Community member (with all due respect to a fellow student) who is either willing to do the same or is even Roman Catholic and liberal (and this fellow student, as far as I know, is- at least she's Roman Catholic, although I'm sure that she's unsurprisingly liberal as well; and I have never seen a more accomodated-for member of the Disabled Community who is at Notre Dame than her. Me, on the other hand- you can guess how I've been treated and accomodated for; and any accomdation that I have gotten is either minimal and/or surface enough to look like its meets what most people think that the ADA is, or received with my and others having to really push for it.).

By the way, I will concede that at least two NDM faculty members have been an exception in this regard, even though they don't agree with my ideology (and one of them has not been so much of an exception in other regards). To the (if you will) "marriage question" (ugh; I sound like Marx or- I can't believe that I'm repeating this name- Hitler, both of them Self-Hating Jews. And of course, "the Jewish question" or any similar phrase or idea behind it rubs me the wrong way. Anyway, to the question about marriage- which perhaps doesn't sound too much better; but still): this is the (if you will) factor about which I stated that the professor is (among other adjectives which I used to describe her) stupid and dense. Then again, with her (like most people) not being disabled (at least in any uncommon or anamethea way); she wouldn't know (or at least want to know or acknowledge) that (and often times because of people like her and the culture which they shape and are influenced by in turn, although they effect the culture whereas the culture only affects them), in this culture, Cinderella and Snow White have a better chance of marrying than a child of divorce who is a disabled woman, much less a disabled woman is not a child of divorce (and being a child of divorce adds to the disabled woman's being a damned statistic of being a disabled person and/or woman who, because of this culture and the people who shape it, never marry- or at least never stay married, especially because of the damned shallow men and women who consider disabled women as anamethea and as whom to not stay married, much less marry in the first place).

There Were A Couple Times Where I Thought About Committing Suicide Today. Why?

1. I am a diagnosee of OCD/Anxiety/Depression and Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy, and self diagnosee of IBS (I know what I have; thank you very much. My dad has Chron's, and my granddad has had Chron's- but not that he'll admit it- and Colon Cancer).
2. I am housestuck and single especially because of the Cerebral Palsy.
3. I am housestuck and single because said CP renders me unable to drive.
4. My mom sides with and/or enables my abusers and persecutors, and gets angry when I confront them; and takes advantage of the fact that I have Cerebral Palsy, can't drive, and am single. Thus, I am still stuck in her house.
5. My dad and quite a few in his family are evil, enablers of evil, and both.

I could give more reasons, but you get the point.