I Need An Honest Answer Here...

Public OpinionPoll Results

I know [that he cares for me], and I'm not sure if we even 
share many interests, for example.

I'm not saying that to be mean. Even with the last two guys 
I dated (and both were bad apples), I almost had few to no things in common 
with them. Compatibility is important in my considering of a good guy. And I'm 
a divorce statistic waiting to happen if I get with the wrong guy—and I did 
that twice. I didn't marry the guys, granted, but I thought that I would.

And just imagine if I had married either one of them!...They 
were [bad, indeed].

I had to call the police on both… Both for harassment. And, as 
I figured out later, one had raped his previous girlfriend[s] (He had claimed that 
he had raped her.). The first almost hit me after we broke up…I was lucky that I was never 
physically hurt by the other one…I know [that this guy would never abuse me], and 
I'm not willing to get into another relationship unless it's with whom I know 
and am sure is the one…So, it isn't you. It's me; and I don't mean that as a 
cliche….I mean...consider this: my dad and both of his born siblings have all 
divorced and/or remarried. Same with my mom and all but two of her born 
siblings (two were not born), and my Green-Carroll great-great-grandma divorced. 
So did two Trudniak great-granduncles [Frank and Edward, and with Edward being 
divorced three times]. And I've been in two bad relationships.

And I've had to turn you and three other guys down in the 
past couple of years (including [a mutual friend]). So, I am having to be 
careful. In fact, by turning you down, I am (as I did with the other three) saving 
you heartbreak and/or a whole lot of other issues. My dad's family will be 
enough of an issue, by the way. Also add in that I have CP and a baclofen pump, 
Depression, OCD/Anxiety, ADD, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome…. And trust me when 
I say that you will thank me for turning you down. That girl [who he likes] is 
way more in your league than I am. And I mean that in a good way.

[See my blog and my Ancestry.com family tree if you want an idea of my dad's family being a issue in of themselves, by the way. You will find them at my About.me page.]

I Resent The Judgement-Without-Understanding Aspect, And...

Those who judge me:

1. Are the hypocrites who act like Proverbs 31:9 and 1 Corinthians 5 don't mean anything in terms of the context of Matthew 7:1-3—they think that judging means not to judge at all!
2. Refused to let me ever say that "I have an ideal.", etc.
3. Don't listen to me when I'm speaking from experience. Having been called a "gimp" several times (not just by that one person, as I found out when I was searching my saved mail for her comment yesterday), having attracted nothing but those who are not right for me (e.g., gentiles or Non-Messianic Jews) and slimeballs (including one who used taqiyya on me in order to date me), and not having been able to even encounter my ideal at all, I know what I'm talking about.
4. Say that I'm selling myself short—and I know me better than they know me. Even a friend said, "[W]e attract which mirrors us"; and that's scary if that's true—and I'm selling myself short? Give me a break! If my friend's logic holds, I'm not selling myself short at all.
5. Tell me that I'm not getting blessed because I'm sinning—really?! I acknowledged that "he's already taken." I also stated, "I'll never tell unless and until the times comes to tell". I furthermore stated, "He may not be my ideal or a perfect diamond, but he's a diamond in the rough who would definitely be worth having—and, given my own history, I'll take what good guy I can (hopefully, G-d willing) get."
6. Say that I have to do all of the work by saying that I'm maybe not ready for the guy and that I have to do this or this. When I add, "What about him?", then they might add that he might have to do something; but they still say that I have to do something.
7. Say that I'm not getting blessed because I'm sinning. I, for example, waited seven years between Guy One and Guy Two (both slimeballs) and followed the mandate to not seek a spouse, am not pursuing the love of my life unless and until the time right, am even confessing what's going on, and I'm sinning?! Give me a break. Besides, as I said,  "He may not be my ideal or a perfect diamond, but he's a diamond in the rough who would definitely be worth having—and, given my own history, I'll take what good guy I can (hopefully, G-d willing) get." Also, assuming (for the sake of argument) that I'm sinning, people do worse all of the time and they get blessed—even David slept with Bathsheba, murdered Uriah, and got a son in place of the one that he lost for his sins.

And as if I'm the only disabled and/or child-of-divorce person with a sordid family and/or dating history going through the kind of experience that I'm going through? Bullcrap! As I said, I am at least confessing what's going on and asking for prayer about it and waiting on God to send me the love of my life should He will to do so. 

If nothing else, I at least have a backup unless and until God sends me my ideal guy—and one of my judgerers said that she liked my ideal. Also, perhaps my judgerer can give me a favor and  produce my ideal guy, who I haven't been able to get or have at all—until she does, I am not giving up the hope and the prayers that I get the love of my life; since I would be extremely stupid not to have a backup because:

1. I could end up an alteh moid otherwise.
2. I could end up with a Mr. Wrong or another Mr. Slimeball.
3. I could actually end up with him someday or, on the other hand, risk a missed opportunity. Say that I've given up on him and he's available by then, but I can't get him because I gave up on him—and then I missed an opportunity! And sometimes God does create missed opportunities! See Isaiah 45:7 and Romans 9:19-21. Also, "if it was meant to be" doesn't mean that'll it'll always happen—sometimes "it was meant to be" just means "it was the ideal", not that it was planned and was going to happen that way. Even Moses was "meant" to lead the Israelites into Canaan, but it was meant that he should struck the rock and die.

In conclusion, my judgerers must:

1. Think that I'm stupid.
2. Never have had an experience like mine in their life.
3. Never have lived in glass houses themselves—since, after all, they say that "judge not" means "don't judge at all".
4. Must think that they know me better than myself—and the judgerer who said that she like my ideal said that she does know me better than I know myself in some areas; while, according to Jeremiah 17:9, she can't even know her own heart!

As I said, I resent the judgement-without-understanding aspect and really resent that all of the work is put on me, especially when I know that I'm not stupid and even that I'm not the only one going through an experience like I'm going through! 

The Love Of My Life Versus The Ideal, And Why I Would Prefer the Not-Completely-the-Ideal Love Of My Life

I've obviously been kvetching about the love of my life, and I can tell that I've been utzing some people and wanting to make them brekhn. Nonetheless, I wouldn't talk about my true love if there weren't quite a few factors in play. The factors include that:

1. I'm never going to get my ideal.
2. What I have attracted are guys who are either not right for me and/or don't fit my ideal, anyway; are slimeballs, or both.
3. I've had enough of a rough life as my life has been—for example (going back to Factor Two), I had the first relationship from August 2004 to May 2005 and waited seven (almost eight) years only to end up in the other failed relationship (February 26, 2013-March 2, 2013). Both relationships were with people who turned out to be slimeballs, and both of whom I had eventually to call the police on. Add that I'm already a divorce statistic (My parents are divorced; both of my dad's living siblings are divorced as well [and my dad and my uncle each remarried]; only two of my maternal grandmother's born children have never been divorced; two of my Trudniak great-granduncles were divorced—one was divorced two or three times—; and my mom's maternal granddad's maternal grandmother was divorced—and there were other divorces. There've also been miserable marriages—e.g., that of my dad's paternal grandparents.)—now know that I'm statistically likely to get divorced.
4.  I have Cerebral Palsy with an ITB Pump inside of me, OCD/GAD, MDD, IBS, and ADD. Add in Factor Three, and you have why Factor One is in play whether or not Factor Two is added to it.

So, what is my ideal? Besides what I've already mentioned, here's a list:

1. A Messianic Jew—preferably a Levi or a kohen—and one who knows that we are no longer obligated to keep all 613 mitzvot.
2. A virgin (I'm a virgin; and—yes—that should've been obvious on the fact that I have CP alone.).
3. One who is a political scientist, historian, or similar type of professional.
4. One who can deal with my disabilities, family history, etc. 

I could keep listing more points; but just given  that I have CP and that—e.g.—men have left women who have had more-common conditions such as breast cancer, you should have been able to figure out that I wasn't going to get my ideal. Besides, all the good, I'd-never-be-able-to-get-one-of-them-anyway guys are taken by (mostly) non-disabled women and/or who don't have the kind of family history that I have. I'm well aware of all this to the point that I have cried many times over it (I'm crying right now—and, since Mom's sitting next to me, I'm praying that she doesn't see the tears.). After all, I'm the "gimp" who—by someone's suggestion—should've dated "poor jazz player" Charles Polk (I'm well aware at how the disabled are even viewed by even the good people in society, and the good and bad ones who would never say that kind of stuff out loud.).

So, who is the love of my life? As I said, I'll never tell unless and until the times comes to tell—especially since, e.g., he's already taken. Here's some of what he's like, though (I have to be vague since I don't want to give too much away, since some people know or might be able to figure out who he is.):

1. He cares about tikun ha'olam and social justice, and has done and does avodah l'tikun ha'olam that has affected and affects many people, including people like me.
2. He's Jewish and actually comes from a mixed background like I do.
3. He's handsome.
4. He's an acquaintance of mine.
5. Any woman be blessed to have him, despite his foibles and flaws.
6. He's honest.
7. He knows what he believes and why he believes it.

Do you see now why I talk (albe too much) about him and ask desperately for prayer that I may get him? He may not be my ideal or a perfect diamond, but he's a diamond in the rough who would definitely be worth having—and, given my own history, I'll take what good guy I can (hopefully, G-d willing) get.

I Need A Big Break Because....

1. While I'm not the pinnacle embodiment of a rags-to-riches story, I've certainly had struggles in my life. Here's a (so to speak) Molotov Cocktail (or worse of a cocktail) of struggles which I've had:
1. Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy, for which I spent 75 days in the hospital. Born January 23, 1990, I came home on April 7, 1990.
2. OCD/Anxiety--this comes from my dad's Levitical family, the Foskos (Foczkos).
3. Major Depressive Disorder--my dad's paternal granddad committed suicide over this. Relatedly, two Foczko great-great-granduncles and their dad (my great-great-great-granddad) committed suicide.
4. ADD--All I know is that this come from Dad's side.
2. My family history, to say the least, is very sordid. For example:
1. My dad's family in particular was Crypto Jewish from around 1755-after March 12, 2008. I was the on who was chosen to catch them in their fanciful ignorance and deceit.
2. My great-grandma Mary Rusnak Gaydos was a kapo--to not send the money to the Rusznaks who desperately broke the protocol of Evel Rabbati 2I  for the sake of piku'ach nefesh (whether Vilmosz was the one really writing or a Nazi was posing as Vilmosz--though, safe to say, Vilmos had to be the one writing given that Vilmosz survived the Shoah and is still covered up by the family). Because of this, my family is broken and cursed--and I am of the third generation removed from Vilmosz's curser, and of the second removed from his curser's enablers.
3. Because of Points One and Two, my family story is not well known--and besides for what was noted in Point Two, my family is broken.
4. Great-Grandma Czarnecki's blood is left unavenged (As much as I forgive Pop-Pop, I'd still like what he did to catch up with him.).
5. Pfc. Bernard S. Czarnecki (Army, 111th Infantry Division Medical Corp, WW2) is left unrecognized and unavenged.
6. A lot of the verbal and other abuse that I had to endure from 1996 (from when Dad twisted Mom's arm--which is pretty traumatic for a six-year-old child to have to see--and after seeing my dad sleeping on the couch one time at 7:00 on dark morning in 1994) to November 2006 (to when I had endured quite a bit of my own abuse, thank you) is explained by the family history--"Hurt people hurt people"; abuse begets abuse, and (as Granduncle Tony quoted), "Like [dad], like son." (The couch thing--to see parents sleeping separately from each other is also traumatic--if I didn't realize that something was wrong then, I can look back and say that I should've realized that something was wrong then.)
3. I'm no Jeremiah, Elijah, or even faithful son; but I've been a Christian since Easter 1996 or 1997--long before I even suspected that I am Jewish, by the way.
4. I get that "having one's cake and eating it, too" is not a Biblical concept (or usually one), but David, Solomon, and even the disciples (excepting Judas, and counting Mathias) had their cakes and ate them, too (at least in the end).
5. I've never fit anyone's mold--a psychological case with a physical disability, a sordid family history, a broken home, and a situation in which I don't fit in the Christian or the Jewish worlds (and mainly because I'm that interfaith, interethnic[?], broken-home kid with a sordid family history and a medical record to boot. By the way, Mom's--as far as we know--a gentile of Jewish and Latino [Sephardic Jewish?] descent.).
6. I've been a victim of abuse (including what I've mentioned previously and cyberbullying), rejection, and dejection.  
7. I've had two crazy exes, both of whom I've had to call the police on; and I'm only 23. Therefore, my chances of ever getting married--let alone ever staying married--are nill. Besides:
1. My dad and both of his siblings divorced, and my dad and his brother remarried.
2. Out of my mom and her eight born siblings, only two have never divorced or remarried.
3. My Allen great-great-grandparents and my Green-Carroll great-great-grandma all divorced. My "McCoy" great-great-grandparents may have also divorced.
4. There were other divorces in my family.
5. There were terrible marriages in my family, including those of my Czernecki great-great-grandparents and Czarnecki great-grandparents.
6. Take all five previous "Besides" points and Point Seven together, and I'm bound to be a divorce statistic. Also take that I was born disabled and (thus) into the lower level of the American de-facto caste system,  and you get that I'll be perpetually an alte moid  or someone's to-cheat-on "gimp" of a wife (and, yes, I have been called a "gimp").

The list goes on, but my point is that I'm one who needs a break from God. In other words, someone who needs a break from God is me, if there was or has been someone who needed a break from God. Otherwise, my life's going to amount to less than worthless--and I'm just looking at factual and statistical reality.

Besides, someone needs to get my family back together; someone needs to tell the stories of--e.g.--Vilmosz's side of the Rusznak Family, Great-Grandma Czarnecki, and Great-Granduncle Bernie; and someone needs to show that a lower-caste, born-disabled, broken-home, chanceless kid can overcome by God. 

So, I'm Focusing On Some Indirect Relatives' Branches, But...

That doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to see more direct relatives be more found out about (I've had some, but relatively-little, luck or blessing over the past couple of days, and only one instance regarding Dad's side-- as far as I recall.). Meanwhile, speaking of blessings, I have a question for G-d: where's the blessing of karma for Ginny Cha and against Tiki and scheduled-to-be Traci Lynn Johnson Barber? By the way, shouldn't Ginny Cha have justice in her favor? After all:

• But You have seen, for You observe trouble and grief, To repay it by Your hand. The helpless commits himself to You; You are the helper of the fatherless. 
• A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, Is God in His holy habitation.
• Defend the poor and fatherless; Do justice to the afflicted and needy.
• The LORD watches over the strangers; He relieves the fatherless and widow; But the way of the wicked He turns upside down.

Ginny Cha is worse off than a widow in many respects. Her husband, who karma (vengeance) has yet to hit, is still with his mistress while Ginny Cha was left with two on-the-way, and is now left with two newborn, girls and two young boys to raise-- and her husband refuses to pay for his affair and divorce.

Meanwhile, karma has yet to hit some of my own relatives-- including my dad who left my worse off than a widow in many respects as well--, but that's another discussion. Meanwhile, I sometimes wonder (like in the case of Tiki Barber) how long until this will be fulfilled in favor of those like Ginny Cha. I mean, sometimes I wonder, is G-d (so to speak) f___ing with us?

"¹¹ Then I said, “Lord, how long?”

And He answered:

“Until the cities are laid waste and without inhabitant,
The houses are without a man,
The land is utterly desolate,
¹² The Lord has removed men far away,
And the forsaken places are many in the midst of the land.
¹³ But yet a tenth will be in it,
And will return and be for consuming,
As a terebinth tree or as an oak,
Whose stump remains when it is cut down.
So the holy seed shall be its stump.”"

How I look forward to the End of Days!