The "Nicole Factor" Is Online

Welcome to the Nicole Factor at blogspot.com.
Powered By Blogger

The Nicole Factor

Search This Blog

Stage 32

My LinkedIn Profile

About Me

TwitThis

TwitThis

Twitter

Messianic Bible (As If the Bible Isn't)

My About.Me Page

Views

Facebook and Google Page

Reach Me On Facebook!

Talk To Me on Fold3!

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Hungary, the Holocaust, And the Russian Pale

As quite a few have requested, Hungary is hopefully starting to work on curbing or eradicating its Anti Semitism (for the time being. After all, (יהוה (ב''ה warned that all nations but for Israel and the remnants of every other nation would come to end.). After all (as at least some people have learned, and I think because of בני אנוסים like me), Hungary was a hub for אנוסים from the Warszawa, Radom, and Lodz Foc(z)kos to (as I found out recently) some Andreloviches (which surprised me) and the Trudnyaks (who, as an 1811 baptism record indicates, originally came from Krakow gubernia after they had already allegedly fled Jablunka in Moravia), to openly-Jewish Jews like the Rusznaks and Uszinskys (and the Uszinskys did indeed sneak out of the Russian Pale and/or Congress Poland into Saros megye—I just don't know exactly when or from where). Incidentally, I think that "Jablunka" was actually "Jablonka" in Nowy Targ—as Great-Great-Granddad Trudnyak (ז''ל) claimed to be born in Kacwin, and his wife (ז''ל) claimed to be born in Lapsze Nizne and resided in Nowa Biala before she left for New Jersey.

Even though Hungary forced all Jews to have surnames by 1787 and had nominal religious freedom by 1868, it was actually a hub for escaping openly-Jewish Jews and אנוסים. It was also a hub for those who became אנוסים in Hungary and stayed there. Even Wikipedia, for example, begrudges that the Hungarian city of Aranyida (now Zlata Idka, Slovakia) is "almost entirely Slovak in ethnicity". The begrudgement was written when the Wikipedia page, which was last edited on September 17th of 2013, was first written on September 15, 2006. So, even Wikipedia concedes that some Non-Slovakian ethnic groups reside there, and has done so since 2006—long before I knew who the Foczkos and Rusznaks really were—and that אנוסים and בני אנוסים resided in an "almost entirely Slovak" small town must really wrangle them, since (as I've learned from experience) they don't like אנוסים and בני אנוסים, or יהודים משיחיים (especially יהודים משיחיים  who are בני אנוסים).

By the way, Kacwin is "Kaczvin" or "Kacvin"; Lapsze Nizne is "Alsolapos"; Jablonka is just Jablonka, and Nowa Biala is Ujbela. As for Saros megye, that covered a broad range of Slovakia and Hungary. Also, notice that the Trudnyaks allegedly fled from Moravia in the Austrian Empire into Hungary (before it was a part of Austria Hungary), the Foczkos and Uszinskys fled in Hungary, and Michael and Anna Munkova Trudnyak (my Trudnyak great-great-grandparents) claimed to be born in Polish-Slovakian Hungarian small towns (and to be fair, Anna Munkova did reside in Nowa Biala and was named after her Levoca [Locse]-born and -baptized sister. Mihaly Trudnyak, however, was baptized in the Nagy hub of Terezvarosi, Budapest—and the Nagys were אנוסים who were far from Kacwin, and certainly not in the Austrian part of Austrian Hungary at any time!).

In conclusion, Hungary (at least for the time being) is hopefully becoming the country to whose dependencies and proper אנוסים and open Jews fled, and where quite a few אנוסים who became אנוסים stayed. 

When Tragedy Is Close To Home Or Even At Home

I was born in Baltimore, Maryland, and lived in Columbia, Maryland throughout my childhood. I still live in the Baltonapolis Area (I'm not saying where), and I can tell you that the tragedy was close to home. In fact, I was under the impression that Columbia, Maryland is the county seat of Howard County (It is not, though—Ellicot City is. Incidentally, that's how much I've been unable to get out.). I was even under the impression that Columbia, Maryland is the Wilkes Barre of Maryland (As I said,  I was under the impression that Columbia, Maryland is the county seat of Howard County.).

Who knew that Columbia, Maryland would make the news this way? My sister was angry that Julia-Louis Dreyfus called Columbia "dreary". I just thought that she doesn't know Columbia. From schools like Owen Brown and Oakland Mills, and even (quite frankly) Jeffers Hill (and I went to both Owen Brown and Oakland Mills Middle Schools, as well as Jeffers Hill Elementary), to the busstops at Howard Community College and signs in the neighborhoods (at least my childhood neighborhood), the culture of Columbia is quite evident—and "dreary" is a compliment (especially since, for example, some brats burned a bridge in my childhood neighborhood a while back. The bridge has long since been rebuilt, by the way.).

As far as I know, I didn't know the victims (of blessed memory) and I don't know their families (May they be comforted at this difficult time.). I also don't know whether I knew the shooter, and speculation is indeed vain. Nonetheless, I would not be surprised if the shooter did end up being one of my classmates—after all, one of my classmates was involved in a second-degree murder (I thought that, that kid was a brat; but I never expected him to be involved with a second-degree murder. Could it even be him who was the shooter? I doubt it, but I don't know—the last that I heard is that he'd been arrested for his part in the second-degree murder, although he wasn't the one charged with second-degree murder. Unless the Columbia Mall shooter does turn out to be him, I won't name who he is—and if you want to know, Google for his name, since that's how I found out that there was an incident that he was involved in at all.).

Another classmate, meanwhile, died of a drug overdose and left a son behind. Also meanwhile, I was once at an arraignment hearing for the at-the-time boyfriend of one of my classmates. I could talk about other incidents concerning Columbia and Columbians as well.

So, this shooting shouldn't have surprised me. It did, and it shouldn't have. Columbia, Maryland, is more than "dreary" after all—and now it's on the news as more than a "dreary" city. It's not the city that Edward Norton is (or was) proud of (and I didn't even know that Hollywood had Jim Rouse's Columbia-raised grandson in it for the longest time.). It's not the city that Aaron MacGruder is (or was) proud of (I guess. From what I recall, he was raised here—or at least raised around Howard County. For some reason, the idea that he went to Oakland Mills High School came to mind—though I could have a wrong idea.). It's not the city that Jim Rouse would be proud of, either.

Again, I can tell you that "dreary" is a compliment for Columbia, Maryland—especially after an incident like this, and an incident that should not have surprised me as at all.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Part Of Why I Just Feel Like Giving Up Quite Often

https://twitter.com/GeraldoRivera/status/426684163291226112I didn't necessarily know how to start answering the question of why I just feel like giving up quite often. Then I found a Sodahead poll that gave me a start. As I answered, life is getting worse in general. "It's a paradox. On one hand, we'll always have poor people (cf. Matthew 26:11, Mark 14:7, John 12:8). On the other, much is required from whom has much (cf. Luke 12:48). Now, nobody was poor among the Church in its early days (cf. Acts 4:32-5:11), but we're in the End Days and life is getting worse and worse (cf. Daniel 12:1, e.g.)."

Since (as the old saying goes) it's all going to Hell (quite literally, and at least for a little while, anyway—for "Heaven and earth will pass away," as Matthew 24:35a states) and there will be a new Heaven and new Earth (cf. Revelation 21:1, e.g—meaning that this age will pass away, and a new age that'll last for 1,000 years and eternity will come), just to throw in the towel (so to speak) is quite tempting. Besides, I just found out that my major may indefinitely leave me in unemployment limbo—and I obviously still don't have a job, or else I wouldn't be in unemployment limbo (well, really, non-employment limbo—since I've never been employed, so I can't have ever been unemployed). Also, as my Political Science 301 class's textbook reads, Political Science is a major for those who want to study (e.g., research in) the science of politics, not actually practice politics—and I may have majored in History or Journalism had I known that, and even Mom says that I should have majored in Computer Science or Information Systems instead of Political Science—and here, I thought that I had a major that would help me get into the news business or politics! 

Furthermore, my attempt at getting even an interview miserably has failed so far—and both times!—and on the day that I was going to improve my interview video (long story short), I was unable to make the video due to audio and other problems (e.g., a fight with my sister that did not end well—and to end that fight took a lot of time and energy). Also, being on LinkedIn has not helped.

Apparently, doing a YouTube video and utilizing social media to even seek an interview in this day and age has ironically (and/or paradoxically) backfired—here, as a friend noted, I was trying to be innovative and, in my innovation, miserably failed. In addition, Mom said that I should do it the traditional way and send out resumes, cover letters, etc..

Well, excuse me, Mom—if I could drive around to employment places and send out resumes, etc., I would. Then again, I really have no resume on which to go. In addition, being (or at least trying to be) humble and honest (as is my Christian duty) leaves me all the more in non-employment limbo. One of the criticisms that I got was that I was too personal in my interview video. Well, excuse me—what would have happened if I didn't disclose that, for instance, I have Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and ADD until an interview? Either way, I'm screwed: damned if I do, and damned if I don't!

Furthermore (again with Mom not knowing what the heck she's saying), disabled people are still looked at as liabilities and scapegoats (and again, what would have happened if I didn't disclose that, for instance, I have Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and ADD until an interview?). After all, Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott (who was not born disabled) was scapegoated by both Texas State Senator Wendy Russell Davis and her supporters, and (allegedly—as I read on Twitter, since I slept in late and missed "Geraldo" on WABC this morning) Geraldo Rivera—and I'd like to believe my sister that Geraldo meant "handi-CAPABLE", but (if he really said what @seaheather alleges that he said) I don't think that he meant "handi-capable". Even Geraldo Rivera apparently (and disappointingly so) goes to prove my point!

Meanwhile, I gotta go....while I'm typing this, my mom and sister are trying to justify not owing me an apology for not knowing what they're talking about when it comes to being disabled in society!  

Thursday, January 23, 2014

My Own Open Letter To Democrats

Firstly, let me disclose that I have Democratic family members. Also, I don't hate Democrats, regardless of the fact that some hate me—in fact, I am to love them; since I am to love my enemies, Democrats and Non Democrats alike. Secondly, love is part of why I am writing this open letter. I have a friend on Facebook who publicly wrote that he has "[a] special message coming tomorrow especially for the liberals and [D]emocrats. Unfriend me or delete me as you wish." For the liberals and Democrats in my own life, I invite you to do the same if you wish to do so. However (as I'm quite sure that my friend does not want his liberal and Democratic friends to do), I do not want my liberal and Democratic friends to unfriend me. Nonetheless, as a friend (and again, out of love), I will speak the truth to you (and other liberals and Democrats).

Let me start by saying that I am a cousin of Delegate Steven Deboy (D-Baltimore) and a granddaughter of the late retired IRS Agent Jack Czarnecki (an ardent Democrat whose mother, of blessed memory, was a Clinton Democrat). So, right off the bat, you know that I have every reason to be a Democrat—and I don't know what more reason I have to be a Democrat if being a cousin of a Democratic state delegate and the granddaughter of a Jewish Democrat who served tax papers to a viciously-Anti-Semitic Republican isn't reason enough. Besides, my granddad probably secretly shared the sentiments against me that Geraldo Rivera once told Senator Eric Cantor that his mother expressed against him—"What's a nice Jewish boy doing being in the Republican Party?" (or something like that—too bad that I can't find a clip of it. In my case, it would be "Jewish girl"—and my granddad hated me for other reasons as well, and he made that quite clear in his obituary when he listed his stepgranddaughters before he listed my sister and me.)

Also, Delegate Deboy's and my patriarch John T. O'Farrell, Sr. served in the Civil War as a Confederate—and if you know history like I do, you can reasonably ascertain that Pop-Pop Farrell (who dropped the "O'" from his name to assimilate, although he was quite proud to be Irish) was not a Republican. By the way, he lived in Richmond and Atlanta; and those were Dixiecrat bastions. As for Pop-Pop and his mother, they both fell for the lie that Jews have to be Democrats—and that Roman Catholics do, too. 

Remember that Pop-Pop was an Anusi v'ben-Anusim, and that Great-Grandma was both a bat-Anusim and Believing Jew—and if she was pressed, she probably would have confessed to being Jewish. In my own experience and from what I understand, I have rarely known about and/or known a more-honest and -loving person. She wasn't given a choice over what was in her obituary, by the way—had she been able to write her own obituary, she probably would have "talk[ed] about it". After all, those were her exact words to my Aunt Mary about how Great-Granddad treated her and other matters—"No, no; it's okay—I want to talk about it.

From people who knew exactly what they were doing (e.g., Pop-Pop Farrell and Pop-Pop Czarnecki) to people who just never thought about questioning what they were doing (e.g., Great-Grandma—since she didn't have the time and strength to do so), plenty of people in my family have lived the lie that certain people—usually, Non-WASP people—are supposed to be Democrats (After all, even the Civil War Era's Southern United States had plenty of Non-WASPS—for example, Irish Catholics like Pop-Pop Farrell and Jews from the Non-Messianic Judah Benjamin to Messianic Levite David Levy Yulee. By the way, as far as I know, Judah Benjamin and David Levy Yulee are not related to me in any way other than we can all trace our family lines back to Ya'akov ben Yitzchak avinu—they're just examples of Non-WASP Southerners who fit the "Non WASPs are not supposed to be Republicans" stereotype.).

Why they bought into the lie is something for which each of them have been or will be held accountable. Nonetheless, and as I said, I will speak the truth in love. After all, as Paul wrote down concerning my own people in general, so I quote concerning especially the Democrats among my family and friends—whether or not they are of my people—"For I speak to you [outsiders]; inasmuch as I am an apostle to the [outsiders], I magnify my ministry, if by any means I may provoke to jealousy those who are my flesh and save some of them." (NKJV, emphasis in the original)

Of course, the original wording in Romans 11:13-15 was "Gentiles". In this letter, I am replacing "Gentiles" with "outsiders" to refer to those who are not among my family and friends—since I want to speak to the Democrats on the outside as well, especially if they are among my own people (who actually are among my family, anyway, since all of the families of Israel are within the family of Israel).

Now that I have disclosed my Democratic family background, the caveat that I don't hate Democrats (much to the chagrin and disappointment of some Non Democrats, I can ascertain), and my at-least-basic knowledge of history, let me get to the letter. The letter is simply this, or can at least be summed up in this—as if the background isn't part of the letter(!):

I do not understand why a person who at least aspires to be—if he or she is not already—a well-informed and wise person of integrity would ever be a Democrat. After all, what kind of knowledge and wisdom could ever affect an upstanding United States citizen to join a party that was first led by a man who signed off on what led to the Trail of Tears? I just do not see how an American could intelligently and wisely support a political party that holds up Andrew Jackson as a good man and politician. 

In the same vein, what kind of knowledge and wisdom could ever affect an upstanding United States citizen to join a party that supported every evil from slavery to Jim Crow, to the Holocaust? Besides, men like Representative Walter Cohen of Louisiana (an African American and a kohein about whom I encourage you to Google) and my cousin Tibor Rusznyak (a Holocaust survivor of blessed memory) had lived through the evils that Rousseauian Liberals (in contrast to Lockean, or Classical, Liberals) enabled, supported, and/or outrightly caused. Because of having done so, they were Lockean Liberals (Republicans). 

In fact, that African Americans such as Representative Cohen were generally Republicans until Barry Goldwater foolishly decided to vote against the Civil Rights is well known, and (as I myself learned fairly recently) Representative Cohen was also not an anomaly among Jews in his day—in other words, Jews were generally Republicans in the 19th Century, and they somehow got (as the saying goes) off the derech after the 19th Century. For whatever reason, that fellow Jews like Tibor Rusznyak had experienced the horrors of Rousseauian Liberalism in its most-extreme form  (e.g., Fascism such as National Socialism) and applied their experiences to their political lives did—and apparently still does—not matter to them. By the way, the other forms of Rousseauian Liberalism in its most-extreme form include Communism, as—for instance—Lockean (Classical) Liberals Gabby and Anna Hoffman, daughters of Communism survivors, can tell you—and I encourage you to follow them on Twitter and Facebook.

In conclusion, I do not understand how an American who aspires to be or already is a learned and wise person of integrity could ever be or a Democrat. After all, how would he or she be able to knowledgeably and wisely vote for any Rousseauian Liberal in good conscience? Since the acts of being a Rousseauian Liberal and voting for Rousseauian Liberals are inherently lacking in knowledgeability, wisdom, and integrity, an American who is a Democrat gives the impression that he or she is uninformed and/or unintelligent, foolish, and of bad character. This is because he or she seems to be a supporter of the kind of racism, Anti Semitism, and all other manners of evil that Rousseauiann Liberals such as Andrew Jackson and other Dixiecrats, and Adolf Hitler and other National Socialists (whose names and memories God will surely wipe out unless they ever repented) enabled, supported, and/or outrightly practiced (and let me assure you that very few Nazis and Nazi supporters have ever repented or truly repented, or they would have turned themselves in to the Nuremburg, Jerusalem, and Hague authorities).


Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Maczkovecz...Definitely Jewish; Just Trying To Break It Down

"Maczko":

from maka ‘flour’ [See "Monk"], presumably a metonymic occupational name for a miller or a nickname for someone with a very pale complexion.nickname from a diminutive of mak ‘poppy’.

"Macko":


Macko Name Meaning


Polish (Macko), Ukrainian, and Slovak: from a pet form of Polish Maciej, Slovak Matej, or some other Slavic form of Matthew.

"Mattityahu" (מתתיהו) is originally Hebrew.

So, the Maczkoveczes (Mackovecs, etc.) were either "Millersons" or "Matthewsons"—basically, "of Matthew" or "bnei-Mattityahu" (בני מתתיהו). "Vec" or "vecz" ("vec" Magyarized or Polonized) means:

vec-noun
thing
modelpredmetdetailmaličkosťzáležitosťvec
affair
aférazáležitosťvec
matter
záležitosťvecvecipredmethmotaobsah
issue
dôsledokotázkapredmet sporusporný bodsporná otázkavec
cause
príčinadôvodvecsúdny spor
business
obchodpriemyselpodnikaniepovinnosťzamestnanievec
job
zadaniepracoviskoťažká prácazamestnanierobotavec
item
položkapoznámkabodvecjednotkačlánok
object
predmetvecobjektcieľzámerúčel
question
otázkavecproblémpochybnosť
concern
veczáležitosťzáujemznepokojeniekoncernfirma
care
starostlivosťstarosťopatrnosťdohľadpozornosťvec
article
predmettovarveckusčlánokbod
piece
kuskúsokčasťdielvecjeden
entity
vecobjektcelokbytietelesopodstata
gizmo
vecvynálezvymoženosť
vec-preposition
re
vecvo veci

So, basically, we're—unless we're "Millersons"—sons of Matthew or "things of Matthew" (Nice! In all seriousness, Jews didn't always get desirable names.). I don't know whether this Matthew was one in the Diaspora or even מתתיהו התלמיד himself (if מתתיהו התלמיד had any children, and any children that stayed in or reverted to Non-Messianic Judaism. On the other hand, they could have been children who were Messianic and became part of the lost tribes and/or completely assimilated and absorbed, since I know of no Messianic lines that have been fully Messianic since the time of התלמידים ושליחים.). He could've even been מתתיהו המכבי, but this is doubtful.

By the way, I had to play around with Google Translate, take Hebrew 101, etc. to get the Hebrew. I am not translating this for you; so, look it up and/or otherwise learn it for yourself—to do so is the best way to learn it for yourself. I grant that some would say, "Well, didn't you have people teach you and otherwise help you learn?" כן, and I had to—עם עזרת וחן יהוה— be a willing תלמידה.



Monday, January 20, 2014

So What Does Forgiveness Do?

Besides what was already mentioned (and forgive me if I repeat myself), forgiveness:

  1. Sometimes makes you even forget what the person who offended you did in the first place.
  2. May not make you forget what the person who offended you did in the first place, but it may make you realize that what the person did in the first place is not worth holding a grudge over or actually even that bad. This doesn't mean that the person is right for what he or she did—in fact, he or she may be (at best) completely misguided in what he or she did (and may even continue to be doing), and even (at worst) deliberately wanting to be blind to what he or she did (and may even continue to be doing). Also, what did Jesus say? "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." (I don't have the reference right in front of me, by the way...it's Luke 23:34a. I was darned close—I thought that it was Luke 23:24 or something like that.).
  3. Make you the better person in that moment. "Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.”" (Luke 17:3-5) 
  4. Make you realize how much you need to be forgiven and hypocritically fall or fall back into unforgiveness. "Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who arespiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted." (Galatians 6:1)
After all, Rabbi Jesus warned, "But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison." (Matthew 5:22-25)

Therefore, especially if you're Jewish like me—especially if you are Non Messianic and still under the Old Covenant—, for you to fast on Yom Kippur (which is on or around October 3, 2014, depending on which calendar you observe) would be quite hypocritical and pointless, for you will not be forgiven despite that you are שומר או שומרת הצום של כיפור.

Unforgiveness Hurts...

"Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thy heart; thou shalt surely rebuke thy neighbour, and not bear sin because of him. Thou shalt not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD. "
(Leviticus 19:17-18, JPS)

Sometimes, people show how far they can go with unforgiveness. Oh well; it's still worth the risk of seeing if they forgive you & forgiving them for not forgiving you. Now, are most people going to agree with Jesus' words on this? Absolutely not! In fact, I know that some of the people who have left me unforgiven vehemently disagree with Jesus, but they would at least came to agree with the passage from Leviticus—they some apparently do not. 

Nonetheless, what did Jesus—despite what he was, whether or not he was the Messiah or just a great rabbi—say?

"“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:43-48, NKJV)

Meanwhile, what about me? Is there unforgiveness in me? Sure, and I know that I won't be forgiven until I forgive—and even if I'm not forgiven for my faults, I have to forgive others for theirs (including for not forgiving me). Again, what did Jesus say?

  • "And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plankis in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." (Matthew 7:35)


  • "And when He had said this, He breathed on them, and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.”" (John 20:22-23)
As my mom said, by the way, only those who have and/or trust in the Holy Spirit can truly forgive.


  • "Forgive, and you will be forgiven." (Luke 6:37c)


  • "“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15)
Again, there is unforgiveness in me; and I won't be forgiven until I forgive, even if I'm actually not forgiven in the end. But why is this there unforgiveness in me? Am I not a believer? I'm a believer, and one who is both:
  • Left unforgiven for my faults by some people (and I am being generous and forgiving by not naming names, at least this time if I've ever named you—you know who you are, and may what I am able to write here convict you of your unforgiveness)
and

  • Blamed for and left unforgiven for sins that I didn't even actually commit. For example, I was abused as a kid and blamed for things that I did not do and called a sinner for righteous things that I did do.
Why is this relevant? Jesus said, "[T]o whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.”" (Luke 7:47b) This is why I myself have a hard time forgiving people—especially since some people might take my forgiving of them as a sign that they can hurt me again. Plus, I have Obsessive Compulsive and Generalized Anxiety Disorder; so, I'm afraid that I might take it as a sign that they can hurt me again just because I've forgiven them.

Meanwhile, here is one more word from Jesus (through his emissary Paul, whether or not you believe that Jesus spoke directly or indirectly through Paul) before I go back and conclude with one more passage from Tanakh (not counting Hadashah):

"[I]f anyone has caused grief, he has not grieved me, but all of you to some extent—not to be too severe. This punishment which was inflicted by the majority is sufficient for such a man, so that, on the contrary, you ought rather to forgive and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one be swallowed up with too much sorrow. Therefore I urge you to reaffirm your love to him. For to this end I also wrote, that I might put you to the test, whether you are obedient in all things. Now whom you forgive anything, I also forgive. For if indeed I have forgiven anything, I have forgiven that one for your sakes in the presence of Christ, lest Satan should take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices." (2 Corinthians 2:5-11)

Unforgiveness truly does hurt. As stated, "This punishment which was inflicted by the majority is sufficient for such a man, so that, on the contrary, you ought rather to forgive and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one be swallowed up with too much sorrow."

In conclusion, I urge you to think about the following passage and watch the video that follows it:

"Didst thou not just now cry unto Me: 'My father, Thou art the friend of my youth. Will He bear grudge for ever? Will He keep it to the end?' Behold, thou hast spoken, but hast done evil things, and hast had thy way...

"Only acknowledge thine iniquity, that thou hast transgressed against the LORD thy God, and hast scattered thy ways to the strangers under every leafy tree, and ye have not hearkened to My voice, saith the LORD. Return, O backsliding children, saith the LORD; for I am a lord unto you, and I will take you one of a city, and two of a family, and I will bring you to Zion; and I will give you shepherds according to My heart, who shall feed you with knowledge and understanding. " (Jeremiah 3:4-5, 13-15, JPS)