“Easy On Me” and Great-Granddad

 In the Willi Gittens cover of the Adele song, I can hear the lyrics much more clearly than I heard in the original version and other covers. As far as I can tell, even though Adele obviously never knew my paternal grandfather or his parents, this could have been essentially my great-grandfather’s final days summed up. To sum up (or again sum up) his life story, I can tell you the following: 

Great-Granddad (ע״ה)  treated Great-Grandma (ז״ל) in a hurt-people-hurt-people way. He endured a lot of trauma just from living as a pogrom survivor and Crypto Jew whom, with his rape-survivor mother, had to flee what is now Poland as quickly as he could. He, I now think, had a rape-conceived sibling whom was left behind in Poland and not, as I previously thought, born in the United States. He became a paternal orphan when he was 17 going on 18, and he would experience a lot of other loss by the time that he himself died. As I write this, for example, his brother Bernie’s 61st secular-calendar yahrzeit came and went four days ago—and Bernie (ז״ל), being the youngest brother at just over 15 years younger, ideally should have outlived him. So should have my first granduncle Tony—his firstborn son (ז״ל.). 

After essentially losing his childhood and losing (among over 10 others in a total of just under 60.17 years ) at least two siblings in his first 20 years (including his left-behind sibling in 1907-1908), both parents by the time that he was 31 (with neither of his parents reaching even 60 years—let alone 70 years—of age), and a younger brother and a younger cousin (Lillie Czarnecki Trudnak, ז״ל) in the same year (1963/5723), he endured the final straw. With the coal mines closed down in Sugar Notch and his right leg lost (specifically, his three middle toes and his lower leg severed) in a lawnmowing accident, he lost hope of any employment and of staving off PTSD and Depression flareups. 

He would have been familiar with tashlich and netilat yadayim as well as mikvot. He would have also heard of baptism by immersion (for at least the mere reason that Northeastern Pennsylvania actually contained a WASP community even during its Non-WASP demographic shifts), and he perhaps would have explained to Great-Grandma and my younger granduncle Tony (ז״ל) what drove him to a suicide attempt had he survived it. 

These lyrics alone would capture that, plus the facts that he did change his mind about suicide and that he did leave a suicide note in the car: 

“There ain’t no gold in this river 

 

 “That I’ve been washin’ my hands in forever 

 

“I know there is hope in these waters

 

“But I can’t bring myself to swim

 

“When I am drowning in this silence…”

I don’t know if Granduncle Tony or Great-Grandma ever read or even saw the suicide note that was found at the scene. What I do know is that Granduncle Tony was an 18-year-old paternal orphan whom was still living with a hurt-people-hurt-people father and a now-widowed mother. What I also know is that Great-Grandma was a conflicted 51-year-old widow whom had endured an abusive 30-plus-years marriage: 

 “There ain’t no room for things to change

 

“When we are both so deeply stuck in our ways

 

“You can’t deny how hard I have tried

 

“I changed who I was to put you both first

 

“But now I give up… 

 

“So go easy on me”

 

Why “Religious Trauma” Is Usually A Valid Explanation—Even Though Not An Excuse

 In very few cases is “religious trauma” actually a cover for sin or at least a full cover. For example, many Catholic- and Amish-raised people experienced sexual and non-sexual abuse while being told, “You shall not hate your neighbor in your heart” and “Your shall honor your father and mother.” 

Some, e.g., Catholic- and Amish-raised people were indeed disrespectful brats, although many if not most lashed out because, e.g., their parish priests and deacon neighbors were sexually abusing them; and/or their parents were hypocritically telling them things like, “God doesn’t love you, you God-damned sinner. You don’t question what the church leaders say, no matter how much you think that you should be able to read the Bible for yourself. Who in Hell do you think that you are for wanting ‘a personal relationship with Jesus’? Jesus didn’t die for you so that you can do whatever in Hell you want. Do what you’re supposed to do—‘honor your father and mother’, and ‘do not speak against a leader of your people’—especially if you’re not Paul, and you’re without any reason to speak against a high priest.” 

After a childhood of such sexual and/or non-sexual abuse, a child may well be made twice as fit for Hell as the abusers because he or she engages in, e.g., homosexual activity after being raped by the parish priest or familial abuse after being verbally and mentally abused by his or her dad whom was an Amish bishop. The latter is, e.g., actually the case of Fannie Beechy Yoder—her son Eli frequently speaks about how her mindset is still even to please “her father, the bishop” or “please her daddy”; and she went on to marry the very-abusive Henry Yoder, whom himself was a target of child abuse. She herself went on to abuse Mr. Yoder as he began to turn his life over to Jesus and considered leaving the Amish, and even after he began to repent of his own abuse; and she continues to abuse Eli and his family simply because they talk about the Pseudo-Christian abusiveness within much of Amish culture. 

Therefore, there are less merely-spoiled brats and way more Fanny Beechys and Eli Yoders (and Eli himself perpetrated and perpetuated abuse until he became born again in 2017). 

PS I also have faced religious trauma, although I am aware that, that does not excuse my own sins; and I all the more I understand when Jesus warned the Pharisees about making people twice as fit for Hell—and especially Dad’s ancestors in recent generations faced trauma from Rabbinic Jewish leadership and from Pseudo-Christian leadership (Being born under fences around the Torah and with a distorted understanding of Jesus can cause Crypto Jews more trauma than either most Jews or gentiles realize or care to realize). If I did not work to understand where some of my own sinful behaviors over the course of my life have originated, I would be just as badly on a path as many of my family members. 

PPS I don’t need to talk about the Catholic part as much. If you followed my blog, write any of my other ratings, and/or know me personally, you very much understand why the Catholic Church caused me religious trauma—and caused me to understand why my especially father’s family still tries to hide our Jewish heritage when they’re not exactly open to the fact that I found out about it (Apathy or feigned ignorance is the least-hostile response which I’ve seen; and family on both sides have been markedly hostile, including in enraged denial, when I’ve brought up our Jewish heritage. Dad is not mixed, whereas Mom is; and while neither identity as Jewish, especially some of Mom’s relatives have been eager to point out that we’re mostly of gentile descent on those sides as well as from outwardly-Catholic and -Lutheran backgrounds within recent generations. One, Colleen DeBoy*, did so very publicly on my blog; and she is the only one who my will be mentioning publicly for that reason.

(*We are descendants of the mixed-blooded-Jewish John Adam DeBoy, a descendant of Catherine Peltz, and Ella Farrell, whose father was actually Jewish. How the Farrells were Jewish is not exactly clear to me to this day, although I’m still taken aback by the fact that the custom of omitting flowers was a Farrell custom, and not a Peltz custom that Pop-Pop DeBoy kept.)

#WoofWednesday: The Post-Grooming Photoshoot That You May Need To See

 

There are an additional 27 photos in a separate photo burst. Reilly is a little gift that keeps on giving just by being Reilly.

Trigger Warning: Depiction and Description of Cambodian Genocide Of 1975-1979

 Unfortunately, Instagram would not allow me to mark the following painting as “sensitive”. When I began to paint this, I had no idea where it was going. What could I do with a poorly-painted human form that looked like a corpse? Then it clicked: I was eerily reminded that Cambodians were left as nothing on “killing fields” by the Khmer Rouge. I either did not know or remember that the #CambodianGenocide. ended only 45 years ago on January 7th. As I researched and painted, I thought about what the Cambodian Buddhist monk in the painting would think (The painting is at the end of this poem. If you are sensitive, please do not look at the painting.): 

“As my garment of the monk that I was

“Blended with the blood that sunk as flies buzz

“Above me (and my life that penetrated ground 

“(So much that which is cloth of Buddhist robes confound)

“My soul cries out and wonders if my family

“Will ever identify what calamity

“Left of me on the thorn, thistle, and briar.

“Will I be abandoned with no pyre

“For what remains of me?

“My relatives can’t see

“Or call out my name, or hear—

“As they, too, have not one bier

“Or mourner left to carry them—for I perceive 

“The voices of loved ones agonizingly leave

“The mortal realm and join me among the souls

“Of the victims of the Khmer Rogue as rolls

“The field in which my body lays (and in which my eyes

“(No longer bring forth water, but bring forth what belies

“Any claim of any wisdom by the Khmer Rouge). 

“As strong waves of red from socket to socket deluge

“More than the Mekong River ever could flood,

“The clay of my form softens as if the mud

“Of a bank it was destined to be

“Instead of committed properly

“According to Cambodian tradition—

“All because of Pol Pot’s dereliction.”

PS Jonathan Glazer Can Refute God’s Protection All That He Wants—And That’s On Him

 Through blood-shot eyes and under war-torn skies,

Through sleepless nights, we must survive and fight

Just to live another day, and to pray 

That victory will come by El Shadai

With His mighty hand and outstretched arm

To defeat the band that seeks to harm

The chosen nation, to whom the God of ben-Yishai

Swears His salvation forever—‘Am Yisra’el Chai! 

Commentary: Better Sleep, Better Societies?

 I guess that precisely because I’m up late for multiple reasons, I can ponder on the following: would people in general make better sociocultural (including political and economic) decisions overall if they just got more regular sleep at night? Perhaps part of the reason that American and other societies are failing is that those societies often have all-night, 24/7, etc. gas stations, convenience stores, bars, etc. Of course, to sleep at night (let alone sleep well at night) can be difficult for those of us with chronic conditions such as mental illnesses (e.g., Depression) and Spinal Disk Degeneration (C3-C7 for me). To live within cultures and societies which don’t encourage regular sleep can also make sleeping (let alone well) at night—especially for those of us with chronic and sleep-depriving health conditions—difficult. 

Perhaps American and other societies need to encourage a scaleback to 8-12/6 gas stations, bars, etc.; a lack of late-night TV shows and reruns, and other measures that positively affect proper sleep. After all, only emergency personnel (including EMS professionals and urgent-news reporters) are the only people whom need to be on a 24/7-on-call basis. The rest of us can take (one or) two (melatonin pills or whatever else to help us get to sleep) and answer the calls of societal hustle and bustle in the morning.

Were Secular Names Just Random or Arbitrary? If You Believe That Our Ancestors Were Unintelligent, Yes.

 TL:DR: our ancestors were not unintelligent, and even calquing “Rachel” with “Rosa” or “Rose” was very specific. 

If you actually read: 

Let’s start with my my own case: I could have taken “ניקול” or “ניכול” as my Hebrew name when I found out that I’m Jewish. I made a concerted effort to look up what a Hebrew name equivalent to my secular name would be. “נצחיה” was already there. As far as my Hebrew middle or second name: 

1) I don’t want to give out my secular middle name to most people for multiple reasons. 

2) “מרה-טובה” (good bitterness) describes my life perfectly. 

Someone else suggested that I just use “מרתה” (Marta or Martha). I declined that suggestion because: 

1) That name does not fit with either of my secular names in any way. 

2) I am not a direct descendant of any Marta or Martha, as far as I know, and I did not know that my paternal grandfather’s aunt Sophie Martha Thomas-Brighton (née Trudnak) existed until after my great-grandmother (ז״ל) died. I also did not know that Great-Grandma herself was a daughter of Crypto-Jews until after she died. Because I did not know Great-Grandaunt Sophie personally and am (as far as I know) not in contact with any of her living descendants, I think that I would actually be insulting Great-Grandaunt Sophie’s memory and her side of our family if I use “Marta”. 

This isn’t just my view. In Jewish culture, uses and transliterations of names as well as translations of names are actually important. Despite what some might say, many actually tried to keep the Jewish (Hebrew or Hebrew-dialect) and secular (non-Jewish) names as close as possible in some or another form. 

Now to “Rachel” “Rachel” (“Ewe”) and “Rosa” (“rose” or “pink”): while the names indeed correlate partly due to the first letter in Latin lettering, they also correlate because Rachel’s life was seen like the life of a rose. Fragile and thorny was Rachel’s life indeed, no matter the sweetness or blossoming in it. After all, even though she was the favorite wife of Jacob, she wanted to die because of competition against Leah and her own infertility (“Give me children lest I die!” we read that she told Ya’akov avinu). When she finally had biological children (as the sons born to Bilhah were put with Bilhah instead of her when Ya’akov had to divide everybody), she died in childbirth and named her second child “בן-אוני”—“son of my sorrow”.

Our ancestors understood how thorny, fragile, and bittersweet Rachel’s life was, even if they could read only Hebrew lettering and not—for example—Latin lettering (all of which—despite their various orthographies—the various Romance languages, the Germanic languages, Slavic languages such as Polish and Slovakian, Balkan languages such as Serbian and Croatian, and Magyar use). 

Our ancestors were scattered and often could not even read or write in Hebrew dialects, let alone read and write in the various languages surrounding them in the Exile. Their lack of proficiency in any given language—especially after lack of proficiency was forced by oppressive law—did not equate to a lack of intelligence. Therefore, for instance and as demonstrated, they did not just randomly or cavalierly equate “Rachel” and “Rose”— they understood the correlation between the fragile, thorny, and bittersweet life of a rose and the life of Rachel imeinu—which was fraught with peril, distress, and sorrow even in the joys and suffering in the blessings.