With All Due Respect To Survivors Of Suicide (Even Myself, You Have To Remember)...

I had to laugh in my head when someone talked about losing her friend to the "dark tunnel of suicide"--she, like others, talks about how suicide is "difficult" for the survivors. Survivors of suicide like her (even if they don't say it) also think about how suicide is selfish, etc..

Well, firstly, the "dark tunnel of suicide" wasn't that dark for him--he committed suicide! Besides, secondly, like he probably thought, I'm thinking more and more that I agree with the sentiments (and I've--when I've Googled "Why shouldn't I commit suicide?", for example--seen and/or picked up the sentiments) that:

1. Suicide may not be that damned selfish after all.
2. The survivors may be being the ones who are selfish--who are they really crying for, after all? (By the way, Wayman Tisdale did not commit suicide, but you get the point.)
3. Since people are complaining about population control, it wouldn't (or at least shouldn't) kill you (pun intended) if we kill ourselves, anyway. After all, you sure don't feel--or at least act like you feel--that losing us would kill you while we're still alive--or at least most of the time, you don't. In fact, you usually act quite the opposite way while we're alive--that is, that you'd even want to see us gone and are just too tactically polite to say that. Even, for instance, while the one person talked about how her loved one "was close to me and all his friends and family" and was a "great friend", the loved one sure didn't feel like he was--or why else would he have committed suicide? Or maybe he felt like he was on his end but not on his loved ones' ends--after all, why didn't he stick around if he truly felt like he was loved by his loved ones.
4. Since you don't care for or even want us around while we're around and alive, that we'd be no longer around or alive would be better for all parties. Besides, you can really put your sentiments behind your "I miss you when you're not around" and "I'll always love you" words when we're really not around.
5. Suicidal people and suicide committers may, in some senses, be ahead of their time. For example, my great-granddad committed suicide on the day that Mario Savio spoke and helped usher in Jacob's Trouble--and he had seen enough of Jacob's Trouble on the horizon in his day. By the way, in case anyone's asking, I did tweet that I gained a whole new respect for Great Granddad for that in a perhaps-perverse since.
6. Since, again, you don't care for or even want us around while we're around and alive, that we'd be no longer around or alive would be better for all parties. After all, if and/or since we're really that much trouble to you while we're alive and around, we'd be putting an end to both our and your miseries if we decided to commit suicide. Also, again, that'd solve your population-control issue.
7. Since we may be well ahead of our time and you don't want us around, quit your (for a lack of a better term and with all due respect) bitching--we're perhaps even escaping to Heaven. Even if we're not, we were predestined for Hell (where you at least surely acted like you wanted us, anyway). Regardless, we'd be cutting our days short--perhaps to your satisfaction, as you made it seem half of the time.
8. The only reason that we don't commit suicide is because we're too damned in dread of what would happen if we did commit suicide or--worsely--if we actually survived a suicide attempt and had dreadful consequences associated with our failed suicide attempts and survivals thereof (or therefrom--whichever; you get the point). 

So, give suicide commiters and those of us who've been suicidal--for good reason--a break. You didn't seem to care for your suicide-victim loved one when he or she was still here--or else he or she would still be here, because he or she would know that he or she had a friend who's even a sibling or even close than one. You don't seem to care for us now--in fact, you're sending us the same messages that you sent your suicide-victim loved.

And that's why I laughed--not because I thought that his suicide was funny, but because I thought that (as he must've thought or would think) she's a damned hypocrite for saying what she should've said and meant while he was alive. Had she truly meant all that she said now that he's been gone for two years, he would've never gone through that suicide attempt--even Jeremiah stayed alive because he had Baruch and Hanamel, and Elijah had 6,999 others .

So, with all due respect to survivors of suicide (including those who've been suicidal like I have), give suicide victims and those who've been suicidal (including yourselves if you've been suicidal) a break! At least if you give us a break, we'll stay around to at least make you selfish brats and hypocrites happy--even if you really don't care for us, and at least to prove that we're not selfish like you--nor would we actually be selfish if we decide to take ourselves out of your lives! 

All Bluster From the Andrulewiczes Who Come To This Blog: aka, If You're Serious About Whether We're Jewish...

Make the effort to contact me. I get that you'll run into opposition: heck; I, e.g., ran into idiots like Ann McGill Garcia-Mones who want to deny that Julius Danilowicz and his side of the family were Jewish. But how are you going to counter the stumbling blocks like Ann if you don't coalesce with those who are being blocked by the same blocks?  In fact, let me copy and paste what she wrote to me to prove to you that I've dealt with what you're dealing with:

"Nicole, I am blocking you from contacting me. I feel you are attacking me. You seem to be a very angry person. I choose not to be your whipping boy! There are many situations that have happened in the history of the world that are very sad for me. I have had contact with many people over the years doing ancestry research but NEVER anyone that has communicated me as you have come to do. I wish I could wave a magic wand and say that because you found an Adam Danilowicz on Julius Danilowicz' passport application that he is related to you. I just do not think it is so. I am a very experienced in ancestry research. At this point I do not think you have a relative named Julius."

She wants to deny that one can be Jewish and Catholic--whether Crypto Jewish or otherwise--at the same time. She also wishes to deny that my family is my family. No wonder, then, that "[m]y cousin [Paschal Danilowicz's widow] is...difficult to communicate with...[and h]er children have not been very helpful." Also, her cousin's illness ("My cousin is not well and it is difficult to communicate with her. Her children have not been very helpful.") has nothing to do with the communication difficulty--honest people who face history even when it contradicts what they would like it to be will not stand for revisionism. By the way, I do not blame Paschal's widow or his children for any of this: Ann only proved to me that she is another block to the Danilowiczes (such as us cousins of Alexandria Alice Danilowicz), Andrulewiczes (such as us descendants of--surprise, Ms. Mones, Alexandria Alice Czarnecki nee Andrulewiczowna, who married a Danilowicz-Czernecki cousin!), and others (e.g., the Margiewiczes) who stumble into the brick walls especially because of the blocks! (Oh, and Ann, learn about Ashkenazi Jewish naming customs and why "Alexander" variants are important in Jewish culture--perhaps instead of abusing and condemning me, you'll learn why "Julian" and "Alexandria" [and variants thereof] appeared in the family, and mind your own business and stick to your McGills and Tuckers. The Danilowiczes and related families are not, except for Paschal's marriage to your cousin, to mess with!)

Back to the point: be assured that:

1. You will guarantee this kind of opposition, revisionism, etc.
2. To hold whatever opposition, revisionism, etc. you encounter in mind--even if you forgive it in your heart--is important. Forgive, but do not forget.
3. As I said, I see bluster from the Andrulewiczes who come here. I have not once gotten an email from an Andrulewicz that reads something like, "Hey; are we Jewish?"; "Shalom; when did your branch convert?", or "Nicole, I see [or know, have heard, etc.] that your paternal granddad's paternal grandma was my [whichever relative's] [whichever kind of relative]."
4. Tying the three subpoints together, as aforestated, you need to contact me if you're serious about whether we're Jewish; and not just being someone's (or someones') real whipping boy or girl, or being just a statistic in my Google or FeedJit statistics.

The burden of proof lies on us--as it has from Biblical times for especially those who are kohenim (and whether we are such, I do not know). The burden of proof becomes all the more important when you have those like Ann and P'rushim who are as Ezra was--putting their Jewish children and gentile wives away instead of confirming the covenant of Israel with their children, and with their wives with whom they had become one as they should have done. After all, given that we converted to pagan Vaticanism to save our lives in Byzantine Vaticanist Russia (though God certainly used evil for good by even bringing some of us to Yeshua ), we are like the children of the pagan wives who were put away--especially because that we are Jewish was hidden from us. 

This is my first post from my phone. Since I can e...

This is my first post from my phone. Since I can e-mail only 160 characters from my phone, the post is short. Today's busy, anyway.

There's The Paradox of Hope and Reality, Because...

Oftentimes, hope and reality do not match up. Expecting the best is a mistake--"Always suspect the worst of others; you'll rarely be disappointed." Always suspect the worst of others and yourself, and you'll be pleasantly surprised when the best happens--just don't expect the best to last long, let alone forever. Even a fruitful septuagenarian or octogenarian life--let alone a nonagenarian or centenarian life--is a gift. Only where hope is, is where the best and better will last forever--and hope is in the Lord alone.

Otherwise, forget even hope: reality, especially without hope, is a screwy business--and what about death, which ends reality in this lifetime for those who are taken by it? If you're going to Heaven, then you know where you're going. But if you're going to Hell (and you probably are if you're unsure if you are [though I'm not talking about if you're just having doubts], or if you're sure that you're not, going to Heaven), take Dante's admonition seriously--"Abandon all hope, ye who enter [Hell]." 

By the way, Hell is a Jewish concept--Scripture aside, "the Talmud [of all books is] quite descriptive of the place we now call hell...The Talmud is much more detailed concerning the fire and darkness of hell, even supplying descriptions concerning its size, divisions and entrance gates." If you need proof, go look at what the P'rushim think about Jesus and Hell.  The P'rushim particularly hated Jesus because, at the very least and a point on which Messianic Jews and Non-Messianic Jews can agree, Jesus "transgress[ed many] of the enactments of the Scribes"--punishment for which, according to the "Scribes", is death and boiling in semen or fecal matter--and the P'rushi scribes exalted themselves, including Eliezer ben-Hyrcanus HaKohen, to be Yehovah: "My son, be more careful in the words of the Scribes than in the words of the Torah, for in the laws of the Torah there are positive and negative precepts; but, as to the laws of the Scribes, whoever transgresses any of the enactments of the Scribes incurs the penalty of death."

Using the P'rushim as an example, you would best suspect the worst of others--there is no end to how any human being (whether Jewish or gentile, rich or poor, politician or constituent, clergy or layperson, or any other kind of person) can make life Hell enough for even him or her self--much less and/or let alone for others. " Put not your trust in princes, nor in the son of man, in whom there is no help....Happy is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God". "[P]ut your trust in the LORD."

As Controversial And Ill Timed As This Seems...

When anyone dies, I (or at least I should) always hope that they were saved or came to salvation if they were not saved prior to their dying moments (As for the ones who were saved, that "[p]recious in the sight of the LORD is the death of His saints." is obvious. Nobody has to worry about where the saints are going.). As for those who weren't saved, their fate depends on their works. For the saved, "This is He who came by water and blood—Jesus Christ; not only by water, but by water and blood. And it is the Spirit who bears witness, because the Spirit is truth.  For there are three that bear witness in heaven: the Father, the Word, and the Holy Spirit; and these three are one.  And there are three that bear witness on earth: the Spirit, the water, and the blood; and these three agree as one."

Therefore, grace is indeed a Jewish idea, and that grace is a Jewish idea must be communicated to especially the Jewish soul before he or she even has to face death. For, God chose the Jews and then any gentiles who are to be grafted in. So, share but don't proselytize;  let the Jewish soul choose as he or she will, but don't squander any opportunity to share the Gospel with any Jewish soul. You are guilty, by the way, if you do not take the opportunity to share when you called to share ; and you are fit for Hell if you pervert the Word of God--whether the Hell be in Hell itself or even in Heaven, even though you escape Hell itself. 

I myself testify as one whose Believing Jewish family members--e.g., Mark Gavrish--have helped save their Non-Believing (even Crypto-Jewish) family members (v.g., Stanislaw "Stanley" Czarnecki, z'l). I also testify as one who has family members in Hell (and if you think that that's easy and not troublesome for me to say, think again--I have gotten heat for speaking out against family members and their actions, for example, and even disbelief. One example is the dishonest Claire Bradley--I even offered that she contact Granduncle Tony, so that he could tell her what I told her happened to Great-Granduncle Bernie; and what does the perverter do? Cut out that part that I told and make what I wrote to her sound like she wrote it herself--and those are the kinds of people who run FindAGrave, by the way [Long story, but now you know why I detest  FindAGrave, though that site is a necessary evil for the time being.]).

In conclusion (and writing this blog entry with the sad guarantee that, verbi causa, Great-Granduncles Johnkie and Suzy are in Hell right now), I urge you to communicate to especially unsaved Jewish souls that grace is a Jewish idea before the time passes, and let them choose what their fate will be. 

Closing Thought For The Night: Non-Messianic Judaism Versus Messianic Judaism

Non-Messianic Judaism says, "I can attain merit on my own righteousness and follow tradition." Messianic Judaism says, "'And he believed in the LORD; and He counted it to him for righteousness.'--So if Abraham had to rely on G-d and on faith, what of me?! I can't do it on my own! 'Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? Then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil.' Since human nature is like skin color, I can't rely on myself--I have to rely on G-d to merit my righteousness!" L'laila tov.

I Need A Big Break Because....

1. While I'm not the pinnacle embodiment of a rags-to-riches story, I've certainly had struggles in my life. Here's a (so to speak) Molotov Cocktail (or worse of a cocktail) of struggles which I've had:
1. Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy, for which I spent 75 days in the hospital. Born January 23, 1990, I came home on April 7, 1990.
2. OCD/Anxiety--this comes from my dad's Levitical family, the Foskos (Foczkos).
3. Major Depressive Disorder--my dad's paternal granddad committed suicide over this. Relatedly, two Foczko great-great-granduncles and their dad (my great-great-great-granddad) committed suicide.
4. ADD--All I know is that this come from Dad's side.
2. My family history, to say the least, is very sordid. For example:
1. My dad's family in particular was Crypto Jewish from around 1755-after March 12, 2008. I was the on who was chosen to catch them in their fanciful ignorance and deceit.
2. My great-grandma Mary Rusnak Gaydos was a kapo--to not send the money to the Rusznaks who desperately broke the protocol of Evel Rabbati 2I  for the sake of piku'ach nefesh (whether Vilmosz was the one really writing or a Nazi was posing as Vilmosz--though, safe to say, Vilmos had to be the one writing given that Vilmosz survived the Shoah and is still covered up by the family). Because of this, my family is broken and cursed--and I am of the third generation removed from Vilmosz's curser, and of the second removed from his curser's enablers.
3. Because of Points One and Two, my family story is not well known--and besides for what was noted in Point Two, my family is broken.
4. Great-Grandma Czarnecki's blood is left unavenged (As much as I forgive Pop-Pop, I'd still like what he did to catch up with him.).
5. Pfc. Bernard S. Czarnecki (Army, 111th Infantry Division Medical Corp, WW2) is left unrecognized and unavenged.
6. A lot of the verbal and other abuse that I had to endure from 1996 (from when Dad twisted Mom's arm--which is pretty traumatic for a six-year-old child to have to see--and after seeing my dad sleeping on the couch one time at 7:00 on dark morning in 1994) to November 2006 (to when I had endured quite a bit of my own abuse, thank you) is explained by the family history--"Hurt people hurt people"; abuse begets abuse, and (as Granduncle Tony quoted), "Like [dad], like son." (The couch thing--to see parents sleeping separately from each other is also traumatic--if I didn't realize that something was wrong then, I can look back and say that I should've realized that something was wrong then.)
3. I'm no Jeremiah, Elijah, or even faithful son; but I've been a Christian since Easter 1996 or 1997--long before I even suspected that I am Jewish, by the way.
4. I get that "having one's cake and eating it, too" is not a Biblical concept (or usually one), but David, Solomon, and even the disciples (excepting Judas, and counting Mathias) had their cakes and ate them, too (at least in the end).
5. I've never fit anyone's mold--a psychological case with a physical disability, a sordid family history, a broken home, and a situation in which I don't fit in the Christian or the Jewish worlds (and mainly because I'm that interfaith, interethnic[?], broken-home kid with a sordid family history and a medical record to boot. By the way, Mom's--as far as we know--a gentile of Jewish and Latino [Sephardic Jewish?] descent.).
6. I've been a victim of abuse (including what I've mentioned previously and cyberbullying), rejection, and dejection.  
7. I've had two crazy exes, both of whom I've had to call the police on; and I'm only 23. Therefore, my chances of ever getting married--let alone ever staying married--are nill. Besides:
1. My dad and both of his siblings divorced, and my dad and his brother remarried.
2. Out of my mom and her eight born siblings, only two have never divorced or remarried.
3. My Allen great-great-grandparents and my Green-Carroll great-great-grandma all divorced. My "McCoy" great-great-grandparents may have also divorced.
4. There were other divorces in my family.
5. There were terrible marriages in my family, including those of my Czernecki great-great-grandparents and Czarnecki great-grandparents.
6. Take all five previous "Besides" points and Point Seven together, and I'm bound to be a divorce statistic. Also take that I was born disabled and (thus) into the lower level of the American de-facto caste system,  and you get that I'll be perpetually an alte moid  or someone's to-cheat-on "gimp" of a wife (and, yes, I have been called a "gimp").

The list goes on, but my point is that I'm one who needs a break from God. In other words, someone who needs a break from God is me, if there was or has been someone who needed a break from God. Otherwise, my life's going to amount to less than worthless--and I'm just looking at factual and statistical reality.

Besides, someone needs to get my family back together; someone needs to tell the stories of--e.g.--Vilmosz's side of the Rusznak Family, Great-Grandma Czarnecki, and Great-Granduncle Bernie; and someone needs to show that a lower-caste, born-disabled, broken-home, chanceless kid can overcome by God.