Even Though I Want To Find the One, I Want To Be Sure That I've Found the One

Of course, I can't fast and pray like the comedian Nazareth did-- I have medication issues. And I can't stalk someone to the bathroom and claim that the urge to stalk him was from the Holy Spirit like Michael W. Smith claimed that stalking Deborah was a call from G-d. I also can't go on Match.com, Chemistry.com, E-Harmony.com, whatever-else-.com:

"1 Corinthians 7:26-28

New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁶ I suppose therefore that this is good because of the present distress—that it is good for a man to remain as he is: ²⁷ Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. ²⁸ But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you."

Besides, I have Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and possible Aspberger's-- I need someone to provide and care for me. But I can't go out of my way to deliberately seek a spouse or fast like the comedian Nazareth-- or stalk someone like Michael W. Smith and claim that the stalking is from G-d. 

What If We Have To Wait Another 400-430 Years? But No Other Generation Saw Israel Reborn...

To watch the world and those in it in the states that they are in (Try saying that a few times. But in all seriousness, watching the world's and the Church's states) is depressing. Parsha Lekh L'kha gives a scary idea:

Genesis 15:12-16

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹² Now when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and behold, horror and great darkness fell upon him. ¹³ Then He said to Abram: “Know certainly that your descendants will be strangers in a land that is not theirs, and will serve them, and they will afflict them four hundred years. ¹⁴ And also the nation whom they serve I will judge; afterward they shall come out with great possessions. ¹⁵ Now as for you, you shall go to your fathers in peace; you shall be buried at a good old age. ¹⁶ But in the fourth generation they shall return here, for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet complete.”

Following up on that is an excerpt from Shemot:

Exodus 12:39-41

New King James Version (NKJV)

³⁹ And they baked unleavened cakes of the dough which they had brought out of Egypt; for it was not leavened, because they were driven out of Egypt and could not wait, nor had they prepared provisions for themselves.
⁴⁰ Now the sojourn of the children of Israel who lived in Egypt^[a]was four hundred and thirty years. ⁴¹ And it came to pass at the end of the four hundred and thirty years—on that very same day—it came to pass that all the armies of the LORD went out from the land of Egypt.

So there were only 30 years of freedom in Mitzrayim:

Exodus 1:5-10

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁵ All those who were descendants^[a] of Jacob were seventy^[b] persons (for Joseph was in Egypt already). ⁶ And Joseph died, all his brothers, and all that generation. ⁷ But the children of Israel were fruitful and increased abundantly, multiplied and grew exceedingly mighty; and the land was filled with them.
⁸ Now there arose a new king over Egypt, who did not know Joseph. ⁹ And he said to his people, “Look, the people of the children of Israel are more and mightier than we; ¹⁰ come, let us deal shrewdly with them, lest they multiply, and it happen, in the event of war, that they also join our enemies and fight against us, and so go up out of the land.”


And there are roughly 10 of 30 weeks of years (300 years) before Hell breaks loose: 1517, the Reformation officially begins; 1815, the Congress of Vienna and the first one-world government. But also, 1517-1917 (The U.S. officially enters WWI.) or 1492-1892 (The Inquisition begins, then the Ellis Island Era begins.). WWI broke out on July 28, 1914, and then the Great Depression began on October 24 ("Black Thursday"), 1929.

 In between those times, Prorto Zionism and Zionism begin, really kicking off in the 1850s (when Messianic Judaism is first officially recognized, according to Dr. David Stern and others) to the 1900s (And actually, Herzl enters the scene in or after 1892 re the Dreyfus Affair.).

No other generation before the 1850s-1950s, and especially the 1890s-1940s, saw the refounding-- the teshuvah v'aliyah-- of Israel. And since there were 400 years between Yeshua and the last of the Nevi'im before Yeshua; you'd think that 1517-1917 (or even 1518-1918, October 31, 1518 - November 11, 1918; if you want to count the First Anniversary of the Reformation to Armistice Day) or 1492-1892 would be painfully enough.

But Yehezkel 38 re Persia is getting ready to happen any day (It's happened with Put v'Kush.), and yet still no Rapture. Do you see why I get depressed in part now?

I Should Definitely Blog About the Addictions Thing, Meanwhile...

I won't elaborate on the inappropriate sexual thoughts here, since some of them could get me further shunned and for the fact that there may be children or teenagers reading this blog (as if teenagers don't have sexual thoughts... but I still want to be a good example for the younger adults and legally-considered-to-be children. I'm well into being a bat mitzvah-- some of these young a just became bnei v'banot mitzvah.).

As for the other addictions, they can be read about on my Twitter (@Nickidewbear) and heard about in a YouTube video which should have led some of you here. I'll blog more b'haboker (and blogging daily or almost daily is a commitment, one which can partly affect one to be worn out). L'Laila v'L'Erev Shabbat Tovim.

Speaking of Great-Grandma Czarnecki And En El Primero de Novembre de 2011...

Y en el Dia de Los Muertos 2011, I think of and remember Great-Grandma Czarnecki. I think of the woman who was my great-grandma and who I took for granted all those times that we visited her at Apartment 214, 10 E South Street in Wilkes Barre. I think of the woman whose history I never knew or took time to knew-- so she's Pop-Pop's mom, Great-Granddad's widow, the one who's Lithuanian (I assumed from what I was told.). I think of the woman whose life came to a cold, callous end in a hospital with its possessor's leg amputated and with a murder-malice-intenting son who committed Social Security in it.

I think of the good Jewish Evagelical Catholic mother and wife, aunt and sister, and daughter who I've learned so much about since she's been gone-- the daughter of a gentile Trudniak and Jewish Catholic Monkaova of Kacwin and Lapsze Nizne, Poland (both then in Slovakian Austria Hungary), the mother (and grandmother and great-grandmother) of Jews herself ("And in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.”"; "and in your seed all the nations of the earth shall be blessed;"-- and if she didn't know, she'd at least be tickled to know that her seed and her mother's seed are also descendants of at least many of the nations of the earth); the wife, aunt, grandaunt, great-grandaunt, and otherwise a relative of a diverse Jewish family

(e.g., I don't think that she'd care anymore that her son Tony's wife is Irish-- she didn't like that Grandaunt Mary Ellen is Irish. Maybe she wanted, but just never said that she wanted, Granduncle Tony to marry a good Jewish girl-- particularly an Ashkenazic Jewish Catholic girl, Anusit or open about her Jewishness-- and not make the same mistake that she did and marry a meshugener, who would've been a meshugene in Granduncle Tony's case. V'chalilah when Pop-Pop married Grandma-- she did not like her. She even cut her out of a picture and replaced her with a Christmas tree.).

And looking back on all I've learned and all that I saw for myself, especially in a Jewish context; I see an elter-bubbie for whom I will pursue tzedek-- "Tzedek, tzedek, tirdof."-- and let her son learn that of all things that he's done, (so to speak) stepping all over his good Jewish Christian mama is one thing with which he will not get away.


I am a Monkaova Trudniak, no question.

Great-Grandma Czarnecki her grandson Gary on my dad's first wedding day, July 22, 1989. This is how I remember her-- except that she was much older when I met her.

At Dad's baptism. Great-Granddad is next to her.

She is holding Aunt Mary, Great-Granddad next to her and holding Dad. Granduncle Red is on the right, Granduncle Jim next to Great-Grandma.



Great-Grandma Czarnecki on her wedding day, May 10, 1934. I should've known-- she was too pretty to be just Slovakian.

With mama Anna Trudniak nee Monkaova

I'm Doing A Little Better, And It'll Be A Day-To-Day-Thing...

A day-to-day and pray-to-pray thing. Having Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy plus OCD/Anxiety/Depression and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (and the BRCA1 gene), plus being a "mamzerah" Jewish American in a culture and in communities that don't accept Jews-- especially Messianic Jews-- is hard. Add having an imperfect-- e.g., covetous, adulterous, faithless, hopeless, hypocritical-- human nature to all that, and you've got a situation where a day-to-day, pray-to-pray thing is needed. Also, I'm still living with Great-Grandma Gaydos' avodah koferah (If you think that we have Vilmosz's et. al.'s blood removed from our hands-- although Vilmosz and others did survive-- you're meshuga: you don't understand what guilt down to the third and fourth generations is). And I'm living with Great-Grandma Czarnecki's blood because of Pop-Pop's avoda kofer and how he is left unprosecuted after almost five years.

So as a disabled, trying-to-figure-out-my-identity-as-a-Jew Jew and Jewish-American Christian with more than just Cerebral Palsy and meshuges un tsuris in di mispoche to deal with; I have a long, painful way and road to go-- though prayers have been answered so far, even if (over the years) not always in ways in which I'd've liked them to be answered.

Piano Lessons (And Calling Myself To the Carpet Is A Process)

In piano lessons today and during other times, I realize that I freak out and am not as focued as I should be on the music. Per my OCD/Anxiety/Depression and possible Aspberger's-- and non-medicated AD(H)D--, I can't stay as fully focused. I think about getting through practice as quickly as possible, or at least trying to, and being like the others who can (so to speak) churn out something like Bach's "Prelude in A Minor" in a minute or two (I can't play as fastly because of my Cerebral Palsy.). I worry about what other people will think, even if and though they're not in the practice room. For example, on the cover of the "American Soldier" sheet music is a picture of Toby Keith-- it's almost or somewhat like Toby is there and watching me-- and what would he think? (As I said, calling myself to the carpet, including sharing my weirder thoughts, is a process.)

And I don't practice as much as I should. Due to OCD, etc. and escapism, etc.; I just don't practice as much as I should-- I practice in small spurts, too-small spurts. And during my spurts, I often have the computer in my room by me. And as I said,  I think about getting through practice as quickly as possible, or at least trying to, and being like the others who can (so to speak) churn out something like Bach's "Prelude in A Minor" in a minute or two-- and get to their computers and go on Facebook or whatever.

I'll, unless by some miracle, never be Mozart, Beethoven, or Sallieri.

How Jews Can Celebrate the Day of the Dead-- Exclusively-Shared Political Cartoon

This isn't what his grave looks like, by the way. It's just a Jewish-Hispanic representation. He was an Anusi Ashkenazi Yehudi who was born in the Diaspora in Tsuman, Ukraine (then Cuman, Wolyn, Ukraina, Rusia). His birth name is unknown, and his shem l'mikveh katoli was Antoni Jan Julianowicz Czerniecki (Czarniecki).  

People, I'm Realistic; I'm Not Just a Disabled Depressive Who's a Pessimist

And it ain't just what I described in the video. Oh, I've read the horror stories-- e.g., one non-disabled girl was laughed at and ignored by boys in her church because of her breast size. Also, the actress from "Facts of Life" (I stand corrected for saying "Different Strokes")-- her story didn't end like J.R. Martinez's did, and she was born with a disability: she couldn't have gone and served, let alone bravely gotten injured, in the military if she wanted to.

I appreciate and value who I am in the eyes of even the Church and G-d, or else I wouldn't be honest about it: I'd pretend that everything's going to be okay, and that everything work out like it does for a typical person or even for Cinderella. As I said, I wouldn't be honest about who I am if I didn't value and appreciate it; and valuing and appreciating it means accepting it and accepting the reality of it, and accepting the reality (even the cold, bitter reality) that it brings and has brought.

I'm Probably In Big Trouble For Some of My Confessions...

I know that I should be thankful for some things (After all, that was a heck of a blog prayer to write.), but now I'm probably (maybe I'm freaking out,  probably) for the worst being followed on Twitter by Geraldo Rivera's producer-- I'm probably being watched like a hawk watches a mouse or a bear watches whoever goes after its young.

This is why I surprisingly, for wanting to bring so much to light, don't confess a lot of my own thoughts, reservations, etc.-- if and when I do, I usually get shunned or in trouble for them as though I'm worse than anyone else. I admit that I'm imperfect, which is part of why I fight to have a moral compass-- having one makes easier that a brother or sister (or other fellow human being) should not be affected or effected to stumble. But I normally don't confess things lest I get shunned for them-- and I normally do.

If I Were To Write A Quick Blog Prayer To G-d, Well...

Let me for once have a break. Sure, I've had blessings; and I'm not asking for my thorns in the flesh to be taken away-- in fact, I've dreaded what'll happen if you do. You'll make me give up politics and go into math and science, for example; because then I won't have CP and OCD and be physically healed and able to go into math and science. In fact, you didn't take Paul's thorns in the flesh away-- or Nick Vujvicic's. Let me at least manage my OCD, etc. for once.


I could go on and on, but this is why I don't pray a lot-- not long prayers, anyway. Besides, you can read my thoughts; and you have answered my prayers, and many not always in a way which I've liked or prayed for.

When You're Like Me; Suicide Is Still Awfully Tempting No Matter How Painful It Is

And maybe that's part of suicide's appeal-- the pain, the selfishness. For example, some people say that would miss me if I committed suicide-- boy, would I like to come back and see them put their money where there mouth is (I almost typed "mouth where their money is", but maybe that, too.). Besides, if they want me around so badly (and with all due respect and deference, STFU if you want to start kvetching about how this is typical suicidal talk, etc.; you will utz me):

1. Why do they treat me like they'd rather me be dead? And while they're at it; some of them hate me because I'm on the lowest of the lowest, of the lowest of the lowest rung of the social ladder in general society-- the disabled. For example, I have Cerebral Palsy (Diplegic Spastia); and I don't hear anyone talking about Julie Cirella anymore-- in fact, I almost suspect that some think that Julie Cirella's mother did the right and honorable thing. But they sure as Heaven and Hell wouldn't say that if Julie Cirella weren't disabled (and forget that she's Black-- her disability, not her ethnicity, is what makes her less honored than Caylee Anthony, Leiby Kletzky-- of whom I am a fellow Israelite--, and the Coleman boys, for example.).
2. Why do some of them try to contol my life and otherwise abuse (including ignore and withhold important information, including documents) from me, knowing that they damned well couldn't do that if I weren't disabled? FYI, Dad; were I not disabled, you never would've gotten away with even some of your physical abuse, let alone (among other actions) your verbal and other non-physical abuse and withholding that Great-Granddad Czarnecki and Great-Great-Granddad Foczko both committed suicide (which would have explained why I tried to commit suicide-- people without a history of suicide and/or other significant issues in their family and other history don't attempt or threaten suicide).
3. Same question above, except my prime example-- my thought policewoman of a mother. You damned well know, Mom, that you would never try to control what I at 21 years old say, do, etc. if I weren't disabled and had prospects. And I'm sorrowed (Why should I be "sorry"? I'm not apologizing for having my own thoughts, etc. at 21; so I'm sorrowed)  that, for example, my being proud of my Jewish heritage (no matter how unproud of it Dad and his family are) isn't your cup of tea. Besides, see if I ever tweet about anything that you might need prayer for or any appreciation of anything that you do or go through again-- after all, you "don't want to live [your] life out in the public venue".

I could give more examples, but I think that being on the most-times-over-lowest-of-the-lowest rung of the social ladder and easily abusable because of my Cerebral Palsy is an understandable reason for why I'm still often quite tempted to commit selfish suicide-- rub the pain that they've affected and effected in, and get the last laugh ("See you suckers! I'll be in Heaven; you'll still be here!").

"I'm Gonna Smile"- And Not Because I'm Happy, But Because I Can Be Joyful

And even though there are moments where I don't feel that I forgive you and I say the opposite of it, I forgive you and I'm going to forgive you-- not because I forgive you, but because I've been forgiven. And I'm going to have moments when I say that I hate you, but I have to love you even if I intensely dislike you-- because I was loved first, and not by you. And it's like I told someone in the Casey Anthony case:

 I don't agree with Geraldo and the jury, but I agree that the hate against Geraldo is uncalled for. Not that I think that hate against anyone else-- even against Casey and Jose Baez-- is okay, but I understand people being very angry about what happened. I think that we can hate what happened without hating any of the parties involved.

Same thing with you and Great-Grandma Gaydos-- among others-- regarding Pepi, Vilmosz, and others who you have hurt and betrayed over the years (and you've ultimately hurt yourselves)-- I'm learning to forgive you all.

I'm learning to forgive and forget-- not forget as in forget to ponder in my heart, but forget as in don't begrudge even though I'll have learned from experience and still be wary, and understand and know what to do (and because G-d will help me deal with what I need to deal with, and help me deal with who I need to deal with).

So Let Her Dock My Grade; She Claims That She Wants Our Reflections re Her Sociology Class

My honest reflection on the Sociology class necessitates that my professor and others find me stating in no uncertain terms that I found the class to be a (so to speak) refresher crash course on just how bad liberalism and relativism is. Not that the like the Far Right, either; but if I were a Far Righter, sitting in that class and reading the propaganda of Drs. Kerry Ferris and Jill Stein would affect me so that I would come to hate sociology and sociologists, relativism and relativists, and liberalism and liberals altogether. I understand that The Real World (both the hidden-curriculum manifesto put together by Drs. Ferris and Stein, and the actual world itself) is more on the George Sorosesque (e.g., MoveOn.org) and Charles Darwinian side than any other side; but talk about verstehen, tolerance, etc.--there was obviously none of that for traditional, Jewish-Christian, and moderate-conservative worldviews and cultures in the book or the class.

This Might Get Me Into Trouble, But Here Goes My Next Sociology Assignment

"Imagine that you are getting married next week..." and coupled with an assignment that asks, "Where do you stand on the issue [of Affirmative Action]?" When I format the combined assignments into a paper (and I'm going to combine the assignments to save time, paper, and frankly a too-long explanation), I'm not going to type everything that I am typing here. Why? For one thing, calling a professor "stupid" and "hypocritical" would get me into trouble. So I'm going to have to reword my belief that for a liberal professor who is liberal (and you can spell that with a L-I-B-E-R-A-L), relativistic (and you can spell that with a R-E-L-A-T-I-V-I-S-T-I-C), and obviously leftist (and you know what you can spell that with); she sure is a hypocrite and foolishly dense- then again, with Far Leftists like that (and Far Rightists in a parallel way); the old "We're [whatever] for [or to, etc.] you so long as you're for [or to, etc.] us" maxim goes. In other words, for example; one will benefit from Affirmative Action given or applied to him or her by whoever gives or applies said Affirmative Action so long as he or she walks in nearly- or entirely-full lockstep with the Affirmative Action giver.

Affirmative Action, like the ADA (designed by the late Senator Ted Kennedy in order to get the Disabled Community's votes and (so to speak) bites on the welfare hooks), is a ploy used by both sides to (as Juan Williams noted in the example of Herman Cain's case, and so to speak) keep the sheep in the pen or gate. Meanwhile, Jews like me don't get Affirmative Action benefits, anyway; so what's the point? I note that I'm Asian on my applications, then specify "Middle Eastern, Jewish- Ashkenazi", anyway. I also note that I'm Hispanic (which I am), since Nana Allen (my mom's paternal grandmother) was a maternal granddaughter of a Crypto-Spaniard Irelander who came to the United States with his Irish wife (MaryAnn Elizabeth McCoy) and took Nana McCoy's surname as well as the moniker "John".

But for example, at College of Note Dame of Maryland (which is soon to be the bastion of liberalism known as the Notre Dame of Maryland University); being a Jew of Hispanic descent doesn't count anyway, and being disabled doesn't count (and not that the Disabled Community gets Affirmative Action benefits, either)- that is; unless you're a Jew who wills to go along with the Pseudo-Christian Anti Semitism of the Roman Catholic Church (and College of Notre Dame of Maryland), or a Hispanic or Disabled Community member (with all due respect to a fellow student) who is either willing to do the same or is even Roman Catholic and liberal (and this fellow student, as far as I know, is- at least she's Roman Catholic, although I'm sure that she's unsurprisingly liberal as well; and I have never seen a more accomodated-for member of the Disabled Community who is at Notre Dame than her. Me, on the other hand- you can guess how I've been treated and accomodated for; and any accomdation that I have gotten is either minimal and/or surface enough to look like its meets what most people think that the ADA is, or received with my and others having to really push for it.).

By the way, I will concede that at least two NDM faculty members have been an exception in this regard, even though they don't agree with my ideology (and one of them has not been so much of an exception in other regards). To the (if you will) "marriage question" (ugh; I sound like Marx or- I can't believe that I'm repeating this name- Hitler, both of them Self-Hating Jews. And of course, "the Jewish question" or any similar phrase or idea behind it rubs me the wrong way. Anyway, to the question about marriage- which perhaps doesn't sound too much better; but still): this is the (if you will) factor about which I stated that the professor is (among other adjectives which I used to describe her) stupid and dense. Then again, with her (like most people) not being disabled (at least in any uncommon or anamethea way); she wouldn't know (or at least want to know or acknowledge) that (and often times because of people like her and the culture which they shape and are influenced by in turn, although they effect the culture whereas the culture only affects them), in this culture, Cinderella and Snow White have a better chance of marrying than a child of divorce who is a disabled woman, much less a disabled woman is not a child of divorce (and being a child of divorce adds to the disabled woman's being a damned statistic of being a disabled person and/or woman who, because of this culture and the people who shape it, never marry- or at least never stay married, especially because of the damned shallow men and women who consider disabled women as anamethea and as whom to not stay married, much less marry in the first place).

Part of My Correspondence With a True Reform Jew (i.e., One Who's Really Reforming Modern Judaism)

However, I'm going to censor out his or her name for the interim, since he or she has not yet responded to this:

Hey... (v'Shabbat Shalom!):




Thanks for the response, and I apologize for delaying in my own response. Meanwhile, I think that a good topic to cover at present would be the Casey Anthony case and the death penalty; especially because a prominent fellow Jew of ours, Geraldo Rivera, seems to unfortunately be in lockstep with URJ policy per the death penalty and is forgetting how Torah and arguably tikun ha'olam (which certainly includes tzedek) requires that Casey be convicted and get the death penalty per nefesh l'nefesh- and how any other premeditating and remorseless murderer should get the death penalty.



I think that one of the things that many- including the URJ (including Geraldo) forgets is that the death penalty is not a bloodlust-based idea or easy sanction to carry out for any Jewish or gentile person who loves Torah. To carry out nefesh l'nefesh is killing someone, and taking a life of even the most vile person is hard especially because we're all family (per Adam and Eve, and Noah) and there is a special kind of "What could have been?" heartbreak in having to execute a fellow family member who could have chosen to do the right thing instead of murder someone and attempt to evade and/or pervert tzedek (and Casey obviously chose to pervert tzedek instead of love and raise Caylee).



Nicole Czarnecki

To Geraldo Rivera's Producer, Christina Timothy

CT, morality sometimes takes precedence over the Constitution and other US law (and obviously is not in line with it at the time). Especially as a Jew, Geraldo ought to know that. In this case, he's behaving to a lesser degree and in a different but parallel way to my great-grandmother Gaydos- that is, Great-Grandma Gaydos cost the lives of relatives who died in the Holocaust because she followed US isolationist policy and did not send them the help which they requested; and in a similar way, Geraldo is costing Caylee's life and justice all the more.

My Alphabet of Bias

To my alphabet of bias, I can add IMDB.com. My alphabet of bias is what I'll cover in the next political cartoons I draw. By the way, the publisher and syndicator each did get back to impatient me; but I digress. Anyway, some of my alphabet of bias is as follows; and like Bernie Goldberg, with his 100 People Who Are Screwing Up America list, I may get dissesion with my alphabet of bias.

110th Congress of the U.S.A.
ABC
ACLU
American University
Ann Coulter
Anti-Defamation League (In certain cases)
BBC
CBS
Comedy Central
CNN
DNC
Fairness Doctrine
Hollywood
Illegal Immigrants
Islam
MSNBC
NBC
NPR
PBS
Socialized Health Care


"My Alphabet of Bias", self-copyrighted © June 28, 2007. All rights reserved; e-mail me for permission to use.