Confession: I Can Be Self Hating (And/Or Unnecessarily Guilt Tripped), Too

Admittedly, the disgusting part is that I look like a szlachta posing like this. I suppose that if there was a portrait of a szlachta żydowska, I could get away with this (and there apparently were some Morgiewiczes who were szlachty [if they're Morgiewiczes who are related to us, I mean]; and given that they were targeted in the January Uprising, they probably are. If you think that the Russians didn't like Polish and other Non-Russian szlachty [much less Poles and other Non Russians], you can imagine how they treated szlachty żydowscy as well as Yehudim ha'aretz).



That's the only part that I'm honestly not proud of (unless, again, a szlachta żydowska posed like this. Otherwise, I've touched my own nerve here; especially since my family was deliberately falsely connected to the Anti-Semitic Stefan Czarniecki, and the sad part is that we did that in order to conceal that we are Litvak Czernieckis.

(Granted that there were also Philosemitic szlatchy [and szlachty żydowscy]. Still, I feel pretty bad about posing like this, especially if I was bringing to mind Anti Semites like the unfortunately-iconic Stefan Czarniecki. Then again, my OCD/GAD could be bringing on or exacerbating unnecessary guilt about this photo.).

Maybe I'm Trying To Justify Myself Here, But...

So what? For:

1. , Michelle has a boyfriend; I don't have one. So why not buy myself a few items--some of which are free (excepting the worth-it shipping costs) and promoting charity; others of which are both life investments and going 5% toward charity; and two of which are life investments (one for university spirit , and one for religious reasons)?
2. , it's my SSI Money. Besides, given Reason #1, I'm making life investments with them. Also, why can't I have First Amendment Rights (e.g., the kippah and tallit) if people on welfare can be TVs, cars, blingy jewelry, and X-Box sets--among other things?
3. , I just gave Michelle a bit of it to use for her campus card.
4. , I bought a kippah (which I've needed, anyway; since I don't know what Jason would do if he caught me wearing one of the JSU-provided ones, and wearing kippot is a Biblical option for women) and an American-Israeli flag pin (to replace the one that I lost)--and both of which are the 5%-charity items (since JewishSource partnered with the International Fellowship of Christians and Jews, and the haredim considered the IFCJ trief ). I also bought a Messianic tallit--again, a life investment.
5. , I plan on--G-d willing--wearing the kippah and tallit at least at Shabbat at UMBC and wherever else, and New Heritage Church and wherever else--if not daily--for the rest of my life. I also plan on wearing the American-Israeli flag pin daily for the rest of my life.
6. , Look at the picture and its caption below. Right now, I am wearing five of the free charity items that I've worn daily since I got them--and you can't see the American flag pin that I'm wearing (with will become Dubru's when--G-d willing--I get the other pin), but I'm wearing it. One item I sadly lost (the glass keychain--it fell off and broke), and the bracelet that I first got is now a keychain--since I can no longer wear it, since it was falling apart.
7. , speaking of Dubru the University Spirit Teddy Bear, I actually held him during the debate to keep my anxiety--e.g., over my IBS and peeing myself during the long debate--down; and he's currently sitting on my pillow. I--G-d willing--may also pass him down to any children and grandchildren who I have.
8. I considered and searched a long time for a worthy tallit--G-d led me to a Messianic one.

I could go on, but you get the point.

Guatemalan bracelet, "Home Is Where Your Pet Is" bracelet, grass-woven bracelet, "Live, Laugh, Love" ring--which could fit only on middle finger--, American flag pin--all of which come from the GreaterGood Network. On my person, but not shown: the American flag pin and the keychain, which is on my purse on my said person.

I guess that part of the reason that I'm feeling guilt, too, is that I know that Mom could flip--Jewish guilt, although Mom (as far as we know) is a gentile (or mostly gentile, anyway)! Also, Dad did never give me but $40 for the past four or so birthdays--so, consider the kippah, pin, and tallit (since he claims to be a Messianic Jew, and I'm Jewish through him), and Dubru his birthday presents to me (and treats to myself, since--among the other reasons that I gave--I don't have a boyfriend and I'm making life investments, anyway).   

I Couldn't Resist...

I got him at the UMBC Bookstore for the sake of University Spirit, since it is Homecoming Season (I used Campus Cash.) and so that I could have something by which to remember UMBC--and after all the trouble that I put the cashiers through to make sure that I wouldn't get one made in Indonesia as the others are (since he was made in China--the lesser of two evils). His Spanish nickname is "Oside" (for "Osito de la Espiritu Universitario"), his Hebrew nickname "Dubru" ("Dubi-Ru'ach-Ha'Universita"). 

Proof Of Chauvinism In Our Society Re Kristen Stewart

According to Fox News, people are even threatening to murder Kristen Stewart (and all this after innocent people were murdered in Aurora, Colorado last week!). Who's blaming the married-with-children, in-a-higher-position (director-to-the-actor), older Rupert Sanders? Even Liberty Ross Sanders is blaming Kristen Stewart. Our society patriarchally, in a bad way, refuses to recognize that "To whom much is given, much is required."

Here (as my sister noted, by the way) is an older man taking advantage of a woman who's roughly half his age, and old enough to be her dad at that (He's 41; she's 22). Here is a married man pursuing a single woman, and cheating on his wife and kids in pursuing any (let alone a single-but-not-available--but still single) woman; and here is a director pursuing an actress.

Did true Christianity (even all those years ago, and throughout the ages when it has resurrected) and the feminist movement do nothing for society? Jesus, for example, forgave the adulterous woman and the Samaritan at the well, while He constantly lambasted the hypocritical Pharisees. Much later on, He brought forth even two Non-Messianic Jewish women to liberate women--Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan. 


So if Jesus brought forth even Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan to liberate women--even modern-day Samaritans at wells and adulterous women--, why can't we forgive Kristen Stewart? Furthermore, we do we judge her and not the higher-up Rupert Sanders all the more so? 

When You Hang Around Jose Baez...

Your brain cells have to go down a bit--or perhaps take a break. Either way, I don't know how Geraldo Rivera could and did form a friendship with Jose Baez, and I don't know how Jose Baez sleeps at night--I couldn't sleep after sneaking an extra shot of Irish Cream for my coffee on Friday (I was up at 7:00 on Saturday confessing to my mom, and I just got the cold on Friday--I needed the sleep, but I couldn't sleep.). How does Jose Baez sleep knowing that Casey Anthony is a murderer who was not sexually abused by her dad?

If nothing else, doesn't he know how Johnnie Cochran died? How much more will a man who was complicit in infanticide die a terrible and horrible death? I couldn't sleep just knowing that brain cancer would be the least of my problems. Also, how does Jose Baez sleep knowing that a man who was complicit in pedophilia--Joe Paterno--just died of cancer? As I asked, how much more will a man who was complicit in infanticide die a terrible and horrible death--though pedophilia and infanticide are almost equally (if not as equally) horrible? 


The difference with pedophilia and infanticide is this: the pedophilia victim wishes that he or she is dead, or may even end up dead (whether, such as in the cases of JonBenet Ramsey and Jessica Lunsford, the pedophilia is accompanied with infanticide; or the pedophilia affects the suicide of the victim); whereas the infanticide victim (assuming that he or she does not have pedophilia with which to also deal) is dead.


On that note, what is Jose Baez's claim that Casey Anthony is a victim of pedophilia going to do to real pedophilia victims? For instance, the claim will affect real pedophilia victims to not come forward for dread that they will not be believed or at least stood up for--case in point, Joe Paterno did not stand up for Jerry Sandusky's victims; so one can imagine how a false claim of pedophilia made by an acquitted murderer's attorney will affect other pedophilia victims to be disbelieved and left unspoken for.


In conclusion, I--feeling guilty for even taking an extra shot of Irish Cream and being unable to sleep--cannot imagine how Jose Baez--a man who represented and helped acquit a murderer by claiming that she she was molested as a child, and who will affect real victims of pedophilia to not come forward--sleeps at night. I also cannot imagine how he sleeps at night with a more horrible death than the deaths of Johnnie Cochran and Joe Paterno hanging over his head.


I also can't imagine how and why Geraldo Rivera could and did form a friendship with Jose Baez.