An Example Of A Hurt That Only Truth Can Heal (To At Least Some Extent)

"Notwithstanding the opportunity to reach for a better outcome, there was no need for Jonathan, or for us, his parents, to live in shame, and certainly no benefit in living with the weight of such a lie."

This is the exact opposite of how my father feels; and this is notwithstanding that I inherited his OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and ADD. I found out from one of his maternal cousins that his paternal grandfather committed suicide, not died of Black Lung. When I confronted Dad, he gave the excuse that I was too young to know the truth about Great-Granddad's death; and this is despite that the sons of my Granduncle Tony (z"l) was honest with his own children upfront about how their grandfather died, meaning that Dad could've been as honest with me as Granduncle Tony was with his children.

Too often, people who have other things that they want to hide, hide whatever they can with bubbe meises instead of telling the stranger-than-fiction truth; and it has only "certainly no benefit in living with the weight of such a lie." In fact, the bubbe meises make it worse, especially when the truth hits—and when you, for example, ended up in Sheppard Pratt for threatening suicide before you knew what partially explained it: i.e., that your father's paternal grandfather actually committed suicide and passed on his Depression to your grandfather (and you've figured out that your late grandfather had Depression, and that he passed it on to his oldest child), your father, and you.

Originally On Writerbeat: A Redacted 2005 Police Report, Depression, and An Ableist

The former two are not fair game. The latter one—a sick ableist—is—and the sick ableist in question is Donald Trump. Heidi Cruz did not wake up one day and decide to have a depressive episode that day (whether or not the depressive episode was a one-time episode or a flareup of chronic Depression). She did not decide to plan to sit 10 minutes away from traffic during a nervous breakdown, and she did not think that someone as cruel as Donald Trump would be cruel enough to use what can be a fatal mental illness to "spill the beans".

Nobody forced the aspiring First Lady Melania Trump (then model Melania Knauss) to pose nude for "GQ". Circumstances in Heidi Cruz's life, for whatever reason, did force her to have some kind of mental breakdown (regardless of whether the breakdown was a one-time depressive episode or just another flareup of Depression—flareups to which each Depression patients gets resigned in some respect, irrespective of how each of us deals with those flareups.).

Notwithstanding that Heidi Cruz intentionally sat 600 seconds from traffio of six—600 seconds in which she could have had her last breaths and ended her life—she got up and went home. Not everybody does that—in fact, some die at home—ask my great-great-granduncles Frank and Alexander Focko, as the former hung himself at his home and the latter fatally consumed cyanide in his home. 

Ask their dad, my-great-three-times grandfather Istvan Foczko (and while I'm not a mathematician, I know that for a man in his 50s with two sons whom committed suicide—and the sons being two of six sons—to not have committed suicide is statistically impossible—especially since one third of his sons also happened to be two of his seven children.).

Ask my father's paternal grandfather, whom changed his mind too late—he wanted to go home and had already jumped off of Falls River Bridge, blocking traffic with his abandoned-in-the-middle-of-the-bridge car and humiliatedly having drivers, three hunters whom tried to get him to the riverbank, and others watch as he drowned to death from not being able to hold on to a rock in the midst of Falls River currents.

In what year is Donald Trump, anyway—1905? 1913? 1935? 1964? Almost 52-111 years later, can't Donald Trump stop being childish and realize that victims of Depression (let alone Depression-affected suicide) are not stigmas (let alone suicides) in of themselves? At least relatively few—in more Westernized societies, anyway—view victims of suicide as the suicides themselves, even though many still view victims of Depression—and other mental illnesses—as stigmas. 

Donald Trump ought to go live in a shari'a-ruled or other Non-Westernized society if he continues to view people with mental illnesses as shari'a- and other Non-Western-minded people do—and even some Western societies, such as Croatia and Serbia, need to continue to work on Westernizing or even start Westernizing.

By the way, Meliana Trump's precious Slovenia still has its Westernization to implement—why doesn't Donald Trump suggest barring Slovenian immigrants whom are ableist and don't want to take care of their own?—or he could perhaps help Svenica and Ljubljana build adequate mental hospitals instead of focusing on castles. 

Originally On WriterBeat: Open Letter To Chad Simon (Class of 2016, Brown University)

I have ancestors whom committed suicide due to Depression; my father's sister attempted suicide due to Depression; I ended up in a mental hospital due to Depression.

You indeed "[know] powerfully little about the physiological mechanisms behind real, incurable, moored-to-the-bed-in-supine-position depression." By the way, not every person with Depression stays moored-to-the-bed-in-supine-position". Also, you need to learn that there is a marked difference between feeling depressed and Clinical Depressions such as Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar Depression, and Schizoaffective Disorder (a combination of Schizophrenia and Bipolar Depression).

I really hope that your major is not Psychology, Biology, Chemistry, or Pre-Med Studies, because I would not award you a degree in either of those fields of study were I the person whom is responsible for conferring degrees on students at Brown University.

When (I Feel Like) I've No Reason To Go To Bed At Night (And I'm Sure That Others Can Relate)

I think that these few verses really sum up for me why (I often feel like) I've no reason to go to bed at night—not to mention that I am Jewish, and I'm experiencing part of Moshe's prophecies through no fault of my own (I was not yet born, though I was in the desert those millennia ago.):

"65 And among these nations shalt thou have no repose, and there shall be no rest for the sole of thy foot; but the LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and languishing of soul. 66 And thy life shall hang in doubt before thee; and thou shalt fear night and day, and shalt have no assurance of thy life.67 In the morning thou shalt say: 'Would it were even!' and at even thou shalt say: 'Would it were morning!' for the fear of thy heart which thou shalt fear, and for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see."

Jews do indeed have higher rates of Depression and other mental illnesses. All the harder is when I am alone in general, anyway—

"9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him that is alone when he falleth, and hath not another to lift him up. 11 Again, if two lie together, then they have warmth; but how can one be warm alone? 12And if a man prevail against him that is alone, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." 

Consider, too, that I have a physical disability as well (not to mention that I have OCD/Anxiety, ADD, and IBS):

"The poor is hated even of his own neighbour; but the rich hath many friends."

"Wealth addeth many friends; but as for the poor, his friend separateth himself from him."5 A false witness shall not be unpunished; and he that breatheth forth lies shall not escape."6 Many will entreat the favour of the liberal man; and every man is a friend to him that giveth gifts.

"7 All the brethren of the poor do hate him; how much more do his friends go far from him! He that pursueth words, they turn against him."

How many other people with disabilities—physical, mental (including mental illnesses), and other disabilities alike—can relate, I'm sure!

"And when ye offer the blind for sacrifice, is it no evil! And when ye offer the lame and sick, is it no evil! Present it now unto thy governor; will he be pleased with thee? or will he accept thy person? saith the LORD of hosts."

How people with disabilities and illnesses are used (including mocked), especially in the name of God! Then people wonder why I and others say "Were it morning!" in the evening and "Were it evening!" in the morning.

I'm sure, too, that, that was the experience of Great-Granddad Czarnecki 51 years ago today, after he'd had a rough life (regardless of that he caused much of it in his adult years) and lost his leg in a lawn-mowing accident on top of all that he endured—and he had Depression! (Great-Granduncle Bernie, BTW, had Schizophrenia; and Great-Great-Grandma likely had Schizoaffective Disorder).

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Something To Make Your Own and Share

I saw this on a Facebook friend's status, and I decided to personalize it. This isn't stuff that I haven't talked about in some capacity before, by the way. Incidentally, Great-Granddad Czarnecki could have (if God willed) lived to be 111 this month (October 24th) had he not committed suicide (Trust me; he has a certain cousin whom is 98 and will, if God wills, be 99 this year. He could easily have had that longevity gene, and only God knows if he did.).

Do me a favor, then, and make the following your own in a Facebook status, note, or something:

Depression is real and relentless. I and others have been on that edge, and I myself ended up in Sheppard Pratt over it in April of 2006 (To hide that is useless, especially when why the Depression was exacerbated affected me to threaten myself.). I'm therefore asking everyone to stop hiding their own Depression or whatever mental illness(es) you have (I also have, e.g., OCD, by the way.).

On the other hand, you can continue to hide it as many in my family have hidden it and did hide it—and let's see how well that works for you. Let me give you a hint: it doesn't work—if, for example, my father's paternal grandfather (Anthony Czarnecki, RIP) and maternal great-granduncles Alexander and Frank Fosko (z"l) could come back, they'd tell you.

So would their father, Istvan Foczko (z"l)—he was in his 50s when he died, had six sons and one daughter, and has never had his cause of death mentioned. Statistically, there is no other possibility that he died in any other way than by suicide—whether 29% of a chance (since two of his seven children committed suicide, and if you round the percentage up) or 66% (since two of his six sons committed suicide) the chance is well above 10%, and even 25%. The average of 29 and 66 is 47.5—so, think about that: almost 50% of a chance that he committed suicide, and the other 50-53% (that he didn't commit suicide, and that he even would have lived past his 50s) may well have happened if he had talked about what he endured. 

Meanwhile, I'm asking everyone to copy and paste this status—and personalize it. If only I was sharing a personal struggle with mental illness, it'd be a damned shame. Besides, you don't know whom you might help if you (in the words of my father's paternal grandmother, z"l) "talk about it" (When she broke down and told my aunt about many things before she died, those were her exact words after 90-plus years of life—"No; no, it's okay: I want to talk about it."). ♥

My Own 25th Birthday, And a Scary Realization...

Now I'm 25 years old by both Biblical and Gregorian standards. Meanwhile, I (no pun intended) am stopped dead in my tracks by a horrifying realization: I am as old as Great-Granddad Czarnecki was when the 1929 Great Depression happened. Also, I just read about the hardly-explained suicide of Madison Holleran—and all while I had been browsing to find out the age of a public figure whose age was not given on Wikipedia. One thing really can lead to another!

At that point, reading about Miss Holleran's suicide led to my reading comments about it—including the evil-hearted one from "Bc". Typing a response to him made me realize (at least more of) what happened to Great-Granddad, etc. (Incidentally—or maybe not—the day-and-date scheme was the same in 1964 as it was in 2014. By the way, "50" and "25" are multiples of "25" and "five". The numbers in it all, too. Needless to say, numbers and patterns alone should prove that there are no coincidences in life.):

That's easy for you to say. Could you go in back in time and, e.g., talk to my Great-Granddad Czarnecki:

Born on October 24, 1904, he was a pogrom survivor who had to become a Crypto Jew, who lost his father (who, by the way, was an alcoholic and a terrible husband) when he was 17 going on 18, his sister Regina when he was 20 (and she was 16. She died of cholera [sic.].), his mother when he was 31 going on 32 (after he already had a complicated relationship with her), his firstborn son, and his youngest brother (who was a Holocaust victim whose cause of death was murder due to serving in the U.S. Military and being fatally injured by a Nazi soldier. He took almost 18 years to die, by the way, since that's how botched the surgery to remove the shrapnel from his head was; and he died from a schizophrenic reaction and a coronary occlusion). He also lost other siblings, all of whom died when they were infants.

Add to that, that he lost his three right middle toes and his leg up to his knee when he worked as a lawnmower operator at an apartment complex (and because he lost his previous job in the hard-hit Sugar Notch, Pennsylvania coal mines). The job losses and limb loss either affected the onset of or exacerbated his Depression, for which the medication that he took was ineffective.

So, after 60 years, a month, a week, and a day of pain (i.e., 21,954 days of pain), he attempted suicide; and although his attempt didn't work and he changed his mind at the last minute, his death certificate reads that he died of suicide by drowning.

By the way, the Great Depression began on his 9,131st day (his 25th birthday). He also had other pain (that is, besides what I mentioned, including how his 25th birthday was marred and the Pogrom of Pogroms thus far at that time—the Holocaust—began on that day).

You tell me, then, how willing he was to consider that, e.g., "tomorrow is another to borrow the words of some one else". Your lack of critical thinking, empathy, and compassion astounds me.

What a sobering reality! By the way, let me add what I originally commented:

Sure; expectations of perfection, etc. can affect the onset of Depression and suicide affected by Depression. Frankly, though, it does seem unusual (even weird). What didn't Madison tell?

By the way, I know that this isn't about me; although I have Depression, and my father's paternal grandfather, the maternal grandfather of my father's maternal grandmother, and two maternal uncles of father's maternal grandmother all committed suicide. My father's sister attempted suicide as well, and I ended up in Sheppard Pratt for threatening suicide (and there are days where the temptation of suicide still assails me.

So, I know from experience that more than just expectations of perfection, etc. had to be in play. Incidentally, I have never seen my great-granddad's suicide note; and I figured out that my great-grandmother's maternal grandfather (who was in his 50s when he died) committed suicide because I noted that two of his six sons (and two of his seven children) committed suicide (so, mathematically, for him to not commit suicide would have been impossible.

I will add other links later [6:04 PM EST].

The links have been added [10:45 PM EST].

Forgiveness And Compassion...

Jesus even said to love our enemies. And I have a hard time with that as well, and I nonetheless have a choice: I can either forgive or I can be left unforgiven by God. I can either have compassion or be left without God's compassion.

Even Corrie ten Boom had a hard time with forgiveness [She also mentions this incident in The Hiding Place]:

“Now he was in front of me, hand thrust out: ‘A fine message, Fräulein! How good it is to know that, as you say, all our sins are at the bottom of the sea!’

“And I, who had spoken so glibly of forgiveness, fumbled in my pocketbook rather than take that hand. He would not remember me, of course—how could he remember one prisoner among those thousands of women?

“But I remembered him and the leather crop swinging from his belt. I was face-to-face with one of my captors and my blood seemed to freeze.

“ ‘You mentioned Ravensbruck in your talk,’ he was saying, ‘I was a guard there.’ No, he did not remember me.

“ ‘But since that time,’ he went on, ‘I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your lips as well. Fräulein,’ again the hand came out—’will you forgive me?’

“And I stood there—I whose sins had again and again to be forgiven—and could not forgive. Betsie had died in that place—could he erase her slow terrible death simply for the asking?

“It could not have been many seconds that he stood there—hand held out—but to me it seemed hours as I wrestled with the most difficult thing I had ever had to do.

“For I had to do it—I knew that. The message that God forgives has a prior condition: that we forgive those who have injured us. ‘If you do not forgive men their trespasses,’ Jesus says, ‘neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.’

“I knew it not only as a commandment of God, but as a daily experience. Since the end of the war I had had a home in Holland for victims of Nazi brutality. Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were able also to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the physical scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and as horrible as that.

“And still I stood there with the coldness clutching my heart. But forgiveness is not an emotion—I knew that too. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. ‘… Help!’ I prayed silently. ‘I can lift my hand. I can do that much. You supply the feeling.’

“And so woodenly, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the one stretched out to me. And as I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes.

“ ‘I forgive you, brother!’ I cried. ‘With all my heart!’

“For a long moment we grasped each other’s hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God’s love so intensely, as I did then”

This is not to say, by the way, that I don't think that the Ex Nazi should not have turned himself in to the International Criminal Court or whoever else, since he should have turned himself in if he was fully and/or truly sorry. After all, on a way-lesser and -different level, Achan ben Karmi took the punishment for his own sin. Why, therefore, couldn't the Ex Nazi who had attempted to murder Corrie ten Boom and murdered others take the punishment for his own sin?

In terms of compassion, we have to remember that (for example) not all who speak incorrigibly are being malicious. In terms of Robin Williams' suicide, for example, Rosanne Barr was in denial (She later deleted her denial-filled tweets.), and Shepard Smith and a Facebook friend of mine either do not understand depression and suicidal tendencies or even have experiences with suicides their lives and have opened-up wounds:

"Those who were able to forgive their....enemies were able also to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the...scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and as horrible as that."

Also, again:

 The message that God forgives has a prior condition: that we forgive those who have injured us. ‘If you do not forgive men their trespasses,’ Jesus says, ‘neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.’

Furthermore:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

(Some Of) My Big Moments In 2013 (Including at the End)

This is not an exhaustive list, but it's way more than what I mentioned in the video:

1. Being called Geraldo Rivera's "favorite tweeter"
2. Establishing that I have kohen and Levi heritage through the Gajdoszes, Dudays, Foczkos, Rusznaks, and Levais.
3. My ITB Pump surgery (and I envy Geraldo—the lucky guy got well over a total of 100 Facebook and Twitter "likes", well wishes, etc. regarding his foot surgery. I got no more than 52 "likes" at a time—actually, that was my uncle who posted about me and the ITB Pump surgery. Geraldo's probably going to hate me for that, and I may not be his favorite tweeter anymore; but, c'mon—I was under anesthesia on both July 17th and July 18th. Plus, I was in Johns Hopkins until July 22nd, and then Mount Washington Pediatric Hospital until August 2nd. Furthermore, they had to give me caffeine and have me drink coffee to prevent further caffeine withdrawal and headaches. All I got was a few visits, comic books back from my dad, and a few other things).
4. My granddad passing.
5. My dad disowning me—but at least I got the atDNA test from him before he did.
6. Great-Granduncle Andy's passing—that's huge, given that my generation of Fosko Rusnaks is second in line to carry to torch (Dad's is the first.).
7. The first year that I did not attend the DeBoy Family Reunion (I was recovering from ITB Pump Surgery).
8. Almost (almost!) graduating college (One more paper to revise and turn in!).
9. Having major people follow me on Twitter
10. Figuring out that I'm related to Thomas Andrew, Michael Andrews, and Kirk Douglas (By the way, some of 2012 is going to have overlapped into 2013.).
11. Getting a resume written (Well, my friend wrote it for me. I still owe him a handmade tallit, even if I don't ultimately use the resume that he wrote.).
12. Being a formal סטודנטית ללשון העברית—and getting an "A" in הכיתה. (Of course, I don't why I thought "הרבה" was "class" as I was typing this.).
13. Turning 23 on January 23 (Ok, I really turned 23 on January 12, 1990; since that was טבת 26, 5773. יהוה, ברוך הוא, goes by the lunar Hebrew year. In Gregorian terms, I did turn 23 on the 23rd of January.).
14. Getting bullied by and watching vengeance against Krystal Keith and her dad.
15. Beginning to write my family-history memoir.
16. My aunt attempting suicide (I sat שבע for her for an hour days before—that was a big deal, and I didn't know that that's why she moved without telling me.).

By the way, my mom feels that 2014 is going to be my year...we'll see, Mom.

I've Just Been Busy...

For example, I got an over-15-page paper done yesterday. I also have to finish the first part of my second research paper over the next two days. After that, I have a Hebrew oral exam for which to study. I also have a yahrzeit to observe (To observe it is not exactly conducive while Mom is playing Christmas music.).

The yahrzeit is for Great-Granddad Czarnecki. On this day, Kislev 27, he committed suicide. He was a troubled man, and hurt others; and he was definitely a candle in the wind—lights can be threatened with extinguishment, and spark up and burn others to try to stay burning.

He also came from a troubled family for sure. For example, Michael Andrews—handsome and talented, but clearly into an inappropriate lifestyle. As for Thomas Andrew, he died from a "long illness"—I suspect AIDS—and he had that awful Washleski cousin who—and it just hit me—used "Tufty" to promote Jack Washleski (and yes, I changed that Wikipedia entry. Get over yourself, Mr. Washleski. Your Jack Washleski could've had his own page if you wanted to talk about your cousin. And if what you say is true, that your uncle loved his wife's nephew more than his own children is just sad—and it maybe explains your cousin Thomas, but how you forget him! And how you deleted the information about William, which I had to add back into the entry! Was William's service nothing to you?).

The Andrulewiczes by themselves were clearly troubled, and this to say nothing of the Danilowiczes (Kirk, Michael, and Mia, anybody?) and the Czerneckis.

By the way, Pop-Pop, you are an Andrulewicz. You are your dad's son. Your brother, with all due respect, is wrong when he says that you look more like a Trudnak—you look like both of your parents—you are almost a spitting image of your cousin Thomas, and don't you forget it.

"If we have Jewish blood..."—well, I do know about it, and I'm proud of it. That you aren't is a shame. That your dad committed suicide in of itself is a shame without adding that he committed suicide during HaHag Hanukkah.

And that I couldn't know how God blessed the nations even through our troubled family is a shame. 

PS: Stephanie Metz Doesn't Understand Abuse, And...

I like everything that she said but for the following:

"There was a time – not too long ago – when bullying was defined as slamming someone up against a locker and stealing their lunch money. There was a time when kids got called names and got picked on, and they brushed it off and worked through it (ask me how I know this). Now, if Sally calls Susie a bitch (please excuse my language if that offends you), Susie’s whole world crumbles around her, she contemplates suicide, and this society encourages her to feel like her world truly has ended, and she should feel entitled to a world-wide pity party. And Sally – phew! She should be jailed! She should be thrown in juvenile detention for acting like – gasp – a teenage girl acts."

Mrs. Metz, with all due respect, you don't understand real verbal abuse. You don't just "[brush] it off and [work] through it." Susie may be abused at home, and Sally's abuse may be the proverbial straw on the camel's back. Verbal (and emotional, physical, mental/psychological, spiritual and—the only one which I never had to experience as far as I know, thank God—sexual) abuse is no joke, and not something to "[brush] off...and [work] through."

I hope that you don't verbally abuse your own kids, because you and they are in for a hard reality check—and you may be in for a hard reality check at their hands:

1. Verbal abuse leaves intangible, internal scars.
2. Verbal abuse is a form of emotional and mental abuse.
3. Verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse.
4. Verbal abuse can lead the Susies of this world committing suicide—in your words, "ask me how I know this"—and God forbid that you should ever have to ask your kids or find out (My own mom has had to find out, for example, and that's because she's dealing with quite a bit of the fallout of Dad's verbal and other abuse.).
5. Verbal abuse may affect the setting off of psychological and psychiatric conditions (again, in your words, "ask me how I know this").

I am more than willing to challenge your naive (or what I hope is a naive) view on abuse, and God forbid that you have ever abused or are abusing your kids—and if you are abusing your kids, I hope that someone gets involved really quickly in rescuing your kids from you. By the way, you say that you're 29 years of age. I'm 23, and I can tell you that people like you leave me hopeless about our generation. If you really think that parents who know the realities of abuse are included among those who have "taught that [their kids] shouldn't have to ever put up with anything doesn't make their hearts feel like rainbow colored unicorns are running around pooping skittles onto piles of marshmallows", you are out of your mind—either you need serious help or your kids need serious help. Either way, you need help—whether psychiatric help due to delusions or psychological help due to sociopathy.

Does Someone Want Me To Die? It Looks Like They Do...

And there, ladies and gentleman, is part of why I can get and be quite ashamed of the city in which I was raised. There's also another person for whom I have to live to be a thorn in his or her side...what a shame. To live to spite those who claim that they care but really want you dead is not easy, but you have to stick around to expose their claims for what they are and be a thorn in their side.

   

Columbia, Maryland arrived from google.com on "The Nicole Factor" by searching for nicole czarnecki suicide.

13:59:23 -- 7 hours 10 mins ago

An Epiphany That Occurred To Me Only After My Last Blog Entry...

With All Due Respect To Survivors Of Suicide (Even Myself, You Have To Remember)...

I had to laugh in my head when someone talked about losing her friend to the "dark tunnel of suicide"--she, like others, talks about how suicide is "difficult" for the survivors. Survivors of suicide like her (even if they don't say it) also think about how suicide is selfish, etc..

Well, firstly, the "dark tunnel of suicide" wasn't that dark for him--he committed suicide! Besides, secondly, like he probably thought, I'm thinking more and more that I agree with the sentiments (and I've--when I've Googled "Why shouldn't I commit suicide?", for example--seen and/or picked up the sentiments) that:

1. Suicide may not be that damned selfish after all.
2. The survivors may be being the ones who are selfish--who are they really crying for, after all? (By the way, Wayman Tisdale did not commit suicide, but you get the point.)
3. Since people are complaining about population control, it wouldn't (or at least shouldn't) kill you (pun intended) if we kill ourselves, anyway. After all, you sure don't feel--or at least act like you feel--that losing us would kill you while we're still alive--or at least most of the time, you don't. In fact, you usually act quite the opposite way while we're alive--that is, that you'd even want to see us gone and are just too tactically polite to say that. Even, for instance, while the one person talked about how her loved one "was close to me and all his friends and family" and was a "great friend", the loved one sure didn't feel like he was--or why else would he have committed suicide? Or maybe he felt like he was on his end but not on his loved ones' ends--after all, why didn't he stick around if he truly felt like he was loved by his loved ones.
4. Since you don't care for or even want us around while we're around and alive, that we'd be no longer around or alive would be better for all parties. Besides, you can really put your sentiments behind your "I miss you when you're not around" and "I'll always love you" words when we're really not around.
5. Suicidal people and suicide committers may, in some senses, be ahead of their time. For example, my great-granddad committed suicide on the day that Mario Savio spoke and helped usher in Jacob's Trouble--and he had seen enough of Jacob's Trouble on the horizon in his day. By the way, in case anyone's asking, I did tweet that I gained a whole new respect for Great Granddad for that in a perhaps-perverse since.
6. Since, again, you don't care for or even want us around while we're around and alive, that we'd be no longer around or alive would be better for all parties. After all, if and/or since we're really that much trouble to you while we're alive and around, we'd be putting an end to both our and your miseries if we decided to commit suicide. Also, again, that'd solve your population-control issue.
7. Since we may be well ahead of our time and you don't want us around, quit your (for a lack of a better term and with all due respect) bitching--we're perhaps even escaping to Heaven. Even if we're not, we were predestined for Hell (where you at least surely acted like you wanted us, anyway). Regardless, we'd be cutting our days short--perhaps to your satisfaction, as you made it seem half of the time.
8. The only reason that we don't commit suicide is because we're too damned in dread of what would happen if we did commit suicide or--worsely--if we actually survived a suicide attempt and had dreadful consequences associated with our failed suicide attempts and survivals thereof (or therefrom--whichever; you get the point). 

So, give suicide commiters and those of us who've been suicidal--for good reason--a break. You didn't seem to care for your suicide-victim loved one when he or she was still here--or else he or she would still be here, because he or she would know that he or she had a friend who's even a sibling or even close than one. You don't seem to care for us now--in fact, you're sending us the same messages that you sent your suicide-victim loved.

And that's why I laughed--not because I thought that his suicide was funny, but because I thought that (as he must've thought or would think) she's a damned hypocrite for saying what she should've said and meant while he was alive. Had she truly meant all that she said now that he's been gone for two years, he would've never gone through that suicide attempt--even Jeremiah stayed alive because he had Baruch and Hanamel, and Elijah had 6,999 others .

So, with all due respect to survivors of suicide (including those who've been suicidal like I have), give suicide victims and those who've been suicidal (including yourselves if you've been suicidal) a break! At least if you give us a break, we'll stay around to at least make you selfish brats and hypocrites happy--even if you really don't care for us, and at least to prove that we're not selfish like you--nor would we actually be selfish if we decide to take ourselves out of your lives! 

I Need A Big Break Because....

1. While I'm not the pinnacle embodiment of a rags-to-riches story, I've certainly had struggles in my life. Here's a (so to speak) Molotov Cocktail (or worse of a cocktail) of struggles which I've had:
1. Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy, for which I spent 75 days in the hospital. Born January 23, 1990, I came home on April 7, 1990.
2. OCD/Anxiety--this comes from my dad's Levitical family, the Foskos (Foczkos).
3. Major Depressive Disorder--my dad's paternal granddad committed suicide over this. Relatedly, two Foczko great-great-granduncles and their dad (my great-great-great-granddad) committed suicide.
4. ADD--All I know is that this come from Dad's side.
2. My family history, to say the least, is very sordid. For example:
1. My dad's family in particular was Crypto Jewish from around 1755-after March 12, 2008. I was the on who was chosen to catch them in their fanciful ignorance and deceit.
2. My great-grandma Mary Rusnak Gaydos was a kapo--to not send the money to the Rusznaks who desperately broke the protocol of Evel Rabbati 2I  for the sake of piku'ach nefesh (whether Vilmosz was the one really writing or a Nazi was posing as Vilmosz--though, safe to say, Vilmos had to be the one writing given that Vilmosz survived the Shoah and is still covered up by the family). Because of this, my family is broken and cursed--and I am of the third generation removed from Vilmosz's curser, and of the second removed from his curser's enablers.
3. Because of Points One and Two, my family story is not well known--and besides for what was noted in Point Two, my family is broken.
4. Great-Grandma Czarnecki's blood is left unavenged (As much as I forgive Pop-Pop, I'd still like what he did to catch up with him.).
5. Pfc. Bernard S. Czarnecki (Army, 111th Infantry Division Medical Corp, WW2) is left unrecognized and unavenged.
6. A lot of the verbal and other abuse that I had to endure from 1996 (from when Dad twisted Mom's arm--which is pretty traumatic for a six-year-old child to have to see--and after seeing my dad sleeping on the couch one time at 7:00 on dark morning in 1994) to November 2006 (to when I had endured quite a bit of my own abuse, thank you) is explained by the family history--"Hurt people hurt people"; abuse begets abuse, and (as Granduncle Tony quoted), "Like [dad], like son." (The couch thing--to see parents sleeping separately from each other is also traumatic--if I didn't realize that something was wrong then, I can look back and say that I should've realized that something was wrong then.)
3. I'm no Jeremiah, Elijah, or even faithful son; but I've been a Christian since Easter 1996 or 1997--long before I even suspected that I am Jewish, by the way.
4. I get that "having one's cake and eating it, too" is not a Biblical concept (or usually one), but David, Solomon, and even the disciples (excepting Judas, and counting Mathias) had their cakes and ate them, too (at least in the end).
5. I've never fit anyone's mold--a psychological case with a physical disability, a sordid family history, a broken home, and a situation in which I don't fit in the Christian or the Jewish worlds (and mainly because I'm that interfaith, interethnic[?], broken-home kid with a sordid family history and a medical record to boot. By the way, Mom's--as far as we know--a gentile of Jewish and Latino [Sephardic Jewish?] descent.).
6. I've been a victim of abuse (including what I've mentioned previously and cyberbullying), rejection, and dejection.  
7. I've had two crazy exes, both of whom I've had to call the police on; and I'm only 23. Therefore, my chances of ever getting married--let alone ever staying married--are nill. Besides:
1. My dad and both of his siblings divorced, and my dad and his brother remarried.
2. Out of my mom and her eight born siblings, only two have never divorced or remarried.
3. My Allen great-great-grandparents and my Green-Carroll great-great-grandma all divorced. My "McCoy" great-great-grandparents may have also divorced.
4. There were other divorces in my family.
5. There were terrible marriages in my family, including those of my Czernecki great-great-grandparents and Czarnecki great-grandparents.
6. Take all five previous "Besides" points and Point Seven together, and I'm bound to be a divorce statistic. Also take that I was born disabled and (thus) into the lower level of the American de-facto caste system,  and you get that I'll be perpetually an alte moid  or someone's to-cheat-on "gimp" of a wife (and, yes, I have been called a "gimp").

The list goes on, but my point is that I'm one who needs a break from God. In other words, someone who needs a break from God is me, if there was or has been someone who needed a break from God. Otherwise, my life's going to amount to less than worthless--and I'm just looking at factual and statistical reality.

Besides, someone needs to get my family back together; someone needs to tell the stories of--e.g.--Vilmosz's side of the Rusznak Family, Great-Grandma Czarnecki, and Great-Granduncle Bernie; and someone needs to show that a lower-caste, born-disabled, broken-home, chanceless kid can overcome by God. 

Repost: What Glamour? From PolishForums.com

The naysayers like jon357 and Magdalena (who, for whatever reason, want me to continue to fall for Dad's and Pop-Pop's romanticized narrative about Great-Granddad) are the ones who really get my goat. I myself was shocked by the truth--never did I dream that Great-Granddad Czarnecki was born a Chernetski in Tsuman, Ukraine (then Cumań in then-Wołyn, Ukraine-Poland Russia) while his dad was back home in Lipsk nad Biebrzą or Somovo(? So the record says, but would he really have been all the way in Somovo, far from Lipsk; and not, say, Szumowo or Shamovo?)? He was born while his mom may have been making a Rosh Hodesh visit to a cousin, Vil'gel'm Andrulevich, in Buzhanka in the Kiev, Ukraine region. 

The story gets even less glamorous. There is nothing glamorous about converting to Catholicism to fool the Russians into thinking that you finally believe in Jesus as the Jewish Messiah--especially when your family sits shiva for you because you did so. As an e-mail from my Granduncle Tony alludes to (although the poor man still denies that we're Jewish--and that's another discussion. Anyway):

I never seen nor did anyone mention anything special brought from Poland. A friend from Sugar Notch, Mrs. Bertha Wawrzyn, visited Poland every few years to see her family and would visit the family while there. All she ever brought back were photos that she took of the Polish Czarnecki's (see earlier comments).

There was very little discussion of the Polish life and family. Usually, when there was, it was a brief mention of the farm that was left behind. There did not seem to be any regrets about leaving for a better life. After all , they settled among Polish, Slavic, Hungarian, Lithuanian, and Ukrainian people just like themselves. Similar language, similar customs, similar faces, houses, churches, etc. But life was much better than on the farm. They were quite happy in America and much better off. The motherland, Poland, was far off and just a memory, not to be forgotten but no regrets for leaving either.

Periodically a church pastor would run a heritage trip back to Poland for a group. Very few of those who immigrated would return. Occasionally someone "in the family" in America would join a relative for the return trip, Usually meeting the Polish or Slovak relatives for the first time and occasionally maintaining a letter writing relationship afterwards. This DID NOT happen in our family.

There was not very much correspondence with the Polish family. Only an infrequent letter. There were no exchanges other than through the Polish Church which would have clothing drives and send clothes to Poland in general, but not to specific family members. Bertha's photos which came after the trips were the only contact until they asked for the deed to be changed in the mid 1960's.

Once the conversion happened and the shiva was sat, that was it "until they asked for the deed to be changed in the mid 1960's"; with the Holocaust being that dark interim in regards to any contact even with Bertha Wawrzyn--and three Czarnieckis, perhaps cousins, are listed on JewishGen as having been Holocaust victims from Białystok:

Bialystok Children's Transport to Theresienstadt, October 5, 1943


Searching for Surname (phonetically like) Czarnecki
Number of hits: 3
Run on Saturday 28 July 2012 at 22:19:31

Child #
Adult # Surname(s), Given Name Father + Mother Born Transport
10

CZARNIECKI, Tewel
Gerszon + Rochl
1934 Bialystok

11

CZARNIECKI, Jankiel
Gerszon + Rochl
1933 Bialystok

12

CZARNIECKI, Oszer
Gerszon + Rochl
1936 Bialystok

 
What glamour would there be in that for my great-granddad "Antoni" and his parents "Julian" and "Alexandria" (and they gave both sets of his grandparents the names "Antoni" and "Katarzyna"--why that didn't ring bells or raise flags for me at first, I don't know.)? What glamour was there to be had for living as Crypto-Jewish Catholics in Sugar Notch, Pennsylvania to escape WASP (White, Anglo-Saxon Protestant) and WEC (White, European Catholic) Anti Semitism? What glamour was in for "Antoni" (later "Anthony") to grow up to become a man like his "holy terror", "tough cookie" mom (who abused his drunkard dad, her drunkard husband), and then commit suicide once he had time to reflect on just what he became? What glamour?

So, my dad and granddad paint this romanticized picture of a lone Polish immigrant who served in Korea and died of Black Lung in 1972, which is far from the Anthony Czarnecki ne G-d-knows-who Chernetski that he was.

What Glamour? From PolishForums.com

The naysayers like jon357 and Magdalena (who, for whatever reason, want me to continue to fall for Dad's and Pop-Pop's romanticized narrative about Great-Granddad) are the ones who really get my goat. I myself was shocked by the truth--never did I dream that Great-Granddad Czarnecki was born a Chernetski in Tsuman, Ukraine (then Cumań in then-Wołyn, Ukraine-Poland Russia) while his dad was back home in Lipsk nad Biebrzą or Somovo(? So the record says, but would he really have been all the way in Somovo, far from Lipsk; and not, say, Szumowo or Shamovo?)? He was born while his mom may have been making a Rosh Hodesh visit to a cousin, Vil'gel'm Andrulevich, in Buzhanka in the Kiev, Ukraine region. 

The story gets even less glamorous. There is nothing glamorous about converting to Catholicism to fool the Russians into thinking that you finally believe in Jesus as the Jewish Messiah--especially when your family sits shiva for you because you did so. As an e-mail from my Granduncle Tony alludes to (although the poor man still denies that we're Jewish--and that's another discussion. Anyway):

I never seen nor did anyone mention anything special brought from Poland. A friend from Sugar Notch, Mrs. Bertha Wawrzyn, visited Poland every few years to see her family and would visit the family while there. All she ever brought back were photos that she took of the Polish Czarnecki's (see earlier comments).

There was very little discussion of the Polish life and family. Usually, when there was, it was a brief mention of the farm that was left behind. There did not seem to be any regrets about leaving for a better life. After all , they settled among Polish, Slavic, Hungarian, Lithuanian, and Ukrainian people just like themselves. Similar language, similar customs, similar faces, houses, churches, etc. But life was much better than on the farm. They were quite happy in America and much better off. The motherland, Poland, was far off and just a memory, not to be forgotten but no regrets for leaving either.

Periodically a church pastor would run a heritage trip back to Poland for a group. Very few of those who immigrated would return. Occasionally someone "in the family" in America would join a relative for the return trip, Usually meeting the Polish or Slovak relatives for the first time and occasionally maintaining a letter writing relationship afterwards. This DID NOT happen in our family.

There was not very much correspondence with the Polish family. Only an infrequent letter. There were no exchanges other than through the Polish Church which would have clothing drives and send clothes to Poland in general, but not to specific family members. Bertha's photos which came after the trips were the only contact until they asked for the deed to be changed in the mid 1960's.

Once the conversion happened and the shiva was sat, that was it "until they asked for the deed to be changed in the mid 1960's"; with the Holocaust being that dark interim in regards to any contact even with Bertha Wawrzyn--and three Czarnieckis, perhaps cousins, are listed on JewishGen as having been Holocaust victims from Białystok:

Bialystok Children's Transport to Theresienstadt, October 5, 1943


Searching for Surname (phonetically like) Czarnecki
Number of hits: 3
Run on Saturday 28 July 2012 at 22:19:31

Child #
Adult # Surname(s), Given Name Father + Mother Born Transport
10

CZARNIECKI, Tewel
Gerszon + Rochl
1934 Bialystok

11

CZARNIECKI, Jankiel
Gerszon + Rochl
1933 Bialystok

12

CZARNIECKI, Oszer
Gerszon + Rochl
1936 Bialystok

What glamour would there be in that for my great-granddad "Antoni" and his parents "Julian" and "Alexandria" (and they gave both sets of his grandparents the names "Antoni" and "Katarzyna"--why that didn't ring bells or raise flags for me at first, I don't know.)? What glamour was there to be had for living as Crypto-Jewish Catholics in Sugar Notch, Pennsylvania to escape WASP (White, Anglo-Saxon Protestant) and WEC (White, European Catholic) Anti Semitism? What glamour was in for "Antoni" (later "Anthony") to grow up to become a man like his "holy terror", "tough cookie" mom (who abused his drunkard dad, her drunkard husband), and then commit suicide once he had time to reflect on just what he became? What glamour?

So, my dad and granddad paint this romanticized picture of a lone Polish immigrant who served in Korea and died of Black Lung in 1972, which is far from the Anthony Czarnecki ne G-d-knows-who Chernetski that he was.

When You Hang Around Jose Baez...

Your brain cells have to go down a bit--or perhaps take a break. Either way, I don't know how Geraldo Rivera could and did form a friendship with Jose Baez, and I don't know how Jose Baez sleeps at night--I couldn't sleep after sneaking an extra shot of Irish Cream for my coffee on Friday (I was up at 7:00 on Saturday confessing to my mom, and I just got the cold on Friday--I needed the sleep, but I couldn't sleep.). How does Jose Baez sleep knowing that Casey Anthony is a murderer who was not sexually abused by her dad?

If nothing else, doesn't he know how Johnnie Cochran died? How much more will a man who was complicit in infanticide die a terrible and horrible death? I couldn't sleep just knowing that brain cancer would be the least of my problems. Also, how does Jose Baez sleep knowing that a man who was complicit in pedophilia--Joe Paterno--just died of cancer? As I asked, how much more will a man who was complicit in infanticide die a terrible and horrible death--though pedophilia and infanticide are almost equally (if not as equally) horrible? 


The difference with pedophilia and infanticide is this: the pedophilia victim wishes that he or she is dead, or may even end up dead (whether, such as in the cases of JonBenet Ramsey and Jessica Lunsford, the pedophilia is accompanied with infanticide; or the pedophilia affects the suicide of the victim); whereas the infanticide victim (assuming that he or she does not have pedophilia with which to also deal) is dead.


On that note, what is Jose Baez's claim that Casey Anthony is a victim of pedophilia going to do to real pedophilia victims? For instance, the claim will affect real pedophilia victims to not come forward for dread that they will not be believed or at least stood up for--case in point, Joe Paterno did not stand up for Jerry Sandusky's victims; so one can imagine how a false claim of pedophilia made by an acquitted murderer's attorney will affect other pedophilia victims to be disbelieved and left unspoken for.


In conclusion, I--feeling guilty for even taking an extra shot of Irish Cream and being unable to sleep--cannot imagine how Jose Baez--a man who represented and helped acquit a murderer by claiming that she she was molested as a child, and who will affect real victims of pedophilia to not come forward--sleeps at night. I also cannot imagine how he sleeps at night with a more horrible death than the deaths of Johnnie Cochran and Joe Paterno hanging over his head.


I also can't imagine how and why Geraldo Rivera could and did form a friendship with Jose Baez.

In Case Something Happens To Me (e.g., I Do Something Stupid)...

Here's my updated obituary (my older obituary is in the back of my journal along with my will and post-mortem plans, which--like I had to with my obituary--I have to eventually update). I've been pretty close to suicide a number of times in at least the past three days. Some parts are censored due to: 1) privacy reasons 2) the privacy being due to that I'm not dead yet:

Born January 23, 1990 at 5:37 AM at St. Agnes Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland, Nicole [censored] Czarnecki was the oldest child and twin daughter of Gregory "Greg" [censored] and Cecilia Allen (née Cecilia [censored] Allen) Czarnecki. A second-generation Marylander, she was raised by Greg--a first-generation Marylander--and (mostly) Cecilia--who has extensive family histories in Maryland, including those of the Pelz-DeBoy families (from which Delegate Steve DeBoy, and actors Paul and P.J. DeBoy descend). She was also a granddaughter of former IRS Agent John "Jack" Czarnecki (who served tax papers to then-President Richard Nixon; an who, at the time, resided in Glen Burnie and now resides in Millersville). 

She was raised in [censored], going to  [censored] Elementary and [censored] Middle (now a part of [censored]) Schools. She graduated from Chapelgate Christian Academy in Marriottsville on June 2, 2008. Briefly attending Howard Community College and then-College (now-University) of Notre Dame of Maryland, she chose to settle on University of Maryland, Baltimore County as her alma mater. She planned to major in Political Science and graduate UMBC in June 2013. She planned to be a journalist, commentator, or other news-and-politics-affiliated professional. 

She loved, besides news and politics, genealogy and family history, history (besides family history), social networking, and music--among other things. Known to many as "Nickidewbear" and "The Nicole Factor" blogger, she blogged, tweeted, Facebooked, YouTubed, and otherwise made known her life's ups and downs, her passions, and other matters.

Besides her Internet audience (who either loved or hated her), her mother and her twin sister (Michelle) family friends, numerous family members (including Kevin Fosko--a paternal once-removed third cousin--and his family, of Silver Spring), and others survive her. She will be buried next to her great-grandmother Mary Theresa Czarnecki (née Trudniak, to Michael--né Mihály--and Anna Monková Trudniak) at St. Mary's Cemetery in Hanover Township, Pennsylvania. In honor of her ethnic Jewishness passed down by (among others) Anna Monková Trudniak, she will be buried in the Jewish tradition with no calling hours prior to her funeral. 

She also, in lieu of flowers, requested donations to Yad Vashem, JewishGen, Jews for Jesus, New Heritage (Morasha Hadasha) Community (which she began attending in 2012 and of which she intended to become a member), Hebrew4Christians, and Chosen People Ministries. She further requested donations to Wounded Warriors and The Fisher House (in memory of herself and Pfc. Bernard "Bernie" S. Czarnecki--Army, 111th Infantry Division Medical Corps, World War Two--, who died from wounds obtained in combat during World War Two), Ancestry.com and FamilySearch.org, and charitable organizations such as Alexa's Lemonade Stand and small businesses such as NipandBones.com.

Shiva will be sat and Kaddish said for her at her home at [censored]. Please provide food for the mourners from Trader Joe's and Roots Market.          

I Know That People Care, But It's Still A Long Battle...

And anyway, I was finally able to give the "Director" of "Caring" Ministries the rebuke that she deserves:

-----Original Message-----
From: Nickidewbear
To: cdallwig
Sent: Wed, Dec 21, 2011 9:31 am
Subject: Re: Ride to Chapelgate

And you were supposed to call me, but you never did. What happened to your being the Caring Coordinator and reaching out to church members?

...

Nicole, 

I understand that you have been inquiring about getting a ride to Chapelgate?  Please call me to let me know what your need is and we can discuss.....I would appreciate it if you would refrain from posting my name on facebook posts without trying to contact me first.  You have my e-mail and phone number available to you as well as anyone else would......

T hanks. 

Cathy Dallwig

Director of Caring Ministries

Chapelgate Church 

410-442-5800, ext 128

cdallwig@chapelgate.org

*Office Hours, 9-3  Mon - Thurs

=

I don't think that after this, she'll hypocritically leave me off of the "Practical Needs List- CPC", which she did. What a hypocrite she can be! Keep bugging her and tell her with me that I mean that she's supposed to live up to her job title and at least put me on the "Practical Needs List- CPC". Let me give you the example that I mean from this morning:

In a message dated 12/21/2011 12:31:11 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, cdallwig@chapelgate.org writes:

Practical Needs List - CPC CPC Member Announcements at Chapelgate Presbyterian Church Message from: Cathy Dallwig Hi all, Listed below are a couple of needs that I have become aware of in our congregation. Please contact the person with the need directly, if you are able to help. 1.[Censored] is looking for ... 2. [Censored] is recovering from... 3.[Censored] is in immediate need of.... Thank you. Cathy Dallwig Director of Caring Ministries 410-442-5800, ext 128 cdallwig@chapelgate.org

Let me give you a hint: I'm not one of the three people on that list. And pray for all those people, by the way. One did get their needs provided for, by the way. Now also pray that this disabled Jew with a divorced parents and meshuga mishpacha on both sides does, and keep bugging Cathy Dallwig so that she can't kick out this outcast like she'd like to; and you and I both know that she doesn't want to deal with me.

But if I get the need to get a consistent ride to church, I can at least have some of my problems (also including the OCD/Anxiety/Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and ADD) helped to be managed by G-d. And Cathy Dallwig can't say a darn if G-d does provide because saying something against G-d's will would be very stupid.