This Fatass Needs To Lose Weight, and...

If you guessed that the fatass is me, you are correct. I told you that I don't sugarcoat about myself. I'm a foodie who's gaining a double chin; and while there's nothing wrong with being a foodie, there is something wrong with emotional eating, thinking about committing suicide again, and even being tempted to go out there and get pregnant just so that I can get all the love and attention that my cousin got at her baby shower (let alone all the love and attention that she gets, anyway. She again, though, comes from  FAIRLY-GOOD HOME AND HAS HAD ALL THE PRIVILEGES IN THE WORLD COMPARED TO ME.).

That someone has had all the privileges in the world compared to me sets them up for more privileges at least in this lifetime, though, is always the case. I even get shattered dreams or otherwise bad with the good. I'm not my cousin or a Krystal Keith who gets to have her cake and eat it, too; though I inadvertently ended up getting followers for Krystal on Twitter when I couldn't even get people to like my own Facebook page (in part, though I shouldn't be talking about them, thanks to bullies like Steve and Cathy Dallwig who indeed despise the poor and won't even reach out to help them; but for when they can reach out only to bully the poor when the poor rebuke them for not reaching out to them.).

What mazel! I get hatzlacha of being the fulfillment of this:

The poor man is hated even by his own neighbor,
But the rich has many friends.


Even many of my own "friends" hate me (And don't you lie. I know that you do and just want to not admit that you hate me.). At least if I lose some weight, though; maybe even become a little underweight as I was at one time again, I'll at least be loved for my skinniness-- and I'll have a reason to be a foodie again.

I Need To Find the Man For Me Before I Go Insane....

To put the situation generously, I have an immature sister and a mom who can't accept her part in everything-- after all, she's the one who would send us to visit an abusive Dad by court order, instead of defying the court order for the moral good. Now that she's dealing with quite a bit of the fallout of at least 10 years (1996-2006; and it's been only five years, a month, and a few weeks since we stopped seeing Dad), she continues to say, "I would've been in contempt of court." You can't accept accountability; can you, Mom?

As for my sister, the only reason that I'm not blogging about her is because she threatened to tell Mom if I did (Real mature!). As I said, I need to find the man for me before I go insane to:

1. Get away from Mom and my sister.
2. Have someone provide for me. 
3. Have independence within the context of how much I can be independent, and independent within the context of a stable marriage and household.
4. Not have to commit suicide.
5. Not have to deal with any part of Mom's part of her own fallout of her lifestyle choices. She, not my sister and I, made the choices that got her to having an abusive husband-turned-ex husband and being a divorced-single mom to my sister and me.

The list goes on. Pray that G-d sends the man for me soon.

Sometimes I Wonder If I'm Good Enough...

As I said yesterday, my mom jokes that I ought to become Catholic. She jokes this partly because I joke and am actually sometimes sure that I'm going to Hell for (as the old confessional goes) "what I have done, and what I have left undone; I have not truly loved [G-d] with my whole heart." I can see in the way that the miracles that I wanted for Christmas came out. The ones that I even partially got are highlighted in yellow. The final score? A whopping "You're not good enough" 30%.

And no matter how I try, I still can't get over some certain vicious people at a certain church, one of whom did not do his or her job and does not meet the qualifications of his or her office-- and G-d hasn't had that the page be restored yet, even though those people unfairly and unjustly reported it.

1. To find the one for me-- self explanatory
2. To have dreams and visions that I need-- even the loner is content with dreams and visions; and if he or she uses them right, won't be lonely in the end. Yosef ben-Ya'akov wasn't.
3. To have the Rapture come-- self explanatory if you think about it
4. The fourth would be for more interaction and popularity at least on  Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter-- self explanatory  (I got the tiniest bit, but not much at all; and I even got some unfollows on Twitter.).
5. To find more relatives and family information-- you can't be lonely knowing that you're part of a family and having at least some relatives who care and, for once, believe you about at least certain things.
6. To have a pet-- self explanatory
7. To have some political cartoons published-- you can't be too lonely with some fame.
8.  To get my novels finished and published--  you can't be too lonely with some fame.
9. To firmly confirm the establishment of my Jewish lineage and find more family info, and have the unsaved in my dad's and mom's families saved while the saved ones grow in faith--  you can't be lonely knowing that you're part of a mishpacha and having at least some relatives who care and, for once, believe you about at least certain things; especially if your relatives are going to Heaven with you. (The confirmation isn't firm, though; and my cousin Marek hasn't recontacted me since Christmas.).
10.  To get through college successfully and to make aliyah if I can-- you can't be too lonely with some potential and success, and being where 'amikha are.

If I Wasn't 12 When I Was Told That Santa Claus Wasn't Real....

I would still be writing to Santa Claus. At 21, I have some desires that I can't get from my mom and that G-d doesn't seem to be giving me. I also read (I think) that St. Nicholas (who died in 345 A.D. (C.E.)) was an Anti Semite. But were St. Nicholas of Myra still alive and not Anti Semitic (though maybe I was confusing him with another Nicholas), I'd write to Santa Claus to give me these ten desires if he could:

1. To find the one for me-- self explanatory
2. To have dreams and visions that I need-- even the loner is content with dreams and visions; and if he or she uses them right, won't be lonely in the end. Yosef ben-Ya'akov wasn't.
3. To have the Rapture come-- self explanatory if you think about it
4. The fourth would be for more interaction and popularity at least on  Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter-- self explanatory
5. To find more relatives and family information-- you can't be lonely knowing that you're part of a family and having at least some relatives who care and, for once, believe you about at least certain things.
6. To have a pet-- self explanatory
7. To have some political cartoons published-- you can't be too lonely with some fame.
8.  To get my novels finished and published--  you can't be too lonely with some fame.
9. To firmly confirm the establishment of my Jewish lineage and find more family info, and have the unsaved in my dad's and mom's families saved while the saved ones grow in faith--  you can't be lonely knowing that you're part of a mishpacha and having at least some relatives who care and, for once, believe you about at least certain things; especially if your relatives are going to Heaven with you.
10.  To get through college successfully and to make aliyah if I can-- you can't be too lonely with some potential and success, and being where 'amikhaare.

I Don't Need To Be A Lonely Jew On Christmas...

I'm already a lonely Jew on Hanukkah, and I celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas. As one of my last videos reflects:

"To be fair and not greedy, taking the mean of eight days and 12 days (for Hanukkah and Christmas; and for the 12 tribes who will be of the 144,000 in the end); I have 10 wishes for Hanukkah and Christmas-- the top three being to find the one for me, to have dreams and visions that I need, and to have the Rapture come. The fourth would be for more interaction and popularity at least on  Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter.The fifth would be find more relatives and family information.The sixth would be a pet. The seventh, eighth, and ninth would be to have some political cartoons published get my novels finished and published, to firmly confirm the establishment of my Jewish lineage and find more family info, and have the unsaved in my dad's and mom's families saved while the saved ones grow in faith. The tenth would be to get through college successfully and to make aliyah if I can."

See how many of the wishes reflect a desire not to be lonely? Actually, all of them do; and let me break it down for you slowly:

1. To find the one for me-- self explanatory
2. To have dreams and visions that I need-- even the loner is content with dreams and visions; and if he or she uses them right, won't be lonely in the end. Yosef ben-Ya'akov wasn't.
3. To have the Rapture come-- self explanatory if you think about it
4. The fourth would be for more interaction and popularity at least on  Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter-- self explanatory
5. To find more relatives and family information-- you can't be lonely knowing that you're part of a family and having at least some relatives who care and, for once, believe you about at least certain things.
6. To have a pet-- self explanatory
7. To have some political cartoons published-- you can't be too lonely with some fame.
8.  To get my novels finished and published--  you can't be too lonely with some fame.
9. To firmly confirm the establishment of my Jewish lineage and find more family info, and have the unsaved in my dad's and mom's families saved while the saved ones grow in faith--  you can't be lonely knowing that you're part of a mishpacha and having at least some relatives who care and, for once, believe you about at least certain things; especially if your relatives are going to Heaven with you.
10.  To get through college successfully and to make aliyah if I can-- you can't be too lonely with some potential and success, and being where 'amikha are.

So Kislev 1, 5771 is Today, And...

Firstly, Nehemia Gordon saw HaChodesh l'Kislev b'Yerushalayim today; so November 26, 2011 marks Kislev 1, 5771. Secondly, I can start marking the Yom b'Ivri on my political cartoons if and once I pick them up again in the morning (I've been busy, depressed, etc. of late; and the last political cartoon that I did was before Thanksgiving.). Thirdly, I still have no new cell phone or enough votes on my Stats project, and I have other things to get and do besides my Stats project.

To the compassionless (including the compassionless disabled people) who tell me to take my lemons and make them into lemonade; you have no idea of what having Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy with OCD/Anxiety/Depression/possible Aspberger's, a house with a divorced-and-working mom and much of a meshuge mispoche on my unsupportive and estranged dad's side, and a whole bunch of other thorns in the flesh and hardships in life to deal with is like.

Even sexual abuse victims get some sympathy and compassion-- even jail and prison inmates hate sexual criminals. Me, I walk well enough for everybody; I talk well enough for everybody, and I seem to deal with enough well enough for everybody; so I walk and talk alone-- or mostly alone, even among friends and family. I'm not piteous or in need of compassion enough for them to help me with what I have on my plate.

Chalilah that they should touch the Jew with Cerebral Palsy, crazy Crypto-Jewish grandparents, and a whole host of other matters and people to deal with. Chalilah for some of them that they should deal with a Messianic Jew.

So I walk alone-- and sometimes or even often worse than rejected by G-d and man alike.