Originally Published On Medium.com: 71 Years Pursuing God Worth More Than 120 Years Cursing God

 Today, I am celebrating a woman whom endured a lot in (presumably) her 70–71 years (as my great-grandmother Mary Czarnecki née Trudnak was, by all indications, one of her namesakes). She was born on October 1, 1842 and (again, presumably) deceased by July 29, 1913 (although Great-Grandma celebrated her birthday on July 28th. I don’t know whether it was confusion due to the Hebrew day beginning on the previous secular day at sunset, and celebration of the fact that the Hapsburgs at least could no longer oppress Jews as of July 28th a year later, or a combination of both. Meanwhile, all indications are that the name honoree herself died under that oppression or in the fallout of the equally-vile actions of the infamous Black Hand.).

I am celebrating a woman made the best of having to be Crypto Jewish, beginning at least as far back as when her Lévai ancestors endured oppression on Óbuda (an island in what is now Budapest). I am celebrating a woman whom arranged for her “illegitimate” daughter Aranka Zsuzanna (Aurelia Zsuzanna) Nagy (should’ve been born “Trudnyak”) to marry an “illegitimate” son of an Anna Pardutz and Jakob Fuchs (whom was born Rezso Antal or Rudolph Anton Pardutz, and should’ve been born Rezso Antal or Rudolph Anton Fuchs).

I am celebrating a woman whom refused to marry in a Roman Catholic church and risked that her children would be seen as “illegitimate” (which they were. After all, few to none in the Roman Catholic Church — whether in Austrohungary or elsewhere — really followed Jesus of Nazareth; and whether or not I agree with her about whether Jesus of Nazareth is the Messiah is another discussion. I can still grant that she attempted to pursue God, even if not out of knowledge. After all, most of the Hapsburgs certainly did not pursue God out of knowledge).

I am celebrating a woman whom seems to have kept herself together as much as she could do so when her son Mihály Nagy took his father’s name and immigrated with him to the United States, and when she and her daughters (the younger of whose fate I still don’t know in any part) were left behind (Aranka and Rezso married in 1904, meanwhile, and that’s the last that I know of either of them.).

I am celebrating a woman whom kept Jewish traditions alive in the midst of Pseudo-Christian Romanism and Austrohungarianism. Using a mix of Sefardi and Ashkenazi naming customs, she and her common-law husband refused to name their firstborn daughter in a way that would give the impression of honoring Miriam bat Eli in a Pseudo-Christian manner.

I am not honoring a man whom was born 82 years after her own birth, and would go on to want to the death of her (and her children’s, and my) people. I look at the man whom was born on October 1, 1924 as cursed (even if he lives 20 more years) compared to my ancestor whom lived only about 71 years and tried to pursue God in every one of those years. By the way, I hope that, that certain man took heed with the events that occurred in the past 24 hours, even despite that about six of my people were murdered: even if he should live 20 more years to curse Israel, he will be cursed for eternity with the one “Palestinian” and the five Iranians whom God Himself cursed to avenge the blood of my people.

I will also not name that man. After all, he called for the legitimization of Hamas (yemach shemo) as recently as 2015, and for Israel to cease fire two weeks after the October 7th attacks. I will by contrast name and remember Maria Nagy (whom should’ve had the right to be Maria Nagy Trudnyak). I will also hope that the memories of Maria Nagy (both daughter and mother — along with Maria Nagy-Trudnyak’s siblings), her parents (and her children’s maternal grandparents), in-law children (including Rezso Pardutz-Fuchs and Anna Munka Trudnak), and other relatives (including Mary Trudnak Czarnecki) will have memories for a blessing and behold their Redeemer (whom I believe to be Jesus of Nazareth) at last at the resurrection of the dead (and I know for certain that Great-Grandma did confess with her mouth and believe in her heart that Jesus of Nazareth is the Messiah and Lord).

לזכור מרים בת יוסף ‏אליעזר נגי ומרים פרצלמיר נגי, ז״ל.

(In memory of Miriam daughter of Yosef Eliezer and Miriam Pretzelmayer Nagy; may her memory be for a blessing)

Commentary: Special Circumstances and An Utter Failure

 Because Maryland does not have capital punishment and the crimes were particularly heinous in nature, “Maryland v. Billingsley” could have easily been upgraded to a federal case. Stalking and murder is one matter. Aggravated rape as well as aggravated attempted murder via arson and aggravated battery via arson are quite another, especially when combined with aggravated stalking and aggravated murder. 

Also, at least CEO LaPere is hopefully at peace. Jason Billingsley’s other female victim, by contrast, has to relive every day what she endured; and while his male victim also suffered, he wasn’t raped. 

Maryland failed three families either way.

Long Answer To A Woman Whose Husband Is a Cousin of Hers

 Read very carefully what I write, as I qualify my answer: 

Last week’s Torah portion made very clear that we Jews are supposed to in fact marry within our tribes. I come from a Crypto-Jewish family, and a lot my families stuck together precisely for the same reason. In fact, e.g., the paternal grandmother (Alexandria née Andrulewicz) of my paternal grandfather (John “Jack” Czarnecki) flipped out when her son Anthony “Tony” (né Czerniecki) Czarnecki married Mary Trudnak (both of whose parents were of Levitic descent. Her father, e.g., was a descendant of Elizabeth Levai Duday; and her mother was a straight-line patrilineal descendant of a Munk(a) Horowitz. You would think that because they were both of Levitic descent, she would not have flipped out. You probably wouldn’t know that she accounted for the fact of my great-grandma did in fact believe in Jesus, whereas, my great-granddad did not—and his respective grandfathers were an Ashkenazi Levite and a Sefardi-Ashkenazi kohen.

The reason that I say all of this is that I find that the husband is an asshole especially if he is a fellow Jew and aware of exactly what Torah says on the matter, and he ignores the fact that Crypto Jews like my ancestors at least took pains to assure that we did not lose our lines among Israel. Besides, Jesus was (and, I believe, is) Torah observant and came through Torah-observant Jews whom were cousins—as his mother was Mariam the daughter of Eli (a descendant of Nathan the son of David), and his adoptive father was Joseph the son of Jacob (a descendant of Solomon, Nathan’s brother). 

If he’s gentile, then he’s still an asshole. He just doesn’t have a Torah-incumbent matter to consider. 

“Easy On Me” and Great-Granddad

 In the Willi Gittens cover of the Adele song, I can hear the lyrics much more clearly than I heard in the original version and other covers. As far as I can tell, even though Adele obviously never knew my paternal grandfather or his parents, this could have been essentially my great-grandfather’s final days summed up. To sum up (or again sum up) his life story, I can tell you the following: 

Great-Granddad (ע״ה)  treated Great-Grandma (ז״ל) in a hurt-people-hurt-people way. He endured a lot of trauma just from living as a pogrom survivor and Crypto Jew whom, with his rape-survivor mother, had to flee what is now Poland as quickly as he could. He, I now think, had a rape-conceived sibling whom was left behind in Poland and not, as I previously thought, born in the United States. He became a paternal orphan when he was 17 going on 18, and he would experience a lot of other loss by the time that he himself died. As I write this, for example, his brother Bernie’s 61st secular-calendar yahrzeit came and went four days ago—and Bernie (ז״ל), being the youngest brother at just over 15 years younger, ideally should have outlived him. So should have my first granduncle Tony—his firstborn son (ז״ל.). 

After essentially losing his childhood and losing (among over 10 others in a total of just under 60.17 years ) at least two siblings in his first 20 years (including his left-behind sibling in 1907-1908), both parents by the time that he was 31 (with neither of his parents reaching even 60 years—let alone 70 years—of age), and a younger brother and a younger cousin (Lillie Czarnecki Trudnak, ז״ל) in the same year (1963/5723), he endured the final straw. With the coal mines closed down in Sugar Notch and his right leg lost (specifically, his three middle toes and his lower leg severed) in a lawnmowing accident, he lost hope of any employment and of staving off PTSD and Depression flareups. 

He would have been familiar with tashlich and netilat yadayim as well as mikvot. He would have also heard of baptism by immersion (for at least the mere reason that Northeastern Pennsylvania actually contained a WASP community even during its Non-WASP demographic shifts), and he perhaps would have explained to Great-Grandma and my younger granduncle Tony (ז״ל) what drove him to a suicide attempt had he survived it. 

These lyrics alone would capture that, plus the facts that he did change his mind about suicide and that he did leave a suicide note in the car: 

“There ain’t no gold in this river 

 

 “That I’ve been washin’ my hands in forever 

 

“I know there is hope in these waters

 

“But I can’t bring myself to swim

 

“When I am drowning in this silence…”

I don’t know if Granduncle Tony or Great-Grandma ever read or even saw the suicide note that was found at the scene. What I do know is that Granduncle Tony was an 18-year-old paternal orphan whom was still living with a hurt-people-hurt-people father and a now-widowed mother. What I also know is that Great-Grandma was a conflicted 51-year-old widow whom had endured an abusive 30-plus-years marriage: 

 “There ain’t no room for things to change

 

“When we are both so deeply stuck in our ways

 

“You can’t deny how hard I have tried

 

“I changed who I was to put you both first

 

“But now I give up… 

 

“So go easy on me”

 

Why “Religious Trauma” Is Usually A Valid Explanation—Even Though Not An Excuse

 In very few cases is “religious trauma” actually a cover for sin or at least a full cover. For example, many Catholic- and Amish-raised people experienced sexual and non-sexual abuse while being told, “You shall not hate your neighbor in your heart” and “Your shall honor your father and mother.” 

Some, e.g., Catholic- and Amish-raised people were indeed disrespectful brats, although many if not most lashed out because, e.g., their parish priests and deacon neighbors were sexually abusing them; and/or their parents were hypocritically telling them things like, “God doesn’t love you, you God-damned sinner. You don’t question what the church leaders say, no matter how much you think that you should be able to read the Bible for yourself. Who in Hell do you think that you are for wanting ‘a personal relationship with Jesus’? Jesus didn’t die for you so that you can do whatever in Hell you want. Do what you’re supposed to do—‘honor your father and mother’, and ‘do not speak against a leader of your people’—especially if you’re not Paul, and you’re without any reason to speak against a high priest.” 

After a childhood of such sexual and/or non-sexual abuse, a child may well be made twice as fit for Hell as the abusers because he or she engages in, e.g., homosexual activity after being raped by the parish priest or familial abuse after being verbally and mentally abused by his or her dad whom was an Amish bishop. The latter is, e.g., actually the case of Fannie Beechy Yoder—her son Eli frequently speaks about how her mindset is still even to please “her father, the bishop” or “please her daddy”; and she went on to marry the very-abusive Henry Yoder, whom himself was a target of child abuse. She herself went on to abuse Mr. Yoder as he began to turn his life over to Jesus and considered leaving the Amish, and even after he began to repent of his own abuse; and she continues to abuse Eli and his family simply because they talk about the Pseudo-Christian abusiveness within much of Amish culture. 

Therefore, there are less merely-spoiled brats and way more Fanny Beechys and Eli Yoders (and Eli himself perpetrated and perpetuated abuse until he became born again in 2017). 

PS I also have faced religious trauma, although I am aware that, that does not excuse my own sins; and I all the more I understand when Jesus warned the Pharisees about making people twice as fit for Hell—and especially Dad’s ancestors in recent generations faced trauma from Rabbinic Jewish leadership and from Pseudo-Christian leadership (Being born under fences around the Torah and with a distorted understanding of Jesus can cause Crypto Jews more trauma than either most Jews or gentiles realize or care to realize). If I did not work to understand where some of my own sinful behaviors over the course of my life have originated, I would be just as badly on a path as many of my family members. 

PPS I don’t need to talk about the Catholic part as much. If you followed my blog, write any of my other ratings, and/or know me personally, you very much understand why the Catholic Church caused me religious trauma—and caused me to understand why my especially father’s family still tries to hide our Jewish heritage when they’re not exactly open to the fact that I found out about it (Apathy or feigned ignorance is the least-hostile response which I’ve seen; and family on both sides have been markedly hostile, including in enraged denial, when I’ve brought up our Jewish heritage. Dad is not mixed, whereas Mom is; and while neither identity as Jewish, especially some of Mom’s relatives have been eager to point out that we’re mostly of gentile descent on those sides as well as from outwardly-Catholic and -Lutheran backgrounds within recent generations. One, Colleen DeBoy*, did so very publicly on my blog; and she is the only one who my will be mentioning publicly for that reason.

(*We are descendants of the mixed-blooded-Jewish John Adam DeBoy, a descendant of Catherine Peltz, and Ella Farrell, whose father was actually Jewish. How the Farrells were Jewish is not exactly clear to me to this day, although I’m still taken aback by the fact that the custom of omitting flowers was a Farrell custom, and not a Peltz custom that Pop-Pop DeBoy kept.)

#WoofWednesday: The Post-Grooming Photoshoot That You May Need To See

 

There are an additional 27 photos in a separate photo burst. Reilly is a little gift that keeps on giving just by being Reilly.

Trigger Warning: Depiction and Description of Cambodian Genocide Of 1975-1979

 Unfortunately, Instagram would not allow me to mark the following painting as “sensitive”. When I began to paint this, I had no idea where it was going. What could I do with a poorly-painted human form that looked like a corpse? Then it clicked: I was eerily reminded that Cambodians were left as nothing on “killing fields” by the Khmer Rouge. I either did not know or remember that the #CambodianGenocide. ended only 45 years ago on January 7th. As I researched and painted, I thought about what the Cambodian Buddhist monk in the painting would think (The painting is at the end of this poem. If you are sensitive, please do not look at the painting.): 

“As my garment of the monk that I was

“Blended with the blood that sunk as flies buzz

“Above me (and my life that penetrated ground 

“(So much that which is cloth of Buddhist robes confound)

“My soul cries out and wonders if my family

“Will ever identify what calamity

“Left of me on the thorn, thistle, and briar.

“Will I be abandoned with no pyre

“For what remains of me?

“My relatives can’t see

“Or call out my name, or hear—

“As they, too, have not one bier

“Or mourner left to carry them—for I perceive 

“The voices of loved ones agonizingly leave

“The mortal realm and join me among the souls

“Of the victims of the Khmer Rogue as rolls

“The field in which my body lays (and in which my eyes

“(No longer bring forth water, but bring forth what belies

“Any claim of any wisdom by the Khmer Rouge). 

“As strong waves of red from socket to socket deluge

“More than the Mekong River ever could flood,

“The clay of my form softens as if the mud

“Of a bank it was destined to be

“Instead of committed properly

“According to Cambodian tradition—

“All because of Pol Pot’s dereliction.”