One of those days…I don't see my life getting better, and every good thing in my life has something bad outweighing it—as if the price for having something good in my life is at least one bad thing—and any good thing being not as long-term, sticking, or meaningful as it could be (often because there always seems to be a price to pay for it).
For example, I have Reilly and can’t be as good of a “Momma” to her as I’d like—and I get judged for getting her from a responsible breeder. I was advised to not adopt by my physiatrist at the time for multiple reasons. I actually also missed much of Reilly’s first year in many ways because of a severe Depression flareup—and even now, my night owlism partly due to my Depression being exacerbated is not helping her.
I often wonder if I did something bad enough and what exactly I did that God decided to everything good in my life (e.g., Reilly) must come with something bad (e.g., being a crappy “Momma” to Reilly in many ways) as a price for having that good in of itself—or does God make me suffer just because He can (and God has the right to do that)? By the way, I grant that others have gone through similar or even worse. Even so and in fact, how I can be strong enough for others if I am not strong enough for myself?
Anyway, there it is, if I seem to have been more quiet lately: now you know why.
