#MondayMotivation, #MaltipooMonday, And a Confession From "Momma"

Update per the confession below (1:35 PM EST): Since "Momma" wants to clarify and give no wrong impressions, the person who "Momma" thinks might be Reilly's eventual "Daddy" is someone whom is from one of "Momma"'s ancestral states and whom she has known for some time, and may have made a donation to St. Jude's in her honor.
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While "Momma" is still looking for a full-time job—which reminds her that she needs to finish a project related to job seeking, by the way—she petsits her furniece and watches her "dogter"—both of whom give her two reasons to live and sometimes laugh, not to mention motivations for Mondays and the hashtag "#MaltipooMonday".

She also checks to see if a certain someone, whom she thinks is Reilly's eventual "Daddy", checks her blog (Feedjit and Clustrmaps, e.g., are useful apps 🙂.). Many a nights, that has kept her up—to Reilly's detriment—and unable to get to sleep right away—there's even a loneliness that pets can't fulfill for their owners, let alone that Reilly for "Momma". Especially as life closes in on both her and ever-patient Reilly, she often sighs out of heartbreak.

By the way, Reilly was oddly very playful at dawn as "Momma" woke up for a little while—she gave some kisses and nibbled "Momma"'s hand, and she enjoyed some belly rubs as well as ran around playfully (Eventually, "Momma" had to say that she and Reilly needed to go back to sleep for a while.). Maybe empathetic Reilly sensed some of the pain that Momma's enduring, even during this Thanksgiving month.

Also, by the way, Reilly did lick Momma's ring when she did show her it and asked her if she remembered it when she showed it to her last night—as "Momma" forgot for a moment (The exhaustion and, e.g., ADD get to "Momma".).

Somewhat Offbeat: A Lonely "Momma" In A Crowded Room—And Even Putting Reilly Through Something Like 2014 Again?

"Momma" has realized for a while that her mental-illness flareups due to worrying about herself and Reilly have put Reilly through something like 2014 again. As "Momma" wrote a while back:

Despite her OCD, etc., Reilly is honestly among the reasons that she's still alive. She missed much of her first year for several reasons, among them being—if not with most of them stemming from—that she'd oversleep due to a Depression flareup after—to make a long story short—a relative's ex-boyfriend's sister used even LinkedIn to cyberstalk her in order to intimidate she after she had confronted the ex boyfriend about something. At least, meanwhile, Reilly got some naps when "Auntie Michelle" would bring Reilly upstairs to her room and there while she overslept—and puppies need up to 20 hours of sleep per day.

With "Momma" often staying up later than she should and being more sleepless compared to many others, she has exhausted both herself and Reilly. Even worse is when she's been lonely even with Reilly—her "dogter"—around, and even when Camille—her furniece—is around as well—let alone when she's been in a crowded room or at least enough of a crowd, with or without Reilly.

Being lonely is pretty easy for "Momma" when she isn't trusted about Reilly, anyway, let alone when she doesn't have someone whom'd understand that "Momma" is trying her best to be a good "Momma" to Reilly—not to mention that she thinks that she knows who her helpmate and Reilly's "Daddy" could be down the road and he seems to be sending her incredibly-mixed signals if he is who she thinks that he is—either way, "Momma" wishes for both her sake and Reilly's sake that:

1. She knew who Reilly's future "Daddy" is.
2. That the person who's sending her mixed signals would just tell her, especially for Reilly's sake

Somewhat Offbeat: Poor Reilly Is Exhausted Because Of "Momma" Dealing With A Difficult Time, Etc.

As "Momma" continues to deal with life closing in on her and Reilly, Reilly is being affected again—poor baby! Contrary to what "Mom-Mom" alleges, the case isn't that "Momma" doesn't care about Reilly—the case is actually that she does care about Reilly and wants a "Daddy" for Reilly and a helpmate for Reilly.

As she has written:

"Then have people wonder why you sit up alone at night thinking about both your future and poor Ri's future, despite that you should be taking Reilly back upstairs and going "night nights"—and you're amazed that even reading at night doesn't always help you fall asleep or sleep well enough, and you also know that Reilly's patiently waiting for you to finish reading before turning the reading light off affects her to be a little more sleepy during the day."

She was able to figure out that exhaustion is affecting Reilly and was affecting her to, as Mom-Mom stated in regards to how Reilly was affected to, have "been acting funny this morning." Mom-Mom, of course, lectured her when she figured why Reilly was "acting funny"—which had nothing to do with the uncooked quinoa noodle that she ate and refused to drop yesterday.

Meanwhile, part of why "Momma" is exhausted, etc. is because she feels that someone who could be Reilly's future "Daddy" may be—so to speak—sending her funny signals right now, and she just wants to know what he's thinking—is he going to be Reilly's "Daddy" in the future, and does he even want to be Reilly's "Daddy" and "Momma"'s helpmate?

"Momma" and Reilly are also not getting any younger—in fact, Thanksgiving falls right in between when "Momma" will be 26 ⅚ years old and Reilly 2⅔ years old—not to mention that "Momma" doesn't want to end up with the kind of disappointment and heartbreak that Gwen Ifill (of blessed memory) had:

"Ifill never married not had any children. When asked about in 2008, she still seemed hopeful. 'I don't know why I'm not married,' she told TIME. 'I just know I will be, so I don't sweat it.'" 

"Sadly she never got the chance to fulfill that wish. She died on Monday - just two days before she was scheduled to receive a prestigious award, the John Chancellor Award, at a Columbia University ceremony, reports."

She also feels like a female equivalent of Nick Carraway, whom F. Scott Fitzgerald made to have his full birthday in September (with no connection to Reilly's half birthday, of course):

"After a moment Tom got up and began wrapping the unopened bottle of whiskey in the towel.

'Want any of this stuff? Jordan? . . . Nick?

"I didn’t answer.

“'Nick?' He asked again.

“'What?

“'Want any?”

“'No . . . I just remembered that to-day’s my birthday.'

"I was thirty. Before me stretched the portentous, menacing road of a new decade...

"Thirty — the promise of a decade of loneliness, a thinning list of single men to know, a thinning brief-case of enthusiasm, thinning hair." 

Amazingly, "Momma" hasn't died of exhaustion and loneliness yet—and even more amazingly (and miraculously), Reilly hasn't died due to her "Momma"-affected exhaustion—maybe there's hope for "Momma" and Reilly. 

"Momma" Worries For Reilly & Herself As Life Continues To Close In On Her And, Thus, Reilly

In an article that "Momma" read recently, the article's author quoted Dr. Brené Brown: 

"Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow—that’s vulnerability."

Puppies—including adult puppies—are truly as loyal as any creature can be. Meanwhile, especially when humans get in the way of that loyalty can be incredibly frustrating—especially when the humans who get in the way do so because they take advantage of a more-vulnerable human—as "Momma" is typing this, for example, "Auntie Michelle" is deliberately holding off from bringing Reilly downstairs to take Reilly potty. 

"Auntie Michelle" darned well knows that she wouldn't take advantage if "Momma" did not have Cerebral Palsy, because she couldn't take advantage(!)—unless "Momma" had another physical disability (whether a visible one or an invisible one, and whether another neurophysical one or a non-neurophysical one) and provided that "Momma"'s mental illnesses weren't debilitatingly flaring up, "Momma" could safely take Reilly out at night. 

"Momma" has also told "Auntie Michelle" and "Mom-Mom" this—i.e., that they couldn't take advantage of "Momma" re Reilly if she didn't have a physical disability—several times—and they know deep in their hearts that they do it even if and when they do it subconsciously.

That's part of why "Momma" blogs so much about Reilly needing a "Daddy" and "Momma" needing a helpmate. By the way, speaking of a "Daddy" for Reilly and a helpmate for "Momma", "Momma" recently wrote:

"While "Momma" has some ideas about whom Reisy's "Daddy" might be (or at least whom she hopes that he might be), she's not sure that she's currently—and she's more sure that she's currently not—in a position to share her specific thoughts about that with anyone but God, Reisy (even though Reisy is a canine—specifically, an adult puppy known as a "dog"—as opposed to a human), and a few other people. If anything, the case seems to be that whoever Reisy's "Daddy" is might have to tell "Momma"—especially if he's among those whom "Momma" thinks strongly might be Reisy's "Daddy"."

That's part of why "Momma" requoted Dr. Brown—and whether she has to look or has already found him, she still has to wait either way. 😒

Somewhat Offbeat: "Momma" Told You That Reilly's Not Well Behaved Enough To Be A Service Dog

Since an service dog would be required to be well behaved and younger than two years old, Reilly lacks the behaving nature and youth that a service dog must have. Even again using a pair of "Momma"'s underwear (yes; underwear!) as a tug-of-war and chewing today—notwithstanding that it was clean—and trying to eat a desiccant bead—albe that it was harmless, and she dropped it when she was told to drop it—automatically disqualifies Reilly from being even close to trainable for service-dog work.

If only Reilly had a more-able-to-be-authorative-than-"Momma" "Daddy", meanwhile! As "Momma" has stated, may God count loneliness for over three years—not to mention almost eight years after her first abysmal relationship ended—as enough of a fast and provide a Yom Kippur miracle to break "Momma"'s fast of loneliness—not to mention that Reilly turns two years and seven old in two weeks in terms of both Gregorian reckoning and Hebrew reckoning, since she was actually born on Second Adar 23 or 24, 5773! Besides, getting blamed for Reilly's disobedience when she was specifically told to go inside after eating "nasties" is not fun—after all, "Momma" had no chair to use as a porch railing and could not hold the leashes of Reilly and Camille—and even "Mom-Mom", whom was home yesterday due to Columbus Day, had a hard time getting going-back-into-the-backyard Reilly to come inside the house.

Incidentally, "Momma" remains jobless and unable to provide for Reilly as much as she'd like to provide for Reilly on her part—and despite that she uses LinkedIn appropriately—and she will be pleased with Reilly if Reilly's gifts of writing fodder to "Momma" lands or helps land "Momma" a job. 

Very-Patient Reilly & A Difficult Time For Her

Reilly is often very patient with "Momma", and Reilly is dealing relatively well enough with the difficult times—including "Momma"'s preparations for Yom Kippur and dealing with loneliness—that are going on at home—and Reilly's incredible patience, even when "Momma" gets mad at Reilly for bad behaviors such as barking vociferously or frustratedly biting "Auntie Michelle", amazes "Momma". Especially as "Momma" has gone through heartbreaks such as losing touch with the main person whom inspired her to write about Reilly, Reilly has been "Momma"'s biggest fan—or at least her biggest canine fan—while "Momma" can't always be her biggest fan.

Offbeat: Still Waiting On Reilly's "Daddy" & An Awful Post On People With Disabilities

Firstly, about the post: according to a now-ex Facebook friend, "people with mental/neurological disabilities"—including, by her logic, herself—should never marry or have children—since they can't handle being spouses and parents, and will only put their children into dysfunction and poverty. Also according to her, Reilly's human grandparents shouldn't have had children. Meanwhile, the hypocrite herself recently married and refused to respond when Reilly's "Momma" pointed out that the now-ex friend was basically saying that God shouldn't have created people with disabilities—"Momma" also, pointed out, for example and without saying in the exact words what she pointed out, that the hypocrite wants to deny others with disabilities the opportunity to marry.

As if "Momma" isn't in enough pain, didn't hope for a miracle on Yom Teru'ah and National Boyfriend Day, and isn't even trying to be a good "Momma" to Reilly! As if "Momma" doesn't think about herself and "Reilly" getting older while "Momma" either needs Reilly's "Daddy" to come into her life soon or might have to end up remaining an alteh moid and being another stereotypical and forced-by-life case of the ableist argument that people with disabilities don't get married because society doesn't love them!

"Momma" hurts enough for herself and for Reilly, and feels like Daisy in The Great Gatsby did:

"Through this twilight universe Daisy began to move again with the season; suddenly she was again keeping half a dozen dates a day with half a dozen men, and drowsing asleep at dawn with the beads and chiffon of an evening dress tangled among dying orchids on the floor beside her bed. And all the time something within her was crying for a decision. She wanted her life shaped now, immediately — and the decision must be made by some force — of love, of money, of unquestionable practicality — that was close at hand.

"That force took shape in the middle of spring with the arrival of Tom Buchanan. There was a wholesome bulkiness about his person and his position, and Daisy was flattered. Doubtless there was a certain struggle and a certain relief. The letter reached Gatsby while he was still at Oxford"

If "Momma" has to settle like Daisy Buchanahn did, she will—at least she'd be able to expect that she'd be ablestically cheated on if she did get cheated on, as opposed to have to say "I should've have expected to be cheated on" if she ends up getting cheated on by a guy whom she thought might actually stay with her.

Incidentally, "Momma" did once send to the main person whom inspired her to write about Reilly a writing-practice piece in which she quoted The Great Gatsby —and she is more than ever reminded about that green light on the dock as she waits for whomever Reilly's "Daddy" might be:

"There's a "Great Gatsby" meme that's going around the Internet, and it's—at least I assume that it's—particularly made inroads in the Facebook world—after all, the Facebook world is its subject. The "Gatsby" meme reads something like, "When you see your crush online, you know how Gatsby felt when he stared at the green light at the end of the dock." The reference is, of course, how a crush's name with "Web O" by it is reminiscent of the following: "'You always have a green light that burns all night at the end of your dock.'""

Unlike Gatsby, though, "Momma" won't have the memory of her green light fade and have the green light become just another object.

Belated Valentine's/Singles Awareness Day Entry (Which I Needed To Write)

A two-time (not "two-timing"!) ex girlfriend, with each ex having had the police called on him for harassment, I had a single-again woman's Valentine's Day that could not have been lonelier for me; and being a two-time-single-again woman wasn't the only reason. Other reasons concern being a 26-year-old woman and waiting-for-marriage virgin whom has Cerebral Palsy, mental illnesses, no job, and two failed relationships on which she tried to work—and one was from August 4, 2004 to about May 19, 2005, and the other was for six days in 2013. 

Meanwhile, I thought about, saw, and heard how many of my loved ones and friends—including able, neurotypical, and employed ones—had a happy Valentine's Day or Singles Awareness Day, all while I'm a single-again pariah and wondering why I can't have a Cinderella-type story while more-fortunate ones have their happinesses—talk about one having his or her
cake and also eating it!

Some other loved ones and friends, at the same time, had their own Cinderella- or Frog Prince-type stories, all while I fared worse than even Gatsby—whom at least had guests at parties, requited (even though illicitly-requited) love for a while, and even five people at his funeral. Even a fictional character fared better than me, and he could've had his lover had she had the courage to leave her long-time-philandering husband for a man whom loved her!

All I have to show is two broken relationships, unrequited and unrequitable loves over the years (including within the past few years), zero offers to set me up with someone, and failed, fruitless, and little- and non-supported attempts to find someone and/or have someone cross my path. Happy Valentine's and Singles Awareness Day to me, indeed :-/ —or in all seriousness, to those whom had and have what kind of happinesses I could not have this year or for the other past 10 years.

When (I Feel Like) I've No Reason To Go To Bed At Night (And I'm Sure That Others Can Relate)

I think that these few verses really sum up for me why (I often feel like) I've no reason to go to bed at night—not to mention that I am Jewish, and I'm experiencing part of Moshe's prophecies through no fault of my own (I was not yet born, though I was in the desert those millennia ago.):

"65 And among these nations shalt thou have no repose, and there shall be no rest for the sole of thy foot; but the LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and languishing of soul. 66 And thy life shall hang in doubt before thee; and thou shalt fear night and day, and shalt have no assurance of thy life.67 In the morning thou shalt say: 'Would it were even!' and at even thou shalt say: 'Would it were morning!' for the fear of thy heart which thou shalt fear, and for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see."

Jews do indeed have higher rates of Depression and other mental illnesses. All the harder is when I am alone in general, anyway—

"9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him that is alone when he falleth, and hath not another to lift him up. 11 Again, if two lie together, then they have warmth; but how can one be warm alone? 12And if a man prevail against him that is alone, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." 

Consider, too, that I have a physical disability as well (not to mention that I have OCD/Anxiety, ADD, and IBS):

"The poor is hated even of his own neighbour; but the rich hath many friends."

"Wealth addeth many friends; but as for the poor, his friend separateth himself from him."5 A false witness shall not be unpunished; and he that breatheth forth lies shall not escape."6 Many will entreat the favour of the liberal man; and every man is a friend to him that giveth gifts.

"7 All the brethren of the poor do hate him; how much more do his friends go far from him! He that pursueth words, they turn against him."

How many other people with disabilities—physical, mental (including mental illnesses), and other disabilities alike—can relate, I'm sure!

"And when ye offer the blind for sacrifice, is it no evil! And when ye offer the lame and sick, is it no evil! Present it now unto thy governor; will he be pleased with thee? or will he accept thy person? saith the LORD of hosts."

How people with disabilities and illnesses are used (including mocked), especially in the name of God! Then people wonder why I and others say "Were it morning!" in the evening and "Were it evening!" in the morning.

I'm sure, too, that, that was the experience of Great-Granddad Czarnecki 51 years ago today, after he'd had a rough life (regardless of that he caused much of it in his adult years) and lost his leg in a lawn-mowing accident on top of all that he endured—and he had Depression! (Great-Granduncle Bernie, BTW, had Schizophrenia; and Great-Great-Grandma likely had Schizoaffective Disorder).

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A Reminder That A Cousin's Cousin Inspired Me To Give

I normally don't do this; so, bear with me:

To all of my Facebook friends and others, I'm asking you to think about this (as a friend of mine reminded me and others) for a second:

1. Among the strongest of people are those whom are also among the most sensitive of people—or at least the ones whom are willing to admit that they are sensitive and are willing to not desensitize themselves.
2. Many who at least try to be kind are also among the ones whom are usually the first ones to be treated unkindly. The reason for that is that unkind people like to take advantage of kind people and see how strong they really are—to them, sensitivity is weakness and/or a witness against them of their own weaknesses; and sensitivity, of course, includes putting the words "I want to talk about it [whatever 'it' is]"* into action.
3. Many who at least try to bear others' burdens are trying to do what someone refused to do for them—and frankly, they're hoping that someone will finally bear their burdens in turn (or at least that God will reward them for helping others)**.

If you find this reminder worth sharing, share it. If you don't find this reminder worth sharing, then decline to share it and leave it at that. Also, feel free to take this reminder and—for a lack of better wordage—modify it to put it in your own words, give your own examples that pertain to this reminder (See the asterisks.), and ultimately have it come from your heart.

Remember, too, that we're all imperfect; and many of us at least sometimes hurt others in the ways in which we ourselves were hurt, whether we realize or don't realize that we do—and I certainly grant that many others (for example, the aforementioned unkind people) do often, or even always, deliberately hurt others

* RIP Mary Trudnak Czarnecki (Those were her words to my aunt when she finally broke down. "No, no; it's okay—I want to talk about it."

(I wish that I knew and understood that that's why I knew such a vulnerable Great-Grandma Czarnecki when she was still alive—she was trying to be strong and hold her own for at least 73 years, 16 of them in which I was alive—she married Great-Granddad when she was 20-going-on-21 years old in 1934, and she died when she was 93-going-on-94 years. I was born in 1990 when she was 76-going-on-78 years old.).

** RIP Mary DeBoy Pundt (I only heard about her and never had the chance to meet her.).

Short Story: Ditched

Author's note: I wrote this based on quite a few things, including how I just felt when I thought that I was the only person who was downstairs and, thus, unable to get Reilly up to my room for the night.


That was it...there it was...undeniably in front of her...facing her as much as she was facing—or at least having to face—it: the fact that she was ditched—abandoned—and now entirely alone—and helpless.

"...if you were the last person on Earth"—well, she was (or at least she felt like) the last person on Earth. The ridiculousness of that phrase finally revealed itself to her. 

"Nobody would help you if you were the last person on Earth because nobody else would be on Earth!" she thought to herself. "Shouldn't the phrase be '...the only other person on Earth', then?" Then again, her case fit the "last person on Earth" type of situation—she couldn't help herself now, and she couldn't help herself if she were the last person on Earth. 

"Then why should I even be on Earth?" she thought. Then again, she couldn't take her own life if she couldn't help herself for her own life; could she? Nonetheless, she was alone—she didn't even have any angels watching over her (let alone the Angel of the LORD tending to her —Elijah had Him to encourage him to at least eat and drink). 

If anything did  happen to her —G-d forbid —she'd at least write this epitaph down as part of her last will and testament for anyone whom would show up and find her. "At least throw me in a ditch if you must ditch me in my death as many ditched me in my life."

As she wrote her epitaph down, she realized that her sardonic humor was keeping her alive. "'Misery loves company'", she mused, "and 'two are better than one.'"

Depression, Dying In the Diaspora, and Likely Being An Alteh Moid (And Other Matters)

First with the schtick about dying in the Diaspora: well, an ex friend just died at 4:00 AM today. As I told my sister, "I keep telling you about dying in the Diaspora; you won't believe me" or something like that. To watch Yirimiyahu 8:1-7 continuously come true disturbs me. The ex friend was only in his 20s and had cancer, by the way.

Also, what about the four men murdered in Friday's terror attacks as well as Georges Wolinski murdered on Wednesday? Surely, some have to be looking at this and saying, "It is true: 'And death shall be chosen rather than life by all the residue that remain of this evil family, that remain in all the places whither I have driven them, saith יהוה צבאות.' Indeed, 'the stork in the heaven knoweth her appointed times; and the turtle and the swallow and the crane observe the time of their coming; but My people know not the ordinance of יהוה.'

"'And thou shalt become an astonishment, a proverb, and a byword, among all the peoples whither יהוה shall lead thee away.'" That's not supposed to exacerbate the MDD with which I suffer?!

Also, I can't get out of the Diaspora myself. Why? Besides what I wrote yesterday (See "To watch...true" above.), that I'm not married is a factor (and a painful one!)! Did that get into a debate as well, by the way!

Given the following, I may pretty much be doomed either way:

1. Each but for two of my maternal grandparents' post-natal children (including my late aunt Mary Carole) have been divorced and remarried at least once.
2. All of my paternal grandparents' post natal children have each been divorced once.
3. My parents are divorced (no duh!).
4. I have C.P., OCD/ADD, MDD, ADD, and IBS.
5. I'm 24 years old and going on to be 25 years old.

There are other factors as well. Being an undesirable, a divorce statistic, and still single at 24 years old, I'm likely to die an alteh moid. Comforting? No! Exacerbating my MDD? Yes! Having nobody to at least get me out of the Diaspora? Even more exacerbating my MDD!

PS As I was trying to write this whole blog entry, I had to stop for multiple long periods because I couldn't get a moment of quiet. Also, I was pretty much, e.g., shot down on explaining why Francois Hollande called Netanyahu's bluff. To live in a house in which I can't share much without being interrupted, shot down, etc. is all the rougher.

This Is My Night, Or...

At least it's an example of one of my nights--at least one of my Shabbatot (viz., tonight).

1. Observing Shabbat (if I'm lucky or blessed)
2. Watching "Fridays With Geraldo" on "The O'Reilly Factor" (and any other part of "The O'Reilly Factor" if I feel like it)
3. Eating dinner
4. Getting a shower
5. Playing on the computer (e.g., watching YouTube clips, being on Twitter, talking with friends on Facebook)
6. Getting to bed late again, knowing damned well that I should be in bed because I have a counseling appointment in the morning.

This is partly why (and as much as I love talking to my friends on Facebook, this is party why) I need a big break or miracle in life--mundane, monotonous, lonely nights won't always cut it.

Blaming the Guns; Now the Jews? G-d-Damned Anti Semites...

Keep these kinds of thoughts, evil or not, to yourself. As far as is known, James Holmes is a gentile, anyway.  Besides, nobody--Jewish or gentile--is righteous. Morrisville, you are caught and exposed for your Anti Semitism!

is james holmes jewish

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Morrisville, Pennsylvania arrived from google.com on "The Nicole Factor: Was James Holmes Just Plain Evil Or Evil and Lonely?" by searching for is james holmes jewish.

Was James Holmes Just Plain Evil Or Evil and Lonely?

"How Do You Get That Lonely?" might apply to James Holmes. Maybe he had a death wish or was otherwise a loner. Loneliness never excuses evil, by the way, but loneliness must still be considered. "A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; [h]e rages against all wise judgment." (Proverbs 18:1)



I blame only James Holmes, but his family and friends maybe should've seen the writing on the wall.

In Response To C. Polk's Most-Recent Comment

"You set up a series of false dichotomies, love.

"'Also, we all live in a dark and lonely world, unless we're in complete denial about how the world is'

"My world is neither dark nor lonely. The world is what we make of it; your world is dark and lonely by choice."


Haver, amigo, I think that you missed the point completely. Also, I think that you're in denial about how the world is or even subconciously too much trying to be of the world, which is a dark and lonely place.

"This is the reality being denied: Are you doing anything to change the darkness and loneliness, or are you waiting for someone else to change it for you? Who is responsible for making such a change on your behalf?

"'Speaking of a dark and lonely world, what does one do when even fame is the only way that he or she is going to be loved'

"Is fame what you think it is? How many celebrities have to see psychiatrists? Do they really seem happy to you?"

That I have much choice in the matter isn't really the case. Having Diplegic Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety/Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, possible Aspberger's, and unmedicated ADD doesn't give much of a choice; not to mention much of my mishpacha. Also, these celebrities aren't too unhappy being famous or they'd quit willing to be-- and quit being-- famous.

"Demi Moore had a breakdown and had to be institutionalized. Where was her fame and wealth to keep her happy?

"When Whitney Houston was laying in the hot tub sinking down in a medicated stupor, or all the mornings she poured milk over her crack cocaine and ate it for breakfast, where was the love?

"This is the reality being denied: The Devil makes worldly offers every bit as good as God. It is up to us to determine a blessing from God and a trick of Satan. Do you know how to tell one from another? Love. Togetherness."


Kings David and Solomon were famous. So were the prophets (even if infamous in their lifetime). Fame isn't necessarily evil. Also, Whitney Houston and Demi Moore had all the support in the world-- at least Whitney at the end of her life (She even had flags at hald mast for her.), and Demi Moore at her low points.

"If you want fame, then you must become a whore to the media and give people what they want to hear, be a spokesman for diviseveness and make people feel superior about themselves for embracing your side of an issue. If you want love, you must find ways to bring people together in such a way that they recognize each other as equals. When it comes to fame and love, having one doe not mean you have the other. Lots of people are famous without being loved."


Plenty of famous people aren't media whores.

"Either way, if you seek unobtainable goals and then judge yourself by your inability to reach those goals, you are living in denial of the beauty that is within reach."


As I said, not much is reach for me because of the OCD/Anxiety, etc.

When There Are Issues Outside of Medication's Reach...

What am I going to do; pop in an Abilify or Sertraline (Zoloft) pill? What if I've already taken my medication, anyway; or what if 24 hours (or at least another interval of enough time) has passed before I retake my medication? There are issues that the medication can't touch. For example, the medication can't touch every OCD/Anxiety and Depression moment-- think about how many pills and dosages I'd have to take if medication could touch every moment! Also, the medication can't touch that I am lonely because of the OCD/Anxiety and Depression, Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, ADD (for which I don't even need medication), possible Aspberger's (which my sister swears that I have), and meshuga mishpacha on both sides of my family.

Also, we all live in a dark and lonely world, unless we're in complete denial about how the world is (which many of us even just in the world are) or if we've had all the short-term privileges compared to many in the world (which many even in just the world have also had, even though they are also have the long-term privileges-- so they, so to speak, get their cake and eat it, too.). Speaking of a dark and lonely world, what does one do when even fame is the only way that he or she is going to be loved by even those only in-- not of-- the world (who are those just in-- not of-- the world)? Can the medication touch wanting to be celebrated as drug-addled Whitney Houston (who was loved only because she was famous) or Krystal Keith (who's loved only because she's Toby's daughter and trying to be famous as well)?

Recovering From a Cold & Depressiveness As I Make New Videos

I actually feel like going off in a corner and dying-- I just feel that hopeless and perhaps that sick from a cold. I probably caught a cold from my mom or someone at UMBC, but I know that I caught a cold either way. I also was depressed a lot during Valentine's Week, and I strained my throat at one point from holding my crying back because my roommate was around-- I didn't want to cry in front of her. Also, as my last two videos attest, my view on my Diasporan country (the United States) has changed significantly; and that changing my views is easy is just not the case-- last week, I still cried when I watched the "Star Spangled Banner" played on YouTube. But my changing views on America have been a long time coming, and I want either to make aliyah or be Raptured (at least preferably, and preferably be Raptured).

Also, I-- like my Ashkenazic Jewish dad-- struggle with my weight (We Jews are foodies; I'm not going to lie.), and I-- also like my estranged dad-- struggle with OCD/Anxiety, Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (and he has the more-severe form of Chron's, while his dad has in-remission Colon Cancer-- so I carry the BRCA1 gene), and ADD (for which I'm not on medication).

Meanwhile, I should be happy for Elizabeth Smart, but the news of her marriage reminds me of my own struggles (of which I highlighted examples)-- and the situation seems as if G-d's rubbing my struggles in my face. As I said in the video, take my Cerebral Palsy alone: what am I going to do when I'm beyond college? Have my mom help me with everything like showers?

Combine my Cerebral Palsy with everything else that I've gone through, and you'll get why I opined that  the situation with Elizabeth Smart seems as if G-d's rubbing my struggles in my face. Remember that Elizabeth Smart doesn't have a disability like mine (though, to be fair, she does have PTSD)-- she wasn't born with a disability. She also doesn't have (as far as I know) a disability like Cerebral Palsy combined with OCD/Anxiety, Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and/or ADD, or either one of the other disabilities that I have outside of the Cerebral Palsy.

Not Having a Webcam, I've Really Lost Some Fire...

Not to mention that a sense if loneliness, "Aunt Flo's" visit, my actual aunt (Aunt Mary)'s troubles and other factors have kept me from drawing political cartoons of late (Oh; school is another factor. By the way, some Antimissionaries and others reading this will be eager to tell me that Aunt Mary's following of Jesus-- or Yeshua-- is what's causing her the problems that she's having. In fact, however, following Yeshua is what's actually precisely keeping her sane. So, nice try; but Aunt Mary's way more of a complete Jew than half of you Antimissionaries will ever be.).

I still have been following the news (Really, Michigan? Really, Freiss? Rick Santorum and Bayer between the legs? I'd take Bayer for a headache, but...), and I'll draw political cartoons in the morning if G-d wills. But as I said, the fire (so to speak) has just not been there lately. As I said, loneliness, personal issues, and other issues can really get one down and just feeling like sleeping all day or even committing suicide.

Let Me Tell You About My Crappy Valentine's Day

My webcam worked when my friend came to check it after all, and then it stopped working again as soon as he left-- doesn't it figure? I also had a little feminine emergency (Try adding that my sister had to come help me, and while my roommate was there.). Before all that, I had foot pain from my shoe and brace, thus having to walk in the rain for a while. By the way, I've still had nobody in my life since May 2005 ; and who I did have from August 2004 to May 2005 (who I had to break up with four times before we broke up) was a man who turned out to be a complete psycho.