A Weekly Visit To Camille's Maternal Sister Shelby, And...

"Momma" finally told Reilly whom she thinks—or at least hopes—that her "Daddy" might eventually be, God willing, and Reilly wanted to hear who he might be and seemed to approve*—she licked "Momma" twice and touched her hand with her nose once, and after her ears moved when "Momma" asked if she wanted to hear—and this was while "Momma" was stretching and giving Reilly belly rubs.

Before that, "Momma" on a walk and visited Camille's maternal sister Shelby, a daughter of Tootsie and a Maltese named "Booby". Shelby will be 11 months old shortly before Camille turns 1.5 years old and Reilly turns 2.5 years old, and she has already grown so much within her first year and developed a bond with Camille and her twice-removed cousin Reilly.

Shelby when I first met her

Shelby today...

*If any guy who can and wants to know whether he is the person in question, he may feel free to contact Reilly's "Momma" on Facebook, via e-mail, etc.—if he emails, he should put something like "Re About Whom Reilly's Daddy" might be in the subject line. 

Good Reilly, Bad Reilly (Or Good Reilly Even When She's Behaving Badly)—And Life-Saving Reilly

Last week and on Sunday, "Momma" was feeling like no longer being around. When "Momma" asked God why she should keep being around—since being disabled and having mental illnesses, and thus still single and unemployed, makes her feel worthless—Reilly literally saved her "Momma"'s life. Particularly on Sunday, Reilly must've heeded God when she licked "Momma"'s hand about five times—since "Momma" asked that Reilly's licking her hand would be a sign that she should still be around.

However, Reilly isn't always that good—for example, she again burst out the back door to eat mulch. This time, she burst while "Momma" was carefully carrying a salad bowl out onto the back-porch table. Of course, "Mom-Mom" blamed "Momma" and even had to use one of the spray bottles to try to get Reilly out of the mulch—never mind that Reilly was told to stay multiple times and engaged in behavior that could've easily caused "Momma" to fall, stab herself with a Cutco knife, or have the bowl shatter and put Reilly and Camille in danger of eating salad with dressing that had garlic and onions.

Perhaps, meanwhile, an irony that God used Reilly to save "Momma" two days before she could've caused "Momma" to endanger lives exists. 

Must Love Reilly (And "Momma")—And Why Does "Momma" Blog About Reilly Needing A "Daddy" So Much?

"Momma" has already made quite a few of the reasons clear. For example:

1. Given some of what "Momma" has to endure—such as Cerebral Palsy and Depression—
2. Given that "Momma" already has trouble being a good "Momma" to Reilly, going through life alone and lonely—especially this day and age, in which events such as a detrimental Trump or Clinton Presidency could happen—would make being a good "Momma" to Reilly harder. 
3. Even Reilly wants a "Daddy" to help "Momma" raise her.
4. "Momma" can't be a burden on "Mom-Mom" and "Auntie Michelle" forever, can she? Besides, what if—God forbid—something did happen to "Mom-Mom" and/or "Auntie Michelle"—where could or would Reilly and "Momma"—not to mention Camille—go?

Meanwhile, "Momma" is looking out for and waiting for whomever Reilly's "Daddy" is or might be—she already actually has a few possibilities in mind (two in particular), although she won't tell who they are unless one of them does become Reilly's potential "Daddy" (aka, "Momma"'s significant other). Incidentally, Camille has a potential human father—and Reilly has a potential human uncle—what Camille will call her human father, whether or not "Mimi" ("Auntie Michelle")'s current boyfriend ends up being Camille's human father and Reilly's human uncle, is yet to be seen.

Reilly And Camille Always Provide Never-Dull Moments

For example, who could call Pooh Bear- and Piglet-faced, chew-toy and blanket chewers on a Saturday night dull?

Who can call Camille dull when she's taken the opportunity to turn a sofa cover into a blanket?

Also, who could call undyingly-devoted-to-her-"Mimi" Cam dull?

Whom could call a puppy whom sits up for a belly rub and turns away just as you're about to get her picture (and, in this case, somewhat resembles her "Great-Great-Grandma" Czarnecki, of blessed memory) dull?

Aw! She turned away just as "Auntie Michelle" was trying to get another picture.

After all, nobody could call a Reilly whom tolerated a perfect picture opportunity and a Camille whom added to the picture-perfect opportunity dull, could he or she?

Besides, nothing is dull about a Reilly and a Camille whom, e.g., insist on running out of the back door to eat mulch whenever they can—and despite that Reilly's "Momma" is not to blame for it, and despite that Reilly and Camille took the opportunity to run out when "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" was in the backyard to check on her plants after she successfully lifted the backyard-blocking chair out of the way and back to its right side up.

Of course, "Mom-Mom" blamed "Momma" for it; and meanwhile, "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" even had a hard time getting the chair back down on its side to reblock off the backyard, notwithstanding that she thought that she could maybe at least get the chair back down. By the way, Reilly and Camille do know that "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" is not as fast or strong as abler human beings for some reason, although they don't understand the reason (Cerebral Palsy with Scoliosis, and draining mental illnesses)—and like younger human children, they take advantage of that. 

Nonetheless, they do help keep "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" in at least somewhat of a state of sanity—at least when they're behaving, or even when they're misbehaving and "Momma"/"Auntie Nicole" laughs when she shouldn't laugh or even has her maternal instincts kick in, although the kicking in of the instincts certainly affects the mental-illness flareups (e.g., OCD/Anxiety) in a vicious cycle (e.g., with "Momma" once obsessively looking for a chocolate that she may have dropped because she saw Reilly going for something on the floor—or at least to the back-door window to bark at something—knowing that she probably didn't drop a chocolate and Reilly probably didn't get a chocolate—since "Momma" ate it over the table and directly from a 16-ounce glass).

Incidentally, a friend did once tell "Momma" that she could be a good Orthodox Jewish mother, and others (as far as she remembers) have said that she could be a good mother—and yet, "Momma" has a hard time being a good Jewish Christian ima to her kalvbat* (i.e., "daughter dog", a contraction of "bat" and "kalvah", which comes out to also be a word for "affectionate" and "lovely". Awww. Reilly is כלבבה—after her "Momma"'s heart and the hearts of anyone else whom'll give her scritches and other attention, and jealously trying to keep Cam and other puppies from getting that same attention).

PS Reilly is waiting patiently as night-owl "Momma" is typing this entry with one finger on each hand and having a Bruxism flareup as well as aches and pains due to CP, OCD/Anxiety, etc..

*For a discussion on that, see why "Momma" needs a "Poppa" for Reilly—with the Cerebral Palsy and mental illnesses , of course, being part of why. After all, not being able to catch mulch-eating Reilly can be detrimental to her in the end, as Reilly's own vet explained as well. Reilly generally does not listen to admonitions such as "Get out of the mulch." or "Drop it!", by the way.

May, God willing, "Momma" find Reilly a "Poppa" and/or God send "Momma" a "Poppa" for Reilly soon—of course, "Momma" wants a "Poppa" whom'll love Reilly's "Momma", though that's another discussion. 

Follow-Up Videos On Ri and Cam

See how strong they are? The latter three videos were recorded on the day after their teeth-cleaning surgery. Incidentally, another part of why Reilly needs a "Poppa" is that a "Poppa" for Reilly could probably help "Momma" keep things nice and clean for Reilly, since "Momma" has a little bit of a hard time doing that partly due to Cerebral Palsy. 

Update On Reilly And Camille After Coming Home From Teeth-Cleaning Surgery

Reilly and Camille were definitely back to their normal selves in many ways—for example, they ran out of the back door like I knew that they would when I opened the back door and told them to stay (which is part of why Reilly needs a "Poppa"—he'd have to be strong enough to catch her quickly). To be fair, at least Mom sees that when Reilly and Camille burst out the back door to go eat mulch and dropped bird food is not my fault—even with recovering from anesthesia and being right in front of Mom (as Ri was, and with Cam in her bed), Camille Compadre actually led Reilly Ringleader to run to the mulch and birdfeeder area!

Both Reilly and Camille were sleepy, though, and did feel unstable, whimper, and not eat as much as they normally would eat. Still, Ri did eat some "num nums" and lick her bowl to indicate that she wanted "num nums" in the first place, want belly rubs and to come spend time with her "Momma", give kisses (including a wet-nosed kiss at first), jump up on a chair to snuggle with "Mom-Mom" (and she's not supposed to jump, run, play rough, or climb stairs yet), and growl when she heard noises. As for Cam, she jumped from the car when she first came home, was more relaxed when she heard Mimi's voice on the phone, waited by the gate for "Auntie Nicole" to come downstairs, and followed "Mom-Mom" inside the house when "Mom-Mom" was going to get dinner.

Incidentally, Reilly did listen better and did not bark, given that she's still a little sedated. Meanwhile, Camille can't wait for "Mimi" to come home from a trip up north. 

Re A Rough Couple Of Months (BTW, Thanks To Those Who've Borne With Me)—And I'll Hopefully Be Able To Help Anyone Whom Can Relate

"A merry heart is a good medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones."

Right now, I feel it—not to mention, too, while I often feel guilty about feeling my own pain and dealing with it as others are feeling and dealing with their pain. By the way—as I've mentioned—I'm a Jewish Christian, and I believe in the Parable of the Talents, etc.—and I'm baffled to realize to while some are suffering worse on the equality scare, all of us are suffering the same on the proportionality scale.

Nonetheless, I often feel guilty for feeling my—at least in comparison—1 while someone else feels his or her 2 or 5. Still, 1/1 = 2/2 = 5/5. Thus, it all comes down to a paradox: while some are going through worse than I'm enduring, I'm going through worse than others are enduring; yet, we're all enduring the same proportion of suffering.

Incidentally, I have to take issue with Amy Grant's "Better Than a Hallelujah": I find more Christian a "broken 'Hallelu Yah'" better than no "Hallelu Yah", even when I feel the way that the songwriters of "Better" do. Job knew that a broken "Hallelu Yah" was far better than anything that's apparently "better than a Hallelu Yah". Of course, one doesn't have to vocalize "Hallelu Yah" to say "Hallelu Yah". Notwithstanding, Christians have to try to say "Hallelu Yah" in all of our actions—didn't Paul remind us of that as he wrote down that we're to give thanks in all things?

Meanwhile, this is part of why many among everyone else laughs at, jeers, derides, and otherwise abhors Christians—there is a real problem when Leonard Cohen, who is not a Christian, gets part of the core of Christianity better than those whom profess to be Christians.

This also reminds me of how many other Non Christians—both Jewish and gentile—get that supposedly-Christian Donald Trump's lack of asking God for forgiveness—aka, lack of praising God for what he supposedly professes what the sacrifice of Christ means to him—shows up in his Non-Christian narcissism, greed, racism, sexism, ableism, and Anti Semitism.

On that note, I wonder how Jewish Christians such as Edith Stein (whom, out of strong conviction, became a Carmelite nun and a namesake of another Jewish Christian, St. Teresa), Eduardo Propper de Callejon, Sir Nicholas Wintour—the first having died in the Sho'ah, and the other two having risked their lives to save others from the Sho'ah—would feel about Donald Trump-supporting Jews and gentiles whom profess to have the same Messiah that they professed. Perhaps they would sum up their feelings with gentile Christian Corrie ten Boom's words: "You cannot love God without loving the Jewish people."

I, thus, have felt the weight especially as those whom also profess the Jewish Jesus of Nazareth and support Donald Trump have persecuted me—and others—for pointing out how a man who is his own idol, has an $100-Million jet and other opulence, and loves only White male gentiles cannot genuinely profess to be a Christian—that is, profess to love a self-sacrificing Jewish man whom (as I and other Christians believe) "was despised, and forsaken of men, a man of pains, and acquainted with disease," of which he healed those such a Syrophonecian-Greek girl continuously-bleeding woman whom touched one of his tzitziyot. By the way, I'm pretty sure that Donald Trump would not let in the Syrophonecian-Greek girl and her mother today, since he'd think them to be a part of Daesh instead of gentile Nasara (Note: some, as I learned while I Googled, have objected to "Nasara" because they think that they're being called "Nasara" in the sense of supporting Daesh—despite that Daesh hates "Nasara", Nazarenes, as much as Donald Trump does. Meanwhile, "Christian" was just as derogatory as "Nasrani"; so, the complainers, with all due respect, need to just embrace "Nasarani" as a way to be "Nasara" against Daesh.).

In sum, then, I've been feeling the pain with which I deal daily (e.g., CP, Depression), fallouts from more-recent pains that I've described (such as the continuing heartbreak of the ongoing baffling estrangement from a dear friend and father figure whom is also a writing mentor—not to mention the long backstory behind it), and the distress regarding the ascent of a modern-day prince of Tyre whom claims to be a Christian as he and supposedly-Christian supporters of his persecute me and others whom point out that he wouldn't let even Jesus into the U.S., let alone love the Syrophonecian-Greek mother whom came with her own "broken 'Halleu Yah'" and a chronically-bleeding and debilitated woman whom would need to come to the U.S. to get treatment if she lived today and God would choose only to show sufficient grace. 

Picking Back Up On Compiling The Manuscript For My Second Book

After almost three months, I've finally resumed compiling the manuscript for my second book (As I explain in the introduction of the book, it "began as writings which were sent to three family friends...it was in the 72-part series of e-mails and texts.")


Needlessly to say, the exit of one of my writing mentors profoundly affected me—and still affects me. In fact, for example, my hands are chilling due to stress as I type—and keeping them warm is impossible—even though should've become warmer once I paused working on the manuscript until, God willing, the afternoon.

More Depression

"A man's soul sustains him, but who can endure a broken spirit?" I am enduring another Depression flareup, loneliness, etc.—I have even suspended working on the manuscript for my next book.

Spiritbrokeness, unlike my sister's stomach flu, is a kind of sickness that doesn't just go away with prayer, fluids, and rest. Spiritbrokeness takes even more than prayer, sufficient hydration, and enough energy to heal—especially when it exacerbates and feeds off of, e.g., Depression in a vicious feed-be fed cycle.

Where I've Been, And Why I've Been So Busy Lately—At Least In Short, Anyway

With my sister having graduated college and gotten Camille (who, by the way, is almost seven months old now), I have hardly had much space to myself of late. Thankfully, though, she finally got a job and will be around a lot less during the day—nonetheless, that does not spare me from, e.g., her random outbursts (and she does not have Tourette's Syndrome—she just likes to vocalize essentially every thought that she can vocalize. In fact, I have no peace right now—as I type, she is pestering me with a lack of peace and quiet; and I, thus, have a lack of focus).

In any case, making commentary-and-analysis—and other—videos has essentially become impossible. Any abstract forcefield of time, space, and other conducive factors that I have to make those videos is virtually gone—penetrated like a bubble that is popped with a needle. 

The same goes regarding my mother, at least because of the fact that her homecoming time and my waking-up time are less distant than they used to be. Hardly being able to sleep at night, I've sometimes slept well into the afternoon—and woken up just hours before she comes home. In the small space between those times is a lot on which a tired-and-frustrated me has to catch up.

Add that these two hardly give me space and time for and to myself, I can't drive, etc.—then you'll see why I can do hardly anything to maintain a conducive forcefield of peace and productivity, and why I'm even unable (read "forbidden") to deal with certain subjects (despite that, e.g., my and others' warnings about certain kinds of individuals and groups on all sides are becoming "I told you so" and "Who hath believed our report?" statements right before many eyes. If you need a hint, I'll remind you about the 20th Anniversary of the Million-Man March on one side, and Netanyahu and revisionism about the Holocaust on another side.).

I've also written and published a book that was written and published because of a God-sent opportunity, and I'm working on another one. Needlessly to say, the book is not yet selling—and I get that the international shipping prices are a part of it—and I'm working on another book in the meantime—and that writing has involved setbacks.

I'm also dealing with flareups of my OCD/Anxiety, Depression, ADD, and IBS—and I have Acute Otitis Media which was just diagnosed yesterday (and while the AOM should, Yehovah willing, go away soon, the OCD/Anxiety et. al. will not). The flareups affected and exacerbated the AOM, too, I bet. Meanwhile, the flareups have been affected by the writing setbacks and other issues—and it's been a vicious cycle. 

Nonetheless, people (at the very least) wonder why I persist in asking for prayer (and at the very most, they ditch me and/or even'd like to have me dead if they could have their way.).

Via http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=8945&picture=ocean-waves-hitting-rocks

As I Wrote For An Update on IMDB, and Per the AP On Twitter

Married to 34-year-old Alexis Roderick at the age of 66 years, he will have been married for the fourth time and a father to a second child. His expectant girlfriend and he were wed by [[Andrew Cuomo at the groomal manor on Independence Day 2015 in Long Island, New York-and the intimately-sized group of loved ones at the now-newlyweds' yearly Independence Day soirée (whom included to-be-older sister Alexa Ray Joel) were unexpectedly guests at the wedding of the soirée's host and his girlfriend of six years.

Humorously enough, the groom was married on the Fourth for the fourth time in a not-initially-forthright way.

Mazel tov to Mr. and Mrs. Billy Joel, and may the fourth time be a charm (at least for the sake of the child, if nothing else).

Quick Update

I've been busy with Reilly (and I'm still never employed!). I should have a new video tomorrow/later in the day (אם ירצה יהוה). By the way, today is September 3, 2014/ח'' בחודש השישי 5774. Incidentally, it is a week from the 13th memorial of September 11th...

לעולם שכחו ; לעולם עוד פעם. זכרו דנה פלקנברג והאחר קדושים מעונים, ז''ל והי''ד.








Also, I have a few prayer requests:

1. For Reilly. She is scheduled to get fixed on September 6th. I'm scared because I think about Darby Conley's late dog Patch, who almost died while she was under anesthesia. I also think about when I had surgery and had to have oxygen for a while after I came out of the anesthetic state that I was put in. By the way, I also think about the caffeine withdrawal. So, I'm concerned and asking for prayer about any complications that Reilly might (חס ושלום) have (לרפואה שלמה לריילי).
2. For my cousin Brodie (I do not have a Hebrew name for him. I am unsure as to whether Christina Kiefer Deboy was Jewish, and I am also unsure about her husband was Jewish (The Brauns and others may have been. They would either have been Anusim or Jewish Christians if they were Jewish. Brodie's mother is a DeBoy through her paternal grandma.). I know that his dad's Hebrew name would be Avigdor; so, ben Avigdor would work for his Hebrew name for anyone who wants to use his Hebrew name.
3. For my late cousin Joe Shaw's family, who just lost Joe's widow. I do not have a Hebrew name for her or any idea if she was Jewish. By the way, Joe's mom was a DeBoy. 
4. For a job or career for me. 
5. For my sister (Michelle)'s final year of college.
6. For more family/genealogy answers and for me to be able to make עליה.
7. For Nechama bas Mordechai v'Perl and Yisra'el ben Sh'mu'el v'Chana.
8. For the rest of us in the Diaspora, including my family in Ferguson, Missouri and in Ukraine, Russia, and vicinity. 
9. For my granduncle Tony's family (His יום השלושים was on August 28, 2014 or ב'' באלול [He died on ג'' באב 5774].)

There are other prayer requests as well. 

Update On Reilly

All groomed
- Nicole Czarnecki

Update and Commentary On a Life Lived—Beyond the Surface, To Say the Least

That Whole Numbers Game (Hey; Today Is the Seventh Day, By the Way!)...

: My number is 7, so here's 7 facts about me:

1. I am related to Kirk Douglas somehow (He was a Danilovich. I got asked once if I am related to Kirk Douglas. I said that I'm not. I was wrong, and he even looks like Pop-Pop—he has the "Czarnecki [really, Danilowicz] chin".). I don't know exactly how we're related. I'm not exactly proud of that, by the way—being related to the man who raped Natalie Wood does not do me or my family good, for example.
2. I am part of at least three unique Ashkenazi families: The Foczkos, the Trudnyaks, and the Andrulewiczes (and I'm related to Teddy Andrulewicz and crossdresser Michael Androlewicz—no; I'm not kidding! By the way, when I Googled to double check, I found a Michael Androlewicz of whom to be proud). I say "unique" because our surnames are unique. We made them up and/or were required to take them around the times that we were required to have surnames.
3. I've pissed off a lot of people—some for good reasons, some for bad reasons. I can't say that (even when I'm hurt) I'm not proud (or at least ultimately proud) of pissing off people for good reasons.
4. I do have Sephardic heritage (Dad has Iberian Peninsula atDNA. How else can he explain that? Also, there was a lot of Sephardi minhag practiced in my Ashkenazi family.).
5. I am of kohenet and Levi descent—I still don't know about the Lazars. I do know that "Duday" or "Dudaj" means "horn"; so I don't question that Rosalia Dudayova Nagyova was a kohenet.
6. I am not keen on assimilation. I was Googling an "Israel Androlewicz" after I saw his name in a Google search, and this is one of the results with which I came up: "A Winnebago with a little car in tow." Nice, Hank (Not!). Forgive my language, and the self-hating smart*** is reading a "progressive" website (Look for your name on Masada2000's SHIT List, Hank.). This is one example of why—even if I have to wait to do so for the rest of my life or until Yeshua returns—I am marrying a fellow Messianic Jew and making aliyah as soon as possible.
7. I am still struggling with TrP pain in my lower back—it flares up from time to time.

By the way, you don't have play the numbers game if you don't want to do so; but ask me if you want a number (and mine if you're a Messianic Jew—especially a Levi or a kohen—but not if you're one of those meshuga "Hebrew roots", "Torah keepers", "Sacred Name", or "KJV only" types). 

Status Update For November 11, 2013 at 2:51:24 AM

I still found no baptism record for Ilona Lazarova Hanzokova; but I did find some for (I think) some cousins of hers. It looks like she became an Anusit later on—and after some family had already become Anusim (just like with the Foczkos—we didn't join Anusi relatives until 50 years or more after they had become Anusim. The Foczkos had gone to Gelnica and Kosjov first. Then we came into Zlata Idka. As far as the Lazars, we were either already in Zlata Idka or came there from another city in Moldava nad Bodvou—since Ilona doesn't have a baptism record, I can't tell you. Apparently, all of them but for Ilona and her family became Anusim in the 1760s-1810s. There were some open Jews in Zlata Idka, and there are even Jewish graves there; but I can't tell you whether they're Lazar graves or not.).

As much as anyone wants to try to dispute (and as much as the Devil wants to whisper doubts) that we're bnei-Anusim, we're bnei-Anusim (and some of us are still Anusim, clearly. Feel free to do the searches yourself, by the way, in case you're doubting me:

1) Lazars in Moldava nad Bodvou

2) Foczkos in Continental Europe

3) Fockos in Continental Europe

You can uncheck "Match exactly" in case you want to look for mispelled, misindexed, etc. records, too.

As usual, keep praying for me and...

.ל'לילה ושבוע טוב ומבורך תכתבו

Also, please vote and share in the poll for my Poli 301 project if you can—I need 25 votes to begin examining and analyzing data, and 3,000 votes for an acceptable research sample. By the way, 25*120 = 3,000; so if the minimum number of voters vote and share the poll (whether directly sharing or indirectly sharing) the poll with 120 people (e.g., "indirectly sharing" being that a friend of a mutual friend shared the poll with his friends; "directly sharing" being that you posted the poll to your Facebook wall, RTed it, or shared it on Sodahead), I could get 3,000 votes. Thanks.

My "PS" Status For October 28, 2013 (Cheshvan 22, 5773) at 1:37:57 AM EDT

I definitely went insane in describing how badly I need G-d to send me someone, my experience as a disabled Levite, &c.. I deservedly got a status unshared for that one, and I apologize for that. Meanwhile, to be fair, though, it does show you how serious the implications are considering that the disabled among my ancestors could not serve in the Temple (cf. Leviticus 21:17-24; and remember that Rosalia Dudayova Nagyova was a kohenet, and Johanna Hanzokova Foczkova was one if Helena Lazarova Hanzokova was one and perhaps a descendant of Ele'azar ben Aharon).

Also, consider how Avraham and Ya'akov—men who looked to the coming of the Messiah (quite technically, among the first Christians)—cheated on their non-disabled wives (Sarah and Leah, respectively. Avraham cheated on Sarah with Hagar, for example; and look who took three wives besides Le'ah instead of having the grace to annul his marriage to or divorce Le'ah when he realized that they were both tricked into taking each other instead of him being given Rachel. And none of those women were disabled—yet Abraham and Jacob cheated on them; and I'm descended from Leah's son Levi, and the Messiah made Himself to be descended from Levi and his brother Yehudah, but that doesn't make what avi Ya'akov did right.).

Do I feel encouraged, then? Not at all! I even asked another friend, when he said "I believe God will help you find that man that will be with you for the rest of your life.", "what if "the rest of [my] life" entail until he cheats on me for a younger, more-able woman and I commit suicide?"

In other words, I apologize for going insane and still hold that desperately needing prayer for G-d to send me someone isn't just smack talk with which I'm playing around—it has a lot of implications from me as a disabled Levite who's descended from at least one kohenet and can't guarantee that a Christian (including any given Messianic Jewish) man wouldn't cheat on her for even a younger, more-able woman, either.

My Facebook and Twitter Update For October 11, 2013 (Cheshvan 6, 5773) at 10:09 PM EDT

I'm just going to bed. It's obviously just not been a good day or a good week for me. As I said before, pray that I can put G-d (G-d willing) to the bachan (בחן; not the nasah [נסה]) and that G-d sends me the love of my life or someone better. I'm probably (as usual and again) the only one praying that I can put G-d to the בחן, and there I go again having to do all of the work; and I resent that I'm the one doing all the work again—G-d won't hear my prayers when few or no others are praying with and/or for me.

And some can think that I'm faking it or s***ing around, but they have no idea until they live with that which I've lived. Let me give you an idea in case you haven't been paying attention or even cared to do so:

1. Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy
2. Obsessive Compulsive/Generalized Anxiety Disorder
3. Major Depressive Disorder
4. Attention Deficit Disorder
5. Irritable Bowel Syndrome
6. Being a divorce statistic without ever even having been married. Ready? My dad and both of his living siblings have all divorced and/or remarried; my mom and all but two of her living siblings have divorced and/or remarried; my Czarnecki great-grandparents had an extremely-miserable marriage; and my Green great-great-great-grandmother divorced—plus my Cassilly-Farrell great-great-great-grandparents separated at least twice. I've also been in two failed relationships—one from August 2004-May 2005, and one from February 2013-March 2013. Statistically, I am set to get divorced—and counting that men have left wives over Breast Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, and other issues, you may gladly add in my CP, OCD/GAD, MDD, ADD, and/or IBS as all reasons why a guy wouldn't even want to date me. By the way, you may add in the CP alone. Who wants to deal with, e.g., the girl with the "casts on [her] legs", the "gimp", etc. if he certainly won't stay with a woman with breast cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, or anything else—even the common human condition known as getting old?
7. My sordid family history—please consider alone that my paternal grandmother's mother and her dad both betrayed relatives during the Holocaust. And what is my family under? A third-generation curse (counting from Great-Grandma Gaydos) or a fourth-generation curse (counting from Great-Great-Granddad Rusnak). "‘The Lord is longsuffering and abundant in mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression; but He by no means clears the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation.’" Not only Numbers 14:18 states this; and you may add in, e.g., Genesis 12:1-3 as well. Also please consider that I'm a bat-Anusim.
8. I am still in college and I am 23 years old.

I can add more, but I will sum up my life up for you with what eight points I've given:

I am the dirty little secret or (so to speak) elephant in the room about whom most people—even most people in my life over the course of my life—have been or are socially polite (and/or with whom they've dealt because they've felt that they've had to do so for whatever reason), who most people have hated or hate, and.or who many of most of the socially-polite and hating people wish to see dead. After all, I am the "gimp" with the "casts on [her] legs" who has more than the CP with which to deal—for example, four other conditions than the CP and being a never-married divorce statistic with two failed relationships at the age of 23.

As I have said, people don't think that I notice this s*** or want me notice what they really think of me—I am well aware of what I am and I know what people really think of me. I have also said that while things will get better if G-d is willing that they do so, He doesn't guarantee anything—He just promises what's in His will. I have furthermore said that G-d can beat what odds He's created, but He often doesn't—just, for instance, look at that I've already had two failed relationships at the age of 23 and as a descendant (not just a child, but a mulit-generational, multi-familial descendant) of divorce. Also, again, count that  CP, OCD/GAD, MDD, ADD, and/or IBS as all reasons why a guy wouldn't even want to date me,.since men have left wives over Breast Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, and other issues.

As I have even furthermore said, I am certainly not the stupidest person or (so to speak) dullest bulb in the bunch, dullest knife in the shed, etc.. That's part of why I at least need some people to pay attention and, as I asked that more people do, pray that I can put G-d (G-d willing) to the bachan (בחן; not the nasah [נסה]) and that G-d sends me the love of my life or someone better.

But I'm not going to get a guy, let alone a good guy, right? There's the paradox: because of my CP alone—let alone my other conditions and sordid family history—I need a guy for practical purposes! Don't you get it?! That's why I need you to pray, pray, pray, and pray if you will do at least something for me—praying for me is a heck of a lot better than being socially polite about me or just dealing with (i.e., tolerating, putting up with) me, hating me, and/or wishing me dead (As I said, I notice what you really think of me; and to be more honest with you, some of you are affecting me to be driven to outright calling you morons—although I suppose that that's giving you too much credit! I should be calling the morons among you "fools"!).

By the way, I'm not Jesus (and I know that I'm not Jesus; much less Jeremiah, Job, Amos, Habakkuk, or any other person who has gone through worse pain than me); but my pain is not taken away or mitigated (at least in proportion, since G-d gives pain to each person his or her proportionality to how much he or she was created to handle if he or she could)—and what did Jesus say? "‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’" and, conversely, "‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ "

In conclusion, perhaps you will consider your own sakes if (and, for the fools, since) you won't consider what I need; so I'm giving you a chance to do that by quoting Jesus and reminding you that I am—believe me or not, and if I am nothing else to you or anyone else—one of the least of these. Save your own tuchuses and do something worthwhile for me—even if just for you in the end—for once instead of being socially polite toward/dealing with/tolerating me, hating me, and/or wishing me dead.

Also, as usual, ל'לילה ושבת טוב תכתבו. (although I know that have of you wish even the opposite for me). 

From Updates To Remembering Victims of the Shoah in Russia