Depression, Dying In the Diaspora, and Likely Being An Alteh Moid (And Other Matters)

First with the schtick about dying in the Diaspora: well, an ex friend just died at 4:00 AM today. As I told my sister, "I keep telling you about dying in the Diaspora; you won't believe me" or something like that. To watch Yirimiyahu 8:1-7 continuously come true disturbs me. The ex friend was only in his 20s and had cancer, by the way.

Also, what about the four men murdered in Friday's terror attacks as well as Georges Wolinski murdered on Wednesday? Surely, some have to be looking at this and saying, "It is true: 'And death shall be chosen rather than life by all the residue that remain of this evil family, that remain in all the places whither I have driven them, saith יהוה צבאות.' Indeed, 'the stork in the heaven knoweth her appointed times; and the turtle and the swallow and the crane observe the time of their coming; but My people know not the ordinance of יהוה.'

"'And thou shalt become an astonishment, a proverb, and a byword, among all the peoples whither יהוה shall lead thee away.'" That's not supposed to exacerbate the MDD with which I suffer?!

Also, I can't get out of the Diaspora myself. Why? Besides what I wrote yesterday (See "To watch...true" above.), that I'm not married is a factor (and a painful one!)! Did that get into a debate as well, by the way!

Given the following, I may pretty much be doomed either way:

1. Each but for two of my maternal grandparents' post-natal children (including my late aunt Mary Carole) have been divorced and remarried at least once.
2. All of my paternal grandparents' post natal children have each been divorced once.
3. My parents are divorced (no duh!).
4. I have C.P., OCD/ADD, MDD, ADD, and IBS.
5. I'm 24 years old and going on to be 25 years old.

There are other factors as well. Being an undesirable, a divorce statistic, and still single at 24 years old, I'm likely to die an alteh moid. Comforting? No! Exacerbating my MDD? Yes! Having nobody to at least get me out of the Diaspora? Even more exacerbating my MDD!

PS As I was trying to write this whole blog entry, I had to stop for multiple long periods because I couldn't get a moment of quiet. Also, I was pretty much, e.g., shot down on explaining why Francois Hollande called Netanyahu's bluff. To live in a house in which I can't share much without being interrupted, shot down, etc. is all the rougher.

This Is My Night, Or...

At least it's an example of one of my nights--at least one of my Shabbatot (viz., tonight).

1. Observing Shabbat (if I'm lucky or blessed)
2. Watching "Fridays With Geraldo" on "The O'Reilly Factor" (and any other part of "The O'Reilly Factor" if I feel like it)
3. Eating dinner
4. Getting a shower
5. Playing on the computer (e.g., watching YouTube clips, being on Twitter, talking with friends on Facebook)
6. Getting to bed late again, knowing damned well that I should be in bed because I have a counseling appointment in the morning.

This is partly why (and as much as I love talking to my friends on Facebook, this is party why) I need a big break or miracle in life--mundane, monotonous, lonely nights won't always cut it.

Blaming the Guns; Now the Jews? G-d-Damned Anti Semites...

Keep these kinds of thoughts, evil or not, to yourself. As far as is known, James Holmes is a gentile, anyway.  Besides, nobody--Jewish or gentile--is righteous. Morrisville, you are caught and exposed for your Anti Semitism!

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Morrisville, Pennsylvania arrived from google.com on "The Nicole Factor: Was James Holmes Just Plain Evil Or Evil and Lonely?" by searching for is james holmes jewish.

Was James Holmes Just Plain Evil Or Evil and Lonely?

"How Do You Get That Lonely?" might apply to James Holmes. Maybe he had a death wish or was otherwise a loner. Loneliness never excuses evil, by the way, but loneliness must still be considered. "A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; [h]e rages against all wise judgment." (Proverbs 18:1)



I blame only James Holmes, but his family and friends maybe should've seen the writing on the wall.

In Response To C. Polk's Most-Recent Comment

"You set up a series of false dichotomies, love.

"'Also, we all live in a dark and lonely world, unless we're in complete denial about how the world is'

"My world is neither dark nor lonely. The world is what we make of it; your world is dark and lonely by choice."


Haver, amigo, I think that you missed the point completely. Also, I think that you're in denial about how the world is or even subconciously too much trying to be of the world, which is a dark and lonely place.

"This is the reality being denied: Are you doing anything to change the darkness and loneliness, or are you waiting for someone else to change it for you? Who is responsible for making such a change on your behalf?

"'Speaking of a dark and lonely world, what does one do when even fame is the only way that he or she is going to be loved'

"Is fame what you think it is? How many celebrities have to see psychiatrists? Do they really seem happy to you?"

That I have much choice in the matter isn't really the case. Having Diplegic Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety/Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, possible Aspberger's, and unmedicated ADD doesn't give much of a choice; not to mention much of my mishpacha. Also, these celebrities aren't too unhappy being famous or they'd quit willing to be-- and quit being-- famous.

"Demi Moore had a breakdown and had to be institutionalized. Where was her fame and wealth to keep her happy?

"When Whitney Houston was laying in the hot tub sinking down in a medicated stupor, or all the mornings she poured milk over her crack cocaine and ate it for breakfast, where was the love?

"This is the reality being denied: The Devil makes worldly offers every bit as good as God. It is up to us to determine a blessing from God and a trick of Satan. Do you know how to tell one from another? Love. Togetherness."


Kings David and Solomon were famous. So were the prophets (even if infamous in their lifetime). Fame isn't necessarily evil. Also, Whitney Houston and Demi Moore had all the support in the world-- at least Whitney at the end of her life (She even had flags at hald mast for her.), and Demi Moore at her low points.

"If you want fame, then you must become a whore to the media and give people what they want to hear, be a spokesman for diviseveness and make people feel superior about themselves for embracing your side of an issue. If you want love, you must find ways to bring people together in such a way that they recognize each other as equals. When it comes to fame and love, having one doe not mean you have the other. Lots of people are famous without being loved."


Plenty of famous people aren't media whores.

"Either way, if you seek unobtainable goals and then judge yourself by your inability to reach those goals, you are living in denial of the beauty that is within reach."


As I said, not much is reach for me because of the OCD/Anxiety, etc.

When There Are Issues Outside of Medication's Reach...

What am I going to do; pop in an Abilify or Sertraline (Zoloft) pill? What if I've already taken my medication, anyway; or what if 24 hours (or at least another interval of enough time) has passed before I retake my medication? There are issues that the medication can't touch. For example, the medication can't touch every OCD/Anxiety and Depression moment-- think about how many pills and dosages I'd have to take if medication could touch every moment! Also, the medication can't touch that I am lonely because of the OCD/Anxiety and Depression, Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, ADD (for which I don't even need medication), possible Aspberger's (which my sister swears that I have), and meshuga mishpacha on both sides of my family.

Also, we all live in a dark and lonely world, unless we're in complete denial about how the world is (which many of us even just in the world are) or if we've had all the short-term privileges compared to many in the world (which many even in just the world have also had, even though they are also have the long-term privileges-- so they, so to speak, get their cake and eat it, too.). Speaking of a dark and lonely world, what does one do when even fame is the only way that he or she is going to be loved by even those only in-- not of-- the world (who are those just in-- not of-- the world)? Can the medication touch wanting to be celebrated as drug-addled Whitney Houston (who was loved only because she was famous) or Krystal Keith (who's loved only because she's Toby's daughter and trying to be famous as well)?

Recovering From a Cold & Depressiveness As I Make New Videos

I actually feel like going off in a corner and dying-- I just feel that hopeless and perhaps that sick from a cold. I probably caught a cold from my mom or someone at UMBC, but I know that I caught a cold either way. I also was depressed a lot during Valentine's Week, and I strained my throat at one point from holding my crying back because my roommate was around-- I didn't want to cry in front of her. Also, as my last two videos attest, my view on my Diasporan country (the United States) has changed significantly; and that changing my views is easy is just not the case-- last week, I still cried when I watched the "Star Spangled Banner" played on YouTube. But my changing views on America have been a long time coming, and I want either to make aliyah or be Raptured (at least preferably, and preferably be Raptured).

Also, I-- like my Ashkenazic Jewish dad-- struggle with my weight (We Jews are foodies; I'm not going to lie.), and I-- also like my estranged dad-- struggle with OCD/Anxiety, Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (and he has the more-severe form of Chron's, while his dad has in-remission Colon Cancer-- so I carry the BRCA1 gene), and ADD (for which I'm not on medication).

Meanwhile, I should be happy for Elizabeth Smart, but the news of her marriage reminds me of my own struggles (of which I highlighted examples)-- and the situation seems as if G-d's rubbing my struggles in my face. As I said in the video, take my Cerebral Palsy alone: what am I going to do when I'm beyond college? Have my mom help me with everything like showers?

Combine my Cerebral Palsy with everything else that I've gone through, and you'll get why I opined that  the situation with Elizabeth Smart seems as if G-d's rubbing my struggles in my face. Remember that Elizabeth Smart doesn't have a disability like mine (though, to be fair, she does have PTSD)-- she wasn't born with a disability. She also doesn't have (as far as I know) a disability like Cerebral Palsy combined with OCD/Anxiety, Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and/or ADD, or either one of the other disabilities that I have outside of the Cerebral Palsy.

Not Having a Webcam, I've Really Lost Some Fire...

Not to mention that a sense if loneliness, "Aunt Flo's" visit, my actual aunt (Aunt Mary)'s troubles and other factors have kept me from drawing political cartoons of late (Oh; school is another factor. By the way, some Antimissionaries and others reading this will be eager to tell me that Aunt Mary's following of Jesus-- or Yeshua-- is what's causing her the problems that she's having. In fact, however, following Yeshua is what's actually precisely keeping her sane. So, nice try; but Aunt Mary's way more of a complete Jew than half of you Antimissionaries will ever be.).

I still have been following the news (Really, Michigan? Really, Freiss? Rick Santorum and Bayer between the legs? I'd take Bayer for a headache, but...), and I'll draw political cartoons in the morning if G-d wills. But as I said, the fire (so to speak) has just not been there lately. As I said, loneliness, personal issues, and other issues can really get one down and just feeling like sleeping all day or even committing suicide.

Let Me Tell You About My Crappy Valentine's Day

My webcam worked when my friend came to check it after all, and then it stopped working again as soon as he left-- doesn't it figure? I also had a little feminine emergency (Try adding that my sister had to come help me, and while my roommate was there.). Before all that, I had foot pain from my shoe and brace, thus having to walk in the rain for a while. By the way, I've still had nobody in my life since May 2005 ; and who I did have from August 2004 to May 2005 (who I had to break up with four times before we broke up) was a man who turned out to be a complete psycho.

This Fatass Needs To Lose Weight, and...

If you guessed that the fatass is me, you are correct. I told you that I don't sugarcoat about myself. I'm a foodie who's gaining a double chin; and while there's nothing wrong with being a foodie, there is something wrong with emotional eating, thinking about committing suicide again, and even being tempted to go out there and get pregnant just so that I can get all the love and attention that my cousin got at her baby shower (let alone all the love and attention that she gets, anyway. She again, though, comes from  FAIRLY-GOOD HOME AND HAS HAD ALL THE PRIVILEGES IN THE WORLD COMPARED TO ME.).

That someone has had all the privileges in the world compared to me sets them up for more privileges at least in this lifetime, though, is always the case. I even get shattered dreams or otherwise bad with the good. I'm not my cousin or a Krystal Keith who gets to have her cake and eat it, too; though I inadvertently ended up getting followers for Krystal on Twitter when I couldn't even get people to like my own Facebook page (in part, though I shouldn't be talking about them, thanks to bullies like Steve and Cathy Dallwig who indeed despise the poor and won't even reach out to help them; but for when they can reach out only to bully the poor when the poor rebuke them for not reaching out to them.).

What mazel! I get hatzlacha of being the fulfillment of this:

The poor man is hated even by his own neighbor,
But the rich has many friends.


Even many of my own "friends" hate me (And don't you lie. I know that you do and just want to not admit that you hate me.). At least if I lose some weight, though; maybe even become a little underweight as I was at one time again, I'll at least be loved for my skinniness-- and I'll have a reason to be a foodie again.

I Need To Find the Man For Me Before I Go Insane....

To put the situation generously, I have an immature sister and a mom who can't accept her part in everything-- after all, she's the one who would send us to visit an abusive Dad by court order, instead of defying the court order for the moral good. Now that she's dealing with quite a bit of the fallout of at least 10 years (1996-2006; and it's been only five years, a month, and a few weeks since we stopped seeing Dad), she continues to say, "I would've been in contempt of court." You can't accept accountability; can you, Mom?

As for my sister, the only reason that I'm not blogging about her is because she threatened to tell Mom if I did (Real mature!). As I said, I need to find the man for me before I go insane to:

1. Get away from Mom and my sister.
2. Have someone provide for me. 
3. Have independence within the context of how much I can be independent, and independent within the context of a stable marriage and household.
4. Not have to commit suicide.
5. Not have to deal with any part of Mom's part of her own fallout of her lifestyle choices. She, not my sister and I, made the choices that got her to having an abusive husband-turned-ex husband and being a divorced-single mom to my sister and me.

The list goes on. Pray that G-d sends the man for me soon.

Sometimes I Wonder If I'm Good Enough...

As I said yesterday, my mom jokes that I ought to become Catholic. She jokes this partly because I joke and am actually sometimes sure that I'm going to Hell for (as the old confessional goes) "what I have done, and what I have left undone; I have not truly loved [G-d] with my whole heart." I can see in the way that the miracles that I wanted for Christmas came out. The ones that I even partially got are highlighted in yellow. The final score? A whopping "You're not good enough" 30%.

And no matter how I try, I still can't get over some certain vicious people at a certain church, one of whom did not do his or her job and does not meet the qualifications of his or her office-- and G-d hasn't had that the page be restored yet, even though those people unfairly and unjustly reported it.

1. To find the one for me-- self explanatory
2. To have dreams and visions that I need-- even the loner is content with dreams and visions; and if he or she uses them right, won't be lonely in the end. Yosef ben-Ya'akov wasn't.
3. To have the Rapture come-- self explanatory if you think about it
4. The fourth would be for more interaction and popularity at least on  Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter-- self explanatory  (I got the tiniest bit, but not much at all; and I even got some unfollows on Twitter.).
5. To find more relatives and family information-- you can't be lonely knowing that you're part of a family and having at least some relatives who care and, for once, believe you about at least certain things.
6. To have a pet-- self explanatory
7. To have some political cartoons published-- you can't be too lonely with some fame.
8.  To get my novels finished and published--  you can't be too lonely with some fame.
9. To firmly confirm the establishment of my Jewish lineage and find more family info, and have the unsaved in my dad's and mom's families saved while the saved ones grow in faith--  you can't be lonely knowing that you're part of a mishpacha and having at least some relatives who care and, for once, believe you about at least certain things; especially if your relatives are going to Heaven with you. (The confirmation isn't firm, though; and my cousin Marek hasn't recontacted me since Christmas.).
10.  To get through college successfully and to make aliyah if I can-- you can't be too lonely with some potential and success, and being where 'amikha are.

If I Wasn't 12 When I Was Told That Santa Claus Wasn't Real....

I would still be writing to Santa Claus. At 21, I have some desires that I can't get from my mom and that G-d doesn't seem to be giving me. I also read (I think) that St. Nicholas (who died in 345 A.D. (C.E.)) was an Anti Semite. But were St. Nicholas of Myra still alive and not Anti Semitic (though maybe I was confusing him with another Nicholas), I'd write to Santa Claus to give me these ten desires if he could:

1. To find the one for me-- self explanatory
2. To have dreams and visions that I need-- even the loner is content with dreams and visions; and if he or she uses them right, won't be lonely in the end. Yosef ben-Ya'akov wasn't.
3. To have the Rapture come-- self explanatory if you think about it
4. The fourth would be for more interaction and popularity at least on  Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter-- self explanatory
5. To find more relatives and family information-- you can't be lonely knowing that you're part of a family and having at least some relatives who care and, for once, believe you about at least certain things.
6. To have a pet-- self explanatory
7. To have some political cartoons published-- you can't be too lonely with some fame.
8.  To get my novels finished and published--  you can't be too lonely with some fame.
9. To firmly confirm the establishment of my Jewish lineage and find more family info, and have the unsaved in my dad's and mom's families saved while the saved ones grow in faith--  you can't be lonely knowing that you're part of a mishpacha and having at least some relatives who care and, for once, believe you about at least certain things; especially if your relatives are going to Heaven with you.
10.  To get through college successfully and to make aliyah if I can-- you can't be too lonely with some potential and success, and being where 'amikhaare.

I Don't Need To Be A Lonely Jew On Christmas...

I'm already a lonely Jew on Hanukkah, and I celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas. As one of my last videos reflects:

"To be fair and not greedy, taking the mean of eight days and 12 days (for Hanukkah and Christmas; and for the 12 tribes who will be of the 144,000 in the end); I have 10 wishes for Hanukkah and Christmas-- the top three being to find the one for me, to have dreams and visions that I need, and to have the Rapture come. The fourth would be for more interaction and popularity at least on  Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter.The fifth would be find more relatives and family information.The sixth would be a pet. The seventh, eighth, and ninth would be to have some political cartoons published get my novels finished and published, to firmly confirm the establishment of my Jewish lineage and find more family info, and have the unsaved in my dad's and mom's families saved while the saved ones grow in faith. The tenth would be to get through college successfully and to make aliyah if I can."

See how many of the wishes reflect a desire not to be lonely? Actually, all of them do; and let me break it down for you slowly:

1. To find the one for me-- self explanatory
2. To have dreams and visions that I need-- even the loner is content with dreams and visions; and if he or she uses them right, won't be lonely in the end. Yosef ben-Ya'akov wasn't.
3. To have the Rapture come-- self explanatory if you think about it
4. The fourth would be for more interaction and popularity at least on  Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter-- self explanatory
5. To find more relatives and family information-- you can't be lonely knowing that you're part of a family and having at least some relatives who care and, for once, believe you about at least certain things.
6. To have a pet-- self explanatory
7. To have some political cartoons published-- you can't be too lonely with some fame.
8.  To get my novels finished and published--  you can't be too lonely with some fame.
9. To firmly confirm the establishment of my Jewish lineage and find more family info, and have the unsaved in my dad's and mom's families saved while the saved ones grow in faith--  you can't be lonely knowing that you're part of a mishpacha and having at least some relatives who care and, for once, believe you about at least certain things; especially if your relatives are going to Heaven with you.
10.  To get through college successfully and to make aliyah if I can-- you can't be too lonely with some potential and success, and being where 'amikha are.

So Kislev 1, 5771 is Today, And...

Firstly, Nehemia Gordon saw HaChodesh l'Kislev b'Yerushalayim today; so November 26, 2011 marks Kislev 1, 5771. Secondly, I can start marking the Yom b'Ivri on my political cartoons if and once I pick them up again in the morning (I've been busy, depressed, etc. of late; and the last political cartoon that I did was before Thanksgiving.). Thirdly, I still have no new cell phone or enough votes on my Stats project, and I have other things to get and do besides my Stats project.

To the compassionless (including the compassionless disabled people) who tell me to take my lemons and make them into lemonade; you have no idea of what having Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy with OCD/Anxiety/Depression/possible Aspberger's, a house with a divorced-and-working mom and much of a meshuge mispoche on my unsupportive and estranged dad's side, and a whole bunch of other thorns in the flesh and hardships in life to deal with is like.

Even sexual abuse victims get some sympathy and compassion-- even jail and prison inmates hate sexual criminals. Me, I walk well enough for everybody; I talk well enough for everybody, and I seem to deal with enough well enough for everybody; so I walk and talk alone-- or mostly alone, even among friends and family. I'm not piteous or in need of compassion enough for them to help me with what I have on my plate.

Chalilah that they should touch the Jew with Cerebral Palsy, crazy Crypto-Jewish grandparents, and a whole host of other matters and people to deal with. Chalilah for some of them that they should deal with a Messianic Jew.

So I walk alone-- and sometimes or even often worse than rejected by G-d and man alike.