An Epiphany That Occurred To Me Only After My Last Blog Entry...

With All Due Respect To Survivors Of Suicide (Even Myself, You Have To Remember)...

I had to laugh in my head when someone talked about losing her friend to the "dark tunnel of suicide"--she, like others, talks about how suicide is "difficult" for the survivors. Survivors of suicide like her (even if they don't say it) also think about how suicide is selfish, etc..

Well, firstly, the "dark tunnel of suicide" wasn't that dark for him--he committed suicide! Besides, secondly, like he probably thought, I'm thinking more and more that I agree with the sentiments (and I've--when I've Googled "Why shouldn't I commit suicide?", for example--seen and/or picked up the sentiments) that:

1. Suicide may not be that damned selfish after all.
2. The survivors may be being the ones who are selfish--who are they really crying for, after all? (By the way, Wayman Tisdale did not commit suicide, but you get the point.)
3. Since people are complaining about population control, it wouldn't (or at least shouldn't) kill you (pun intended) if we kill ourselves, anyway. After all, you sure don't feel--or at least act like you feel--that losing us would kill you while we're still alive--or at least most of the time, you don't. In fact, you usually act quite the opposite way while we're alive--that is, that you'd even want to see us gone and are just too tactically polite to say that. Even, for instance, while the one person talked about how her loved one "was close to me and all his friends and family" and was a "great friend", the loved one sure didn't feel like he was--or why else would he have committed suicide? Or maybe he felt like he was on his end but not on his loved ones' ends--after all, why didn't he stick around if he truly felt like he was loved by his loved ones.
4. Since you don't care for or even want us around while we're around and alive, that we'd be no longer around or alive would be better for all parties. Besides, you can really put your sentiments behind your "I miss you when you're not around" and "I'll always love you" words when we're really not around.
5. Suicidal people and suicide committers may, in some senses, be ahead of their time. For example, my great-granddad committed suicide on the day that Mario Savio spoke and helped usher in Jacob's Trouble--and he had seen enough of Jacob's Trouble on the horizon in his day. By the way, in case anyone's asking, I did tweet that I gained a whole new respect for Great Granddad for that in a perhaps-perverse since.
6. Since, again, you don't care for or even want us around while we're around and alive, that we'd be no longer around or alive would be better for all parties. After all, if and/or since we're really that much trouble to you while we're alive and around, we'd be putting an end to both our and your miseries if we decided to commit suicide. Also, again, that'd solve your population-control issue.
7. Since we may be well ahead of our time and you don't want us around, quit your (for a lack of a better term and with all due respect) bitching--we're perhaps even escaping to Heaven. Even if we're not, we were predestined for Hell (where you at least surely acted like you wanted us, anyway). Regardless, we'd be cutting our days short--perhaps to your satisfaction, as you made it seem half of the time.
8. The only reason that we don't commit suicide is because we're too damned in dread of what would happen if we did commit suicide or--worsely--if we actually survived a suicide attempt and had dreadful consequences associated with our failed suicide attempts and survivals thereof (or therefrom--whichever; you get the point). 

So, give suicide commiters and those of us who've been suicidal--for good reason--a break. You didn't seem to care for your suicide-victim loved one when he or she was still here--or else he or she would still be here, because he or she would know that he or she had a friend who's even a sibling or even close than one. You don't seem to care for us now--in fact, you're sending us the same messages that you sent your suicide-victim loved.

And that's why I laughed--not because I thought that his suicide was funny, but because I thought that (as he must've thought or would think) she's a damned hypocrite for saying what she should've said and meant while he was alive. Had she truly meant all that she said now that he's been gone for two years, he would've never gone through that suicide attempt--even Jeremiah stayed alive because he had Baruch and Hanamel, and Elijah had 6,999 others .

So, with all due respect to survivors of suicide (including those who've been suicidal like I have), give suicide victims and those who've been suicidal (including yourselves if you've been suicidal) a break! At least if you give us a break, we'll stay around to at least make you selfish brats and hypocrites happy--even if you really don't care for us, and at least to prove that we're not selfish like you--nor would we actually be selfish if we decide to take ourselves out of your lives! 

I Need A Big Break Because....

1. While I'm not the pinnacle embodiment of a rags-to-riches story, I've certainly had struggles in my life. Here's a (so to speak) Molotov Cocktail (or worse of a cocktail) of struggles which I've had:
1. Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy, for which I spent 75 days in the hospital. Born January 23, 1990, I came home on April 7, 1990.
2. OCD/Anxiety--this comes from my dad's Levitical family, the Foskos (Foczkos).
3. Major Depressive Disorder--my dad's paternal granddad committed suicide over this. Relatedly, two Foczko great-great-granduncles and their dad (my great-great-great-granddad) committed suicide.
4. ADD--All I know is that this come from Dad's side.
2. My family history, to say the least, is very sordid. For example:
1. My dad's family in particular was Crypto Jewish from around 1755-after March 12, 2008. I was the on who was chosen to catch them in their fanciful ignorance and deceit.
2. My great-grandma Mary Rusnak Gaydos was a kapo--to not send the money to the Rusznaks who desperately broke the protocol of Evel Rabbati 2I  for the sake of piku'ach nefesh (whether Vilmosz was the one really writing or a Nazi was posing as Vilmosz--though, safe to say, Vilmos had to be the one writing given that Vilmosz survived the Shoah and is still covered up by the family). Because of this, my family is broken and cursed--and I am of the third generation removed from Vilmosz's curser, and of the second removed from his curser's enablers.
3. Because of Points One and Two, my family story is not well known--and besides for what was noted in Point Two, my family is broken.
4. Great-Grandma Czarnecki's blood is left unavenged (As much as I forgive Pop-Pop, I'd still like what he did to catch up with him.).
5. Pfc. Bernard S. Czarnecki (Army, 111th Infantry Division Medical Corp, WW2) is left unrecognized and unavenged.
6. A lot of the verbal and other abuse that I had to endure from 1996 (from when Dad twisted Mom's arm--which is pretty traumatic for a six-year-old child to have to see--and after seeing my dad sleeping on the couch one time at 7:00 on dark morning in 1994) to November 2006 (to when I had endured quite a bit of my own abuse, thank you) is explained by the family history--"Hurt people hurt people"; abuse begets abuse, and (as Granduncle Tony quoted), "Like [dad], like son." (The couch thing--to see parents sleeping separately from each other is also traumatic--if I didn't realize that something was wrong then, I can look back and say that I should've realized that something was wrong then.)
3. I'm no Jeremiah, Elijah, or even faithful son; but I've been a Christian since Easter 1996 or 1997--long before I even suspected that I am Jewish, by the way.
4. I get that "having one's cake and eating it, too" is not a Biblical concept (or usually one), but David, Solomon, and even the disciples (excepting Judas, and counting Mathias) had their cakes and ate them, too (at least in the end).
5. I've never fit anyone's mold--a psychological case with a physical disability, a sordid family history, a broken home, and a situation in which I don't fit in the Christian or the Jewish worlds (and mainly because I'm that interfaith, interethnic[?], broken-home kid with a sordid family history and a medical record to boot. By the way, Mom's--as far as we know--a gentile of Jewish and Latino [Sephardic Jewish?] descent.).
6. I've been a victim of abuse (including what I've mentioned previously and cyberbullying), rejection, and dejection.  
7. I've had two crazy exes, both of whom I've had to call the police on; and I'm only 23. Therefore, my chances of ever getting married--let alone ever staying married--are nill. Besides:
1. My dad and both of his siblings divorced, and my dad and his brother remarried.
2. Out of my mom and her eight born siblings, only two have never divorced or remarried.
3. My Allen great-great-grandparents and my Green-Carroll great-great-grandma all divorced. My "McCoy" great-great-grandparents may have also divorced.
4. There were other divorces in my family.
5. There were terrible marriages in my family, including those of my Czernecki great-great-grandparents and Czarnecki great-grandparents.
6. Take all five previous "Besides" points and Point Seven together, and I'm bound to be a divorce statistic. Also take that I was born disabled and (thus) into the lower level of the American de-facto caste system,  and you get that I'll be perpetually an alte moid  or someone's to-cheat-on "gimp" of a wife (and, yes, I have been called a "gimp").

The list goes on, but my point is that I'm one who needs a break from God. In other words, someone who needs a break from God is me, if there was or has been someone who needed a break from God. Otherwise, my life's going to amount to less than worthless--and I'm just looking at factual and statistical reality.

Besides, someone needs to get my family back together; someone needs to tell the stories of--e.g.--Vilmosz's side of the Rusznak Family, Great-Grandma Czarnecki, and Great-Granduncle Bernie; and someone needs to show that a lower-caste, born-disabled, broken-home, chanceless kid can overcome by God. 

I Let My Enemies Get Me Sick...

Not good. I let my enemies depress me and, as I said, get me sick. My immune system got depressed and I have a friend who had a cold; thus, my immune system wasn't as strong and I caught my friend's cold. That anointing oil really does work is a good thing (I had my mom anoint me with some this afternoon.):

"Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵ And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven."

To my enemies who claim to be Christians (but as a reminder to me and other Christians as well), by the way:

"Therefore lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls." (James 1:21, NKJV)

How I Know That the Psychological Factors, Not The Sociocultural Factors, Are What Make Or Break A Woman...

Not to brag; but-- and my YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and other followers know this-- I am a living testimony to that. I'm not Rosa Parks, who had to overcome the sociocultural factor of WASP Male Supremacism in the 1950s. I'm not my Grandaunt MaryAnn, who (though I dislike much of what she has done over the years) I have to give credit for coming from a poor, working-class, Crypto-Jewish Catholic family in Great-Depression-downtrodden Ashley, Pennsylvania and earning a Ph.D. in Home Economics and teaching at Mansfield State College (now Mansfield University). As for what I dislike, by the way-- and my Internet followers know this--; she, to make a long story short, has unfortunately given in to familial sociocultural factors that are trying to psychologically influence her to be brought down.

I'm not a whole bunch of other great women, either. But I have my own psychological factors and sociocultural influences that I can't let get to me. Incidentally, I can somewhat sympathize with Grandaunt MaryAnn in some ways: after all, she is my grandaunt and shares many familial sociocultural factors with me. Of course, as I implied, I am mixed in sympathizing with Grandaunt MaryAnn; because as I stated, I dislike much of what she has done over the years-- and much of what she's dislikeably done involves giving in to familial sociocultural factors that are trying to psychologically influence her to be brought down.

Anyway, as I hinted, I'm just a normal woman and I have psychological factors and sociological influences that I can't let defeat me. I have Obssessive Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety, Depression which has influenced me to even almost take my life, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (a genetic and familial sociological factor), possible Aspberger's, unmedicated Attention Deficit Disorder, possible Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (because I was all but sexually abused by my dad-- and thank G-d that I was never sexually abused by him. The verbal, mental, some physical, and other abuse was enough. Anyway, continuing the list, I have; among other factors to deal with) divorced parents and Cerebral Palsy (and being a woman with a disability in any culture plays is a sociological factor that influences psychological factors).

I darned well know that if I can overcome (or at least mange) my psychological factors and at least try to not let the sociocultural factors get to me, these women-- even women who live in Third-World and cave-riddled Mohamedian countries-- can get Information Systems, Engineering, Biochemistry, and other Science, Technology, and Math Degrees if they want to-- even if (so to speak) the road is longer and harder for them. Besides, some of these women-- for example, in Tora Bora and Abbottabad-- are using sciences, technologies, and maths to (sadly and unfortunately) be the next suicide bombers or suppliers for Al Qadea, or-- in countries like Thailand-- recruiters for the sex-slave and other human-trafficking trades.

In conclusion, I am thoroughly and well convinced that even in Third-World Countries where women can and do use sciences, technologies, and math for bad; women can use sciences, technologies, and maths for good-- such as earning their Information Systems, Engineering, or Biochemistry degrees--, and even improve their sociological and cultural realms by overcoming the psychological factors that they let stifle them. By overcoming the stifiling psychological factors, they can and will overcome the sociocultural factors that try to bring their psyches down and not let them earn their science, technology, and math degrees.

All they need to do-- if, how, where, and when they can-- is to look to women, past and present, like the late Rosa Parks and like Dr. MaryAnn Gaydos, and even-- perhaps-- to women like me.

I Lied When I Said That "It's [only] the Depression again."...

For example, when dogs and cats (like Moki, Mishka, Laika, Skeen, Winston, Cassy, etc.) are more famous than me, that's not only depressing; that's also (or so the situation seems that) G-d seems to be rubbing in my face that dogs and cats are more famous and loved than me. Then there's that (and I've blogged about all this before; but there's still that) sense of loneliness, injustice, etc.. I know that others are going through worse (which is another way of G-d rubbing my pain in my face-- "You know, there are people going through worse than you.")-- but my pain is not mitigated or taken away from.

I know why I'm lonely-- I'm an OCD/Anxiety-, Depression-, Cerebral Palsy-diagnosed, also ADD and IBS-afflicted, Anusi-born Messianic Jew with divorced parents and (with few exceptions) a Hell of a meshuga family and family history on both sides-- and I've already given you the megillah of my dad's family history (with yet more for me to find out and give, I'm guessing-- and the roadblocks in finding out the family history, including my meshuga family being deliberate roadblocks-- is depressing).

I've also given you a little of my mom's family history with the roadblocks in finding more out about it-- and, for example, try being cursed because your great-great-great-granddad was a Confederate veteran; and I've discussed how inquity visits the third and fourth generations continually, even to the thousandth-- the 250th of fourths of-- generations.

I mean, let's face very clearly that Pop-Pop Farrell's daughters and granddaughters, among others, suffered post-partum depression because "‘The LORD is longsuffering and abundant in mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression; but He by no means clears the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation.’" By the way, if you think that having to know that many in your family suffered terribly under post-partum depression is just another facet of life, you're meshuga-- and you don't understand that one begins to suspect that the post-partum depression was just a manifestation of depression within the family or genepool.

In conclusion, I lied when I said that "It's [only] the Depression again."... es mi pinche vida y mi historia que puede me deprimir.

In Response To C. Polk's Most-Recent Comment

"You set up a series of false dichotomies, love.

"'Also, we all live in a dark and lonely world, unless we're in complete denial about how the world is'

"My world is neither dark nor lonely. The world is what we make of it; your world is dark and lonely by choice."


Haver, amigo, I think that you missed the point completely. Also, I think that you're in denial about how the world is or even subconciously too much trying to be of the world, which is a dark and lonely place.

"This is the reality being denied: Are you doing anything to change the darkness and loneliness, or are you waiting for someone else to change it for you? Who is responsible for making such a change on your behalf?

"'Speaking of a dark and lonely world, what does one do when even fame is the only way that he or she is going to be loved'

"Is fame what you think it is? How many celebrities have to see psychiatrists? Do they really seem happy to you?"

That I have much choice in the matter isn't really the case. Having Diplegic Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety/Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, possible Aspberger's, and unmedicated ADD doesn't give much of a choice; not to mention much of my mishpacha. Also, these celebrities aren't too unhappy being famous or they'd quit willing to be-- and quit being-- famous.

"Demi Moore had a breakdown and had to be institutionalized. Where was her fame and wealth to keep her happy?

"When Whitney Houston was laying in the hot tub sinking down in a medicated stupor, or all the mornings she poured milk over her crack cocaine and ate it for breakfast, where was the love?

"This is the reality being denied: The Devil makes worldly offers every bit as good as God. It is up to us to determine a blessing from God and a trick of Satan. Do you know how to tell one from another? Love. Togetherness."


Kings David and Solomon were famous. So were the prophets (even if infamous in their lifetime). Fame isn't necessarily evil. Also, Whitney Houston and Demi Moore had all the support in the world-- at least Whitney at the end of her life (She even had flags at hald mast for her.), and Demi Moore at her low points.

"If you want fame, then you must become a whore to the media and give people what they want to hear, be a spokesman for diviseveness and make people feel superior about themselves for embracing your side of an issue. If you want love, you must find ways to bring people together in such a way that they recognize each other as equals. When it comes to fame and love, having one doe not mean you have the other. Lots of people are famous without being loved."


Plenty of famous people aren't media whores.

"Either way, if you seek unobtainable goals and then judge yourself by your inability to reach those goals, you are living in denial of the beauty that is within reach."


As I said, not much is reach for me because of the OCD/Anxiety, etc.

When There Are Issues Outside of Medication's Reach...

What am I going to do; pop in an Abilify or Sertraline (Zoloft) pill? What if I've already taken my medication, anyway; or what if 24 hours (or at least another interval of enough time) has passed before I retake my medication? There are issues that the medication can't touch. For example, the medication can't touch every OCD/Anxiety and Depression moment-- think about how many pills and dosages I'd have to take if medication could touch every moment! Also, the medication can't touch that I am lonely because of the OCD/Anxiety and Depression, Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, ADD (for which I don't even need medication), possible Aspberger's (which my sister swears that I have), and meshuga mishpacha on both sides of my family.

Also, we all live in a dark and lonely world, unless we're in complete denial about how the world is (which many of us even just in the world are) or if we've had all the short-term privileges compared to many in the world (which many even in just the world have also had, even though they are also have the long-term privileges-- so they, so to speak, get their cake and eat it, too.). Speaking of a dark and lonely world, what does one do when even fame is the only way that he or she is going to be loved by even those only in-- not of-- the world (who are those just in-- not of-- the world)? Can the medication touch wanting to be celebrated as drug-addled Whitney Houston (who was loved only because she was famous) or Krystal Keith (who's loved only because she's Toby's daughter and trying to be famous as well)?

This Fatass Needs To Lose Weight, and...

If you guessed that the fatass is me, you are correct. I told you that I don't sugarcoat about myself. I'm a foodie who's gaining a double chin; and while there's nothing wrong with being a foodie, there is something wrong with emotional eating, thinking about committing suicide again, and even being tempted to go out there and get pregnant just so that I can get all the love and attention that my cousin got at her baby shower (let alone all the love and attention that she gets, anyway. She again, though, comes from  FAIRLY-GOOD HOME AND HAS HAD ALL THE PRIVILEGES IN THE WORLD COMPARED TO ME.).

That someone has had all the privileges in the world compared to me sets them up for more privileges at least in this lifetime, though, is always the case. I even get shattered dreams or otherwise bad with the good. I'm not my cousin or a Krystal Keith who gets to have her cake and eat it, too; though I inadvertently ended up getting followers for Krystal on Twitter when I couldn't even get people to like my own Facebook page (in part, though I shouldn't be talking about them, thanks to bullies like Steve and Cathy Dallwig who indeed despise the poor and won't even reach out to help them; but for when they can reach out only to bully the poor when the poor rebuke them for not reaching out to them.).

What mazel! I get hatzlacha of being the fulfillment of this:

The poor man is hated even by his own neighbor,
But the rich has many friends.


Even many of my own "friends" hate me (And don't you lie. I know that you do and just want to not admit that you hate me.). At least if I lose some weight, though; maybe even become a little underweight as I was at one time again, I'll at least be loved for my skinniness-- and I'll have a reason to be a foodie again.

I Have To Be Realistic And Prepare Myself For That...

This birthday emotional high is not going to last. The emotional high wasn't fully a high, either. I definitely had OCD/Anxiety flare ups during the night, for example. Also, the people who wished me "Happy Birthday", etc. today-- I have to be realistic, and I either have to hope that they're silent support throughout the rest of the year or accept that many of them are being what they think is on-the-surface polite and even interacting with me (just because they feel obliged to-- in other words, just because they're family, etc.).

I have to also remember that this world is full of other suffering, pain, etc. besides what I will most likely suffer in even the coming day. There are children such as Joshua and Jackson (who are rallied for on Facebook) who are suffering from childhood cancer, pneumonia, and other conditions and diseases. There's the Jewish community back home b'Ha'Eretz under threat every day from Egypt, Iran, even Russia and increasingly-Anti-Semitic Western and Central (along with some number of Eastern) Europe.

I could go on, but you get the point: as my birthday closes out, that there are some hard days ahead for me and others unless the Rapture comes within the next second or minute, or hour or so. 

I Know That People Care, But It's Still A Long Battle...

And anyway, I was finally able to give the "Director" of "Caring" Ministries the rebuke that she deserves:

-----Original Message-----
From: Nickidewbear
To: cdallwig
Sent: Wed, Dec 21, 2011 9:31 am
Subject: Re: Ride to Chapelgate

And you were supposed to call me, but you never did. What happened to your being the Caring Coordinator and reaching out to church members?

...

Nicole, 

I understand that you have been inquiring about getting a ride to Chapelgate?  Please call me to let me know what your need is and we can discuss.....I would appreciate it if you would refrain from posting my name on facebook posts without trying to contact me first.  You have my e-mail and phone number available to you as well as anyone else would......

T hanks. 

Cathy Dallwig

Director of Caring Ministries

Chapelgate Church 

410-442-5800, ext 128

cdallwig@chapelgate.org

*Office Hours, 9-3  Mon - Thurs

=

I don't think that after this, she'll hypocritically leave me off of the "Practical Needs List- CPC", which she did. What a hypocrite she can be! Keep bugging her and tell her with me that I mean that she's supposed to live up to her job title and at least put me on the "Practical Needs List- CPC". Let me give you the example that I mean from this morning:

In a message dated 12/21/2011 12:31:11 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, cdallwig@chapelgate.org writes:

Practical Needs List - CPC CPC Member Announcements at Chapelgate Presbyterian Church Message from: Cathy Dallwig Hi all, Listed below are a couple of needs that I have become aware of in our congregation. Please contact the person with the need directly, if you are able to help. 1.[Censored] is looking for ... 2. [Censored] is recovering from... 3.[Censored] is in immediate need of.... Thank you. Cathy Dallwig Director of Caring Ministries 410-442-5800, ext 128 cdallwig@chapelgate.org

Let me give you a hint: I'm not one of the three people on that list. And pray for all those people, by the way. One did get their needs provided for, by the way. Now also pray that this disabled Jew with a divorced parents and meshuga mishpacha on both sides does, and keep bugging Cathy Dallwig so that she can't kick out this outcast like she'd like to; and you and I both know that she doesn't want to deal with me.

But if I get the need to get a consistent ride to church, I can at least have some of my problems (also including the OCD/Anxiety/Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and ADD) helped to be managed by G-d. And Cathy Dallwig can't say a darn if G-d does provide because saying something against G-d's will would be very stupid.

I'm Not Trying To Get Attention When I Write About Depression and Suicidal Thoughts, and Loneliness In General...

What amazes me is that I think that people think that I am fucking kidding or trying to get attention when I say that I'm tempted to commit suicide. I wasn't kidding when I ended up in Sheppard Pratt in April 2006, was I? I wasn't kidding when I tried to attempt suicide in 1998 (when I was eight years old), was I? And when I called the Suicide Hotline tonight, I hung up twice-- I wasn't going to be able to tell them what's going on, at least without crying and bursting into incoherence while crying. I also couldn't tell them because I'm a Christian and they might not be able to understand some of what I'm going through.


Also, my mom calling my psychiatrist isn't going to help a lot-- he's not a Christian and (as I've told him and others) there are issues that the Sertraline and Abilify can't touch. I even got so desperate as to try Match.com to find the one for me-- one of my Hanukkah and Christmas wishes. Not only was Match.com a violation of 1 Corinthians 7, anyway-- since Christians are to follow the mitzvah that states, "Are you loosed from [without] a [spouse]? Do not seek a [spouse]."; but Match.com just wasn't worth what I need in a man, anyway. Remember, I have Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety/Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, mild ADD, and possible Aspberger's. Also, my family has ilks that are (as I will continue to point out that Mia Danilowicz, part of the ilks actually so kindly proves about herself) "fucking psycho" (Todah, Mia; v'l'Hanukkah Tovah Tikatevi.). I need a man who can provide for and deal with all of and every aspect of me (including my medical and family history.).


PS I'm still waiting for that call from Cathy Dallwig about transporting disabled members to Chapelgate. Please kindly email her for me (as Charles Polk already did; and I know that Charles Polk is one out of few who actually care for me), and bug @ChapelgateNews on Twitter for me. I'm unkindly not leaving their church, no matter how much they don't want a disabled Jew with divorced parents and a crazy dad to not worship G-d among them.

Why I Envy Ebenezer Scrooge In A Way

In a way, I must confess, I envy Ebenezer Scrooge. While he's certainly (as far as I know) not Jewish or the 19th-Century equivalent of a compassionate conservative (at least until the end of "A Christmas Carol"), he at least gets to have visions and dreams. And for what? To bring him to teshuvah? Is that I am reminded of and complain like the non-prodigal son any wonder: "‘Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends.  But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.’"? Only by grace am I considered as though I have never sinned; but why does a fictional character like Scrooge get all the luck of having dreams and visions, while the Jew who I am with thorns in the flesh doesn't?

After all, while I know not to talk back to God, isn't that "if [our] fall is riches for the world, and [our] failure riches for the Gentiles, how much more [our] fullness!" as Jews? And why did Joseph get his dreams? He had a fairly-good dad (though Jacob did marry four wives and was named "Ya'akov" for a reason, since he would supplant and deceive; and put Joseph and Benjamin above the rest of his children)? He didn't have any thorms in the flesh. He had brothers who loved him in the end. He had a wife, children, and the second-highest position in Egypt. Me, I have a dad who I consider and even wished dead (for how else will I get the truth about our family history, pictures, etc. unless Dad and Pop-Pop die and are thus out of the way? Also, how will I and others, and Great-Grandma Czarnecki's blood be avenged?). I have Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety, Depression, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and possible Aspberger's.

And I can't even have one dream or vision-- about my family history, about the future, whatever? And as much as my mom's my mom, my night comes down watching a movie with her while Michelle is at a party with her friends and where she might meet the one for her? And I can't even find the one in my life, and I have to instead watch a movie with my mom when I could be watching a movie with the one for me-- 0if and who ever he might be? So much for compensating for my thorns in the flesh; huh, G-d? And as I said, I know not to talk back;  and "I have not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his descendants begging bread." But then why am I begging for at least a dream or vision, or the man for me, or something if I can't get the Rapture? And I know that I am a descendant of evildoers, but I'm also a descendant of some who were righteous. 

The Sad Part Is That I Feel Guilty For Being Depressive When People Care...

Then only later am I reminded that most don't. As I told a friend, "I tell you, honest to Christ, I really don't think that many people want me around. I guarantee you that when push comes to shove (and vice versa), most'd rather see me gone." Excuse me; but with all due respect, how else am I going to interpret most of what little YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Blogger, and other interaction I get when most of it is negative and critical? By the way, my friend told me, "Night. TTYL." (What a real friend you are, Gordon.).




When most of my online interaction reflects most of my offline interaction, do you expect me to always be happy and acting like everything's okay; like I didn't cry before I made the last blog post and last YouTube video, like I don't want to go off in a corner and just die-- since trying to commit suicide would get me in Sheppard Pratt or not end well otherwise, such as if I survived a suicide attempt and wished that I died as a result?




As I've said, "They sure as Hell didn't care when Dad and his ilk were putting me through all that they put me
through. They sure as Hell didn't care when the now-University of Notre Dame of Maryland put me through all
that they put me through. "They" includes my Laodecian church, by the way. Where the Hell is Cathy Dallwig calling me like she promised she would (and I warned Charles Polk that she probably wouldn't)?"


As I also asked, "And who the f***'s going to tell me that they don't want me to go other than they have to, right?" Gordon already proved that he wouldn't. And wishing me well and just saying "Hey" don't help the issue either. A simple well wish or greeting doesn't always make any situation better:


¹⁴ What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? ¹⁵ If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, ¹⁶ and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? ¹⁷ Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. 




And


¹⁰ For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. 
      But woe to him who is alone when he falls, 
      For he has no one to help him up. 
       ¹¹ Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;     
But how can one be warm alone?
       ¹² Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. 
      And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. 


By the way, food, clothes, and warmth aren't always literal or at least physical.

Not Getting Much Feedback On This Blog or YouTube, Likes On My Page, Etc...

What not getting much feedback, etc. means to me is that I honestly still reflect on committing suicide. I even looked up "1000 Ways to Die", and thought that I may as well stick with the conventional ways of committing suicide if I try to do it. I mean, who's really going to care in the end? Not many people in real life (many of whom are friends on Facebook) do. They sure as Hell didn't care when Dad and his ilk were putting me through all that they put me through. They sure as Hell didn't care when the now-University of Notre Dame of Maryland put me through all that they put me through. "They" includes my Laodecian church, by the way. Where the Hell is Cathy Dallwig calling me like she promised she would (and I warned Charles Polk that she probably wouldn't)?

Also, every miracle in my life comes with a curse-- even on the smallest levels. By the way, what feedback I do get is mostly and usually negative feedback and criticism, not support and even positive criticism. As I said, "I'm more disliked than liked for good and bad." So, not getting much feedback, etc. (and with what feedback I get being negative and unsupportive for the most part, etc.) reflects to me that I might as well be done if the Rapture doesn't come soon.


And who the f***'s going to tell me that they don't want me to go other than they have to, right?

So A Miracle Did Happen (See My Twitter Status.), And...

This month and my life are still going to be rough. This month alone-- forget being (as Kyle Brofslovski sings) "a lonely Jew on Christmas" (let alone a lonely Messianic Jew), even though I have family and friends surrounding me. I won't have consistent presence but for G-d, and even many nevi'im and others got lonely-- so of course, I'll get lonely with even the presence of G-d. Also, I haven't found the one-- what a lonely thought during Mo'ed Chag Mashiach and in general (especially for someone like me). And Kislev 29 (Hanukkah 4) is Great-Granddad Czarnecki's P'rushi Lu'ach yahrzeit-- he committed suicide on Kislev 29,  5725 (December 2, 1964) by P'rushi Lu'ach calculations.

And my life-- well, I've blogged about that.

I Mean, I Do Have People Praying For Me and All, But...

What big miracle's going to happen this time, huh? Maybe my Computer Forensics professor will have a calculator that I can borrow for my Statistics exam? Maybe I'll find the one? Maybe whatever other big miracle? When some small thing doesn't happen, a bigger miracle sometimes or usually happens. For example, my mom accidentally picked up my sister's bag instead of mine. So, I calculator and other stuff at home, and I can't borrow a calculator or pencil for now. As if my life couldn't get worse...

I can't drive home to get it (I have Cerebral Palsy and OCD/Anxiety/Depression, remember?). My keys are in my bag as well and my sister's asleep, so driving home to get them would be non sequitir. Do you see part of why I'm still tempted to commit suicide?

Sometimes, I'm Lonelier When I'm Not Alone (As the Saying Goes)...

I have a mom who agrees with Rep. Michelle Bachmann's irresponsible comment that "Congress has more important things to pay attention to" re Penn State and Jerry Sandusky, a sister who'll vote for Ron Paul, and a whole bunch of friends and acquaintances (and other loved ones) who don't know half of the backstory of what I've been through. Then I have insensitive people-- disabled and non disabled alike-- telling me to make lemonade out of the lemons which life has given me. So, they can get and have the juicer, or can peel and squeeze the lemons-- good for them.

And you wonder why I haven't-- albeit selfishly-- been tempted to commit suicide?

Even Though I Want To Find the One, I Want To Be Sure That I've Found the One

Of course, I can't fast and pray like the comedian Nazareth did-- I have medication issues. And I can't stalk someone to the bathroom and claim that the urge to stalk him was from the Holy Spirit like Michael W. Smith claimed that stalking Deborah was a call from G-d. I also can't go on Match.com, Chemistry.com, E-Harmony.com, whatever-else-.com:

"1 Corinthians 7:26-28

New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁶ I suppose therefore that this is good because of the present distress—that it is good for a man to remain as he is: ²⁷ Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. ²⁸ But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you."

Besides, I have Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and possible Aspberger's-- I need someone to provide and care for me. But I can't go out of my way to deliberately seek a spouse or fast like the comedian Nazareth-- or stalk someone like Michael W. Smith and claim that the stalking is from G-d. 

What If We Have To Wait Another 400-430 Years? But No Other Generation Saw Israel Reborn...

To watch the world and those in it in the states that they are in (Try saying that a few times. But in all seriousness, watching the world's and the Church's states) is depressing. Parsha Lekh L'kha gives a scary idea:

Genesis 15:12-16

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹² Now when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and behold, horror and great darkness fell upon him. ¹³ Then He said to Abram: “Know certainly that your descendants will be strangers in a land that is not theirs, and will serve them, and they will afflict them four hundred years. ¹⁴ And also the nation whom they serve I will judge; afterward they shall come out with great possessions. ¹⁵ Now as for you, you shall go to your fathers in peace; you shall be buried at a good old age. ¹⁶ But in the fourth generation they shall return here, for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet complete.”

Following up on that is an excerpt from Shemot:

Exodus 12:39-41

New King James Version (NKJV)

³⁹ And they baked unleavened cakes of the dough which they had brought out of Egypt; for it was not leavened, because they were driven out of Egypt and could not wait, nor had they prepared provisions for themselves.
⁴⁰ Now the sojourn of the children of Israel who lived in Egypt^[a]was four hundred and thirty years. ⁴¹ And it came to pass at the end of the four hundred and thirty years—on that very same day—it came to pass that all the armies of the LORD went out from the land of Egypt.

So there were only 30 years of freedom in Mitzrayim:

Exodus 1:5-10

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁵ All those who were descendants^[a] of Jacob were seventy^[b] persons (for Joseph was in Egypt already). ⁶ And Joseph died, all his brothers, and all that generation. ⁷ But the children of Israel were fruitful and increased abundantly, multiplied and grew exceedingly mighty; and the land was filled with them.
⁸ Now there arose a new king over Egypt, who did not know Joseph. ⁹ And he said to his people, “Look, the people of the children of Israel are more and mightier than we; ¹⁰ come, let us deal shrewdly with them, lest they multiply, and it happen, in the event of war, that they also join our enemies and fight against us, and so go up out of the land.”


And there are roughly 10 of 30 weeks of years (300 years) before Hell breaks loose: 1517, the Reformation officially begins; 1815, the Congress of Vienna and the first one-world government. But also, 1517-1917 (The U.S. officially enters WWI.) or 1492-1892 (The Inquisition begins, then the Ellis Island Era begins.). WWI broke out on July 28, 1914, and then the Great Depression began on October 24 ("Black Thursday"), 1929.

 In between those times, Prorto Zionism and Zionism begin, really kicking off in the 1850s (when Messianic Judaism is first officially recognized, according to Dr. David Stern and others) to the 1900s (And actually, Herzl enters the scene in or after 1892 re the Dreyfus Affair.).

No other generation before the 1850s-1950s, and especially the 1890s-1940s, saw the refounding-- the teshuvah v'aliyah-- of Israel. And since there were 400 years between Yeshua and the last of the Nevi'im before Yeshua; you'd think that 1517-1917 (or even 1518-1918, October 31, 1518 - November 11, 1918; if you want to count the First Anniversary of the Reformation to Armistice Day) or 1492-1892 would be painfully enough.

But Yehezkel 38 re Persia is getting ready to happen any day (It's happened with Put v'Kush.), and yet still no Rapture. Do you see why I get depressed in part now?