I Mean, I Do Have People Praying For Me and All, But...

What big miracle's going to happen this time, huh? Maybe my Computer Forensics professor will have a calculator that I can borrow for my Statistics exam? Maybe I'll find the one? Maybe whatever other big miracle? When some small thing doesn't happen, a bigger miracle sometimes or usually happens. For example, my mom accidentally picked up my sister's bag instead of mine. So, I calculator and other stuff at home, and I can't borrow a calculator or pencil for now. As if my life couldn't get worse...

I can't drive home to get it (I have Cerebral Palsy and OCD/Anxiety/Depression, remember?). My keys are in my bag as well and my sister's asleep, so driving home to get them would be non sequitir. Do you see part of why I'm still tempted to commit suicide?

I Wonder Why I Bother Sometimes...

Suicide looks better. Firstly, I'd be in Heaven (I'm a Christian, so I know where I'm by-grace going.), and I wouldn't have to wait for the Rapture. Secondly, Mom, Michelle, and others (including many who'd like to see me dead and/or never really cared, anyway) would be left to pick up the mess that I leave behind. Also, for what being more known in death than life is worth, I'd be more known in death than life-- I even prewrote my own obituary in case something does happen to me, though (G-d willing) I might have to go back and edit it. At least an obituary, a Facebook, a Twitter, and other updates, and other ways of communication are coverage.

Thirdly, I'm a survivor of a suicide attempt from when I was eight to ten years old. Long story short, after I foolishly erased my Pokemon game on the advice of a "friend", I threatened to stab myself-- with the knife in my hand. I chickened out and put the knife down and away from me.

Fourthly, I'm the survivor of a suicide threat-- I ended up at Sheppard Pratt for that threat, and quite a few of my dad's family don't believe what happened even though the Sheppard Pratt incident finally helped provoke the courts to believe what happened. Fifthly, as I've implied, I'm more disliked than liked for good and bad; and as I said, others would be left to pick up the mess that I leave behind. For some of them, picking up my mess would be pure punishment and judgement against them.

I could go on; but as an endnote, I also consider that children in the Third World segments of the human population have a fate better than mine (since they get, for example, plenty of reward in Heaven and not as much judgement because of what they've suffered and because of the "to whom much is given" standard-- including the age of accountability implication). Sexual abuse victims even also have a better fate than mine because some of them parallel (and sometimes even are) the children in the Third World-- they get sympathy and people who'll help them at some point and juncture, some reward in Heaven just for their suffering alone, etc..

With me; my situation's like, who the hell (including my own church) cares (or really or ultimately cares) about a 'mamzerah' Messianic Jew with Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety/Depression, and mild-enough Cerebral Palsy that she can (seemingly) get by?

Dear Mom...

I know that I'm a failure. I know that you're not proud that I don't study as hard as I could, do much around the house as I could, and do much else as I could. But I try. I struggle with OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and possible Aspberger's. I may also struggle with ADD and ADHD (Aunt Mary struggles with mild ADD.). And I struggle with my Cerebral Palsy.

Imagine going through all that I've gone through with little to no support, and spurts of support that are about the extent of the support that I get. Imagine knowing that you're-- though imperfect-- unappreciated and not good enough for anyone no matter what you do. Imagine having my rough family history and not being discouraged from dealing with and talking about it, especially by me & other family. And imagine being mostly or entirely alone otherwise all the time.

I could go on; but Dear Mom, I know that I'm a failure. And now you know why.

Even Though I Want To Find the One, I Want To Be Sure That I've Found the One

Of course, I can't fast and pray like the comedian Nazareth did-- I have medication issues. And I can't stalk someone to the bathroom and claim that the urge to stalk him was from the Holy Spirit like Michael W. Smith claimed that stalking Deborah was a call from G-d. I also can't go on Match.com, Chemistry.com, E-Harmony.com, whatever-else-.com:

"1 Corinthians 7:26-28

New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁶ I suppose therefore that this is good because of the present distress—that it is good for a man to remain as he is: ²⁷ Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. ²⁸ But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you."

Besides, I have Cerebral Palsy, OCD/Anxiety, Depression, and possible Aspberger's-- I need someone to provide and care for me. But I can't go out of my way to deliberately seek a spouse or fast like the comedian Nazareth-- or stalk someone like Michael W. Smith and claim that the stalking is from G-d. 

I Should Definitely Blog About the Addictions Thing, Meanwhile...

I won't elaborate on the inappropriate sexual thoughts here, since some of them could get me further shunned and for the fact that there may be children or teenagers reading this blog (as if teenagers don't have sexual thoughts... but I still want to be a good example for the younger adults and legally-considered-to-be children. I'm well into being a bat mitzvah-- some of these young a just became bnei v'banot mitzvah.).

As for the other addictions, they can be read about on my Twitter (@Nickidewbear) and heard about in a YouTube video which should have led some of you here. I'll blog more b'haboker (and blogging daily or almost daily is a commitment, one which can partly affect one to be worn out). L'Laila v'L'Erev Shabbat Tovim.

I'm Doing A Little Better, And It'll Be A Day-To-Day-Thing...

A day-to-day and pray-to-pray thing. Having Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy plus OCD/Anxiety/Depression and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (and the BRCA1 gene), plus being a "mamzerah" Jewish American in a culture and in communities that don't accept Jews-- especially Messianic Jews-- is hard. Add having an imperfect-- e.g., covetous, adulterous, faithless, hopeless, hypocritical-- human nature to all that, and you've got a situation where a day-to-day, pray-to-pray thing is needed. Also, I'm still living with Great-Grandma Gaydos' avodah koferah (If you think that we have Vilmosz's et. al.'s blood removed from our hands-- although Vilmosz and others did survive-- you're meshuga: you don't understand what guilt down to the third and fourth generations is). And I'm living with Great-Grandma Czarnecki's blood because of Pop-Pop's avoda kofer and how he is left unprosecuted after almost five years.

So as a disabled, trying-to-figure-out-my-identity-as-a-Jew Jew and Jewish-American Christian with more than just Cerebral Palsy and meshuges un tsuris in di mispoche to deal with; I have a long, painful way and road to go-- though prayers have been answered so far, even if (over the years) not always in ways in which I'd've liked them to be answered.

Piano Lessons (And Calling Myself To the Carpet Is A Process)

In piano lessons today and during other times, I realize that I freak out and am not as focued as I should be on the music. Per my OCD/Anxiety/Depression and possible Aspberger's-- and non-medicated AD(H)D--, I can't stay as fully focused. I think about getting through practice as quickly as possible, or at least trying to, and being like the others who can (so to speak) churn out something like Bach's "Prelude in A Minor" in a minute or two (I can't play as fastly because of my Cerebral Palsy.). I worry about what other people will think, even if and though they're not in the practice room. For example, on the cover of the "American Soldier" sheet music is a picture of Toby Keith-- it's almost or somewhat like Toby is there and watching me-- and what would he think? (As I said, calling myself to the carpet, including sharing my weirder thoughts, is a process.)

And I don't practice as much as I should. Due to OCD, etc. and escapism, etc.; I just don't practice as much as I should-- I practice in small spurts, too-small spurts. And during my spurts, I often have the computer in my room by me. And as I said,  I think about getting through practice as quickly as possible, or at least trying to, and being like the others who can (so to speak) churn out something like Bach's "Prelude in A Minor" in a minute or two-- and get to their computers and go on Facebook or whatever.

I'll, unless by some miracle, never be Mozart, Beethoven, or Sallieri.

As I Said, I Do Not Sugarcoat and Am Calling Myself To the Carpet, Even If I Get Shunned...

And you know, people like me when I didn't sugarcoat the first time-- when, for example, I talked about what I knew about my family history (which keeps slowly and shockingly unfolding before me-- now if only either the Rapture, some crisis that'll make Dad or Pop-Pop or someone else confess what he, or she, knows; or the AG and Luzerne County DA hurry up and prosecute Pop-Pop. Once the Jack Czarnecki that either everyone dreads and dislikes or fears and likes moves out of the way, someone will talk-- and he brought his own downfall by committing Social Security fraud and murder-malice action).

Incidentally, this reminds me that Great-Great-Granddad Rusnak was born today in 1877 (P'rushi Cheshvan 25, 5638). Hopefully, he wasn't an SOB like his kapo daughter was a Holocaust enabler and his grandson-in-law was a murderer (and as I said, I still have to say that Great-Grandma Czarnecki still doesn't have justice nearly five years later-- nor does the family who Pop-Pop and others hid a lot from and caused a lot of pain to).

In this lifetime, I won't get over what quite a few in my family did in a lot of ways-- and that's why I call them out. And that's why I call myself out: I don't want to be like them. I want to be honest about the imperfect and hypocritical human being that I am with imperfect and many hypocritical or hypocrisy-tainted thoughts, reservations, intentions, etc.

I told you (and G-d) about quite a bit of what was on my heart and in my mind; and there's a lot more for which I would and will get shunned-- besides for being disabled, of course; but being disabled plus all that will get me shunned more.

And I don't (or at least I try not to) hide that I'm probably in a lot of trouble for being human, and I might get hurt for being human and being honest about being human. But so what? As I said about Mitt Romney versus Hermain Cain, "I'd rather have a self-admitted-imperfect candidate like Mitt Romney than any seemingly-too-good-to-be-true person on the Presidential ticket any day"-- which means that in any given situation, I'd rather have a self-admitted-imperfect person than any seemingly-too-good-to-be-true person any day.

People, I'm Realistic; I'm Not Just a Disabled Depressive Who's a Pessimist

And it ain't just what I described in the video. Oh, I've read the horror stories-- e.g., one non-disabled girl was laughed at and ignored by boys in her church because of her breast size. Also, the actress from "Facts of Life" (I stand corrected for saying "Different Strokes")-- her story didn't end like J.R. Martinez's did, and she was born with a disability: she couldn't have gone and served, let alone bravely gotten injured, in the military if she wanted to.

I appreciate and value who I am in the eyes of even the Church and G-d, or else I wouldn't be honest about it: I'd pretend that everything's going to be okay, and that everything work out like it does for a typical person or even for Cinderella. As I said, I wouldn't be honest about who I am if I didn't value and appreciate it; and valuing and appreciating it means accepting it and accepting the reality of it, and accepting the reality (even the cold, bitter reality) that it brings and has brought.

If I Were To Write A Quick Blog Prayer To G-d, Well...

Let me for once have a break. Sure, I've had blessings; and I'm not asking for my thorns in the flesh to be taken away-- in fact, I've dreaded what'll happen if you do. You'll make me give up politics and go into math and science, for example; because then I won't have CP and OCD and be physically healed and able to go into math and science. In fact, you didn't take Paul's thorns in the flesh away-- or Nick Vujvicic's. Let me at least manage my OCD, etc. for once.


I could go on and on, but this is why I don't pray a lot-- not long prayers, anyway. Besides, you can read my thoughts; and you have answered my prayers, and many not always in a way which I've liked or prayed for.

When You're Like Me; Suicide Is Still Awfully Tempting No Matter How Painful It Is

And maybe that's part of suicide's appeal-- the pain, the selfishness. For example, some people say that would miss me if I committed suicide-- boy, would I like to come back and see them put their money where there mouth is (I almost typed "mouth where their money is", but maybe that, too.). Besides, if they want me around so badly (and with all due respect and deference, STFU if you want to start kvetching about how this is typical suicidal talk, etc.; you will utz me):

1. Why do they treat me like they'd rather me be dead? And while they're at it; some of them hate me because I'm on the lowest of the lowest, of the lowest of the lowest rung of the social ladder in general society-- the disabled. For example, I have Cerebral Palsy (Diplegic Spastia); and I don't hear anyone talking about Julie Cirella anymore-- in fact, I almost suspect that some think that Julie Cirella's mother did the right and honorable thing. But they sure as Heaven and Hell wouldn't say that if Julie Cirella weren't disabled (and forget that she's Black-- her disability, not her ethnicity, is what makes her less honored than Caylee Anthony, Leiby Kletzky-- of whom I am a fellow Israelite--, and the Coleman boys, for example.).
2. Why do some of them try to contol my life and otherwise abuse (including ignore and withhold important information, including documents) from me, knowing that they damned well couldn't do that if I weren't disabled? FYI, Dad; were I not disabled, you never would've gotten away with even some of your physical abuse, let alone (among other actions) your verbal and other non-physical abuse and withholding that Great-Granddad Czarnecki and Great-Great-Granddad Foczko both committed suicide (which would have explained why I tried to commit suicide-- people without a history of suicide and/or other significant issues in their family and other history don't attempt or threaten suicide).
3. Same question above, except my prime example-- my thought policewoman of a mother. You damned well know, Mom, that you would never try to control what I at 21 years old say, do, etc. if I weren't disabled and had prospects. And I'm sorrowed (Why should I be "sorry"? I'm not apologizing for having my own thoughts, etc. at 21; so I'm sorrowed)  that, for example, my being proud of my Jewish heritage (no matter how unproud of it Dad and his family are) isn't your cup of tea. Besides, see if I ever tweet about anything that you might need prayer for or any appreciation of anything that you do or go through again-- after all, you "don't want to live [your] life out in the public venue".

I could give more examples, but I think that being on the most-times-over-lowest-of-the-lowest rung of the social ladder and easily abusable because of my Cerebral Palsy is an understandable reason for why I'm still often quite tempted to commit selfish suicide-- rub the pain that they've affected and effected in, and get the last laugh ("See you suckers! I'll be in Heaven; you'll still be here!").

This Might Get Me Into Trouble, But Here Goes My Next Sociology Assignment

"Imagine that you are getting married next week..." and coupled with an assignment that asks, "Where do you stand on the issue [of Affirmative Action]?" When I format the combined assignments into a paper (and I'm going to combine the assignments to save time, paper, and frankly a too-long explanation), I'm not going to type everything that I am typing here. Why? For one thing, calling a professor "stupid" and "hypocritical" would get me into trouble. So I'm going to have to reword my belief that for a liberal professor who is liberal (and you can spell that with a L-I-B-E-R-A-L), relativistic (and you can spell that with a R-E-L-A-T-I-V-I-S-T-I-C), and obviously leftist (and you know what you can spell that with); she sure is a hypocrite and foolishly dense- then again, with Far Leftists like that (and Far Rightists in a parallel way); the old "We're [whatever] for [or to, etc.] you so long as you're for [or to, etc.] us" maxim goes. In other words, for example; one will benefit from Affirmative Action given or applied to him or her by whoever gives or applies said Affirmative Action so long as he or she walks in nearly- or entirely-full lockstep with the Affirmative Action giver.

Affirmative Action, like the ADA (designed by the late Senator Ted Kennedy in order to get the Disabled Community's votes and (so to speak) bites on the welfare hooks), is a ploy used by both sides to (as Juan Williams noted in the example of Herman Cain's case, and so to speak) keep the sheep in the pen or gate. Meanwhile, Jews like me don't get Affirmative Action benefits, anyway; so what's the point? I note that I'm Asian on my applications, then specify "Middle Eastern, Jewish- Ashkenazi", anyway. I also note that I'm Hispanic (which I am), since Nana Allen (my mom's paternal grandmother) was a maternal granddaughter of a Crypto-Spaniard Irelander who came to the United States with his Irish wife (MaryAnn Elizabeth McCoy) and took Nana McCoy's surname as well as the moniker "John".

But for example, at College of Note Dame of Maryland (which is soon to be the bastion of liberalism known as the Notre Dame of Maryland University); being a Jew of Hispanic descent doesn't count anyway, and being disabled doesn't count (and not that the Disabled Community gets Affirmative Action benefits, either)- that is; unless you're a Jew who wills to go along with the Pseudo-Christian Anti Semitism of the Roman Catholic Church (and College of Notre Dame of Maryland), or a Hispanic or Disabled Community member (with all due respect to a fellow student) who is either willing to do the same or is even Roman Catholic and liberal (and this fellow student, as far as I know, is- at least she's Roman Catholic, although I'm sure that she's unsurprisingly liberal as well; and I have never seen a more accomodated-for member of the Disabled Community who is at Notre Dame than her. Me, on the other hand- you can guess how I've been treated and accomodated for; and any accomdation that I have gotten is either minimal and/or surface enough to look like its meets what most people think that the ADA is, or received with my and others having to really push for it.).

By the way, I will concede that at least two NDM faculty members have been an exception in this regard, even though they don't agree with my ideology (and one of them has not been so much of an exception in other regards). To the (if you will) "marriage question" (ugh; I sound like Marx or- I can't believe that I'm repeating this name- Hitler, both of them Self-Hating Jews. And of course, "the Jewish question" or any similar phrase or idea behind it rubs me the wrong way. Anyway, to the question about marriage- which perhaps doesn't sound too much better; but still): this is the (if you will) factor about which I stated that the professor is (among other adjectives which I used to describe her) stupid and dense. Then again, with her (like most people) not being disabled (at least in any uncommon or anamethea way); she wouldn't know (or at least want to know or acknowledge) that (and often times because of people like her and the culture which they shape and are influenced by in turn, although they effect the culture whereas the culture only affects them), in this culture, Cinderella and Snow White have a better chance of marrying than a child of divorce who is a disabled woman, much less a disabled woman is not a child of divorce (and being a child of divorce adds to the disabled woman's being a damned statistic of being a disabled person and/or woman who, because of this culture and the people who shape it, never marry- or at least never stay married, especially because of the damned shallow men and women who consider disabled women as anamethea and as whom to not stay married, much less marry in the first place).

"Slow and Steady Wins Races", as My Ex Points Out

 And that's one of the things that we learn with CP: thank G-d that we can't do as much in some ways. e.g., my non-disabled cousin Tommy Zinkand had the opportunity to ride a motorcycle and convinced himself that he was invincible. On June 26, 2005; he was going too fast and hit a minivan body on. On Sunday; six years will have passed (Poor Danny and Terri. Danny's his dad, Terri his sister.). By the way, that side of my Farrell-DeBoy family has not had life easy: besides Tommy, Danny's wife (and Terri's and Tommy's mom) Sylvia, cousin (and my aunt) Mary Carole Allen Hamilton, and brother-in-law (and Terri's and Tommy's uncle) Danny Dugas all died at around this time of year as well (Aunt Mary Carole on Flag Day 2008, and Danny Dugas a week ago, and Sylvie (Sylvia)... let me check... April 28, 2010. Not an easy couple of months to get through for the Farrell-DeBoy Zinkands.).

There Were A Couple Times Where I Thought About Committing Suicide Today. Why?

1. I am a diagnosee of OCD/Anxiety/Depression and Diplegic Spastia Cerebral Palsy, and self diagnosee of IBS (I know what I have; thank you very much. My dad has Chron's, and my granddad has had Chron's- but not that he'll admit it- and Colon Cancer).
2. I am housestuck and single especially because of the Cerebral Palsy.
3. I am housestuck and single because said CP renders me unable to drive.
4. My mom sides with and/or enables my abusers and persecutors, and gets angry when I confront them; and takes advantage of the fact that I have Cerebral Palsy, can't drive, and am single. Thus, I am still stuck in her house.
5. My dad and quite a few in his family are evil, enablers of evil, and both.

I could give more reasons, but you get the point.